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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and parents AGAIN

269 replies

thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 07:54

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches Sad

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit Hmm
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed Sad

OP posts:
IncyWincyGrownUp · 31/08/2017 18:10

You are so deep in FOG that I don't think any number of suns could burn it away.

Every post you make minimises the behaviour of your parents. You've been trained by them to do that.

I feel sorry for you, your husband, and your child.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 31/08/2017 18:30

I agree with Incy , OP you sound incredibly FOGged. Flowers

Essentially you're unhappy about your dp having boundaries with your parents. You accept some unwillingly and say you're hurt by them - which pressures him to remove them for your sake even while you say you see why, like your ds's safety. This car seat issue is another boundary he's set, and like many adult children of toxic parents, you want him to still have some normal relations with your parents even in the context of him having been clear he won't. It's like the many posts on mn - "I've gone NC with his narc mother after x incidents, he knows this and says ok, but he's just told her we'll go to her birthday dinner and says I'm being mean and silly to kick off about it as its not really breaking the NC!'.

The underlying feeling of many abused adult children is that their life partner should come and hold their hand and be abused alongside them and share that burden. They're not ready to quit being abused because it means accepting the end of those relationships - as you say you want him to accept and be ok with their shortcomings. Basically to be ok with them behaving this way that you're so used to. Someone having strong boundaries is hard, because yours have had to be so flexible and permeable to keep a relationship going.

Essentially you need some independent counselling yourself, and from someone who gets toxic family dynamics. This is hard for you, but you need help to sort out what you really want before this costs you your relationship.

happypoobum · 31/08/2017 19:47

Miss Havisham nailed it. Please read her post OP even if you don't read anything else..............

MehMehAndMeh · 31/08/2017 19:53

Your DP is correct and you are wrong.
However, you've spent so long minimising their behaviour that you see any shift towards normality as unwarranted upset.

Your parents have screwed you out of your childs future security and you are upset at your DP. Please get some therapy, this viewpoint is so far from normal it's orbiting Saturn.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/08/2017 19:56

Hont1986

Exactly my point about how OP is twisting her language to make things appear worse than what they are. Totally learnt behaviour. I can't believe the arsehole bought her a car and a handbag and fixed his own car. I can't believed he has no problem with sharing the finances but hasn't sorted it out himself so it's all his fault despite being OP's idea.

Toadinthehole · 31/08/2017 21:39

Mumof56,

Where I live, this is no problem as long as it's reflected in the accounts e.g as salary or dividend.

However, whether the business can afford it is another matter.

OliviaBenson · 31/08/2017 21:58

Sadly op is long gone. She only wants to hear that her DH is wrong, not her parents. They'll be more threads with the same in the future Sad

Toadinthehole · 31/08/2017 21:59

Also I think it's inappropriate to make accusations of financial abuse without hearing the husband's POV, something we won't get.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 22:11

it sounds like it might be financial abuse to me, It sounds like you've gone from growing up with controlling parents to living with a controlling partner.

I can only go by your posts on this thread as haven't seen your previous threads but if it was me I would be taking my kids and starting out on my own. No need to be dependant on anyone else. To have to ask for money for things like tyres for yourcar? To not even know how much money you have? The kids can see their father and they can see their GP but you don't have to live your life so controlled by them and their behaviours

Taylor22 · 31/08/2017 22:21

Op. If your husband were here I'd tell him to LTB

You are throwing the most epic pity party that YOU have caused.

If I were your husband a I'd be a hell of a lot more strict about the access that your God awful parents had to my children. So maybe you should be grateful?

Your parents caused this so stop blaming him. And stop pushing him away over this. Because how will you feel if you push him far enough away and he does leave. And all you've got left are those leaches?

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 22:23

You are throwing the most epic pity party that YOU have caused

why has the OP caused this? surely Dparents and/or DP are to blame depending on how you read her posts and what you think is true.

Taylor22 · 31/08/2017 22:26

She's moaning about being in the middle. No one is forcing her to stay there. So she can move.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 22:28

she should move.

Taylor22 · 31/08/2017 22:29

Maybe she should. And then this poor man doesn't have to tolerate this level of dysfunction.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 22:40

I haven't read the other theads as I said but find it odd that a man who won't allow her to know how much money they have and releases or withholds money at whim and cancels couselling ( which they clearly need) which he admits is helping them because he says they can't afford it but then says they have £400 extra a month is a 'poor man'

even if the OP has extremely toxic parents and won't acknowldege this it doesn't instantly mean her DP is blameless.

