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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

213 replies

joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:11

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 14/08/2017 05:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VulvalHeadMistress · 14/08/2017 05:15

This reply has been deleted

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Rhubarbginisnotasin · 14/08/2017 05:18

What a sad time for all of you. Flowers

Is it strange to not want a wake? No, its not, and when my mum died me, my step dad, his sister, and my friend just went home for a cup of tea and a sit in the garden afterwards. It was really nice.

Original poster
joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:21

Euphemia - by "wake" I mean somewhere to go afterwards (either FIL's house or another location) for some food and drink. We are only inviting close family and friends to the funeral anyway, so I can't imagine there will be more than 20-25 people attending. Most are local so won't have travelled far to get there.

I want to respect what FIL wants, but I kind of think it might be weird to not have a "do" afterwards. Confused

OP posts:
Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 14/08/2017 05:23

Well I suppose it is ultimately up to him, however I do think a wake is expected. It's a place for mourners to gather and reminisce about the deceased. It's also nice to provide some refreshments if people have travelled a fair distance to attend.

There really isn't much you can do though if he's adamant he doesn't want it and believes he's honouring your MIL's wishes.

Sorry for your loss.

JoyceDivision · 14/08/2017 05:24

Not weird, he has suggested a meal forclose family, he isn't wanting the social /meet n greet / shake n fake adpect that some people associate wakes,especially if it involves alchohol it can turn into a boozy sob fest / knees up.

It could be announced by priest / person conducting service that FIL has requested to spend private time with his immediate family after the service, and would likecto thank you all for coming so it'sclear there is no wake.

Flowers foryour loss

Isetan · 14/08/2017 05:24

What's weird is thinking that keeping up appearances is more important than what FIL wants and what MIL wanted. What is so difficult in accepting his wish?

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 14/08/2017 05:26

Just seen your update, if mourners are fairly local then it's no going to cause too much hassle just to go straight home.

If we hadn't provided refreshments at our last family funeral it would have meant people needing to go buy them, also to find toilets etc ( non in church) before embarking on 3 or so hours of travel.

DalekHaven · 14/08/2017 05:26

I'm assuming FIL knows MIL best and thus if that's her wish it should be respected. My grandma hates the colour black and has repeatedly said she doesn't want everyone wearing that and being sad at her funeral. Think she'd be enraged if people ignored that in favour of conventions.

JoyceDivision · 14/08/2017 05:27

Plus when my dad died recently he had said he didn't want a wake, wearranged it anywaybut I barely spoke to anyone, it was a social gathering we might as well not have been at, so many people didn't bother tocome and speak to us, so I get yourFIL!

Original poster
joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:28

Joycedivision - yes, it's exactly the shake and fake that he wants to avoid! He's struggling massively with his emotions atm and he's a very private man, so I can totally understand his reasons for not wanting to have to see people after burying his wife.

Isetan - I am accepting his wish and am happy with the idea of having a small meal for just us afterwards, but not sure how to explain this to other extended family members that might be expecting a wake/piss up.

OP posts:
Original poster
joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:31

Also, FIL and MIL lost their DS in a road accident many years ago, and FIL told me that he hated having people back at the house laughing and joking when he'd just buried his son. He said it felt wrong and just upset him even more.

OP posts:
kmc1111 · 14/08/2017 05:32

IME not weird at all when it's a small funeral and attendee's are local.

If lot's of people are travelling hours and won't be able to see each other again for ages, then it's polite to do some sort of wake even if you don't particularly want to. But if it's a small group and they can easily catch up some other time to talk about the deceased if they want to, then it's not necessary.

Definitely include something at the end about how FIL and immediate family will be going home straight afterwards though, so you don't get questions.

JoyceDivision · 14/08/2017 05:36

It may be worth considering a drive to a further away place for a meal or even to just walk somewhere quiet after the service, eg countryside / national trust type of place that won't be busy, rather than go home where people maydecide to try calling in on you anywayx

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 14/08/2017 05:40

You should respect your FiL's wishes. The time immediately after a funeral is very highly charged, and even more so if it's bringing back painful memories of his son's death.

Let him mourn in the way that he wants to, not the way you think he should. As a pp has said, for those not directly and closely connected to the deceased, a wake tends to be quite a jolly social occasion, and it can be very painful to watch.

IF there are even a few people who have travelled, or who you think would be put out that there was no wake (though shame on them if they do) you can arrange something with outside caterers for those people to attend, while you and DH go home to provide comfort to FiL.

BillBrysonsBeard · 14/08/2017 05:44

Not weird at all... it's what he wants. My dad wanted no service, no wake, no one else there apart from his wife, kids and grandkids. Just literally sit at the crematorium listening to some songs and having a cry. It was lovely to not have all the faff so we'll do the same for mum when she dies.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2017 05:54

It is ultimately his decision. The other possibility would be to organise buffet food in a local pub, which he does not attend. What does your fil want to do? Where does he want to go after the event? If he doesn't have a wake, will he be followed home by some extended family members? Just a thought that if you have a wake away from your fil, perhaps it would prevent him being hounded straight after the event. You'd then have to explain to them that he is not accepting visitors on the day and they are all welcome to go to x place afterwards.

OnTheRise · 14/08/2017 06:17

It's what he wants. It's what his late wife would have wanted. There's not a problem with it at all.

Are you sure he's ok with the meal after, and isn't just agreeing to it because he's been told that he has to have something?

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 06:22

Its easy to explain 'fil doesnt want a wake'

user1480334601 · 14/08/2017 06:24

Your FIL has just lost his wife and does not want a wake. Please don't push him to have one or even a meal out if he would rather not. It doesn't matter what people "expect" or whether it's "weird" or not.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

IClavdivs · 14/08/2017 06:28

My mum confessed to me years after my dad's funeral that she would have given anything not to have had a wake after it. She did have one because it was custom, and when she demurred about just having immediate family (my brothers and SiL) my expert-at-everything SIL was adamant that it would be good for her. Mum, however, found it soul destroying. She already had plenty of support from both sides of the family as her sisters both lived lived within five minutes, and dad's sister about 15 mins away, and the wake just sort of formalised the whole death, and brought home with a giant hit that she was now a widow at the age of 52. I was nineteen at the time, and I still shudder when I recall it.

However, it was not a case of people travelling any distance to attend the funeral.

Anyway, I suppose the whole situation is just horses for courses. But I do know that nobody in my extended family ever after had a big wake after that.

Imissmyboy · 14/08/2017 06:37

Please respect you FIL wishes. Meal with close family if that's what he wants. There is nothing to stop the other mourners raising a glass to her in a local pub if that's what they want to do.
When my FIL died a couple of years ago, we didn't have a wake, just family back at the house for a cup of tea. Was perfect in my opinion.
Sorry for your loss x

lidoshuffle · 14/08/2017 06:37

When my mum died my dad didn't want anything, just to be with my brother and me. Likewise, when he died, my brother and I didn't organise anything. We're not a family of party people and I personally can't think of anything worse than having to circulate and make small talk at such a time. We had bigger things occupying us than what what the neighbours might be expecting.

gamerwidow · 14/08/2017 06:42

Your fil wishes are more important than those who might be put out by no wake. Just tell people up front there is no wake because FIL doesn't want one. If anyone objects they are an arse.

doomf · 14/08/2017 06:46

A wake is before a funeral Confused and a purvey is after it, where i come from.

Let FIL organise what he wants. Perhaps he's not up to it?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

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