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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and parents AGAIN

269 replies

thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 07:54

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches Sad

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit Hmm
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed Sad

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 31/08/2017 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toadinthehole · 01/09/2017 00:06

I want to know what the husband would say about the finances.

We're only getting one version of events, and a partial one at that.

emmyrose2000 · 01/09/2017 04:28

Your parents are beyond toxic. If I was your partner, I'd leave you in a heartbeat, take the kids with me, and do everything legally possible to keep my kids away from their toxic, manipulative, alcoholic grandparents.

Bachingupthewrongtree · 01/09/2017 05:31

I think this thread has been hijacked by people from the Stately Homes thread! But for the background of the parents/failed business, I have no doubt everyone would be saying LTB.

As a pp said, put your parents to one side and look at your relationship with DH. At best he is treating you like a child and at worst he is financially abusive. How can you be in a partnership with someone who is secretive about what should be family money? He will be paying himself a low salary and dividends, as this is the most tax effective thing to do. Are you paying for all household goods from your part time earnings? Do you know what he keeps for himself?

Of course you should have a car if possible. It sounds as though he has no care or consideration for your feelings and is trying to punish you for the failed business venture, for which he blames your parents.

And how absurd for a pp to suggest that he could take your DC away from you. You sound like a lovely caring mother.

There are some deep cracks in this relationship and you are resentful and unhappy on various levels. Please have some counselling to see whether or not it can be fixed. My feeling is that you may be better apart. At least then he will have to pay proper maintenance and you can manage your own finances.

stolemyusername · 01/09/2017 05:32

I think that if we turned this around, with DH's parents having caused all of the problems but still visiting them, you would be told that you have a DH problem. In this case I think that you're the problem. He has stated clearly that he wants nothing to do with your parents for legitimate reasons, but you are wheedling about 'no shared Christmas/birthdays'.

Honestly, I think that you need to show your husband some respect, he accepts that you and DC see your parents, but will not allow them to be left alone with your ALCOHOLIC father, can you not see that he's not being awkward, he's protecting them! And fgs, like another poster said above, why would you even consider letting an alcoholic take your son on a bike ride, would you let him in the car with him if he'd had a drink?

If I were your husband, I would be pretty hurt by your actions (actually, if I were your husband I would have divorced you for your actions).

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2017 05:44

So your dh hides money.

Was he like this before the company folded?

Sleephead1 · 01/09/2017 06:35

Dont know about other threads but from this one what you have said happened. Cant see how your parents ruined the buisness it seems like fault on both sides. I dont understand why people are saying they ripped you off ect ? Maybe im missing something. But they both lost their jobs only one got redundency and they have 10k dept for a buisness they didnt own ? Dont see how they did well ftom this? It sounds very hard for you and i guess my view will be different to alot on here but my parents will always be part of my family i dont consider them my second family. They are brilliant parents though so maybe i would feel differently if they where not. Your husbands seems to have a lot of rules around your parents but also money honestly i dont really like the sound of some of his behaviour but again lots of people seem to be saying he is justified so maybe i am not getting something. I really feel from you as you sound like you are under so much pressure from all sides and you seem to be following all your husbands rules but its still not enough.

SvartePetter · 01/09/2017 07:21

I have read some of your other threads. Your parents seem very unpleasant and seem to have a very distant relationship with truth. considering this I know who I would believe with regards to the business. Cut down contact with them, then work on your financial relationship with your DP. Even if he is self employed he is likely to pay himself a set amount every month in salary and divs due to HMRC rules.

cansu · 01/09/2017 07:42

Regardless of his feelings towards your parents he is being an arse. YOU want his help with the car seat so that your ds can have fun at his grand parents. It isn't about being involved with them it is just helping his wife and child. The fact that he has put so many conditions on the time you are 'allowed' to see your parents is unacceptable. It seems like you are being punished in some way for your parents actions, likewise your ds as he is only allowed to see them at certain times or when you are present. I would have a good think about what you want. He can choose not to attend family occasions with them, but for me that would be it. He doesn't get to impose conditions on you and your ds. He should also want to help you with the bloody bike seat. He is being an arse and you feel so guilty about your parents actions that you are allowing him to treat you badly over this.

peachgreen · 01/09/2017 07:48

@cansu You think OP's DH is being unreasonable not to facilitate an alcoholic taking his DS on the back of a bike?

Hmm
cansu · 01/09/2017 07:52

I didn't read that post about him being an alcoholic. I am assuming however that the OP wouldn't allow this either if she had concerns.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/09/2017 08:13

So your father would take workers off the factory floor and go and do up his house.
Your mother would nit pick every detail and go ballistic if things weren't done exactly to her standards. Probably pissing off people who could have done her job in half the time.
Your parents thinking they were something they are not and probably giving your dh the same impression that they were more than capable of running a factory.
Your father didn't just become an alcoholic (as you point out he hides it well). So the decisions made when your dh wasn't there were made by someone who wasn't completely sober.
I think the only thing your dh is guilty of is trusting the facade that your parents crafted.

I don't think there is one post you have made where there hasn't been some manipulation by your parents so if your dh is keeping the finances close to his chest then I really can't blame him. You and him are not a team. You are still too invested in your parents.

I think your dh having learned the hard way how manipulative your parents are and how when they snap their fingers you dance to their tune he is worried that he is working all hours and could see you raiding any money you have if they decide they want something and you should buy it.

diddl · 01/09/2017 09:02

"I think the only thing your dh is guilty of is trusting the facade that your parents crafted."

