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Scheduling time to see DGPs

(27 Posts)
thetwocultures Wed 01-Feb-17 12:13:51

I work PT evenings and up to now I would go to my DParents once a week with DS and head to work around 4ish and they would drop him off home to OH an hour before bedtime.
My DM doesn't work but my DDad does so he would usually see him for a couple of hours or so.

My DD has recently started a new job which will mean that he would not be able to see DS through the week as he would finish just before or around the time DS has to be dropped off home.
Originally we arranged to see my DPs through the week as weekends are time for my OH and DS to spend time together as usually me and OH miss each other through the week due to the working hours.

If anyone read my previous posts there's a huge backstory here but basically my DPs and my OH dislike and do not talk to each other at all. - extremely complicated big and small faults on both sides probably bigger on my DPs. It's not getting resolved anytime soon or ever.

I'm trying to rearrange a better time to go see them every week so my DD sees him too. OH has said that we can do Saturday 8am and be home for 12 (including 30min drive one way) which will massively cut down on the time we'd spend there before, if we run late as it would mean early starts by the time we are done travelling etc we might get just over 2hours or so. And he is not willing to compromise on the time he gets to see DS.
My DPs suggested that DS could stay over every Friday and they would bring him back Saturday morning which I thought wasn't the worst idea as it would just mean OH won't see him for an hour or two Friday and then he'd be back before OH finishes work Saturday and we've got the weekends together. OH doesn't want to hear it, he said he doesn't trust them and doesn't trust they'll put him to bed on time etc. (IDK why) He said the only way he'll compromise is to keep it 8-12 3 Saturday's a month and 1 night he can sleep over but only if I sleep over there too as he doesn't trust them....

It wouldn't make a difference if I stay over or not as I'm at work when DS goes to bed anyway but he's adamant on it.
I know my parents might be sad/hurt about it as my DMiL and DFiL see DS a bit more as they babysit him 4 days a week in between me going to work and OH coming back and now their time is getting cut even more. But I know we need to prioritise what's the best for us as a family.

I just need a bit of guidance/opinions in terms of what is or isn't reasonable here.

My idea was to let DS sleep over 1 or 2 times a month and have him brought back for 11 on Sat and then see them 8-12 on Saturdays when he is not sleeping over.
OH says 3 times a month 8-12 on a Saturday and 1 sleep over with me staying over there as well (-which I don't want to do).

I know it's a stupid issue but any advice would be appreciated!

SEsofty Wed 01-Feb-17 12:16:17

Why doesn't your oh trust your parents to look after the child?

That is the issue you need to address

Tricycletops Wed 01-Feb-17 12:16:53

To be clear, you're the poster whose DPs caused you and your husband a huge financial loss, aren't you? I still don't see how that's fault on both sides..,

OliviaBenson Wed 01-Feb-17 12:21:14

I remember your previous posts. It's all very complicated and seems a lot of work.

What is best for your child and you and DH? I can see why he is concerned. Does it have to be so fixed?

thetwocultures Wed 01-Feb-17 12:27:43

Tricycle first of all I never posted the full story but the outcome of it is that we are at a big financial loss yes but part of it is as much his fault as it is theirs so there is fault on both sides even though they are probably more to blame but again it's extremely complicated.

Apparently it does have to be fixed...

Sunnie1984 Wed 01-Feb-17 12:34:36

I've read previous posts and actually think your OH is dealing with the situation remarkably calmly given the circumstances.

What about still take DS one day in the week, but your parents put him to bed, and you sleep at your parents that night after work?

That might work slightly better than weekends, which are pretty important for immediate family time.

See what your OH thinks of that. I wouldn't want my kids away Friday night through to midday Saturday, that is a good chunk of the weekend.

Still think you are on borrowed time trying to balance this. You can't sit on the fence forever. Surely your parents should be at least attempting to make up for some of the financial loss they have caused, if only to repair the relationship with your OH, and keep your family together.

imnotalpharius Wed 01-Feb-17 12:34:47

Blame aside are your parents bearing as much of the financial fall out and difficulties as your family unit?

pinkbraces Wed 01-Feb-17 13:27:01

Why does your OH get to decide everything. Surely you have an equal say?

thetwocultures Wed 01-Feb-17 13:46:55

My parents are also in a financial difficulty ATM, my dad expressed his intention to help but they are not and won't be in the position to do anything for a long time.

