DP and parents AGAIN

[thetwocultures]

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed

Is this the most messed up thing or what?

Yes. Completely. And bringing a baby into the mess wont help. As many others have said you are still in denial.

I'm really sorry, it must be a very hard situation for you to be tackling, but YABU.

Bike seats are a pain in the bum to take off and put on again. If know you can't do it yourself, you can probably grasp the idea that it's not easy.

Your DP needs your support in his decision to go NC with your parents. His reasons for making that decision sound entirely reasonable. Even if you aren't at the stage of being able to go NC with your parents yourself, you need to respect his decision. Asking him to facilitate contact between your DP and DC isn't respectful or sensitive to his feelings.

Also, like other posters, I get the sense that you are very emotionally responsive to your parents' demands and that this may be exacerbating the situation for you. I am sure they can find something to do other than a bike ride, or find a cheap second bike seat on Gumtree for a fiver for future use if it's essential.

It sounds as if you are caught between toxic parents and a controlling husband.

What do you think and feel, I find it all of this that voice is lost. Interestingly until your last post I thought it was a lot more on your parents from your emails and he was fine. But in that last one he sounds equally bad

This isnt really about the bike seat, there will be a million other 'bike seat' issues as time goes on. You need to accept DH isnt going to help....ever....with anything. Youve minimised contact to virtually nothing, you cant do anymore. If in all other aspects youre happy, you have to accept this.

I feel so sorry for you OP.

I was caught between toxic parents and a controlling DH and I loaded all the blame on DH. There was so much power struggles over the DC it was ridiculous. This kind of crazy juggling of everyone's emotions is so difficult. My situation ended up that DH ended up so furious with 10 years of it he got physically violent. So yes now my ex H and for years I directed my rage at him but after a lot of thought I've had to admit that I was stuck between two sets of abuse and the only person to get me out was myself. I still have very light contact with both but the boundaries I put in place are extremely strong and instead of focusing on THEIR shit, I now focus on my own.

Just today I've had an example of complete manipulation and toxicity from my parents and I've plainly told them they are in the wrong. And I've had silence back instead of abuse because they know I'm in control of myself.

Good luck OP. I hope you work out what is best for you and your family.

Your parents have deeply hurt your dh, you, DC and your marriage. Your dh has decided he wants to be NC, effectively and that includes not doing anything to make their lives easier, so no bike seat. Yet you are still seem to be blaming him for the problems. Poor man. He's trying to cope financially to deal with issues caused by your parents and it seems that he is getting little support or understanding from his wife about why he feels so bitter towards your parents. In a reverse situation, some posters would be telling you to send him back to his mummy, or ltb. Maybe you should think about it from his point of view.

It's not about the bike seat. You can either try to make it work that you stay with DH and have a relationship with your parents that involve him in no way (that includes not asking him to get involved spending time and effort to make things work for your meet ups), or you can say this is going to sink your marriage.

From what you've said, your DH has good reasons to have nothing to do with your parents ever again, and I'm sure if he wasn't married to their DD he would either have nowt to do with them again.

The finances does need sorting, and an honest conversation, is it that he thinks giving you access to the money he earns means giving your parents access?

It is intersting that in one point you are saying "my dad drinks and my mum is toxic" but then still thinking he's mean to not let you leave your DCs with them, surely you can see they aren't safe to be incharge of DCs?

From your last post, it would seem to me that your DP doesn't actually trust you 100%. He's put some very strong rules in place, and he's keeping financial info from you - this isn't a great position for you to be in.

I get that he feels hard done by (and this is one of the reasons it's really never a good idea to go into business with friends or relative) - and its' understandable when he's lost so much - but WAS it entirely their fault? Your long explanatory post suggests that it wasn't just them, but him as well.

I really don't know where you go from here.
You've put boundaries in with your parents, and yet your DP still has rock hard lines in place that can not be crossed - I'd say he doesn't trust you to keep those boundaries in place. He might think he's being strong for you so that you don't have to think about it, but it's still on the controlling side.

I totally get what you mean about not wanting to even have his offered help with the bikeseat now, by the way - I'd probably feel the same!

Either your husband doesn't trust you financially or else he is controlling. Or perhaps both. I really do feel sorry for you and understand how distressed you feel. I am also the daughter of a mother, who is horrible to me and sister to a brother, who is violent with me (both very close to one another and narcissists). I'm now nc with brother and low contact with mother. I haven't spoken to her for almost 4 weeks and it's bliss. I feel so relieved I've finally got to this stage.

You cannot have your old life with your whole family getting along. So how can you find peace? Would you be happier if you didn't see your parents for a while or do you enjoy being with them?

