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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not discuss my period with my dh

213 replies

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 11:41

Just that, been married 21 years but I like to keep it to myself. Partly because I don't want him to know the details and partly because I'd hate to be accused of being hormonal if he knew it was that time of the month for me. I have 3 daughters and it's never brought up. It's not a secret or shameful, I'll ask them if they need pads etc it's just not mentioned as part of conversation. I have a feeling that this is unusual. I wondered if any other families are the same?

OP posts:
FoxtrotUniformCharlieKilo · 10/09/2017 18:15

I find it a little odd that you don't feel like you can discuss this type of this with your DH.

Me and DP have a funny name for my periods, and he will always ask, somehow he always seems to know when it's time 🤔

But we also talk about and poo in front of each other and I've even waxed his bum hole before 😂

MaisyPops · 10/09/2017 18:29

I find it odd be very private about it.

DH knows when I'm about to come on because like another poster I'm a bit like 'if you want some you've got a couple of days or that'll be me out for a week' 😂

Don't get me wrong, I don't divulge everything to him, but if I've got back ache and cramps then I tell him (and secretly hope he'll offer a back rub!)

MumBod · 10/09/2017 18:31

Christ, my DP has been known to remove my tampon for me when I've passed out fallen asleep Blush

SpottedGingham · 10/09/2017 18:35

I just mention shark week in passing. Mind you, he can usually tell by the quantity of dark chocolate that comes into the house! Grin

Minxmumma · 10/09/2017 18:42

My dh currently contends with three hormonal women and while no one does a twitter hash tag he is savvy enough to be aware anyway. The dead give away are the crates of choccy, tissues etc he brings home from work.

I don't care if he knows I am hormonal - it gives him a fighting chance of not putting his in it

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 18:42

Are some of the commenters on here really taking the piss out of a disabled womanShock proud people Confused

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 18:47

DH knows all the ins and outs of my period, not that there's much to tell other than when it's on and off and sex is available, comes from having kids (delivery room is not for people who are squeamish about blood) and sleeping in the same bed, using the same ensuite bathroom etc.

But suppose some people's relationships are closer than others. We're not friends, we're lovers and best friends we know everything about each other.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/09/2017 18:55

But suppose some people's relationships are closer than others. We're not friends, we're lovers and best friends we know everything about each other

It doesn't mean you don't have a close relationship if you don't discuss periods. I wouldn't discuss them with my friends either tbh.

TheFirstMrsDV · 10/09/2017 18:55

Why can't people understand that people do things differently from them?
So much language on this thread designed to shame others.
'how odd'
No. Just different from you. Not better, not worse, different.

Its a very strange thing so feel superior about.

The comment about the op putting her DD's at risk of dying of cervical cancer was a new low though.

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 19:30

Thank you TheFirstMrsDV I did find that comment a bit of a slap in the face , particularly the use of the word idiot. I am sure my daughters can talk to me, and seek medical advice if they need to without any shame.
As I'm lucky enough not to suffer cramps or flooding I don't need to discuss periods with dh and don't want a point I'm making devalued because of the time of the month I'd rather keep that to myself.
However I can talk to my daughters about it on a practical level, " is your period heavy, have you got pads" but they seem very matter of fact about it too. I think we're lucky not to have a lot of pain and things may have to be different if we did.
I think as others have said we all have different levels of intimacy that are right for us and it doesn't mean any couple are closer just because they have no inhibitions.

OP posts:
Cailleach666 · 10/09/2017 19:30

But suppose some people's relationships are closer than others.

That's just fucking rude.
Just because some couples don't want to discuss tampons. shit behaviour etc does not mean the are not close.

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 19:34

Discussions are about knowledge so is important to be in the know about your partner, they don't have to be family events but between partners in your bedroom or other quiet place. And in fairness it's acceptable to be judging of the op as she asked the question if she didn't want judged I find this a strange point of view to have and that's ok she wanted to know

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 19:36

Imabanana I'm struggling to see what the point of this thread was if you don't want to change the relationship you have with your DH what were you hoping to do here?

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 19:37

@Cailleach666 your fucking rude speaking to a woman in wheelchair they way you did!

My point is valid. Her relationship isn't great if she's on here asking this.

