Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

213 replies

joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:11

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 08:13

You need to offer food and drink to people especially since many of them will he travelling

No you dont. The family is grieving. They dont have to do anything. There should be no social expectations put on anyone whose wife has just died.

If you actually read the thread, no one is travelling far.

If people want something to eat they can find someone on their way home.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 14/08/2017 08:21

If people know in advance, they can plan round it. If your FIL doesn't wnt a wake, then his needs come first.

PandorasXbox · 14/08/2017 08:29

Who cares if people think it's odd. The man doesn't want a wake that's it. He gets to call the shots here. Poor man has suffered greatly over the years. A meal with just close family sounds perfectly fine.

Original poster
joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 08:29

I just want to stress, I am in no way suggesting that I would force FIL into a wake if that's not what he wants. All I wanted was to see is whether this is something that is deemed "acceptable" so I can prepare myself for any outside family members telling me that we must have a wake or being angry about there not being one, just so I know how to deal with that. His wife died in very distressing circumstances, and I get the impression that a lot of family are desperate for the gory details, which is why he doesn't want to see anyone that's not close to him (which is only really a small handful of people).

There is no dilemma here (or even a BU) as whatever my FIL wants he will get, but as I said above, I just wanted some opinions so I could gauge how other family members may react when told there won't be a wake.

OP posts:
DitheringDiva · 14/08/2017 08:30

I went to a funeral once (of a child), where they really wanted lots of people at the funeral, but the immediate family (totally understandably) didn't have the strength to stand and talk to all the people who'd come, so they booked out the local pub for the wake (which, to me, is the food/drinks afterwards), but they themselves went somewhere else (back home I assume) - so that's a possibility

BUT we didn't have a proper wake for my Dad, mainly because my Mum had been so distressed by people laughing and joking at her mother's funeral wake. My Dad was a very sociable bloke, and made a point of visiting friends/family regularly, but in his final year of life he became too frail to drive, and many of the people he thought were his friends never thought to visit him (not even his own brother), even though they could make time to turn up for the funeral. My Mum utterly detests such hypocritical behaviour, so that was her second reason for not having a wake.

Let your Dad do what he wants - nice people will understand, shitty people won't but then you won't want anything more to do with them anyway.

reetgood · 14/08/2017 08:35

You don't need to do anything. I've been to funerals with really lovely gatherings after - a couple of them hired a space and did a little food. Not really boozy. Both had loads of photos of the person over their life which was lovely. I swapped memories and heard about a different side to the person I knew! But they were both social people with an element of public life. Also the immediate family were there but didn't need to be iysim. It was nice because it reflected the person who had died, and those close to them. If that wasn't your mums style, then I'd not worry about it. Especially given their experience losing a child. If I were your dad I'd not want anywhere near something like that.

I have also found my own food post funeral. Sometimes a few of us went together and had our own memories. I did not expect anything of the family. I assumed they had other priorities.

reetgood · 14/08/2017 08:37

Just seen your update - to add, if people are going to get mardy about this then they're really not worth your consideration!

PandorasXbox · 14/08/2017 08:38

Just send an email or text stating there will be no wake after the funeral. You don't need to get into a deep discussion or give reasons. It's none of their business especially if they just to find out the distressing details of this lady's death.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 08:39

All I wanted was to see is whether this is something that is deemed "acceptable"

Of course its acceptable and anyone who moans they arent getting some free sandwiches and a drink, clearly dont give a shit about fil.

I would be really angry if my fil made his feelings clear and someone moaned about it.

sandgrown · 14/08/2017 08:43

Sometimes the only time our extended family all get together is for weddings and funerals. Though funerals are sad it does give us chance to catch up and there are some memories and laughter. We would totally understand if someone did not want that. We would probably just arrange to meet somewhere after the service if we knew in advance.

CarolinePenvenen · 14/08/2017 08:44

Sorry for the loss of your MIL Flowers

It’s fine to do whatever your FIL wants. A funeral isn’t a wedding so if people are turning up expecting a free feed (which I’m sure they’re not) they’ll just have to take themselves off after. I can’t imagine anyone would be so thoughtless as to criticise the actions of a grieving man...no actually I can believe it! But hopefully your family aren’t like that.

pinkstripeycat · 14/08/2017 08:46

There is nothing wrong in not having a wake. It's the choice of the family. In my mind the funeral is the time to say goodbye and the wake is a get together to celebrate their life. When my nan died we had a small (5 of us) family meal in the village pub. My nan hated funerals/wakes. She used to say "when I die shove me in a box and bury me at the bottom of the garden." We had no flowers and no hymes at her choice. She wanted her money to be spent on family not on a funeral and in cut flowers no one could enjoy.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 14/08/2017 08:49

