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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Our "affair"ruined our friendship ...

216 replies

Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:47

I know I'm probably going to be flammed but here goes...(name changed for obvious reasons)
I had a very good friend for over 14 years,we spoke daily and went on holidays together,text all the time,like sisters.
I had always been friendly with her brother and we started texting a lot (as friends) he had a girlfriend and a child.
Anyway this went on for a while,talking about normal things really our day etc,we spoke in secret as we knew my friend (his sister) would go mental.
We told each other we loved each other and we crossed a line we shouldn't have.
I felt awful and guilty and he did too and for the sake of his child kept away from each other.
He drunkenly told his sister he loved me and what had happened ...
It kicked off between me and her but we worked through it and agreed to put it all to bed and move on.
Me and him blocked each other's numbers etc and didn't speak.
Then 5 months later my friend told me he couldn't move on whilst I was in her life still and that was it..a 14 year friendship gone.
It's been 14 months since we've spoke (me and her) I miss her terribly.
We've seen each other twice and both times we've walked past each other.
Once we smiled.
She was like my sister ..
I know I did wrong but so did he...
Why did she totally remove me from her life?
Me and him had blocked each other,it was over,only the 3 of us knew what had gone on.

OP posts:

mirialis · 16/08/2017 12:31

OP - I had an extremely close friend of 12 years. I was as close to her as I was my actual sister. During the last year of our friendship I was a pretty crap friend and sister (I realise now I was losing the plot a bit with work pressure and got totally wrapped up with my own shit, my work and it's associated social life and neglected the people closest to me). My friend cut me off, my sister forgave me.

I grovelled to my friend and she begrudgingly forgave me but it was strained and forced and she eventually cut me out again pretty quickly.

At which point, I gave up.

I knew her so well and I knew she would never back down. It was really sad and I won't deny I was pissed off with her intractability as well as feeling very guilty that I had been so shit to someone who'd seen me through thick and thin in the past, but we were so close I knew her mind well enough to know there would never be any convincing her and I had to let it go for both our sakes.

If you were really that close to your friend then you should know what the outcome of this story is for you. We are a bunch of strangers on the internet who've never met your friend. We could say 'I don't blame her' or 'it's unfair', we could call her a cow or you a cow or whatever but it's not really the point.

The point is, how do you think she feels? Knowing her as you do, what is she thinking? Work that out and you will work out whether there is any way to "make this right" or if, for both your sakes, you need to let this go, grieve for a while, and start building new friendships.

Original poster

Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 12:42

I think she might miss me,she has no other friends.
I think she will be lonely.

OP posts:

mirialis · 16/08/2017 12:44

Just seen that she stole loads of money from you to fund her drug habit.

YOU WERE NEVER FRIENDS IN THE FIRST PLACE

Original poster

Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 12:47

I think she started taking the cannabis after her grandad died,her way of coping I guess.
She doesn't work so didn't have enough cash so she would owe the guy money ..then he started making threats so obviously I was worried,that's when she came to stay at my house and I noticed money going out of my purse.

OP posts:

mirialis · 16/08/2017 12:51

OP you explain her behaviour or your behaviour as if it somehow excuses it.

This is madness. I hope your new boyfriend is treating you well?

Loopytiles · 16/08/2017 12:51

Drip feeding. Not relevant.

Smellyoulateralligater · 16/08/2017 12:51

Youonlylive - I'm sorry that you are hurting over the loss of your friendship and it's ok to vent. But you really do have to accept, that for whatever reason she doesn't want to be in contact with you.

Accept it and move on. It's her decision and you have to accept it. You may have forgiven her criminal activity but that doesn't guarantee you a life Ling friendship with her.

Fwiw I can see why is easier to cut a friend out than a brother. As hard as it is, forget about her and her family. Don't send flowers and try not To let it eat you up

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 12:53

You sound unhinged.

Doesnt matter what she did. Or that you forgave her. She does not have an obligation to have you in her life.

Leave her alone and move on.

Original poster

Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 13:03

How is wanting my friend back in my life unhinged?

OP posts:

CosmicPineapple · 16/08/2017 13:16

Its your reluctance to accept the chpice she has made.

Regardless of all the things you have forgiven her for she has ended the friendship. Listen to her.

I know you feel aggrieved but you have to deal with it.
Choose better friendships and dont sleep with attached men.
Two life lessons for you.

Taylor22 · 16/08/2017 13:31

Can you articulate why you believe she has to forgive you AND be your friend again.

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 13:41

You sound unhinged because you don't listen to anything people say, that disagrees with you

Cant understand that actions have consequences.

