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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP and parents AGAIN

269 replies

thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 07:54

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches Sad

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit Hmm
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 08:39

@Ragwort it was a planned pregnancy.
We are on extremely good terms unless anything to do with my parents crops up. Which is just stupid.

OP posts:
madcatwoman61 · 31/08/2017 08:40

Why does being pregnant make you unable to use a screwdriver?

Decaffstilltastesweird · 31/08/2017 08:40

Tbh I don't blame your DH. Those bike seats aren't designed to be moved about. Your ddad is only "thinking" about a bike ride. Plus, your DH is (rightly?) pissed off with your parents. Tbh I wouldn't have even asked him for help with this. Buy another bike seat (or as your ddad to) if it's so important.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/08/2017 08:41

I don't know the backstory either. I would probably take it off myself but then I like a bit of diy.

Just remember righty tighty, lefty loosey

OnionKnight · 31/08/2017 08:41

I don't blame your DH either.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 08:42

Teach yourself how to do it don't rely on him OR could you just take the whole bike and they use that? Is it yours or his?

Original poster
thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 08:42

@ThumbWitchesAbroad this will sound pretty petty of me but I don't want his oh so gracious "help" now he's reiterated what a faff it is for him.

I would only attempt it myself if I knew I could take it off so I could just leave with it without having to speak with him. But the chances are I won't even be able to get the bikes down if they're on a rack or tucked away behind something as I'm quite heavily pg ATM.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 31/08/2017 08:43

Yes he probably is angrier than he lets on, and from the little bits I remember from your previous threads, I don't blame him

Aren't your parents also a bit flakey when it comes to making arrangements to see them? I'd struggle to put the effort in for them if I were you

MiddleClassProblem · 31/08/2017 08:44

Well then just tell your parents that neither of you were able to get it off. Blame a rusty bolt, go to a farm or something instead

Decaffstilltastesweird · 31/08/2017 08:45

Op, sorry if I'm off base here as I don't know the back story, but it sounds like you resent him not liking your parents? From the teeny bit of info you have given here, I understand why he doesn't like them. Your dps managed to sink a company which you were all invested in. DM then took a severance package, because she was "within her rights", but that resulted in your family, (you, DH and your dc), being out of pocket? I don't think I'd like my ILs either if they did that, (sorry).

Original poster
thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 08:46

@Decaffstilltastesweird I might have worded it wrong. My dad isn't "thinking of going for a ride" he wanted to go as he checked the weather and it's supposed to be nice.

I can't just afford another bike seat. And neither can my parents.

@Fruitcorner123 it's his bike so that's a no no. And it won't fit in my car anyway.

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 31/08/2017 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 31/08/2017 08:48

I can't help feeling that your divided loyalties - or rather your tendency to want to defend and support your parents - have a great deal to do with this. I vaguely remember the thread and if it's the one I'm thinking of your dh has every right to be furious and your parents are lucky that either of you are still talking to them. But you write above that your mother's actions were 'wrong' but she was 'within her rights to'. Both can't be true at once - unless what you mean is that she was legally in the right but morally/ethically in the wrong, which I think tells you all you need to know - haven't you as a family suffered some substantial hardship over their actions (and again, sorry if I'm misremembering)? I don't think it's fair of you to expect your dc to play nice because you yourself have an instinct to smooth things over with them, and I'm guessing this is his (yes, petty and annoying) way of rebelling.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 31/08/2017 08:49

Argh. ...to expect your dh to play nice...

ikeadyounot · 31/08/2017 08:49

This is not what you want to hear, but you clearly haven't accepted that they just don't get along. Your DP has made his position clear: he doesn't want anything to do with them, but he's not going to stop you or your DS seeing them.

Given the history, your DP sounds like he's not being unreasonable. In the circumstances, that's a valid choice that you need to respect. Your father can buy a cheap bike seat for under £5, so it's not like your DP is asking him to go to huge expense here. I think it would be unreasonable and provocative of you to take the bikeseat when he's asked you not to.

While it would be nice for you if everyone got along, the fact is that when people behave badly, and it sounds like your parents have behaved very badly indeed, damage is done. Just because you love them and are willing to forgive does not mean that your DH is in the same place. You need to compartmentalise these two areas of your life, so that you can maintain them both healthily.

certainlynotsusan · 31/08/2017 08:50

I've seen your threads before. I think you just have to completely make you peace with the fact that he will have nothing to do with your DP and if they want a bike seat then another one will have to be purchased.

Unlike many fallouts, from what I recall he had a very valid reason for being very upset with them. Yes you are in an awkward situation but that's what happens.

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 08:50

Also assuming the backstory doesnt involve abuse I think he is unreasonable. He must know how this upsets you and youve had to have counselling . I would have helped my DH in reverse circumstances. I would hate to think of him being so unhappy about something that I could help him with.

Original poster
thetwocultures · 31/08/2017 08:53

I don't resent him. I just find it petty and frustrating.

He'd rather my and DS visits to my parents didn't eat into our family time (weekends) - I comply
He doesn't want them to have DS alone - I comply
He doesn't want DS to stay there overnight - I comply
He doesn't want to be involved in Christmases, birthdays, family events - fine

I ask him to take a bike seat off - "you know how I feel, don't ask me to get involved in anything to do with them"

It also makes me worry for the future as one of the posters mentioned earlier about my parents getting older. I worry it will all be left up to me and he won't want anything to do with it.

OP posts:
BabsGanoush · 31/08/2017 08:54

Ragwort

there are so many threads where various issues/relationships are clearly strained and then the OP ends up saying 'and I am pregnant'.

OMG, I know, I could be rich now if I had a pound.........

diddl · 31/08/2017 08:54

"@diddl but the bike seat is doable. He just doesn't want to help because it involves them."

If it's doable then do it!

If doesn't want to help (do it?) as he's already said it's a pita then that's up to him, isn't it?

Fruitcorner123 · 31/08/2017 08:55

It's not about your parents it's about you. Someone in your family should be putting you first and from what youve alluded to your parents aren't. Why cant he?

Decaffstilltastesweird · 31/08/2017 08:56

I think you're right to think this about the future and looking after your parents alone (unless you have siblings). But tbf, not all spouses are actively involved in looking after their ageing in-laws. In your DH's case, I would completely understand him not wanting a thing to do with them. Maybe that will change, but I still think your expectations of him sound unfair (based on the little I know).

AddToBasket · 31/08/2017 08:57

Oh dear. Your DP is not really being OK. He should help YOU with the bike. He wants YOU to have a problem with your parents and is inconveniencing YOU.

But none of this is your fault and you aren't there for him to grind his axe on.

Sorry to say but this is going to be one life long heartache unless he changes. He needs to go for therapy for his anger and to see the impact on you.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 31/08/2017 08:57

'It also makes me worry for the future as one of the posters mentioned earlier about my parents getting older. I worry it will all be left up to me and he won't want anything to do with it.'

Under the circumstances, why on earth should he?

certainlynotsusan · 31/08/2017 08:58

No, he won't want anything to do with it. This is what happened when your parents took financial advantage of him.

My husband doesn't now get on with my family and it makes things very difficult. But this is what happens. And in your case for a very good reason.

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