Sunnie that's actually not a bad idea either... depending on what time my DDad finishes work...will look into it.

Pink I've expressed my idea but at the end of the day I need to respect his wishes too. If I said no to something my PiLs wanted to do he would stand by me so I feel I should do the same.

thetwocultures Wed 01-Feb-17 22:36:46

Any more opinions/insight would be greatly appreciated as my head feels a bit mashed ATM...

EmeraldScorn Wed 01-Feb-17 23:07:32

Surely regardless of previous problems your son shouldn't be punished by losing out on time with his grandparents - He gets to see your husband's parents without question, he should also see your parents too.

Your husband's lack of trust towards them on the basis of a financial "mishap" isn't conductive with being bad grandparents - If they pose no harm to the child then there's no valid reason to exclude them.

Children should never be used as pawns in family drama and I think that's what your husband is doing, it sounds to me like he's trying to get back at them out of resentment and bitterness, that's not fair to put that on your son.

Personally I'd be allowing my parents to play as equal a role as the other grandparents in my child's life, unless there was a risk to my child's welfare and that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Whatever has or hasn't gone on should be treated as a separate issue and not be used to influence a decision on whether your parents get to spend time with your child!

thetwocultures Thu 02-Feb-17 13:34:58

Thank you Emerald
My OHs opinion is that he shouldn't give up his time with DS in their favour.
His parents see DS Mon-Fri as they live 1 min up the road from us and it's easier for me to drop DS off for the hour or two he needs babysitting before OH finishes work. It's usually OHs mum and aunt and occasionally his DDad as he works too so not always there.

Like I said the reason for changing days is because my DDad started a new job and the hours mean he wouldn't see DS when he's there through the week. But they have also said that if the fact he needs to work like this means that they are only allowed to see DS a couple of hours a week provided that DDad gets up early on his day off and everything is strictly scheduled they'd rather not at all as they feel like they are being pushed aside and having to beg for time with their DGS and OHs parents get to see DS more. They want DS to sleep over Friday night to get more time but OH said that is completely out of the question.
He thinks they are manipulative and he doesn't want them to 'ruin' DS as he grows up.

It probably doesn't help that last Monday when they had DS they dropped him off late as my mum "mixed up" the hours he was supposed to be back. They didn't let anyone know they were going to be late as my mum won't speak to OH etc etc so OH had to sit around waiting for his DS without knowing what's going on and he ended up going to bed an hour after his bedtime. My DM keeps insisting it was an honest mistake as she had the hours mixed up from when I stayed over for a few days with DS the other week.

There's so much more involved in it all e.g. What's happened in the business etc that I really can't go into as its too outing.

OH is saying if it wasn't for what happened (which he blames my DM and DD for) he wouldn't have to be reestablishing himself in his job and scraping by and if they did what they were supposed to do they wouldn't be struggling either and that it's not his fault my DDad has to work how he does now so he doesn't see how he should be working around them.

I feel like flipping them all off and going into my own little cave to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.

hopelesslycynical Thu 02-Feb-17 15:46:30

Having read this, and your other threads, if I may say so, it seems as if you are unable or unwilling to defy or upset your parents in any way. I'm sorry, but if your DF changes his job so that he sees your DC less, why are you bending over backwards to accommodate him? Its unfortunate, but life is often tough. Millions of parents work jobs and shifts, missing out on seeing the kids to put a roof over their heads and food on the table, why should your DC's grandparents be special? Your family unit should come first; from your posts it seems that your default position is to defer to your parents whenever there is potential conflict. You shouldn't have to change the way you and your DH order your lives, to accommodate your DF's new job. I would go further and suggest that if you continue in this vein, you are putting your marriage at risk. Not that your DH must always come first, of course not. Its not the 1950's. Of course you can see and spend time with your parents, and take your Dc to see them. But as much as it benefits your kids to have grandparents who love them, and spend time with, time spent with their DF (who sounds a good father) should be the priority. Another thing that jumped out from your OP was that your parents said "they are only allowed to see DS a couple of hours a week provided that DDad gets up early on his day off and everything is strictly scheduled they'd rather not at all" I agree with your DH, they are manipulative. It sounds as if he has got a better measurement of them than you have.

thetwocultures Mon 06-Feb-17 09:59:29

Thank you for all the replies i have taken it all on board.
Could I get a bit of help on another AIBU?

