DP and parents AGAIN

[thetwocultures]

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed

Re DP worried I might give my parents money - definitely not that.

But he's strange with it.
I struggle month to month with my share of outgoings a bit extra would allow us a few more things and me not having to ask him if I need a new pair of maternity jeans - DP has announced that our situation is a bit better and he will start putting £400 a month in our account, but we cannot use it for anything, it's for the future
We've mentioned before about putting all wages into one account and just working out all outgoings and he seemed up to it but never followed through - also I feel he would just "pay himself" less. He would still have a access to the company account.

He can afford to fix his car, I don't have anything left over, I would have to ask him if I need new tyres etc.

He says its "our" money but I never really have anything to do with it.
He knew I was in a bit of a tough spot due to an unexpected phone bill and I was struggling (still am) yet never offered to help me out with it - yet he spent more than that amount for my birthday for things I didn't really need (inc gift card) which was at the same time.

He bought me a cheap car as I really needed it and mine broke several months earlier. I had no income of my own as mat leave ran out and I wasn't going back to work. But I had no funds to pay for my insurance.
I started a new job PT which required horrible commute I finished work in the evening and if I could drive I'd be home in 20 mins but due to public transport I would get home 2.5 hours after my shift finished in the middle of the night. He would complain that we don't see each other through the week, he knew I couldn't afford a deposit for my car insurance as it was quite high but said that "we" couldn't afford it.

He then gave me a new handbag with the £££ I needed in it as a Christmas present 3months after I started the new job and was doing the commute in freezing cold winter weather. It felt strange.

Once a week is regular contact.

Do you enjoy seeing your parents? Are they nice to you? Do they often crappy stuff about your dh?

So you blame DH for giving them too much responsibility but also say that they thought they knew more about running a factory than they actually did? Do you not see a correlation there?

FYI once a week is still a lot of contact! You make it sound like you've sacrificed and they barely see DS! It's every week!

Did you say you'd rather have insurance and no bag? His actions sound bizarre. He sounds very stressed around money, which is understandable and he is coming over as controlling. Has he always been this way with money?

I like my parents and get on very well with them. They are not toxic or alcoholics. I trust them with my children. My husband likes them and they like him. We see them approximately 3 times a year. Once a week is by no means minimal!

I actually think you should just go home to your parents, then everyone would be happy.

You really do twist your language to make things seem like something it's not. I don't blame you. It seems a little like learnt behaviour from your mother.

The way you have made the contact sound low but actually it's weekly.

The way you made it seem like he won't spend Christmas with you but actually you have two separate Christmases on the days appropriate to each culture so nobody actually misses out on the dates important to them.

Ok. I still think you need to be with your DH re your parents.

But you really need to get the money situation sorted out. It's not fair and leaves you vulnerable. You shouldn't have to beg your husband for family money.

Did you ask him for help with the phone bill?

I can understand the need to put money away for the future given what's happened.

I'm not so sure about the rest of it though.

But I'm still 100% with your DH about your parents.

Also another thing to mention with money, when we went for counselling he would say how we need it and it's helping but would also frequently mention how expensive it is. And then quickly say "but we need it so we will do it" it felt like I should be feeling guilty for needing to go.

id suggest your parents did something else with your child, rather than make a total faff of borrowing a fixed on, screwed down bike seat that your dp would have to take off, sort out and put back on while hes working

To be honest it's not your husband that needs the counselling, it's you.

Has anything anyone has said about your parents given you any clarity?

For what it's worth I might sound harsh but I have an alcoholic dad. I do get how you feel. You really need to stop blaming your DH though and see your parent for what they really are.

It is never wise to be involved in business with family or friends, as this thread sadly shows so well. It sounds as though everyone shared some responsibility for what happened, although a lot of success can be down to sheer luck, being in the right place at the right time.

I do think your DH sounds horribly controlling around money, and his poor treatment of his staff (including your DM) is what jumps out of your posts to me. You can tell an awful lot about someone from how they treat their staff and others. I bet your DH is the kind of person who leaves miserly tips in restaurants!

Your DP are your DP, for better or worth, and you have made a decision that you want to have a relationship with them, for you and your DC, and that you are doing this with boundaries and your eyes open. You are managing this relationship, albeit frustrated by your DH's lack of support. Yes, your DP are likely to become frailer as they get older and that is something that concerns you. I agree with the PP who said family counselling sounds like a possible way forward.

I am actually more concerned about your primary relationship with your DH. Financial abuse is a form of coercive control. Perhaps you should get counselling for yourself in the first instance OP. Good luck!

You can get counselling from your GP as it sounds like you need it just for you without your DH. You should be able to get six sessions for free

As i have said you have moved from one controlling relationship to another

What do you think/want

The back story to this sounds rather messy and complex. It seems like your husband definitely has justification for feeling like he doesn't want contact with your parents. Though I can see how that's upsetting for you, his wishes need to be respected on that.

However, taking a step back just for a moment; taking a bike seat off his bike is hardly a big deal and will not result in him having any contact with them. It's just helping you out with something extremely minor if you're not currently able to do it. It does seem a bit petty in my opinion.

How far will it go: "No I won't iron that top if you're wearing it to your parents", "I won't put petrol in the car if you're using it to drive to their house", etc etc? Obviously those are exaggerated examples, however I feel that refusing to take the bike seat off because it will be used on a bike ride with your parents is on a similar level of pettiness. He says he wants you and your son to maintain a relationship with them, so needs to understand things like this might happen, even if he himself is not involved.

