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Original poster

Our "affair"ruined our friendship ...

216 replies

Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:47

I know I'm probably going to be flammed but here goes...(name changed for obvious reasons)
I had a very good friend for over 14 years,we spoke daily and went on holidays together,text all the time,like sisters.
I had always been friendly with her brother and we started texting a lot (as friends) he had a girlfriend and a child.
Anyway this went on for a while,talking about normal things really our day etc,we spoke in secret as we knew my friend (his sister) would go mental.
We told each other we loved each other and we crossed a line we shouldn't have.
I felt awful and guilty and he did too and for the sake of his child kept away from each other.
He drunkenly told his sister he loved me and what had happened ...
It kicked off between me and her but we worked through it and agreed to put it all to bed and move on.
Me and him blocked each other's numbers etc and didn't speak.
Then 5 months later my friend told me he couldn't move on whilst I was in her life still and that was it..a 14 year friendship gone.
It's been 14 months since we've spoke (me and her) I miss her terribly.
We've seen each other twice and both times we've walked past each other.
Once we smiled.
She was like my sister ..
I know I did wrong but so did he...
Why did she totally remove me from her life?
Me and him had blocked each other,it was over,only the 3 of us knew what had gone on.

OP posts:
pieceofpurplesky · 15/08/2017 23:07

Did you actually have a physical affair or not?

Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 23:08

I honestly didn't think anything would ever come between us.
He had a son with partner and didn't want to be a part time dad and my friend wouldn't of liked us to date.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 23:09

Yeah it was physical.

OP posts:
steff13 · 15/08/2017 23:13

Why wouldn't she have liked it, though? It's really not her business.

RidingWindhorses · 15/08/2017 23:13

It's far from ideal. But I wouldn't punish my friend and not my brother.

I wouldn't be impressed with you, but if he can't keep his dick in his pants, that's not my problem.

MsLexicon · 15/08/2017 23:19

I don't understand this... if he was single and you were single... Is there something you are leaving out? Because the story makes no sense.

Obv. You should not have slept together, for some reason... but do not know why.

GlitterGlassEye · 15/08/2017 23:19

I commend your friend for cutting you out tbh. You had an affair with her brother despite him having a partner and a baby AND kept it secret. You're obviously not the person she thought she knew.

Also it's 'have' not 'of'.

RidingWindhorses · 15/08/2017 23:21

Neither is the brother for that matter. Or perhaps he was always a philanderer I don't know.

It's always good to see the Scarlett woman punished and the man getting off scot free.

Sprinklestar · 15/08/2017 23:21

How odd! Why was it her business?

ridingsixwhitehorses · 15/08/2017 23:25

This all sounds awful.

really is there anything at all to lose by sending her a note saying you miss her and understand why she did what she did but if there is any way to pick things up you would love that.

That way you have done all you can do and if no response then you know that it is what she really wants rather than being too embarrassed herself to try to patch things up.

Also grrr re him telling her. Can no one be trusted to keep a secret any more?!

Also isn;t your husband suspicious? Mine would notice if a close friendship like that just stopped.

StayCloseToMe · 15/08/2017 23:27

What how is it ok to sleep with someone else's partner when they have a child together, just because they aren't married?! If they are living together and might as well be married, they just aren't, does that make it ok??

Boggled.

CoughLaughFart · 15/08/2017 23:31

It's a horrible situation, but ultimately, if she couldn't move on from it and felt she had to cut one of you out, it was always going to be you. Your sibling is your sibling forever - to cut him out means severing an almost lifelong relationship and almost certainly causing a rift with her parents.

For those of you asking 'why is it the women who gets punished?', do you seriously think it would have been different if a male friend had had an affair with her sister?

kingfishergreen · 15/08/2017 23:38

I've been cheated on, and I've cheated.

When I cheated, it was because I fell desperately in love with someone else, and felt trapped in my life with my existing partner (we shared a home, worked in the same place, shared our friends, he'd left his home town to be with me, and I loved him dearly for a long time, but in the end I just felt trapped (I was very young)). And the person I cheated with felt like my soulmate, like nothing in the world could possibly compare to him.

I do understand that sometimes affairs aren't about getting one over on someone else, or having your cake and eating it, sometimes it's just a shitty thing that a, usually reasonable, person does.

I've also lost my best friend (unrelated), after 15 years of being like sisters, we haven't spoken for eight years. And it still hurts.

I can really empathise with how you're feeling. But you only really have one choice now, which is to put in your big girl pants, accept that you made a mess of things, and move on.

This doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a person who has made some shitty decisions.

And yes, it's unjust that you bear all the blame, and you are the only one being punished. But that's just how it goes, grab big girl pants and move on.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 15/08/2017 23:38

I'm not sure I understand why you didn't just date? He's not married, you loved him, he loved you, he wasn't married.

I don't understand this... if he was single and you were single... Is there something you are leaving out? Because the story makes no sense.

He had a partner and a child. Just because he wasn't married doesn't mean he was single.

hedgebitch · 15/08/2017 23:38

She told you why - that she didn't think he could move on while he knew his sister was spending time with you. She obviously felt she had to choose between you, and in her shoes I can't say I'd choose even the dearest friend over my own brother. It must hurt like hell and you need to grieve the end of the friendship, but you can't undo what's done. I'm sorry.

HopefullyAnonymous · 15/08/2017 23:41

Were you in love with her brother?

ILikeyourHairyHands · 16/08/2017 00:05

Too messy.

Really.

FreyaJade · 16/08/2017 00:43

I miss a friend who moved away.

It does get better gradually.

Cheating is never good but he was the one who wasn't single, not you. She should really judge him more harshly than she's judging you.

And you're right it doesn't make sense for her to dump you after a year of her still being friends.

Her loss.

user1494187262 · 16/08/2017 00:59

It was a difficult situation for your friend to be in.
She obviously cared more for her brother.

You were indespensible

ILikeyourHairyHands · 16/08/2017 01:27

You've posted before haven't you?

steff13 · 16/08/2017 06:05

He had a partner and a child. Just because he wasn't married doesn't mean he was single.

Yes, but he cheated on his girlfriend with the OP, and is apparently still pinning after her, since he can't seem to get over her. He doesn't seem particularly committed to his girlfriend; she'd probably be better off without him.

missmollyhadadolly · 16/08/2017 06:40

I agree with Bonkers, the brother isn't pining for OP, he's covering his cheating arse by getting his sister to break her friendship with you.

OP, you were very wrong to sleep with a man with a partner and baby. And his sister was always going to choose her family over a friendship.

It's galling that he appears to have got away with it. I hope his GF does take him for all he's worth.

Mandysmumbun · 16/08/2017 06:56

You've posted about this before haven't you? It was a shit thing you did to the dp and now you're paying for it.

And I'd always forgive my sibling over a friend.

Quartz2208 · 16/08/2017 07:17

Regardless of the in and outs of the cheating and both of you were at fault, the fall out was always going to involve a clean break between you. Forcing her to choose. Yes you were like a sister but he is her brother, she did not have a choice.

The one person who is not at fault is her she made the only decision she could but she is probably missing you and annoyed at both of you but what else could she do

BuzzKillington · 16/08/2017 07:18

You had an affair with a man who had a partner and a child.

I am not surprised his sister has cut you off, I would too.