We have dropped the rescheduling of days we don't want it to cut into our time.
So I've decided do go as normal on Mondays or Wednesday's. It will mean my dad has a 50/50 chance of seeing him depending on how much work they get scheduled on these days.
But my DP wants me to bring DS home from my parents before I go to work because of what happened last time. My mum explained that she got the hours mixed up, DP says he doesn't care/believe. He is making sure it doesn't happen again and for now he wants me to bring DS home before I leave for work.
So this means instead of my parents having until 6 they have until 3 which also means my dad has 0% chance of seeing DS as he never finishes that early. And it also means making my life harder as I'll be having to set off for work early as I'll have to go all the way back home from my mums which is 30mins, settle DS with his other grandma and sneak out and then travel another 30mins to work rather than set off from my parents and get to work in 20mins flat as they live closer.
AIBU to think he's being harsh? It went from scheduling days they can see him to now cutting hours. He says it's not forever but for now we need to focus on us as we've got a lot to sort out etc.
I would be OK with changing hours if it was in favour of DP seeing DS but it's not, DP will still be at work when he wants me to drop DS off so DS will just be with his other grandma until DP gets back 5.30/6ish.
He says it's not but I can't help but feel it's a form of punishment for my parents for last week....

HicDraconis Mon 06-Feb-17 10:17:19

If my mother in law refused to speak to me it would be a very cold day in hell before I let her look after my child alone. I think your dh is being very reasonable to still allow any contact (yes I have also read your previous threads).

If on top of refusing to talk to me, I was waiting around worried to be told she'd "mixed up the hours" I wouldn't let her have the chance again.

However as you seem determined not to upset your parents regardless of your DH - and it would make your commute easier - could your mother in law pick your son up from his other grandmother around 5? Your DH could then pick up from his mum on the way home. I'd suggest your dh pick up from your mum but I imagine that would go down like a cup of cold sick.

If dh's mum could pick up at 5 then dh wouldn't worry about mixups with hours. And if your mother mixed up hours again (eg wasn't in at 5) I would be rethinking her doing any childcare at all.

thetwocultures Mon 06-Feb-17 10:27:00

Unfortunately my MIL can't pick up as she's already looking after DSs cousins and it's an hours round trip.

It's just that I feel like my dad did nothing wrong in this situation but he's now being punished and unable to see his DGs. I'm supposed to go over today and I don't know how I'm going to tell him over the phone that DGS and me will be gone before he even finishes work. And that that will be the case until further notice (from DP).

thetwocultures Mon 06-Feb-17 10:27:48

And just for a bit of background it's DP that chose not to speak to them. And tbh my mum feels the same about him but she would've been civil.

girlelephant Mon 06-Feb-17 10:37:18

I agree with Hopeless. Your priority is to your DH & child with a secondary need to facilitate a relationship with all DGPs for the child's benefit.

As for the second option I can understand your DH if he has now changed his mind about giving up any weekend time? I presume that's been the reason for the change?

I would not be happy to lose so much family time if I were your DH regardless of whether they are speaking or not. What about fortnightly visits? I think how often they see each set of GPs is separate due to one living much closer and them helping with childcare.

Sorry OP but as many of us have said on this and your other threads you really need to get everyone to fix the relationship or these problems will continue flowers

HicDraconis Mon 06-Feb-17 10:45:09

They didn't let anyone know they were going to be late as my mum won't speak to OH etc etc sounds like the refusing to speak is not just your OH!

I know you think your parents are getting a raw deal. And I know you don't think they deserve it. But the splinters you are going to get from sitting on that fence between them and your OH will end up giving you septic shock.

Can your mum drop your son at his other grandmother when you leave theirs for work?

thetwocultures Mon 06-Feb-17 10:50:32

The thing I don't understand is that he is asking me to bring DS back early but he won't see him anyway as he's at work! So it's not to make sure he spends all his free time with DS because he won't be there! DS will be with his other grandma until DP comes back......

