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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our "affair"ruined our friendship ...

216 replies

Youonlylive · 15/08/2017 21:47

I know I'm probably going to be flammed but here goes...(name changed for obvious reasons)
I had a very good friend for over 14 years,we spoke daily and went on holidays together,text all the time,like sisters.
I had always been friendly with her brother and we started texting a lot (as friends) he had a girlfriend and a child.
Anyway this went on for a while,talking about normal things really our day etc,we spoke in secret as we knew my friend (his sister) would go mental.
We told each other we loved each other and we crossed a line we shouldn't have.
I felt awful and guilty and he did too and for the sake of his child kept away from each other.
He drunkenly told his sister he loved me and what had happened ...
It kicked off between me and her but we worked through it and agreed to put it all to bed and move on.
Me and him blocked each other's numbers etc and didn't speak.
Then 5 months later my friend told me he couldn't move on whilst I was in her life still and that was it..a 14 year friendship gone.
It's been 14 months since we've spoke (me and her) I miss her terribly.
We've seen each other twice and both times we've walked past each other.
Once we smiled.
She was like my sister ..
I know I did wrong but so did he...
Why did she totally remove me from her life?
Me and him had blocked each other,it was over,only the 3 of us knew what had gone on.

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 16/08/2017 07:35

The man with the child who had an an affair behind his partners back should be treated just as harshly (if not more so).

Yes, what OP did was wrong, but she's not the one who had an outgoing affair behind her partners back when there was a child involved!

If what she did was shit, then what he did was ten times worse.

NeonFlower · 16/08/2017 07:47

She didn't cut you off because of her feelings, which she had come to terms with in that year. She cut you off because her brother said he could not move forward without her doing so - so she had to choose between the two of you, and in those circumstances she had to choose her brother. I am willing to bet she feels bereaved too. Also, by not seeing you, she may feel less burdened by knowledge if the affair. Use it as an opportunity to live and learn. Be kind to your friend in your mind, don't grow bitter, and be kind to yourself - what do you need and want to move forward in your own life?

strawberrisc · 16/08/2017 07:51

Do you miss HIM?

TheNaze73 · 16/08/2017 08:01

I do understand her loyalty to her brother.
Don't be so hard on yourself though, he was the one in a relationship at the time, not you.
Think this is one to bury & move on

CosmicPineapple · 16/08/2017 08:01

Blood is thicker than water OP....or so the saying goes.

You did not care about your friendship when you started the affair. Her brothers confession showed her that her best friend lied to her and would have continued to had he not admitted it.

It is easier to cut you off than her own brother as there will be too many family ties. His behaviour is as shitty as yours dont get me wrong but he is her family.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 08:05

I did love him yes,I did miss him but I'm ok now,I've moved on and met a really nice man and in a good place.
Looking back me and him would never have worked,too much baggage and drama.
I miss my friend ridiculous amounts still,that won't heal.
He didn't tell her to stop being friends he just used to talk about me to her and she didn't like it.
She hated me commenting on her Facebook incase he seen my name so she deleted me (whilst still friends).
We literally spoke daily for hours.
She has in the past did dodgy things to me and I forgave her,this was never about her.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/08/2017 08:06

That's really not fair. You did the right thing blocking each other and trying to move on.

Hmm the right thing would not be having the affair in the first place.

One of my friends was dating my brother for a few months and I didn't care.

What even if your brother was cheating on his partner?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2017 08:07

She didn't have a choice. You will make new friends. You're going through the grieving process right now.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 16/08/2017 08:08

You lied to your friend for a long time. You were having an affair and you kept it a secret and lied again and again to her.
She will be thinking of all those times you were sharing "in jokes" and behaving "like sisters" and she will think it was all a sham.

Why would she want to be your friend after all of that? Confused. She can never trust you again. and she sounds a lovely person, she spent a year trying to get her head around this situation and kept up the friendship. But she then realised she could never trust you again.

caffeinestream · 16/08/2017 08:09

It's a lot easier to cut contact with a friend than your own family. Friendship rarely wins in situations like this, unfortunately.

You messed up, he messed up. She picked her brother presumably to make family life easier and so she could still see her nephew and go to family gatherings without it being too awkward.

