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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

213 replies

joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:11

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

OP posts:
gingercat02 · 14/08/2017 21:01

Tradionally in Ireland a wake is before the funeral and is a fairly rowdy affair to wake the deceased in case they are just sleeping. The tea and cakes or pints and buffet are just for folk to gather round and remininise about what a great person/arsehole you were. I think the next of kin totally gets to decide .

BackforGood · 14/08/2017 21:18

I actually think that having time after the funeral to share memories is a really, really important part of the grieving process. Presumably all the people who come to the funeral will also be grieving - be they family or friends.
Absolutely, if your FiL doesn't want to go, then respect his wishes, but I think it would be helpful to let people know 'FiL doesn't feel he can face a 'tea' afterwards, but I've had a word with {insert local pub or cafe or hotel or tea room} who have said folk are welcome to gather there if they wish to' - somewhere serving tea and cake anyway but has a space they can cordon off (often a sep lounge or room in a pub)...... or 'FiL doesn't feel he can face a 'tea' afterwards, but I've had a word with the people at the Church who would be willing to put on a cuppa and a slice of cake if people would like to stay after the burial' type of thing.

You've asked what people 'expect', or 'if it is alright not to. People telling you a different answer from that you want to hear, doesn't make them 'entitled' and there is no need to be so rude. I realise you are grievng, but, as a pp said, so will people who attend the funeral be grieving.

Original poster
joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 21:49

Backforgood - actually, the reason I asked is so I could determine how many people feel they are entitled to be fed at a funeral so I can prepare for this reaction from the extended family. I don't actually agree that something should be provided. It's nice if it is, but should not be expected. Anyone that does expect this and complains about a lack of food/alcohol/tea is, in my opinion, a waste of space. The point of a funeral is to pay your respects to the deceased, not to get a free fucking meal.

This thread has been really helpful for me though. Seems as though around 50% of people expect something to eat/drink (despite being told of FILs/MILs wishes) so I know roughly how many complaints I'm going to have to deal with in the next week or so and I can prepare my answer accordingly (which will be in no uncertain terms to fuck right off and make their own fucking tea or buy their own fucking food, the fucking leeches). Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 21:52

Also, I'd like to point out that FIL and DH are grieving and really struggling to come to terms with their loss, which is understandable. And I am over 8 months pregnant. There is no one else close by to organise the funeral so it's fallen to me to arrange. I'm grieving too, so I don't see why it's my problem whether people are hungry or thirsty.

OP posts:
ZippyCameBack · 14/08/2017 22:12

When my daughter died, the wake sort of happened around me. I was in shock and sleeping a lot (burial was 3 days after her birth/death) and what I was aware of I found very distressing.
I wish now that I'd found the strength to speak up and tell all the people to go away.
When my MIL died it was different and the whole family pitched in and fed a couple of hundred people. The circumstances make all the difference and nobody should be made to feel that how they feel or how they deal with a bereavement is wrong or weird.

Londonyardwork · 14/08/2017 22:17

I think they are weird. People can easily go to a cafe or pub if they choose. I wouldnt want one in my house.

wibblywobblyfish · 14/08/2017 23:40

When my grandad died, he had a lovely church service followed by a cremation for family only. There was no wake. We followed the coffin in to the church and followed the coffin out. There were a lot of people that grandad obviously knew and I would have liked to have been able to thank them for coming and to maybe share some memories but without a gathering afterwards there was no opportunity to speak. I know this was my grandads wishes as he had provided us with a plan, order of service and a little autobiography too and I did understand. Just felt a little shell shocked and shaky by how upsetting I found the funeral and a hot drink would have been much appreciated before hitting the road home.

scrabbler3 · 15/08/2017 00:24

Sorry for your loss OP. I'm sorry that she didn't live to see your baby. Take care of yourself.

Your FiL's wishes prevail. Don't have a wake, and let mourners know in advance. They can sort out their own food/drink/toilet if they really can't manage without. It's easy enough to google pubs.

Fwiw I agree with your FiL. The idea of sitting in a pub after a beloved person's funeral watching people who are not close friends/family eat sausage rolls and discuss Trump/football/Strictly contestants does not appeal. I'd want to go straight home.

elevenclips · 15/08/2017 00:28

If you want to avoid food/drink, try and have funeral away from meal time.

Other than that fil is nbu, the poor bugger. He's right just wanting everyone to sod off imo.

Grilledaubergines · 15/08/2017 02:03

When each of my grandparents died
we went to a local pub for dinner, just immediate family. It was lovely. A full on gloomy wake I couldn't do.

SabineUndine · 15/08/2017 02:22

I would simply identify somewhere nearby that is open and has food and suggest that anyone who wants to, could go along there. Some people do see a funeral as a social event but there's no reason your FIL should have to take part if he doesn't want to. If he wants to pay for food you might see if the café or whatever can put something on. But I hate the obligation thing for someone who's not going to be feeling up to it.

tharsheblows · 15/08/2017 02:37

joojoobean99 -- my dad died a few years ago and I was there throughout his last few months with my mom and helped arrange the funeral and all of that. You're completely right, it's all about your DH and his father. Hang onto this feeling as it will help: "I can tell them to go fuck themselves. Thank you for the warning."

