Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our "affair"ruined our friendship ...

216 replies

Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:47

I know I'm probably going to be flammed but here goes...(name changed for obvious reasons)
I had a very good friend for over 14 years,we spoke daily and went on holidays together,text all the time,like sisters.
I had always been friendly with her brother and we started texting a lot (as friends) he had a girlfriend and a child.
Anyway this went on for a while,talking about normal things really our day etc,we spoke in secret as we knew my friend (his sister) would go mental.
We told each other we loved each other and we crossed a line we shouldn't have.
I felt awful and guilty and he did too and for the sake of his child kept away from each other.
He drunkenly told his sister he loved me and what had happened ...
It kicked off between me and her but we worked through it and agreed to put it all to bed and move on.
Me and him blocked each other's numbers etc and didn't speak.
Then 5 months later my friend told me he couldn't move on whilst I was in her life still and that was it..a 14 year friendship gone.
It's been 14 months since we've spoke (me and her) I miss her terribly.
We've seen each other twice and both times we've walked past each other.
Once we smiled.
She was like my sister ..
I know I did wrong but so did he...
Why did she totally remove me from her life?
Me and him had blocked each other,it was over,only the 3 of us knew what had gone on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 09:01

She said she thought we were idiots and said if he wasn't happy she didn't know why he didn't just leave.
So I do think she had forgave me

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 09:02

I'm sorry but I have been a very good friend to her,many times over.
I did a stupid thing but I have been a good friend

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 16/08/2017 09:02

Doesn't matter what he did: he's her BROTHER!

caffeinestream · 16/08/2017 09:04

But OP - he's her brother!

I don't think is necessarily about trust - it's bloody hard to cut contact with one family member! She'll be causing problems for her entire family if she does that. No more family gatherings, a poor relationship with her nephew and issues with her parents because their children aren't speaking - she's not going to do that.

ChasedByBees · 16/08/2017 09:05

Her brother is her family and possibly more importantly, his child is her family. Your actions could have torn apart the family of her DN.

Whilst you may not have done this to hurt your friend, it did. And you could have foreseen that and not fallen in love wth him. You had a choice. Her brother is still her brother and her access to her DN, it's obvious she won't cut him out even if she's unimpressed with him.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/08/2017 09:07

But she can trust him again?
And continue as normal with him?
That's not fair

You sound about 12.

99.99% of the population would understand why she's put her brother before a friend.
You can't get your head around it despite most people on here saying the same thing.

To put it simply..

1 She can not trust you, ever again
2 The fact she is still friends with her brother, has got absolutely nothing to do with you

You really need to accept these two things, learn from them, )don't lie to your friends, don't have affairs) and get on with your life.

ChasedByBees · 16/08/2017 09:08

I did a stupid thing but I have been a good friend

But this one stupid thing is a pretty huge stupid thing and she's decided all the good friend things you've ever done can't counteract it.

I would agree with her. It wasn't just stupid, it showed no regard for her family and could have caused immense pain to her SIL and her DN.

mirialis · 16/08/2017 09:08

Sorry OP, I would probably also do what your friend did for the sake of her brother and nephew.

That said, though you did a very shitty thing you have also been treated harshly. You are allowed to feel aggrieved that you seem to be bearing all the punishment whilst the person who was even more badly behaved than you gets away with it.

CoughLaughFart · 16/08/2017 09:12

I'm not asking her to cut him off,but if she could move on with him,nothing was stopping her with me.

Except the fact that she still feels guilty and stuck in the middle. She's probably furious with him - but siding with you would open up a world of problems with her family.

No, it isn't 'fair' - but life isn't.

Roomster101 · 16/08/2017 09:16

I'm sorry this has happened. I think that your friend has been really unfair to you. I don't see why you couldn't have remained friends while still avoiding her brother. Unfortunately though if you get involved with a friend's family, this can happen. A close friendship of mine years ago was ruined because I had a short relationship with her husband's brother (not affair) and we split up fairly acrimoniously.

OhhBetty · 16/08/2017 09:18

When my ex cheated on me his brother (and all his family in fact) supported myself and my son as that's what they felt they wanted to do. Maybe she feels the same.

Notreallyarsed · 16/08/2017 09:18

I don't see why the fact he's not married to his partner is relevant. He is in a relationship and has a child, rings don't change that.

OP the bottom line is, it's her decision. You need to find a way to move past this, because she's made her choice, and whether you agree with it or not, you have to respect her decision.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 09:18

Do you think I lost a friendship and he didn't even love me?
If it was real I can accept it but the thought that it was all a waste of time makes it hard to take.

OP posts:
AmateurSwami · 16/08/2017 09:20

my friend told me he couldn't move on whilst I was in her life still and that was it

You've answered your own question.

You live and learn.

AmateurSwami · 16/08/2017 09:22

Also you hid it from your friend because she'd "go mental". So you knew you were in the wrong.

CosmicPineapple · 16/08/2017 09:25

Do you think I lost a friendship and he didn't even love me?

He didnt end his relationship to be with you so how much did he love you really?

Notreallyarsed · 16/08/2017 09:26

I think he realised that losing his family (partner and son) wasn't worth it. I think you're making this bigger than it is, or needs to be.
Take it as a life lesson and move on.

Olympiathequeen · 16/08/2017 09:26

She's chosen her brother over you and there's not a lot you can do about it. I'm sure he has said to her that if you stay friends with her he may be conflicted in his relationship so it is better for the stability of his family that you are out of both their lives. He clearly didn't 'love' you enough to leave his partner and no doubt feels guilty about his fling, therefore you being out of sight is out of mind too.

I personally feel little sympathy for you as you knew he was in a relationship and fairness has nothing to do with it. He behaved just as badly as you but blood is thicker than water in this case.

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 09:28

If he loved you, why isnt he with you?

And dont say for his child. He can be a dad and not be with the mother.

If he loved you he would not have let you be the other woman. He would have left her.

He wouldnt have risked your friendship.

He is your friends brother. He is her nehews father. She has picked hee brother and nephew over you. You saying it wont happen again, means nothing.

You both put her in the middle. She had to pick sides. You lost.

InfiniteSheldon · 16/08/2017 09:29

Married/partnered men always win in this situation the OW which sadly you are (not were as it doesn't go away) always always has the most to lose. It's not fair but it is what it is place a higher value on yourself than he did and accept the friendship is list. Sadly it's a price you have to pay for falling for a married man.

Loopytiles · 16/08/2017 09:33

Perhaps he did love you, perhaps he didn't. It still wasn't worth the price you paid, was it.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 09:34

Think I have to just forget about her now then as we will never be friends again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 09:35

No it deffo wasn't worth it..
The fact I'm over him and can't stop thinking about my friend shows the friendship meant more to me..just took loosing it to realise it(if that makes sense )

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 09:36

It's her 30th next week..shall I send flowers? I won't put on its from me,I just want to do something.

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 16/08/2017 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.