DP and parents AGAIN

[thetwocultures]

I know this is bloody stupid but these little things just give me headaches

I know some people on here have followed my previous posts about DP and my parents not getting along. They don't see each other and don't talk due to working together in the past.

My AIBU:

I'm going to see my parents today with DS, my DDad text me yesterday asking if I could bring DSs bike seat as they were thinking of going for a ride.

The bikes are kept in a garage at DPs office (he's self employed). I asked DP if the bike seat is hard to take off and he said it's a bit of a faff as its screwed on etc. and asked me why - I told him DDad asked as they wanted to go for a bike ride etc. Immediate awkward/weird atmosphere.
I asked DP if he's in the office in the morning so I could pop in on my way there and he didn't really reply (about half and hour before this he mentioned that he's in the office most of the day BTW). Asked if he wouldn't mind having a look for me if I come up as I'd like to take it with me.
Again no real answer, I left it for the night I know most subjects re my DPs put his back up.

This morning before going to work he told me that the bike seat is not a good idea, and that I know how he feels about the situation and that he doesn't want to get involved in anything to do with my DP(arents). He also said it would be a pain to take off and put back on. And he said I would probably be unable to do it myself if I came and would then ask him and he doesn't want to get involved. He reiterated he's happy for me to stuff with them etc but doesn't want anything to do with it/wants to be kept separate. I was sat there a bit
I asked him what he expects to happen and he said they should buy their own bike seat. (DS is two and this will be the first and probably only time until at least next year that they take him for a ride hardly worth the £££s)

He then gave me a kiss as he was getting ready to leave, I just said that this just makes it harder for me and didn't really speak. He left for work.

AIBU to be put off that he's unwilling to even help me if I need it? I understand he doesn't get on or want anything to do with my parents (even though I found it extremely sad and upsetting in the past) but this just seems petty.

Also AIBU to think that expecting someone to shell out for a bike seat that might be used 2 X times a year IF that is a bit crap? Especially as it means that we can't go for a bike ride today as we won't have a seat?

I'm tempted to just go up and try and take the bloody thing off myself but I think I probably won't be able to as I'm terrible at it. I'm just annoyed

Your DP has a DP problem (you)

You need Al-anon, you need help to stop your toxic alcoholic parents ruining your family

I think your DP is still punishing you by being so controlling over money unless he has always been like that in which case as at least one PP has said, you seem to have manipulative parents and a controlling partner. How are you going to change this? If your partner continues surely, your resentment of him will build to unbearable levels?

@OliviaBenson may I ask what behaviours your alcoholic parent displayed?

Just out of curiosity, I want to see if there's any traits I recognise in either of my parents.
My DDad has an issue but I feel it runs as deep as full fledged alcoholism. But I might be wrong.

I'm preparing myself to talking to my DP about the money issue. Last time I brought it up he said he's happy to make a "spreadsheet" and told me to think about what I actually want to happen, if I want everything joint and deal with bills etc or if I want to know what we have left over. And immediately told me that when we sit down to discuss it properly he wants me to establish what I want to do - if I want to train for a career, work PT or FT if I'm wanting to SAH etc
(I'm quite a bit younger than him so when we met he had an established career and I was still studying, we got engaged and I got pregnant and never really got onto any career path and now we have DC 2 on the way so I wasn't exactly thinking about my career. I don't really have any particular sets of skills or qualifications)
It's hard to explain but the way he talked about it made me feel like he was trying to imply I'm not really pulling my weight finance wise. Although I might be wrong.

You do sound like things are messed up!
I feel for you and your kids stuck in the middle.

You need to think seriously as to what you want going forward.
I would suggest first off opening your own bank account and having your wages transferred there. Do not allow your husband to live off your small earnings whilst he spends what he likes. I would then say you will transfer x amount (keeping some back to start your escape fund or savings of your own) to the joint account on the condition that he at least matches it (assuming he earns a lot more than a small part time wage.) If he won't agree then don't transfer your money to his access and only spent it on yourself /dc. You will presumably be on maternity leave before much longer. Do not let him leave you without any funds coming in at that point.

As for your parents I think you need to sit him down, explain what this mess is doing to you and agree a way forward as the current situation is not sustainable.

Selfishness, deviousness, lying, manipulation.

I could go on forever. What do you mean by fully fledged alcoholic? I'm worried you minimise. An alcoholic is an alcoholic. You wouldn't trust someone that only had a little bit of heroin to get them through the day. It's the same difference.

My dad could have days where he didn't drink or waited to the evenings but he was still an alcoholic.