I think you're doing the right thing op. If your FIL wants to keep things low key and not have a wake, then that's what he wants.
I've already told dh I don't want anything like that. I hope my wishes are respected. I just have this horrible idea that people will be saying "Well, Cigars is dead now, where's the cake?"
Seems weird to me.
Also I've been to wakes where people have pushed a sort of forced jollity to it. Even when its clear to see that the people closet to the deceased just want to grieve.

zzzzz · 14/08/2017 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AaarghUsername · 14/08/2017 08:53

My mum has just written her will, and she has explicitly stated she doesn't even want a funeral - just cremate her and deliver of the ashes back to us (with specific instructions as to what to do with them).

I think it'll be really awkward for the us to have to explain that to her friends/acquaintances but it's what she wants so we have to abide by her wishes.

Sorry on your loss, OP.

OliviaStabler · 14/08/2017 08:56

Just make sure you manage expectations. As long as others know there will be strictly no wake, food or gathering after that will be fine.

DaisysStew · 14/08/2017 09:01

There doesnt need to be a wake. We didn't have one when my sister passed away. It was hard enough getting through the funeral, there's no way I could have made polite conversation over tea and sandwiches.

It's a chance to pay respects not a free buffet. If people can't understand that then it's their problem not your FILs.

AhoyPirates · 14/08/2017 09:04

When my Grandad died we had just tea and biscuits in the church for everyone who attended, people like to gather and talk about the person and the memories they had.

We had booked a small immediate family lunch at a restaurant my Grandad loved. So we left the wake after 1 cup of tea.

When my Mum died we had a full wake at a cricket club, I don't really remember much about it. She had lots of friends whom I had never met as I lived over an hour away.

I was surrounded by strangers and it wasn't at all comforting. Dh and my sisters were the only thing that kept me sane through it.

I think it would be good to suggest a place for everyone to go afterwards even if you and your FIL are not there.

Liiinoo · 14/08/2017 09:04

There is absolutely no need to offer people food and drink nowadays. Even the most remote, rural places will have cafes/supermarkets/petrol stations with coffee machines and sandwiches. If people are hungry or thirsty they can do what they do the other 364 days of the year and get themselves something.

There is a saying that funerals are for the living, not the dead and the OPs father can and should do exactly what he wants in this matter.

There is a beautiful song by Ronan McManus (One More Time) about grieving and the second verse is about his feelings about his dad's wake. I have attached a link for anyone who might be interested. HIs dad was a well known musician so I imagine his 'do' would have been a lively affair and enjoyed by many, but the song makes it very clear that his son was not one of them.

www.google.co.uk/search?q=ronan+mcmanus+strawberry+hill&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari#mie=e,,ronan%20macmanus%20one%20more%20time,H4sIAAAAAAAAAONgFuLVT9c3NEwyjy8zyTWPV4JyLQwN0ozNTbVEs5Ot9HNLizOT9RNzkkpzrYrz89KLARicdGA3AAAA

Splodgeinc · 14/08/2017 09:15

If you are concerned about the socially acceptable part you could arrange tea and biscuits near the church - church hall/pub etc so people can have a bite to eat and pop to the loo. There is no need for your fil to attend. Social obligations fulfilled but no "meet and greet"

heliumrising · 14/08/2017 09:19

IIWM I would go with FIL's wishes, it's a terrible time for him and echoes of death of DS will be with him too.

As long as you explain to attendees what his plans are I am sure they will be fine. If it's your own feelings troubling you about hospitality being lacking then advance warning will help people make their own arrangements and no offence should be taken.

HTH, and sorry to your family for their sad loss.

Gentlygrowingoldermale · 14/08/2017 09:26

A meal at home with those that are close sounds fine to me.

When MIL died, had a service, came home with our children (grown ups) who sat where they could and chatted with happy memories of their Nan.

When my younger sister died - there was a proper Yorkshire wake. Lots of drinking lots of laughter. My other sister and me left early, it wasn't for us. It was enormously helpful to my BiL so we were pleased for him.

I understand how your FiL feels about bigger events. Do what he wants and stand the flack you may get.

All the best to you all and especially FiL.

RainbowPastel · 14/08/2017 09:31

I would find it very odd not to have something afterwards. I attend a lot of funerals and there is always something after ranging from tea and cake to a full on party.

Original poster
joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 09:35

RainbowPastel - you are exactly the sort of person I am dreading having to deal with!!!!!!

OP posts:
Huldra · 14/08/2017 09:37

I've been to a couple with no official wake.
Once someone made arrangements to meet at a pub for those that wanted to but no arranged food, or room hire.

Swipe left for the next trending thread