JacquesHammer · 10/09/2017 19:38

Just because some couples don't want to discuss tampons. shit behaviour etc does not mean the are not close

Indeed. Much like if couples do want to discuss that it doesn't mean they're dull, right?

Imabanana · 10/09/2017 20:02

rightnowimpissed I posted to find out if I was unreasonable not to discuss my periods with my partner. I've found out while most of you share more I'm not alone in not discussing everything. I've been made aware of how my daughters might interpet this. Sorry if you think the post was pointless but I've found it really interesting and useful 😀

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2017 20:37

It is useful OP. I think the fact we are all different is great. I did comment of huff but apologised because as said above, we are all different and it is ok. It doesn't mean some are closer.

Huffletuff · 10/09/2017 20:52

Meh, don't worry - I've heard a LOT worse, believe me Grin

Crumbs1 · 10/09/2017 20:59

Each to,their own. We have always been very open with little concern for privacy. We don't write on the whiteboard, we don't wave sanitary products in the air but don't hide it either. My husband isn't overly keen on periods and has an intense dislike of any sort of "mess" so I've usually dealt with girls sheets and underwear. There was little likelihood of him coming anywhere near me "at that time".
It would, however, have been impossible for him not to know since most of the girls suffered horribly with fainting, vomiting, curling up on sofa for two or three days each month. They have always been very comfortable discussing periods openly.
He'll comfortably buy sanitary products when necessary but comes back with about seventeen different types in case he's picked the wrong one.

Graphista · 10/09/2017 21:33

My mother was quite shy about this kind of thing. As a result I didn't know that my very heavy very painful periods were unusual. I became severely anaemic as a result and collapsed at school. This was after almost a year of thinking I was being a wuss and should just 'get on with it' it was only while at the GP's where I was asked the right questions in terms of flow, consistency, length, level and type of pain, other effects (migraine, nausea, severe diarrhoea, back pain...). Mum was shocked and asked why I'd never said anything. My response was she'd always been embarrassed to discuss and dismissive when I tried to explain.

Frankly with hindsight she failed me again in not challenging the GP when all he did was prescribe the pill which simply masked the symptoms. At that time she was also a 'dr is God' type (she's not now).

It took 14 years, the loss of 3 babies, 2 minor and one major surgery before it was diagnosed and even began to be treated.

So yes I think as mothers we have a responsibility to not only discuss the basics of the female cycle, but to ensure our daughters have the knowledge of what falls within the 'normal' range of menstrual activity and what doesn't. Also to ensure they feel comfortable enough to come to us if there's a problem.

As a pp rightly noted the consequences of not doing so, can be life changing, even fatal.

mirime · 10/09/2017 22:10

@ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

I've never heard of not being able to pick things up without dropping them as a period symptom. What causes that?

I just get stupidly clumsy when I'm pre-menstrual. It's like things leap away from me when I try and pick them up. Very annoying, and as I can get a bit stroppy as well, sometimes ends with me storming out of the room in frustration.

rightnowimpissed · 10/09/2017 22:19

Well yes yabu to not normalise the menstral cycle within the household. Men should not be allowed to shy away from things that are ichy in their thoughts, it's so disrespectful of women. A strong female figure empowers the younger generation therefore there may be a profound effect on your dds in their future relationships as a result of your and your husbands prudishness.

Graphista · 10/09/2017 23:47

Re period 'clumsiness' it's to do with hormones affecting eye muscles (put very very simply) particularly affects those of us who's eyesight already isn't great.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/09/2017 00:43

We don't write on the whiteboard, we don't wave sanitary products in the air but don't hide it either

Yes , same here. I used to get very heavy, painful periods on a very short cycle - I certainly wasn't not going to talk about that with my husband. I was in pain.

Once I had to leave a theatre at the interval I was in so much pain. I told him it was my period and I'd get a taxi home. He offered to leave too- but that would have been silly. I wasn't ill and he was enjoying the play. What a drama it would have been if I'd announced "I have to go home" without telling him why; or worse continued to sit in silence and agony.

I also recall being in Oslo with my son when he was about 14 and telling him I was popping out to look for a chemist. He twigged immediately what I'd forgotten to pack and offered to go and get me what I needed.

bigbluedustbin · 11/09/2017 03:21

I can't remember ever discussing my period with anyone. It has never seemed necessary, would make for a very boring conversation imo.