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Sleeping over, family fall out and a load of pressure and guilt trips....WWYD?

(137 Posts)
thetwocultures Sat 17-Dec-16 12:12:34

I've posted about my DPs (Parents) and OH not getting along before (name changed since and then someone used my original username sad) the fall out only happened around August this year so still fresh and raw.

Try to cut it short and I really need some advice as I feel quite upset over the whole situation.

My family is from a different country where we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve so the day before it gets celebrated in UK. Which is good for me as I don't have to juggle who's side we see on what day etc.
Anyway, my DPs usually see my DS once a week agreed either Monday or Wednesday and then drop him off at OHs DMs house as I'm at work and like I said them and my OH don't really talk (it's more from my OHs side).
This week they asked me if instead of doing the usual could me and DS come over and sleep over at their house on Friday and spend Christmas Eve with them, have dinner, open presents and they would drop us off home Christmas Eve before DSs bed time (7pm).
Asked my OH what he thinks and he said that he has actually arranged for himself to have a day off that Friday so he could spend it with me and DS up until I had to go to work (I work 5pm into evening) and then he could have a bit of time with DS and put him to bed etc. as he never really gets much time off throughout the year and recently not been able to spend that much time with DS due to work etc.
I said 'how about we have the day together and then DS could be picked up/dropped off at my DPs house and I'd go there after work and we could spend the night + Christmas Eve there and get dropped back off' to which OH has made clear that he won't drop him off and isn't really up for them collecting him as he doesn't want to be around them and doesn't even like my parents being around DS but he knows they're his GPs and he needs to see them etc.
I said that its just hard because if I was to make my way there on Christmas Eve by the time we eat etc we'll have to head home with DS so it'll all be lots of faffing around and rushed.
I think OH saw I was a bit upset so he said that they could collect DS Friday evening from his DMs house (she only lives up the road).
But then he came back into the room after his shower and said he doesn't understand why everything has to get arranged around my DPs and he shouldn't have to change his plans/ rearrange things so that it suits them especially considering why they fell out in the first place and said how we could do nice things together on that Friday and then he could tuck DS in bed later. And he sort of left it there confused

I've briefly spoken to my DPs about this now and mentioned that OH actually has a day off on that Friday and wanted to spend it with us as we won't get any other days apart from Christmas Day when we're at OHs family and I'm back at work Boxing Day etc. My DF has basically said what I mentioned to OH 'how about we get DS in the evening before bedtime' so I just said I'll see and let them know.
I know my DPs will be getting their back up over this as they will think my OH is trying to make things hard/stop them from doing things with DS etc...

And now I don't know what to do because I feel like either way I will be sad because I know one side won't be happy and it feels like I just have to choose which side I upset depending on my decision....


thetwocultures Sat 17-Dec-16 12:17:01

BTW I know it's complicated and there's a lot of backstory to it that I can't really go into. All I will say is my OH has trusted my parents over the years and feels like they've ... "Done him over" to put it that way.
He fully blames them for something that has happened and he will be dealing with the ramifications of that for years and years to come.

HarryPottersMagicWand Sat 17-Dec-16 12:17:40

What your OH wants trumps your parents. It's his child to and if he is taken time off work to spend quality time with his child then that's that. Your parents plans won't work and their wishes are second to the father's. I remember one of your previous threads, haven't your parents been quite rude about your OH?

Oliversmumsarmy Sat 17-Dec-16 12:18:03

You do know you have a family of your own.

I think I am with your dh. Why do your parents get to say where you go.

IrregularCommentary Sat 17-Dec-16 12:20:53

He's the dad, and he's not being unreasonable. His need to spend time with his dc trumps your parents I think.

Nanny0gg Sat 17-Dec-16 12:23:54

Is he right? Have they 'done him over'?

And if so, why aren't you on his side?

ollieplimsoles Sat 17-Dec-16 12:24:57

I'm with pp, your ds's dad should get his way here. Your parents had their turn.