We had (my mom wanted) a massive wake and it was wonderful and the right thing to do but someone will always want more and want to make it all about them. Fuck that and fuck them. Do what's right for your family.

You're a good person and your DH and FIL are lucky to have you.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/08/2017 17:34

I have sadly been to an awful lot of funerals. I've never been to one without a funeral tea. I do think if your FIL can't cope (and actually he may feel completely differently after the service, personally I found the bit afterwards very comforting when I buried my parents) then he can bow out gracefully and you and DH could host something simple. People come surprising distances to pay their respects, many are elderly, and to pack them off without a cup of tea and something to eat seems a bit harsh. I was so grateful to everyone who made the effort to attend the funerals, and it was nice to be able to tell them that in person afterwards. The people who come on to the tea tend to want to talk about the dead person, which again, can be very comforting later.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/08/2017 17:37

Oh and re the confusion over "wake" . A wake is normally held before the body has been buried, and would be a vigil, usually the night before the burial, with the body present, in some places (e.g Ireland) involving a lot of booze and a knees up. A Funeral tea is the tea (eg refreshments) after the body has been buried.

Craigie · 15/08/2017 17:46

Perfectly normal and fuck all to do with you, it was his wife therefore his decision. Some people don't even have funerals.

willowtreepond · 15/08/2017 17:47

It is really just up to each family. If FIL doesn't want a wake his wishes should be listened to. Going with immediate family sounds just fine. It is the weeks and months after the funeral that he will continue to need support and maybe those people could visit him then if he wants. As someone else suggested tell people in advance then they know what to expect.

Miracle33 · 15/08/2017 17:50

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down.

Allthewaves · 15/08/2017 17:50

People can do what they like. Don't feel pressured and don't insist on dragging poor fil out for a meal.

When my aunt died. Some of family wanted to get together, some didn't. Aunts husband went home straight after with his brother. Their children went to local social club that aunt frequented - we all swapped stories and grieved together. It's such a personal decision

Grohlette · 15/08/2017 18:13

My dad died last year, we were all very sad and my mum found the day very difficult and don't really want a wake. But since people came from so far afield we had to. We invited many of our old family friends and family and people came from all over the UK. We invited everyone back to the house for tea/cofffee/wine/beer and small cold buffet (Waitrose...it was perfect!) As immediate family we chatted with people who we hadn't seen for a very long time, and we all said my dad would have loved the day and loved to have seen everyone. Although the day was hard and emotional, Im really glad we had a wake and my mum was too in the end. It's never easy though...

ArDali1 · 15/08/2017 18:19

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.
In my opinion, I don't think your FIL is unreasonable, I can't imagine the emotions he's going through right now, but if I was in his position I wouldn't want to have people coming back to my home for food. I think just having a small meal with like you suggested, if he is happy with that then you can explain to the guests attending that it's his and (RIP) MIL decision that they do not want it. I am sure people who care and respect him would respect his wishes

snailmum · 15/08/2017 18:21

I lost my first husband to cancer when I was 24. I didn't want a wake afterwards which my family understood. It is a very personal decision and you are doing the right thing supporting your FIL at this difficult time. xxx

Chesntoots · 15/08/2017 18:24

We did not have a wake after my dad's funeral. We made it clear it would be a very quick service (no vicar etc) and no meeting up afterwards.
We appreciated that people would not want to travel a long distance for a 20 minute service and that was fine. If people want to complain, and some family did, then tough shit - it's not about them.
Dad made it perfectly clear to me that he didn't want a "funeral", he was very practical. I am the same and have stipulated in my will I want to have the cheapest "disposal" possible.
My money (if I've not spent it!) is to go on the living, not on a corpse who won't have a clue anyway.
It isn't a case of the more fuss you make the more you loved someone.
Sounds cold but my money, my body, my wishes.

FrizzyMcFrizzface · 15/08/2017 18:32

I had exactly this situation a few months ago OP. I am so sorry for your loss. In the end we compromised on hosting tea and cake at ours so that the people who had travelled had something but it was still low key and easy to organise. Everyone had left after 1 1/2 hours and it was actually a really nice time just chatting with family and friends about MIL. We deliberated for ages over what was 'right' but this really worked for us and everyone who came said how lovely it was. Not everyone who had been at the funeral came back to ours BTW, but enough that it felt right. Most importantly, FIL was comfortable with it.

Hope you get it sorted Flowers

libbyb · 15/08/2017 19:21

There are, of course, people who learn of the loss of an old friend or relative, and they make it their memorium to the deceased to attend their funeral - they should not be excluded - a life can spread over many decades and many areas!! I would love all of the people who I admired and learnt from to be at my funeral - as much as I would like to hear about theirs. There are more fractions to this equation than the known relatives and close friends - it's a celebration of a life well lived - don't exclude yourself from the celebration !!

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 15/08/2017 20:05

It's his experience of his sons funeral that has made him feel this way. I felt the same at my nephew's wake. A couple of my brothers friends chatting and laughing over a bottle of Stella and we'd just buried a 6 month old little boy. Let your FIL do it his way xx

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