DP and parents AGAIN

[thetwocultures]

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed

Btw, what he can afford to take from his business should deffo be a very involved part of the discussion and he should expect this)

if extras always crop up, your budget isn't working - you haven't included erroneous expenses. either you can afford more in which case increase your budget or you can't, in which case you have to cut back elsewhere. this is a convo you need to have together.

Having a plan is good though.
He wants to hear from you details like" I want to increase my hours from Jan 2018 when ds gets 15 hours free nursery . " "Look at my spreadsheet. Could you take over the water bill so I can build a contingency fund." "Could we plan what DIY projects we can do this year." "Could we budget some maternity clothes for me. I will be needing a winter coat soon" etc

It's normal to discuss big purchases. So if car needs MOT in January and baby is due in February, £400 buggy should be pencilled in for November and so on.

Have you thought of any long term goals and how it will fit in with family life? If your h became unable to work it will be up to you to step up to the plate. You should definitely think about how and when to build that career you never got started.

I told him it feels like our finances are separate.
If our finances were joint or I knew the money was there I could've just gone out and bought them...

But upthread you said
he said he's happy to make a "spreadsheet" and told me to think about what I actually want to happen, if I want everything joint and deal with bills etc....

So do you want joint finances or don't you? Your oh has asked you what you want, now it's up to you to decide.

My In- laws hated me until death. But I did my best to overlook their cruelty bc our dc and dh loved them. Not easy, lots of tears but i learned how to live with it.
I think that the more people (healthy, not abusive) who love our dc the better as long as they don't bad mouth me or put dc in the middle.

Unless your dp's ran his foot over with their car, they were not the worst-case dp's. Tell him that you understand his views, but the big picture requires maturity and being polite: he isn't hurting your dp's, he is hurting get you and dc. He loves you? Then he ignores history except making sure it doesn't repeat and he helps you ffs...you are pg!

I only read the OP and could only think of Uncle Bryn, Gay Jason and the fishing trip.

He's being a fucking arse. Tell him you'll take the whole bike if he won't take the seat off. Then tell him to grow the fuck up.

RTFT.

All these complaints you have been listing about your husband, I wonder if they are your legitimate complaints or if they come from your parents. It stands to reason that your parents are as mad about things as your DH and, if they are as manipulative as other PPs have said, they probably wouldn't hesitant to fill you up with doubts and suspicions about him. I think the bike seat is a red herring and is more about your Dad sticking it to your DH and upsetting you in the end. They are trying to drive a wedge between you and your DH. Don't let them do this. Be loyal to your DH and stand by him. He needs you.

IMHO - visiting once a week is NOT minimal - not at all. That's another thing they're having you believe.

You sound so sad and stressed and I feel for you. Maybe you need to step back for a month or so and go NC with your parents. Look at it as a chance to clear your mind so you can see what is really going on. Be kind to yourself and your DH and after that month is up, you should know if you're happier or not. If you are happier, then reduce the weekly visits to twice monthly so you can keep your peace of mind and peace in your marriage.

Don't let your parents guilt you into anything - you have to be strong for your own family.

You should be able to decide whether or not a pair of jeans can be afforded and it was ridiculous that you had to keep asking. You should have access to money for that.

If you want to continue a relationship with your parents you should, but you should respect your DH position, and if I were him I wouldn't want my DC near them either.

You: "I need some new jeans. I can't afford it. Have you got some spare money?"

Him: "No".

Are you claiming you had this conversation every other day for three weeks and after that time he did a complete U-turn? Because if so I think you'd have said so.

Frankly, the jeans example shows just why you need to sit down and chat. Because I'm sure there is money for clothes (unless you're both really skint). It sounds as if he's saying there is a shortage of money and you've taken that to mean there's no money for clothes, and you've had a number of short conversions at compete cross-purposes because of assumptions you've both made about each other's POV.

Dear OP, there are so many posts that I haven't read them all - sorry - but I really do think it sounds like you need a best friend to whisk you away from all this for a lovely spa weekend or city break somewhere. We're never going to know all the ins and outs of this and with respect it's going to be easy to cherry pick advice from a forum which may not be fair to some. I'm a big believer in the phrase: Find all you need in your mind, if you spend the time. You know more than any of us about the situation (of course) sounds a little like you're unlikely to get time to yourself to think it through though. Best of luck.

I am one of those who fails to comprehend why a couple sharing a home and children would have separate finances, and I agree that your situation (e.g. the maternity jeans example) sounds a bit ridiculous and demeaning for you. Like PPs, I think it's entirely possible that he's behaving this way because he doesn't feel you're entirely on his 'side'.

What's the problem with telling him you want joint finances? Tell him you want to be able to buy yourself jeans/get insurance for your car without having to ask him. Tell him that your looking after the dc is also a valid contribution to the family and put together a rough plan for progressing your earnings in future years when they will be at preschool/school.

I am sure you can do this:

Good luck!

Buying your other half a present is a lot easier with separate finances.

Sherbrooke

Are you on the wrong thread?

If the bike is accessible ie you don't have to take it down from somewhere awkward, isn't a 2 yo's bike small enough to just stick in the car?? I don't understand the seat business! Do your parents have a bike but no seat?? How would that happen? I think I'm missing something!

It is a child's seat that fits on the back of an adult's bike

OP you may not give your Parents money, but would you have bought another bike seat if the money was there?

Re-read your other threads.

On one you describe your Parents as manipulating, game playing and they Gas light and emotionally abuse you. Plus your Dad is an alcoholic.

Then in a later thread you write
"regardless of the business side where ALL OF THEM made mistakes, my parents are good people."

Your issues stem from your childhood/Parents, your DH is trying to protect you and quite rightly refuses contact with them, because he game time hem a chance and he can see that they fucked you over over money. He could probably already see that they fucked you over, as a child.

You can't have the family you want, because you've got shit Parents.

You should have made your DH/DS and his family your focus.

"The reason I've put up boundaries is because my DM can get overly involved in things and I was too keen to make her happy at one point that's all."

Would you have done that if not for your DH? There is still a level of that going on, but you aren't at the stage of seeing that. It took me (and others I know) until they were in their 40's.

"He told me last night he thinks he can't make me happy, he wants to but doesn't know how anymore because he knows what I want.
On the other hand I will never ask him to make up because I know that will make him unhappy."

You want what every child should have, but you'll never get that because you are looking in the wrong place. You are allowing these two toxic and addicted people to ruin what you have with someone who loves you and is loyal to you.

I think you need to read about toxic Parents. Follow the links on the relationship boards.

Your DH was right to shut down the Counsellors suggestions.