Have they made any effort to make it up with your oh?

myoriginal3 Sat 17-Dec-16 12:29:00

I'd agree with your dh tbh

HarrietVane99 Sat 17-Dec-16 12:33:45

Another one who agrees with the oh. Even without any history of falling out, which I don't know the details of, his wish to spend time with his son comes ahead of your DPs, who see him often anyway, from what you've said.

Tryingtostayyoung Sat 17-Dec-16 12:34:07

Sorry I think that what your husband wants here trumps your parents. I don't think it's unreasonable of him to want to have his day off with you all and then put his child to bed. Your spending the next day (Xmas eve) with them so what difference does it make to them as presumably he'll be going to bed pretty soon after they collect him. If it was you would you be happy with being dictated to by your inlaws?

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 12:36:07

he said that he has actually arranged for himself to have a day off that Friday

I think it's unfair of him to expect you to change your plans if he's only just sprung this on you? Sounds like you usually spend Xmas Eve with your parents and he's trying to sabotage that?

Oliversmumsarmy Sat 17-Dec-16 12:38:14

Friday is 23rd. Christmas eve is 24th how is ops dh trying to sabotage Christmas eve.

He just wants Friday

baconandeggies Sat 17-Dec-16 12:39:13

Oh ignore me - I thought Xmas eve was Fri!

MsMims Sat 17-Dec-16 12:39:18

I also agree with your OH. Spending time with his own son when there won't be much opportunity for that one-on-one comes before your parents desire to see their grandson.

LittleBooInABox Sat 17-Dec-16 12:41:41

I agree with OH. In your shoes I'd spend Friday day and night with DS and OH. Go to your Parents Christmas Eve. And go home that night smile

BlueClearSkies Sat 17-Dec-16 12:42:20

I am with your Dh on this one. He has taken the day off and wants to have a nice family day and spend time with his son. He is being made out to be unreasonable and trying to make things difficult. Very unfair.

fourandnomore Sat 17-Dec-16 12:46:37

I'd just go with Friday with your oh and forget the sleepover but go spend Christmas Eve with your dps, surely that will mean both get a nice day together?

scottishdiem Sat 17-Dec-16 12:47:48

If you think that your husband is correct and that he has been the victim of some kind of shenanigans by your parents then being the parent of the child definitely trumps being the grandparent of the child.

Velvetdarkness Sat 17-Dec-16 12:51:54

Unless your parents really did do something awful to your oh I think your oh is being very unreasonable.

Ginkypig Sat 17-Dec-16 12:53:55

Your parents would only be missing a few hours with ds (not even that because he will be sleeping for most of them) if you went early on Christmas eve.

Your dh, ds and you get your time as a family on Friday then you, ds and your parents get all of Xmas eve if you pop over early have breakfast there then spend the day.

Then everyone gets some family time.

thefrizzyhairedcommunity Sat 17-Dec-16 12:54:25

I agree with your DH.

happychristmaspoobum Sat 17-Dec-16 12:56:17

I am a bit confused about the logistics - sorry if I am being thick.

Why can't you spend Friday with DH and DS, and then spend Christmas Eve with DPs?

And yes, we do need to know about why they fell out to make an informed decision fwink

Brewdolf Sat 17-Dec-16 12:57:48

I'm not sure its a question of whether your DH is justified in his view of your DPs or your DPs are justified in their views on DH.

Is it true that DH doesn't get much quality time with you both? If so then DH's wishes should trump your DPs. If not, then the compromise seems good.

Personally though I'd rather have a day with DCs and DH then a day with one side then a day with the other. With neither GP set getting longer than the other.

FrancisCrawford Sat 17-Dec-16 12:57:53

I agree with your DP too.

Plus I think you need to put your DP ahead of your parents, no matter how strong willed they are. You have your own family now.

DeepanKrispanEven Sat 17-Dec-16 12:59:29

If you have to work on Friday evening, surely your parents' suggestion involves an awful lot of faffing for you? Either you take your DS to them, then go to work, then go back to theirs and sleep over, or you take him after work when he'll be tired. I agree that your DH's wish to spend time with you and his son at this time of year comes first.

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