Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our "affair"ruined our friendship ...

216 replies

Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:47

I know I'm probably going to be flammed but here goes...(name changed for obvious reasons)
I had a very good friend for over 14 years,we spoke daily and went on holidays together,text all the time,like sisters.
I had always been friendly with her brother and we started texting a lot (as friends) he had a girlfriend and a child.
Anyway this went on for a while,talking about normal things really our day etc,we spoke in secret as we knew my friend (his sister) would go mental.
We told each other we loved each other and we crossed a line we shouldn't have.
I felt awful and guilty and he did too and for the sake of his child kept away from each other.
He drunkenly told his sister he loved me and what had happened ...
It kicked off between me and her but we worked through it and agreed to put it all to bed and move on.
Me and him blocked each other's numbers etc and didn't speak.
Then 5 months later my friend told me he couldn't move on whilst I was in her life still and that was it..a 14 year friendship gone.
It's been 14 months since we've spoke (me and her) I miss her terribly.
We've seen each other twice and both times we've walked past each other.
Once we smiled.
She was like my sister ..
I know I did wrong but so did he...
Why did she totally remove me from her life?
Me and him had blocked each other,it was over,only the 3 of us knew what had gone on.

OP posts:
mirialis · 16/08/2017 16:14

OP - this should really be:

I was really horrible to my friend with her horrible brother, but she was really horrible to me too so I'm really pissed off she's picked her horrible brother over me.

Picking me would potentially compromise well-being of innocent child. Picking him hurts me. I think she should pick me.

AIBU?

Well, really, cannot you not see the answer?

stitchglitched · 16/08/2017 16:21

Why do you keep saying that you forgave her so she should forgive you? She did forgive you. She was then put in a position where she had to make a choice- her brother or her friend. She chose her brother which is perfectly reasonable. It doesn't mean she is a hypocrite, or treating you as a 'scarlet woman', just that having you in her life was no longer conducive to a good relationship with her brother and his family unit. Respect her wishes and move on.

Silvercatowner · 16/08/2017 16:24

He screwed up too but got away Scot free...as per

It isn't aa competition.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 16:30

Being friends with me wouldn't have affected him.
It's not like we were going to bump into each other.
It wouldn't of affected him in the slightest

OP posts:
mirialis · 16/08/2017 16:33

You've said yourself she doesn't trust it not to crop up again. She has repeatedly stolen from you and both you and her brother have repeatedly lied to her.

Wonder why there's not enough trust to maintain a friendship with you in these circumstances????

Baffling.

MadMags · 16/08/2017 16:35

I'll bet she stopped being friends with you because you're completely batshit!

It's not about getting away with it, ffs. She is not obliged to be friends with you.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 16:36

She forgave me for me and her brother situation then randomly a year later stopped speaking ..just like that
It made no sense

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 16/08/2017 16:40

Because she may have forgiven but she can't forget. And she can not trust you not to betray her like that again.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 16:45

She's clearly forgot her brothers part in it!

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 16:48

She didnt forget her brothers part.

He is her brother. You arent her sister.

If you cant see the difference, theres no helping you

mirialis · 16/08/2017 16:52

FFS - as explained to you many times, you are not her sibling.

I was shitty to my best friend and my sister. My sister forgave me and we moved on, my best friend tried to do the same but ultimately couldn't.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 16:59

Sibling or no sibling
That means nothing ...
Just because your related it's ok to do what you want because you will be forgiven?

OP posts:
mirialis · 16/08/2017 17:00

Yep, as the pp wisely says, there's no helping you.

goldensyrupisshit · 16/08/2017 17:11

Do you have siblings ?? Put yourself in your ex friends shoes ffs he is her brother someone who will always be in her life be it willingly or simply family functions. You need to move on it's as simple as that and leave her be.

Taylor22 · 16/08/2017 17:14

I'm sorry but I disagree. Blood matters to a lot of people.
I would forgive my sister for a hell of a lot more things than anyone else.

You may have been like sisters but you weren't. You didn't sit in the bath with her when you were small. You didn't run down the stairs together at Christmas. You don't have the Bond that comes with growing up together and dealing with the shit that parents throw at you at times. You were her friend. That's over. He will always be her brother. He has given her a nephew. She must adore that baby. If she loses him she could lose that baby.
You have very grand ideas about yourself. And I'm sorry but how you've presented yourself here does not live up to that.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 16/08/2017 17:18

While I can see why ypur friend wad upset I do feel for u. I would send her a message and say u understand why she did what she has done but that u miss her and could u guys meet up for a drink and chat?

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 17:18

Actually to the majority of people blood does mean something.

Especially since her nephew is involved.

The issue here is that you think your 'like a sister' situation, put your relationship on a level pegging of the one she has with her brother AND her nephew.

It doesnt. She has shown you that its not the same. She has picked her brither nephew over you.

Blood does mean more to her.

I wouldnt like what my brother had done. I wouldnt cut him or his children out of my life.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 17:29

My point is why cut anyone out?
Me and her being friends didn't and wouldn't affect her relationship with him or nephew.
We had cut contact and wouldn't be around each other so what difference does it make?
That's what I'm trying to say

OP posts:
PantPlot · 16/08/2017 17:34

Well you can ponder the ifs and whys and why nots all day long, but it'll get you nowhere.

What you need to work on is getting over it and moving on.

Sallystyle · 16/08/2017 17:38

She doesn't sound much of a friend if she stole from you. But you're grieving the loss of your friendship and I feel for you Thanks

My guess is that they are worried your affair will come out and brother is covering his arse. You sound angry and hurt which is just a normal part of any grieving process. Things will get easier but you need to work on accepting this friendship is over Thanks

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 17:39

You friendship could impact her relationship with her nephew if sil finds out what happened and the realises you 2 are still 'like sisters'.

Of course it will.

Sallystyle · 16/08/2017 17:41

BTW I lost my best friend who was also my SIL when she cheated on my brother.

I grieved that friendship for a long time. I still miss her but it does get easier.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 18:04

They say time heals ..do you think any going back now,in maybe years to come,or too much water under the bridge?

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 18:10

She isnt healing. She was friends with you after.

She made a decision.

WinchestersInATardis · 16/08/2017 18:16

She didn't know about the affair. He told her about it. That means someone she considered a close friend lied to her face for how long was it? Months? about something that would affect both her own brother and her DN deeply.
I'm always astounded how people can go through with the incredible deceit that an affair requires and then be so surprised when the deceived party/ies feel their relationship is unalterably changed afterwards.