Have a look at this op: https://www.thecabinchiangmai.com/personality-traits-and-characteristics-of-adult-children-of-alcoholics/

Does anything sound familiar with you? When I read that list it was a shock as I have most of those traits.

Anyone who has read the full story has repeatedly told you, OP, that your parents are toxic and you your partner is not being unreasonable. But you refuse to listen to anyone. You continue to allow your parents to come between you and the father of your children. They will ruin your relationship and you will lose him. But you never seem to do anything about it because you're so in thrall to them for some reason. It's so sad.

I'm preparing myself to talking to my DP about the money issue. Last time I brought it up he said he's happy to make a "spreadsheet" and told me to think about what I actually want to happen, if I want everything joint and deal with bills etc or if I want to know what we have left over. And immediately told me that when we sit down to discuss it properly he wants me to establish what I want to do - if I want to train for a career, work PT or FT if I'm wanting to SAH etc

Far from being controlling, it sounds as if the dh is actually trying to get the op to take some responsibility and make some decisions about managing their affairs and planning for the future.

What do you want to happen, op?

So have him make a spreadsheet and you can work out what you want to do in the future. Be a full and equal partner. And if he actually doesn't want that, then we can call him controlling. I don't mean you have to earn as much as he earns. I mean you have to be part of all the conversations, work out what you can afford, work out childcare and working/studying together.

How much older is he than you?

I'm probably still too much of a pushover but I'm not an idiot

I feel for you, what a sad situation.
However they are going to be grandparents for a long time if your little one's two and maybe they could consider keeping some things at theirs? My parents have 7 grandkids in all so a bit different but they have bikes, car seats, spare clothes, wellies etc at the house for when any of them visit. The majority was second hand - freecycle etc. In terms of immediate solution I would fib and say it's faulty or you've lent it to someone. Also I'm guessing he just patronised you with the 'you can't do it and will need help' comment because, either, that's what normally happens, or he's clutching at straws because it kills him to have to help them or let his daughter see them. I expect his internal thoughts do not make him feel great about this situation either and maybe he needs to hear that although you don't want to cheat your daughter out of grandparents, you do agree that they behaved unreasonably all that time ago. I don't have a man of my own but seem to remember they like their egos massaged? If you husband has had to suck it up and can't let it go then I realise it's very hard on you and do feel for you. It sounds like he wasn't the main culprit, reading between the lines though. Makes me think of Aesop's fable about the sun and the wind.

your parents being such fuckwits is hugely hurtful and i feel you have acknowledged that but not quite accepted it.

your dp is also responsible for his business failure and him blaming it entirely on your parents shows he hasn't owned up to his part.

you do need to sort out the financial side. i personally would challenge him if you think he's thinking you don't pull your weight. ask him directly if that's what he feels.

personally i think he is thinking that. he doesn't have your back. he thinks it's ok to teach you a lesson by making you wait for the bus in the freezing cold when he so easily could have helped you. he's supposed to love you and want the best for you. those are not kind actions. AT ALL. i would be really really upset. and the fact that he gave you a christmas present of what would have been so appreciated 3 months before just points to his wankerage. 'oh what a big man i am! i can swan in and save you! but not before I've taught you a LESSON and WHO'S BOSS.'

seriously, i don't like the sound of your parents, but i like the sound of your dp even less.

so i'd suggest having a really good think about what you really want, as your ever so thoughtful dp has already suggested, and don't do yourself down. your value doesn't decrease because someone else thinks less of you. you fight for your rights. you're bringing up his kids and that's worth a LOT.

I think that's really sad. Regardless of the back story - this is about your child going on a bike which I'm sure they would enjoy and about you being able to have a relationship with your parents. I can't stand my m'n'law...but I would bend over backwards to make sure my feelings for her do not impact on the relationship my hubby has with her - it's his mother for goodness sake. Sorry but sounds like your hubby is being a childish jerk.

They are a complete faff. TBH I think if there were no "issues" you would probably realise it's actually not very practical to take it off and see his point from that perspective only. In the circumstances though, watch a YouTube video about taking them off get your screwdriver out and do it yourself. And then leave it for him to put back on.

I'm sorry I'm quite new to MN and I haven't followed how this all started. That being said, I would feel awkward raising a child when he doesn't talk to your folks and everybody is okay with it.
He is being unreasonable and HAS to sort it out for your sake and the sake of your DC.

