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Original poster

Our "affair"ruined our friendship ...

216 replies

Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:47

I know I'm probably going to be flammed but here goes...(name changed for obvious reasons)
I had a very good friend for over 14 years,we spoke daily and went on holidays together,text all the time,like sisters.
I had always been friendly with her brother and we started texting a lot (as friends) he had a girlfriend and a child.
Anyway this went on for a while,talking about normal things really our day etc,we spoke in secret as we knew my friend (his sister) would go mental.
We told each other we loved each other and we crossed a line we shouldn't have.
I felt awful and guilty and he did too and for the sake of his child kept away from each other.
He drunkenly told his sister he loved me and what had happened ...
It kicked off between me and her but we worked through it and agreed to put it all to bed and move on.
Me and him blocked each other's numbers etc and didn't speak.
Then 5 months later my friend told me he couldn't move on whilst I was in her life still and that was it..a 14 year friendship gone.
It's been 14 months since we've spoke (me and her) I miss her terribly.
We've seen each other twice and both times we've walked past each other.
Once we smiled.
She was like my sister ..
I know I did wrong but so did he...
Why did she totally remove me from her life?
Me and him had blocked each other,it was over,only the 3 of us knew what had gone on.

OP posts:
HughLauriesStubble · 15/08/2017 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoyceDivision · 15/08/2017 21:53

Maybe his sister is showing solidarity with the partner and child, not her brother. And it's difficult to keep that relationship when she is friendly with the 'other woman'.

So what if only the three of you knew (really? His partner has no idea? Are you sure) three people or three hundred: it's still an affair. That comment hints you don't reallysee it as a big deal?

Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:53

He wasn't married no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:54

She isn't really friendly with the other woman,she thinks he is taking him for all he has but obviously it's her nephew.

OP posts:
WingsofNylon · 15/08/2017 21:58

I bet it hurts. Tough, thoes are the consequences of your actions.

Buck3t · 15/08/2017 21:59

youonlylive why do it to yourself? Coming on here knowing how the people on this site behave if they read a whiff of infidelity, tells me you want to keep hurting.

I have no advice, except if she has moved on you need to too. For your own wellbeing.

Now wait for it rather than discussing your friendship these 'ladies' are going to go on and on about the infidelity part.

Gorgosparta · 15/08/2017 22:03

To be fair you put hee in an awful position.

If your friendship was that important, you would not have done it.

Are you in a relationship too?

Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 22:06

I wasn't in a relationship no.
I fell in love with him,it wasn't to hurt my friend.
I do miss her so much and she must miss me,I don't believe she doesn't.
I wish I knew how to make it right,I've moved on and happy with someone.
I wouldn't speak to him again,I just want my friend back.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 15/08/2017 22:08

I feel very sorry for the loss of your friendship.

Blood is generally thicker than water. She would always side with him. However, if she were a decent friend she wouldn't have allowed there to be an over lap, if the brother is merely acting out of guilt and you are the fall guy; by isolating you out entirely he minimises the risk of his partner ever finding out. If he's not happy with her, he's still not happy with her. Bit of a misery all round really. I think you're better off without him, he's spineless.

NotTheFordType · 15/08/2017 22:11

Are you the poster who fucked the guy when his 6wk old baby was around? He lives at his mums and spends most of his days playing xbox? Apologies if not

Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 22:15

I'm not no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 22:15

I just feel lost without her,it might sound stupid but I remember things and little "in" jokes and have a cry.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 15/08/2017 22:16

You have to mourn your friendship as though it were a death. I really do feel for you.

WeAllHaveWings · 15/08/2017 22:34

Must admit I'd struggle to forgive a friend that had a quick leg over with my brother who had a partner and child and then had the audacity to share this with me so I had to also live with their dirty little secret every time I looked at my dsil and dn.

You never spared a thought for the upset you would cause your friend, but she was a good friend and tried for months to get over your behaviour but couldn't. You need to accept she tried but your breach of trust was too great to maintain a friendship.

Her negative feelings towards her brother are probably as strong, but he is her brother, surely you can see how family is very different.

Firenight · 15/08/2017 22:38

That's really not fair. You did the right thing blocking each other and trying to move on. It is a grief when a friendship is lost and it will take time to work through. Be gentle with yourself.

spottystripey · 15/08/2017 22:40

Something very similar has happened to me. I am 1 year into the broken friendship and I can tell you I'm not at all over it but it is getting easier. Time heals. It's grief, my lovely. I have found that very few people understand how hard it is to get over the breakdown of a friendship as it's not a death and it's not a relationship breakdown in the traditional meaning of the word 'relationship'. So people don't really understand why you can't just say 'ah fuck her' and ignore her and move on.

I can't offer any advice really apart from keep on trucking on. Look after yourself. Be kind to yourself. You WILL get over this and you WILL make other friends. Don't blame yourself. You're not alone.

GwenStaceyRocks · 15/08/2017 22:43

Maybe your affair made her view you in a different way and caused her to rethink your friendship. Regardless of whether or not she disapproves of what her brother did, he is her brother so it was always less likely she would cut him off when she found out what happened.

fannydaggerz · 15/08/2017 22:44

One of my friends was dating my brother for a few months and I didn't care.

It was their relationship and nothing to do with me.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 22:47

I can't understand why it was nearly a year later when she cut me off.
I supported her through difficult times after that.
She has just erased me like I didn't exsist,it almost feels like she thinks if she does that it never happened as such.
I've looked at her FB profile and she's laughing and joking with him,tagging him in pics ..it's double standards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 22:48

I honestly think if he hadn't of got drunk months later and started talking about me then she wouldn't of cut me off.

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 15/08/2017 22:53

Its his guilt that's caused this. You see, you might spill the beans at a family party or something. He's coving his back by giving his sister the ultimatum, yes he's dressed it up as 'cant move on' when what he means is 'shit scared it will all come out'.

As I said before, he's spineless. He was unhappy then, and he used you, he'll still be unhappy now. Your friend isn't your friend, which is sad, and yes you must mourn the loss of that friendship.

Do people ask why you don't talk any more?

Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 23:00

Yeah lots of people wonder.
I guess I would too.
Hopefully il start to feel better eventually.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 15/08/2017 23:04

It's not double standards: he's her brother. Sad but it's due to your own actions.

steff13 · 15/08/2017 23:04

I've looked at her FB profile and she's laughing and joking with him,tagging him in pics ..it's double standards.

To be fair, you and she were "like" sisters; he's actually her brother. We tend to give our family a little more latitude than we give other people.

I'm not sure I understand why you didn't just date? He's not married, you loved him, he loved you, he wasn't married.

RidingWindhorses · 15/08/2017 23:07

Was it a full physical affair? Did you have sex?

I'm assuming you did.

Personally, my brother's love life is nothing to do with me. If he can't move on after falling for someone else that's his problem not mine, I certainly wouldn't lose a friend over it.

I wouldn't be chuffed with you, but I'm guessing you've learnt your lesson.

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