CosmicPineapple · 16/08/2017 08:11

She has in the past did dodgy things to me and I forgave her,this was never about her.

Exactly. You gave no thought to your 14 year friendship when you began an affair with her attached brother.

Unless she also slept with an attached family member or boyfriend of yours there is little comparison.
Your actions and that of her brother mean she has to keep a dirty secret from his partner and mother of her niece/nephew. That cannot be easy for her.
You remind her of the secret she is keeping. Easier to cut you off as it will make her feel less guilty.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 08:15

She isn't a saint either but I've let a lot of things go and forgave her which I do think are worse than what I did because I valued our friendship.
If I hadn't of loved him I wouldn't of did any of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 08:16

But she can trust him again?
And continue as normal with him?
That's not fair

OP posts:
Buthewasstillhungry · 16/08/2017 08:16

This kind of complicated set up and following your feelings. At the point you embarked on this with this guy you stared choosing him over your dear friend.

CosmicPineapple · 16/08/2017 08:21

But she can trust him again?
And continue as normal with him?
That's not fair

Ok you need to grow up.

He is her brother and that is I am afraid going to trump your friendship.
They have family ties your friendship didnt.
If she cuts him off family and his partner will question why.
There is a child involved in all this.

I doubt she does trust him but in her eyes you betrayed her more.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 08:42

I don't think he is more trustworthy than me ..
But it is her decision if she doesn't want me around,so I have to accept it I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 08:43

I'm not asking her to cut him off,but if she could move on with him,nothing was stopping her with me.

OP posts:
temporarilycross · 16/08/2017 08:47

I would have done the same thing as your friend I'm afraid. It hurts to lose a friend, but these are the consequences of your actions.
He's her brother - she has to move on with him for the sake of their entire family. Yes, you have to accept her decision not to be your friend - you lied to her and she doesn't feel that she can trust you.

CosmicPineapple · 16/08/2017 08:47

I'm not asking her to cut him off,but if she could move on with him,nothing was stopping her with me.

You are missing a huge factor.
He is family you are not.

Your friendship may have been 14 years and you were like sisters/family but when it comes down to it you were just friends.

You need to accept her decision and move on. Make better choices in the future OP and try not to get involved with cheating men. His actions are worse than yours but you can only control your own.

Gorgosparta · 16/08/2017 08:51

Because having you in her life complicates her relationship with her brother and nephew.

Imagine if this comes out. Imagine the thread

'I just found out that my dp and father of my child had an affair. With my sils best friend. Sil found out years ago and no one told me. On top of this sil is still best friends with her and so dp still has contact with OW.'

She is priortising her family. Not you. If you expected her to priortise you, you were kidding yourself.

Original poster
Youonlylive · 16/08/2017 08:53

I think she thinks if she continues being my friend,there's a chance me and him might start it up again (I really wouldn't ) but when I told her that she didn't believe me.
I honestly think what I did after it happened did help her understand how much I loved her.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 16/08/2017 08:54

I don't understand what there is to not understand. She told you why she cut you off and it makes perfect sense to me. He needs to move on and can't if you're in his life via his sister/your friend. She wants to help him not make things worse so she agreed. There may also be some judgment in there about you having there affair, but there may not. She could well, as she said, simply be doing it for him and that's entirely understandable. It tough for you, but not as tough as it would be if she carried on seeing you and risked breaking up her nephew's home.

pinkdelight · 16/08/2017 08:57

x-post - "I think she thinks if she continues being my friend,there's a chance me and him might start it up again (I really wouldn't ) but when I told her that she didn't believe me."

I think she thinks that too and can see why she wouldn't believe you. There's bound to be a trust issue now and it's not worth the risk.

MargaretTwatyer · 16/08/2017 09:01

You've not really been a good friend to her have you OP? A real friend wouldn't have put her in this position in the first place. Her niece/nephew's welfare will always come before you so if your presence is causing ructions in their home you will go. And considering you have not been a very good friend to her you will have made that decision easy.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/08/2017 09:01

Actions have consequences. You did something dodgy, this is the result. You have no one to blame but yourself.

Learn from this, move on. It's hard to lose people from your life but this is all your own creation.

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