That's really sad can he not see that his son is missing out because of all the trouble. Fair enough if he doesn't want to be involved but would hardly take much effort to take the seat off

Really feel for you must be a horrible place to find yourself in. I would feel the same as you to be honest

(I'm quite a bit younger than him so when we met he had an established career and I was still studying, we got engaged and I got pregnant and never really got onto any career path and now we have DC 2 on the way so I wasn't exactly thinking about my career. I don't really have any particular sets of skills or qualifications)
I am also married to a much older man and one of the things I realised quite early on is that it's absolutely vital to prepare for the time when the older partner is no longer able to work. I did this by starting my own business from home, so when he retired, I was able to take up the financial slack. So in this respect, your DP is right. You do need a proper plan. My husband actually had to stop work early because of an unforeseeable injury and if I hadn't planned for that, we'd have been in real trouble.

Taking off a bike seat that isn't at home sounds like a huge faff. It's the kind of request my ILs would put in and I'd have to point out to DH why it isn't doeable. I don't get on with my ILs that well so I can see how this would come across as being awkward or difficult. Think rationally about the situation. A bike ride would be lovely if it goes ahead but maybe it would be easier to do something else instead. Don't forget you're going to have to fix it to your Dad's bike even if you manage to get it off your DPs one.

Your husband's financial request is reasonable.

It's a good idea to think about your long-term and short-term goals like whether to work more or less.
It's also a good idea to think about how much detail you want and how you think finances should be organized.
After thinking about your ideals, talk to your h about what he thinks.

I understand it can be a headmash to think about the future when you have young kids but it's good that he's looking out for you and asking for your opinion. Some would tell their wives to earn more or stop working because of the childcare cost.

It doesn't sound like he's berating you for not earning at all.

OP, I wonder if you and your DH have different attitudes to money, and that is what's driving this. He appears to be very organised. This is a good thing.

He can only take from the business what it can afford. As there have clearly been some money issues and he is now (it seems) building a new business, there's every reason to believe money may be a bit tight. You may not understand why he has money available for certain things. Have you asked him? He may have a perfectly good reason.

To be brutally honest, you don't seem to be as organised as him, and you don't seem to have had a properly informed discussion about finances. By "properly informed" I mean one supported by hard figures. Hence his request for a spreadsheet. To my mind, this is a perfectly appropriate request. Why the scare quotes?

It can be very frustrating living with a person who doesn't get their spending priorities in order and then continually cries poor and insists on having extra money that just isn't there. It's doubly frustrating when said person then thinks the responsible partner is financially abusive. While I am not accusing you of this, blowing family money without agreement is just as abusive.

You need to draw up a budget of you income and expenses based on the last 12 months, he needs to do the same, and then you can work out a fair split of the money.

It's just the fact that he said we will sit down and work out the finances etc but I NEED to know what I'm doing, not juggling ideas about. Which to me translates as : He won't join our finances until he knows I will pull my weight which as reasonable as it sounds it feels a bit odd as I have spent the last 2 years and will spend another good few raising his kids whilst working PT but he wants me to have more of a plan.

He also questioned me on why I feel this way as its always been like this , I told him it feels like our finances are separate. I.e. If his car needs fixing he can fix it, if mine needs fixing I need to go to him because I've no money.

I said I don't want to know how much we have left over so I can spend it away, I just want to know if we are able to spend extras on things that crop up sometimes - I only had one pair of maternity jeans and they tore near the crotch, it wasn't noticeable, I told him and said I will need some new ones as these will get worse, it was 2-3 weeks of me mentioning it every other day and it got to the point where both sides of the inside of my jeans had gaping slits in them when we finally went and bought some.
If our finances were joint or I knew the money was there I could've just gone out and bought them, it doesn't feel right that I have to almost ask him for silly things like that.

And frankly I'm all appalled that some on this thread have made accusations of financial abuse on the basis of what you've said. It's irresponsible, inflammatory, and egregiously bad advice.

It can be very frustrating living with a person who doesn't get their spending priorities in order and then continually cries poor and insists on having extra money that just isn't there. - really?

I have a monthly budget drawn up every month on my tablet where I update any recent outgoings/incoming money and have standing orders saved onto every month. I can see how much I have going in and out. I usually have about £30 pm spare after I've covered my side of the bills, fuel, groceries etc.

And extras always crop up such as new shoes for DS, dog groomers or vets, unexpected phone bill etc.

And I've not called him financially abusive, he just has an odd attitude when it comes to his finances.

Sorry, cross-posted.

Why shouldn't you have a plan? That sounds like a good idea and empowering for you.

With money, you do need to nail things down. Juggling ideas round is all very well for starters but it doesn't get you beyond a certain point.

From his perspective, I can see why it's entirely fair that you should make a plan rather than considering your own income-earning capacity as unimportant next to his. It's frustrating for him, demeaning for you, and sexist.

Cross-posted again.

You didn't use the term, although you have implied that he isn't playing fair. Others have used this to accuse him of financial abuse. Not OK.