I agree with other posters that you appear to minimise your parents behaviour and you are siding with them. Your husband has made a reasonable decision not to have contact with your parents but he respects your right to want to retain a relationship. You need to respect him in return.

You keep coming back with 'it's also unfair because....' Your husband sounds like a man who is still worried about money after taking on huge debts incurred in part by your parents.

You are free to decide to stay married or go home to your parents. You sound as if your real loyalties are to your parents.

By the way, it is not easy to take off a Bike seat and transfer it. They rust on. I think you are unreasonable to expect your husband to do it for you. In fact, I think you are unreasonable all round.

when we went for counselling he would say how we need it and it's helping but would also frequently mention how expensive it is

There's nothing wrong with that! If you've suffered a financial loss and you're stressing about spending money you're bound to feel torn. It would be an alarm bell if he refused to pay for it. But he didn't he acknowledged it was helping at the time although the cost was obviously a concern. Which if you're the sole breadwinner and carrying the responsibility of supporting a family can be incredibly stressful. Do you even understand the financial implications of what happened to you? It was major enough to create a life long divide between your DH and your DPs. Do you expect him to spend money and not voice any stress about it?

Have you any idea how people can be traumatised by financial disasters and business failures? Have you ever stopped to think about what this has done to your DH? He had that responsibility and it failed for many reasons. He must feel incredibly shit about that and worried about safe proofing the future so it doesn't happen to him again. He is still self employed so the burden is still on him to keep providing meanwhile the number of dependants is growing.

Not sure where people are getting this idea that he's financially abusive.

I struggle month to month with my share of outgoings a bit extra would allow us a few more things and me not having to ask him if I need a new pair of maternity jeans - DP has announced that our situation is a bit better and he will start putting £400 a month in our account, but we cannot use it for anything, it's for the future

'Our' account? I thought your finances were separate?

We've mentioned before about putting all wages into one account and just working out all outgoings and he seemed up to it but never followed through - also I feel he would just "pay himself" less. He would still have a access to the company account.

Ok, so he was up for it. Get it sorted out then, doesn't seem to be a problem.

He can afford to fix his car, I don't have anything left over, I would have to ask him if I need new tyres etc.

Normal to discuss large purchases with family money, but why don't you ask for access to the family money which he seems perfectly happy for you to have.

He says its "our" money but I never really have anything to do with it.

Apparently by choice, because you aren't doing anything to deal with it.

He knew I was in a bit of a tough spot due to an unexpected phone bill and I was struggling (still am) yet never offered to help me out with it - yet he spent more than that amount for my birthday for things I didn't really need (inc gift card) which was at the same time.

So he never offered... did you ask?

He bought me a cheap car as I really needed it and mine broke several months earlier. [green flag that he isn't financially abusive imo] I had no income of my own as mat leave ran out and I wasn't going back to work. But I had no funds to pay for my insurance. ... he knew I couldn't afford a deposit for my car insurance as it was quite high but said that "we" couldn't afford it.

So you couldn't afford the deposit, and he also said that the family couldn't afford the deposit... not sure of the problem here.

He then gave me a new handbag with the £££ I needed in it as a Christmas present 3months after I started the new job and was doing the commute in freezing cold winter weather. It felt strange.

Doesn't sound strange to me that your financial situation would change after 3 months of you starting to bring in an income tbh.

(huge post over)

Is the car that he can afford to fix the one you have mentioned he needs to keep the business going/keep a roof over your heads? Because that is an absolute priority, rather than nice thing to have.

And with regards to finances, is your DH 'controlling' because you would tell your parents or give them money? It seems that there is no trust there. I can't decide if it's controlling though or sensible behaviour based on what happened.

This

I think your DH is worried that if your parents realised that you had access to cash, they would find a way to get it off you.

And - repairing a car is much more important than an extra towel rail.

Cars offer freedom - to work, to enjoy yourselves as a family, to get to the shops, the doctor etc - you are pregnant; do you really want to risk being driven to hospital, in labour, in an unreliable vehicle?

An extra towel rail is just somewhere else to hang a towel - nice enough, but hardly in the same league as a car.

Step back from your parents for a month - tell them you're taking a break, and won't answer calls, texts or be visiting. Put some time into your relationship with your husband. Take stock of how you feel at the end of this time.

YABU and I don't know how many times you are going to start threads when you will always get the same advice.

Your parents are awful and have totally screwed your DH over. You admitted this fact in previous threads but seem to be in denial now.

You see your parents a hell of a lot more than most people I know and try to pass this off as being "limited." I can't imagine why you have any contact with them at all. I imagine your DH is absolutely furious and feels betrayed by you. I feel really sorry for him - no way would I put up with this shit.

Do you think your OH is happy OP? I know I would be miserable

Just move the bike seat yourself. It's not that difficult. If my dp suggested turning up at my office with a bike for me to change the seat I'd be like

You should be saying no to the bike seat request. Your husband is being obstructive. You are in denial about your abusive parents. Your husband is controlling. I can heartily recommend no contact with abusive parents and H. But it does seem, as unhappy as it clearly makes you, you plan to keep tippitoing around the three of them.

He would still have a access to the company account

Are you suggesting he embezzel money from the company?