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Original poster

Our "affair"ruined our friendship ...

216 replies

Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:47

I know I'm probably going to be flammed but here goes...(name changed for obvious reasons)
I had a very good friend for over 14 years,we spoke daily and went on holidays together,text all the time,like sisters.
I had always been friendly with her brother and we started texting a lot (as friends) he had a girlfriend and a child.
Anyway this went on for a while,talking about normal things really our day etc,we spoke in secret as we knew my friend (his sister) would go mental.
We told each other we loved each other and we crossed a line we shouldn't have.
I felt awful and guilty and he did too and for the sake of his child kept away from each other.
He drunkenly told his sister he loved me and what had happened ...
It kicked off between me and her but we worked through it and agreed to put it all to bed and move on.
Me and him blocked each other's numbers etc and didn't speak.
Then 5 months later my friend told me he couldn't move on whilst I was in her life still and that was it..a 14 year friendship gone.
It's been 14 months since we've spoke (me and her) I miss her terribly.
We've seen each other twice and both times we've walked past each other.
Once we smiled.
She was like my sister ..
I know I did wrong but so did he...
Why did she totally remove me from her life?
Me and him had blocked each other,it was over,only the 3 of us knew what had gone on.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 16/08/2017 09:40

NO! Leave her alone! Leave her family alone YOU have caused enough damage! Just have some dignity and fade away.
Seriously it doesn't matter what transgressions she has committed previously you did a disgusting thing. And yes so did he, but of course she chose him. She loves him and has a lifetime of history with him. I'd do the same as her.

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 09:43

Ffs she has told you she wants no contact.

Leave her alone.

MrsJamesAspey · 16/08/2017 09:43

You say you've seen each other and not spoken, why don't you talk to her when you next see her? Just a hi how are you? And then see how it goes. She probably won't speak to you first as it would look like she's backing down.

I had a best friend fall out with me because I started seeing her boyfriends brother, we were both single but she wanted to keep her life with her bf and my friendship separate or some such other crap

Miserylovescompany2 · 16/08/2017 09:45

As the saying goes - don't shit on your own doorstep! (Or that of your friends)

You made a very poor choice and lost a once friend. Learn from this and move forward...

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/08/2017 09:46

If it had been my brother I'd have told him 'Tough. Deal with it - you're an adult who made some stupid decisions, own them, I'm not losing a good friend because of your stupidity'.

However, I'm not sure I'd still be friends with you, not because of the affair, but because of you lying to me about it.

Her relationship with you was different than her relationship with her brother. I trust my best friend (to keep my personal thoughts & feelings I share with her between us etc & that she's being honest with me, not hiding things) trust doesn't come into it with my brother because I don't share those things with him. So your betrayal of her trust is entirely different to her brother making stupid decisions.

RidingWindhorses · 16/08/2017 09:48

I don't buy the story that he can't move on if she's still in touch with you. He's just afraid the truth will come out and he's asked her to ditch you to cover himself.

We don't know if you were his only affair. And he may well have blamed you to justify himself to his sister.

Notreallyarsed · 16/08/2017 09:51

Don't send flowers for her birthday, she's told you she wants no contact and you have to respect her wishes.

Pretty much all of what you write is about how you feel, what you want, what you need. You have no understanding of how you betrayed your friend (by lying to her), you had an affair with a man who had a family and a partner, and expected everything to be fine. That shows a staggering lack of awareness of the implications of your actions.

No of course he shouldn't be living the life of Riley because he's as culpable as you in this situation, but you seem to think you've done nothing wrong, and that just isn't the case.

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 09:56

He wasn't married no.
Confused

I wasn't in a relationship no.
Confused

and this was an affair, because?

Notreallyarsed · 16/08/2017 09:57

TeamCersei because he has a partner and a child? DP and I aren't married, but I wouldn't have sex/EA with anyone, and if he did it would be over. Just because you're not married doesn't mean it's not a committed relationship.

Taylor22 · 16/08/2017 10:01

Good point.
This whole thread has been about your pity party.

Anytime someone tries to mention her feelings you just go right back to slagging her off for her past and what about meeeeeeee.

mirialis · 16/08/2017 10:11

If you guys are turning 30, then it's time to lift your chin up, learn that you cannot deceive your best friend like this, you cannot have an affair and there be no consequences (your friend and her brother's relationship will never really be the same again either), face the new decade with positivity. It was a horrible and heartbreaking lesson to learn, but it's done now.

I suppose you could send her a little birthday note just saying "I wish you lots of love and happiness for the next decade" or something very short and simple and leave it at that (I'm sure others will disagree with that idea though)... and then.... LET GO. Unfollow her fb page, don't look at it anymore and let her be. You fucked up. You've paid a horrible price. Time for a fresh start.

CoughLaughFart · 16/08/2017 10:31

It's her 30th next week..shall I send flowers? I won't put on its from me,I just want to do something.

Oh, you'll do something. You'll convince her she has a stalker.

I understand why you miss your friend, but this is crossing the line.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 10:40

There's thing I won't say on here because it's pointless but she's done far worse than me but I turned a blind eye.
I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but the things she's done I personally think many people won't forgive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 10:41

I forgave each one because she said how sorry she was.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 10:50

You dont want to get it. Its not that you dont.

She probably has forgiven you. But the consequences of your decision to have an affair with her brother, are that its too difficult for her to have a relationship with you.

Even if her brother hadnt have said what he did. YOU out her in a shit position (him as well). There are consequences and these are them.

Buxtonstill · 16/08/2017 10:51

You really need to move on. Don't go sending her flowers; she will probably guess they are from you, and you know that too. Respect her wishes and move on. Let her have her 30th birthday without trying to leave your mark on it.

goldensyrupisshit · 16/08/2017 11:00

Move on and leave her alone she's made it clear. Friendships come and go.

Notreallyarsed · 16/08/2017 11:14

It's not about you, about what you want/think/feel/need. Whether she's done worse or not is irrelevant.

You made your choices, now you have to respect hers.

Loopytiles · 16/08/2017 11:15

Stop bitching about your friend's past actions and take responsibility for your own. So what if you forgave her for "worse" (in your opinion)? She hasn't forgiven you and ended the friendship, and given what you did MN posters understand her decision. You should respect it, learn from it and move on.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 11:41

I have taken responsibility but I think she wasn't in the position to take the moral high ground given her history.
If I could put things she's done wrong then she should have shown me the same.

OP posts:
CosmicPineapple · 16/08/2017 11:41

It was your choice to forgive her for past wrongs.
Its her choice not to forgive you.

Stop stamping your feet OP.

You chose to have an affair these are the consequences. You need to accept your friend has ended the friendship.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 11:41

I don't think 14 year friendships do come and go tbh

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 16/08/2017 11:43

She's not taken any moral high ground. She doesn't want you in her life. That's her choice!
She doesn't have to justify it.

Notreallyarsed · 16/08/2017 11:44

Are you seriously talking about moral high ground after what you and the brother have done? Fuck me you're unreal!

She hasn't taken the moral high ground, she's told you she doesn't want to be friends any more. I'm struggling to see why you can't understand this? Whatever has or hasn't happened in the past is not relevant.
She has made her position perfectly clear, and you will not respect her decision.

twinklestar2 · 16/08/2017 11:50

I fell out with a friend about 15 years ago over something silly. But it really really hurt! We were so close, we were like sisters. We had so many in jokes and things that no one else would understand. it was like a death!

But time heals.
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