In one of your replies you wonder why people can't overlook your parents' faults. It's because their behaviour is so out of order it's well past people's acceptable boundaries. I thought you had proper boundaries these days? You don't ask the opposite question - why can't your parents overlook your h's faults? You also use minimising language when discussing them like "detail orientated"

You also make it sound like it's outrageous that your parents can only have supervised contact with your son. If I knew your husband I'd be that he even encourages supervised contact. Most parents want to keep their children far away from an alcoholic, his enabler and toxicity that has cost your family financially.

I think it's bizarre that you're a grown adult woman who prioritises her toxic parents over her husband. As for fearing that he won't help in their old age 😂 Why would he?

You know that post where you list all your sacrifices and moan that nobody thinks about your feelings? Your husband is clearly thinking about yours. You clearly won't go NC with your parents so he puts up with you visiting them with dc to make you happy. He also sacrifices Xmas Eves with you and the children because seeing your parents makes you happy.

Good to hear that you're not going cycling any more. He wasn't unreasonable to not faff about removing and reattaching it later.

Why the hell are you focussed on a bloody bike seat?

You're in denial about both your H and your parents and seem unwilling to accept that they can't stand each other. Your H is unwilling to spend any time on any task that would benefit your parents, I suspect this isn't news to you which makes your surprise confusing.

Yoir H sounds like a different PITA to the PITA's that are your parents and your focus on the small stuff (bike seat), is a distraction from the dysfunctional dynamics that exist in your parental and matrimonial relationships.

You cannot have your old life with your whole family getting along.

This

You need to tell your dp he needs to bring everything home related to ds , have everything stored accessible to you and tell him not to move it without asking you in case you need it for something related to your parents. given his approach.

"and its' understandable when he's lost so much - but WAS it entirely their fault?"

From Op's last posts is does sound as if fault is on both sides with regard to Ops parents not being up to the job yet promoted?

I bet that they all think that they did each other a favour.

Is it the same business that your OH is in now Op?

As you said they were often pissed by 10.30 then there is no way they should take your DS on a bike.

I'm still reading and will get around to answering what I can.

For now a few simple ones
@diddl DP is now in virtually the same industry yes.

I bet that they all think that they did each other a favour. - I think that sums up a lot of their feelings towards each other yes.

Re my parents - I know what they are like.
And a few important things

• if I suspected or saw that either of them were under even the slightest influence of alcohol when I visit I would immediately leave with DS
• I have limited my contact with them to seeing them once a week and not really having much (any) contact in between
• I give them minimal information and keep contact very basic

I have not said it's unfair that my parents can't look after DS unsupervised, I respect my DPs wishes, but that doesn't mean it's not hurtful to me.

Op I've responded to a number of your threads before.

Your parents are toxic alcoholics. You need to accept that, not blame your DH for not accepting their extremely significant shortcomings.

You want your DH to change his stance. He won't. He is being very clear in communicating this to you, you just don't want to hear it.

And you should not be leaving the kids in your dads care at all. Bike ride, emergency etc. In last threads you have said about their drinking and I think you have minimised it in this thread.

You need to wake up here.

If you do end up splitting up, be aware that your DH could have good grounds for custody if you continue to want your parents to look after the kids. Think about it.

And with regards to finances, is your DH 'controlling' because you would tell your parents or give them money? It seems that there is no trust there. I can't decide if it's controlling though or sensible behaviour based on what happened.

Your DM picks you up and drops you like a sack of scalding crap if it suits her, your dad lies to you.

there are massive alcohol problems in your family with one or both of them off their faces at 10.30 in the morning, and you are sitting here with your fingers in your ears singing la la la.

You are not loyal to your DP, not in any way shape or form. Your household has taken on eyewatering amounts of debt incurred due to the problems your parents created/exacerbated.

You are afraid of your parents, the fear of them is tangible here, you will do anything, say anything to keep them in the position they occupy.

YOu need to set defined boundaries here, support your family (by that I mean your DP/DS) and stop pandering to your parents.

Is this a scary proposition for you? I am sure it is.

Would losing your relationship be less scary?

that is the choice you will have to make...

And I don't consider that once a week is minimal contact. I know lots if well functioning and happy families that see each other less.

Again...
I can only repeat what I've said on your previous threads and what others have posted on here.
You don't want to go NC with your parents, your DH does. Your choice is either:
Do not involve him in anything to do with your DPs
Or
Leave him.
They will NEVER resolve their negativity with each other.

Why is any of your loyalty to your parents and not all of it to your DH?

He should be your family now. I can see his PoV

if you are heavily pregnant, and your DP wants to take DS on a bike ride, how are you supervising that? Driving along behind them in a car?

And I don't consider that once a week is minimal contact. I know lots if well functioning and happy families that see each other less.

Yep this does not fit minimal contact!

If Ops OH was at all at fault for the business failing he should accept that & not completely blame the parents.

However, that doesn't mean to say that he doesn't have good reason for wanting to be NC with them & for his son to have as little contact as possible with them-although once a week sounds fine.