Think she is lonely

Think you should send her flowers

Think that you forgiving her is an obligation

I would not be friends with my dbros bit on the side. My Sil (who i am not a fan of) is my nephews mother. I would not be friends with the woman who helped my brother shit all over her.

Its more complicated when its your brother. But not a friend. You made a decision that put her in a bad position. You dont want the consequences of it. Well, welcome to adult life. You sleep with an attached man, theres usually consequences.

You knew she would be really unhappy with her dbro and you. Your friendship didnt mean enough to you to walk away from him. You made your decision. She made hers. You both have to live with it.

Original poster

Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 13:46

You throw away a 14 year friendship over 1 mistake.
She's made plenty so she knows how easy it is to do it.
The fact she did actually forgive me and we went on as normal for a year.
If he hadn't of shooted his mouth off and blamed his sister for the mess then she probably wouldn't of taken the choice.
I know for a fact it isn't because of any loyalty towards the partner it's because she's terrified incase we start it up again,if she cuts me out,no chance of me and him bumping into each other.
I know the way she works...

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 16/08/2017 13:46

She did some really shit things to you OP, you're right. It still doesn't change the fact that you chose to forgive her, and she hasn't chosen to forgive you.
I like the previous comment "if you don't want to be called a duck, don't waddle about quacking."

You fucked up, learn from it and move on.

mirialis · 16/08/2017 13:51

You have all treated each other horribly. You all sound unhinged for thinking the way you behave is forgivable and forgettable.

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 13:53

Fucks sake.

I didnt say i would drop you out of loyalty to my sil. But because you shit on my nephews mother AND because i would not want to be in the middle if he gets drunk and confesses to sil.

I dont like my sil. I could not stand there and say 'yeah i did know bro and best friend had an affair. Yeah i am still mates with her.....cause you know bygones and all that.'

And the fact that you 2 might start up again, is even more reason. I would not be wanting to watch either of you to look for signs it was starting again.

You cant say it wont happen again. It should have happened last time. But it did. You knew it would upset her and make her life difficult. But you did it.

And saying 'well i have a partner now so it wont' makes you sound worse. Its ok to sleep with someones elses partner as long as you are single?

Tbh op nobody is this obtuse.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/08/2017 14:17

Yes she did shit things to you- without question you should have ended the friendship withered and then. But you forgave her then did a shit thing to her. She chose not to forgive you.

That's it really- you NEED to accept her decision and move on with your life.

Find some nice friends!

PerfectPenquins · 16/08/2017 14:58

What happens if this all comes out at some point?- and affairs often to sooner or later.
The sil finds out that your friend knew all along and didn't say anything, the one saving grace your friend may have then is the fact she dropped you out of her life.

This could all have serious consequences for your friend in her family they will have to support the brother and sil the best they can, the nephews world is blown apart thanks to two selfish adults and contact for your friend and her nephew could be limited thanks to her association with you. Why would you want her to risk that? As it stands its all a ticking time bomb anyway.

Silvercatowner · 16/08/2017 15:51

I know the way she works...

Honestly, this comes over as REALLY creepy and stalkerish. She's done what she's done, her choice. You have no say.

Taylor22 · 16/08/2017 15:55

In this instance the stealing and fraud don't matter. Completely irrelevant. Stop bringing it up.

You screwed up.
And I know it must be a horrible and bitter pill to swallow that he appears to have gotten away consequence free.

But you betrayed her. Why did you do it? Because you wanted to. That's why.
You chose him over her. You thought more of him than you did of her.

Well now she's made the same decision.

PNGirl · 16/08/2017 15:56

Look, I've been with my DH for 14 years and "1 mistake" i.e. a betrayal of trust like that would be a dealbreaker. Let alone a friend.

mirialis · 16/08/2017 15:56

To be fair to the OP she probably phrased it like that as I told her that when I friend dropped me I grovelled to get the friendship back but when it was clear it was over I gave up for both our sakes as we were so close I knew she would never change her mind and she should think about how her ex-friend would be feeling and what she would be thinking.

For OP's sake I think she should just leave it but they all sound so horrible they deserve each other and their drama - sadly there's a child involved who could get hurt if this blows up, though.

MadMags · 16/08/2017 16:00

So you know all of her reasons for doing it. That's HER CHOICE. SHE HAS MADE HER CHOICE.

This is infuriating!

Original poster

Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 16:08

What I meant was we know each other so well we both know how each other tick ..as would anybody after 14 years surely

OP posts:

Original poster

Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 16:08

He screwed up too but got away Scot free...as per

OP posts:

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