Taylor22 · 31/08/2017 22:46

I haven't read the past threads either 🤷‍♀️ but I don't believe for on second she's being financially abused.

I believe OP likes to play the victim. Minimise what her parents do and then make her DH the big bad meanie who won't lay down and just let them all live a happy life.

While her alcoholic parents screw over her DH.

If he posted her like women do about their in laws he'd be told to grab the kids and run!

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 31/08/2017 22:46

Given that a huge part of dh's problem with op's parents is financial, and seeing how much their is minimising what happened and the effect on dh's business and financial situation, I can see why he is as 'controlling ' as of states. He's probably shit scared that given free access to the family money, op would be handing it over to her parents.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 31/08/2017 22:47

Sorry - lots of typos. Blush

Original poster
thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 22:55

Sorry I've disappeared just got back from work.

I am still sifting through the posts.

But to the poster who made the very long post and quoted my response about finances :

  • he bought me a cheap run around car yes, it was really nice of him especially as I had access to a limited amount of money per week for groceries only and could not afford to buy one myself as I was SAHM
  • the only reason I mentioned the deposit for the insurance was because he knew I could not afford it, he would complain that I get back from work so late yet would not contribute towards it even though when he needs money for unexpected last minute things he magically finds them or "gets a bonus" etc
For me it felt like he was trying to teach me a lesson about "working" and then contributed towards it at Christmas and I should've fallen to my knees in awe (I know this is exaggerated but YKWIM). I spent months waiting in freezing cold at 10pm for buses up to an hour at a time and I can't help but feel he could've changed that.
  • re 'our' account or what was supposed to be our account, we opened it together and both have cards for it but it's only my PT wage that goes into it, it's used for groceries, gas and electric, my car insurance and petrol, my phone bill, any birthdays and gifts, nappies and things for DS, vets etc.
  • he pays himself a low wage and then gets dividends so even if he agreed to a shared account I think I would never know the full extent of his earnings as he can pay himself more/less etc and into different accounts if he chooses to
  • and to all the posters who think DP is worried I will start handing over money to my parents: that is the stupidest suggestion I've ever read. And my DP would probably agree with that.
I'm probably still too much of a pushover but I'm not an idiot. And To add - DP would never in a million years stand for it for even a second And my parents would never ask or accept it either.
  • he's always done a lot of diving and dodging when it came to money, his earnings and outgoings and would always avoid direct conversation about them

I am dealing with what my parents are like, if people on here saw what I was like this time last year they would have seen that I've actually made a lot of progress, even if it's not quite enough yet.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 31/08/2017 22:57

Your DH could be financially controlling- I don't know. Have you asked plainly "can we sit down and go through the finances, please?"

Do you know how much debt the business is in, how much it can "pay"?

On the face of it, your DH sounds unreasonable with the car, etc.

But if the reality is that he's been left to sort huge debts on a business that went south, he is probably EXTREMELY cautious of non-essential spending.

The £10K debt your parents owe won't be anywhere near the debts a manufacturing business would have accrued. So presumably finances are hugely hugely stretched.

I'd not be happy not knowing - find out, educate yourself so you can be on your DH's side (or find out he's abusive, I guess, perhaps.)

If you don't know just because you've never really sat down together to go through it, start there.

If he is evasive and won't share details, then think hard about what's going on.

But for now, leave your feelings about your parents far away from your marriage.

NoSquirrels · 31/08/2017 23:03

Cross-posted.

If you asked your DH to explain how the business is doing, and talk you through the accounts, would he?

If you insisted on a joint account with joint spending decisions on all family costs (cars x 2, nappies, clothes, holidays, savings, presents, food, housing costs & bills, activities and leisure etc) then would he refuse?

Is it that you have never pushed hard enough for these things?

Or is it that he is controlling?

I think a shared life without financial transparency is no shared life.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 23:15

Ican see why he is as 'controlling ' as of states. He's probably shit scared that given free access to the family money, op would be handing it over to her parents

If a person feels they cant trust their partner with.finances that doesnt give them the right to control the family money and keep the financial situation a secret. He should walk away if he feels he can trust her. I dont believe this is why though.The Op has allowed herself to be controlled and managed by these people and he has got used to living like this. Its not a partnership OP.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 23:16

That should.say - CANT TRUST HER

Gooseberrytart4 · 31/08/2017 23:24

Parents aside. He should be taking the seat off for your son. Because he wants his son to have a nice time.

Gooseberrytart4 · 31/08/2017 23:40

He sounds very manipulative with money. Are you married?

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