I wondered about that.

But then if he employed them only on their say so of what they could do he was just stupid.

peachgreen · 01/09/2017 09:09

@cansu The OP is blind to her parents' faults (she's posted lots of previous threads that give a clearer outline of the real situation). Her DP is far from perfect but he has real and valid reasons to be NC with her parents.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 01/09/2017 11:45

@Oliversmumsarmy 'So your father would take workers off the factory floor and go and do up his house.'

Are you reading what I write or just picking out bits you want? I said HE would sometimes leave the factory ON HIS OWN to go home (about 15mins drive) and give instructions to the builders they had in.
He never took workers off the factory floor.

My DM didn't like that she would get email replies about her queries instantly unless she was chasing something that was overdue/they were running out of stock she ordered weeks ago and all of a sudden the head office would go quiet or deny receiving an order. She would then get really wound up and look back through her sent box and send the original order with the dates on etc to prove she sent it in and they just didn't order it or forgot to.
And she would then go to my DP when he was in the factory to complain about XYZ in the office or try to call him when he was in meetings etc to try and get him to sort it out.
She was causing more headache than it's worth and more drama. DP didn't need it.

And to anyone else still going on about me letting DS on the back of a bike with someone drunk - bugger off will you! Please read what I wrote below.
If I was to ever turn up and either one of them was drunk or even slightly under the influence I would take DS and go back home. Please stop making me out to be some irresponsible idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
thetwocultures · 01/09/2017 11:52

@FrancisCrawford Why are you hurt that your DP puts your sons safety above the desires of your alcoholic parents?

And where did I write that?
And where did I write that I would ever let DS be around either of my parents or anyone else that was under the influence of alcohol?
Stop putting words in my mouth.

I am hurt because of the situation, it hurts that my parents are the way they are and DP is the way he is and everything that's happened between them and how it has turned everything upside down.
It hurts that the family that I hoped for will never be. I will always have to keep my life as our little family (DP, DS, DC2) separate from my visits and interactions with my parents and it's sad.
Am I not allowed to be hurt by that?

OP posts:
Original poster
thetwocultures · 01/09/2017 11:54

@diddl what you wrote has struck a cord.
I think this will probably be as close to summarising it as it can get.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 01/09/2017 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaBenson · 01/09/2017 13:14

But your DH isn't the one that's hurting you, it's your parents that are.

Of course you are allowed to hurt, but your DH isn't the one to blame here yet you seem to want to blame him.

Alcoholics can also present very well but need alcohol to function. Can you ever really be sure if your dad hasn't had a drink? I wouldn't have let my child go on a bike ride with an alcoholic parent, even if they seemed ok.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 01/09/2017 13:18

@OliviaBenson I'm not blaming my DP and I'm not saying he's hurting me.

The situation is hurtful all around.

But I did think it was petty that he wouldn't help me. It concerns me for the future I.e. In 10 years time Is he going to say that my parents have to buy DS another bike if they want to take him for a bike ride because he doesn't want to have to be involved in any way in what DS does with them?

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 01/09/2017 13:29

But you are blaming him! I really don't know how to make you see that.

But I did think it was petty that he wouldn't help me. It concerns me for the future I.e. In 10 years time Is he going to say that my parents have to buy DS another bike if they want to take him for a bike ride because he doesn't want to have to be involved in any way in what DS does with them?

He has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with them at all, so yes if your parents want to go cycling with your kids, they are going to have to sort that themselves. He's not being petty given what's happened.

Why are you so keen to facilitate a relationship with your parents and your child?

To be honest, they way you are behaving, your DH won't be around in 10yrs. And you might not have custody of the kids.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 01/09/2017 13:42

It concerns me for the future I.e. In 10 years time Is he going to say that my parents have to buy DS another bike if they want to take him for a bike ride because he doesn't want to have to be involved in any way in what DS does with them?

If your parents wanting to take ds for a bike ride means dh has to enable it for them by getting the bike from somewhere else and providing it for them then yes, he would, wouldn't he? (If he is still putting up with all this by then.) His boundary is that he doesn't want to be involved with them in any way, and won't do anything for them.

Yes, I can believe it's very difficult and upsetting for you that your parents make their choices to be the way they are, and that your dh has made his choice to have nothing further to do with them. But you aren't stuck in the victim role here. You don't have to spend the rest of your life sucking up the hurtful on every side. What choices are you making?

If you want to continue a relationship with both sides you are probably going to have to accept and respect your partner's boundaries, and move past seeing those as something hurtful to you. Being sad that it's necessary for him to have them is different to hurtful: hurtful is that someone has done something to you and there is blame involved. You're also going to have to accept that your parents hold the responsibility for putting you in this position.

Bachingupthewrongtree · 01/09/2017 13:46

Olivia. Isn't it normal for a parent to want their child to have a relationship with his or her grandparents?

Why is everyone saying that OP's parents are alcoholics- is that on one of the other threads? And even if they do have issues round alcohol it's not OP's fault and doesn't reflect on her in any way or the fact that she seems to be a lovely mother and daughter.

Could anyone link to the other threads because I feel that it is hard to have a proper view without seeing these?

OliviaBenson · 01/09/2017 14:21

In a typical family it's perfectly normal to want to have a relationship with grandparents. But this is far from that. Hope the other threads help you.

I believe it's damaging to facilitate a relationship with toxic alcoholics. And I say that as a daughter of one!

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