I got them all to sit down on Friday and talk and be civil and they all agreed they won't make up anytime soon (or ever) and they don't need one another in each other's lives. They agreed DS needs to see DGPs on both sides but DP said he doesn't know how we can facilitate ATM due to our life being a bit of a mess.

So my DPs told me afterwards to just bring DS as usual and my DD(ad) will try to finish work early whenever he can. But now that won't work either as DP wants DS back 3h early.

Sunnie1984 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:53:43

You need to resolve the underlying issues, this childcare issue is simply a knock on effect from the whole financial crisis that your parents have left you all in.

If my parents had caused huge financial losses which would affect me, my husband and my family for many years to come, I would be furious.

You are trying to balance both sides when it is just not possible. There is blame for the financial problems and you have your head in the sand.

Have your parents accepted responsibility for their share in the problems (as you insist it is not just one sided), and have they set out how they intend to fix it? Have they sincerely apologised for what they did?

Civil just doesn't cut it. Your dad has had to take a job to cover the financial losses that affect him, your DH is working round the clock to keep your family afloat because of the same choices your dad made.

If there really is blame on both sides, you have to be honest with your DH too. He can't solely blame your parents if the mistakes are evenly split (seriously evenly split) but your parents have to take responsibility too.

If they are not prepared to resolve this, then you are going to be backed into a corner. The longer this goes on, the less and less likely your DH is to facilitate contact with his children. He will become more difficult and may refuse to let them see his children at all.

Eventually you are going to be forced to choose between your husband and your parents.

Not taking sides is a ridiculous notion when this situation has left you all close to financial ruin. You are not kids in the playground, you are adults who need to take responsibility for their own actions.

For what it is worth, if my in laws left us in financial ruin and my husband was pottering about as if nothing had happened, and there was no hint of a sincere apology and remorse from them, there is no chance of them seeing my children, particularly not unsupervised.

You are ignoring the actual issues and not focussing the the very large and very real problem.

HicDraconis Mon 06-Feb-17 10:58:58

He's asking you to bring your son back early because when your mother was trusted to bring him back, she didn't. He waited and worried and because people aren't speaking, she didn't let him know she was late. She "mixed up her hours".

A more cynical view would be that she did it deliberately. Which if it were me, she wouldn't be trusted with DS alone again. So you have to bring him back.

Can your mother take him to your MiL when you leave here for work? There would be no question of confusing times or mixups then as you would be leaving at the same time. She can take him straight to DHs mum (who could then text dh to let him know his son had arrived safely) for pickup later. Any stopping to feed ducks on the way and I would be stopping even that much contact.

Your DH doesn't trust your parents. The early return has nothing to do with him seeing his son and everything to do with this lack of trust.

Parker231 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:01:17

Why does your DP make the decisions as to who and when your D.C. Can visit grandparents? Are you not allowed to decide?

Sunnie1984 Mon 06-Feb-17 11:16:28

That recent discussion was anything but civil.

Did your parents acknowledge their mistakes and apologise?

I'm assuming not and they have essentially just started a Cold War.

How did you react when they said they "didn't need" your husband in their lives?

Your DH is taking them literally. If your husband does not exist to your mother, she can't drop your child back to him after visits. And vice verse if your mother does not exist to DH, you have to bring him home to your MIL before work as there is no one else to mind him.

He is now leaving it solely to you to provide contact between your son and your parents, because your parents quite frankly don't care whether your DH is in the picture or not.

That is an awful position to take, and an awful thing to hear.

They clearly forget that your DH holds all the cards when it comes to seeing his son, and he is now using them.

What a shitty situation for him to be in.

As we would say if the situation are reversed, he has a wife problem, not an inlaws problem.

thetwocultures Mon 06-Feb-17 11:21:13

Parker it's just that due to my job he has to be on board to facilitate drop offs in the evening. If I worked through the day I'd drop DS off and pick him up later and bring him home 6ish anyway but it's the fact that it's down to my Parents to drop him off and as Hic mentioned it seems to be a matter of trust he is now demanding I bring DS back myself.

I just feel that it's not fair on my Dad really as it was my DM who told him that DS needed dropping off at 7 (it's 6) and she said she got mixed up because that was the time we'd put him to bed when we stayed over the other week.

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