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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

213 replies

joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:11

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

OP posts:
Rhubarbginisnotasin · 14/08/2017 09:38

I would find it very odd not to have something afterwards. I attend a lot of funerals and there is always something after ranging from tea and cake to a full on party.

Ive read about people who attend lots of funerals so they don't have to do much grocery shopping.

RainbowPastel · 14/08/2017 09:38

People like to share memories of the deceased.

RainbowPastel · 14/08/2017 09:40

Rhubarb it's people we know only family, friends or people from church. I don't attend funerals of people I don't know Smile.

Frankley · 14/08/2017 09:45

Do what FIL wishes. Our family and relations found that many of us were only meeting up at funerals, which we didn't think should be social get-to-gethers. So we arranged a family party one summer and all distant relations were invited --many cousins etc turned up and it was lovely. All keen to see where they were on the family tree.
My sister and I have both said we are not having funerals, let alone a wake

AnUtterIdiot · 14/08/2017 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/08/2017 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

astoundedgoat · 14/08/2017 09:50

I kind of feel that etiquette trumps his personal feelings here, because (in Ireland, where I'm from) it would be astonishing not to have something after the burial.

In my mother's case, there were about 80 - 100 people at the church in the city, several hundred people at the burial (about 45 miles away down the country in her home village, so not everyone came from the church to the burial), and then because it would have been impossible to entertain so many after the burial (and nor would they have expected it), we had a sit-down meal for 50 at a nearby hotel, which was completely lovely.

There was a "receiving line" at the grave, and everybody who came to the burial offered their condolences to me, my father and my husband, as the chief mourners.

To have done it differently would have caused offence, but this is Ireland, so different from you might do it locally to you.

Ive read about people who attend lots of funerals so they don't have to do much grocery shopping. Everyone in Ireland loves a good funeral. Grin Grin #ismiseAis

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 09:53

I kind of feel that etiquette trumps his personal feelings here, because (in Ireland, where I'm from) it would be astonishing not to have something after the burial.

I am from ireland and i think etiquette should never trump a grieving husband.

Besides which this is entirely different to an irish funeral. There wont be a street procession, a recieving line or hundreds of people attending. Most of which dont really care.

Etiquette should never trump someones grief.

astoundedgoat · 14/08/2017 09:55

Our family and relations found that many of us were only meeting up at funerals, which we didn't think should be social get-to-gethers

I kind of feel that this is one of the great features of a funeral - it brings people together, and this brings joy (ideally, depending on your family!) on a sad occasion.

PandorasXbox · 14/08/2017 09:57

Etiquette does not trump the wishes of the person closest to the those who've died. Ever.

I personally hate wakes. It feels so forced and unnatural sitting there making small talk, especially if you don't know many of the people attending.

BlondeB83 · 14/08/2017 09:57

It is entirely up to him and it sounds like they discussed it before she died.

astoundedgoat · 14/08/2017 09:58

I am from ireland and i think etiquette should never trump a grieving husband. But other members of the family do want to come together to celebrate the OP's MIL (from what she has said) - I can completely understand the FIL deciding not to attend, and this should be respected, but it falls to the immediate family to put something in place for the mourners after the burial, however straightforward (tea and sandwiches upstairs in local pub, even). It does't have to be the full shebang. If they're NOT organising something, they need to let someone know, so they can make their own arrangements, if they wish (an aunt/uncle, a sensible cousin).

RainyDayBear · 14/08/2017 10:00

I'd have found it odd if I wasn't forewarned and was expecting to go back to one, as I don't think I've been to a funeral that didn't have a wake. But if I was told beforehand that there wouldn't be a wake as the bereaved didn't feel up to it I would completely understand, and would probably arrange to meet afterwards with any family / friends who were also attending.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

PandorasXbox · 14/08/2017 10:00

If people want to celebrate her life they can sort something themselves.

SoPassRemarkable · 14/08/2017 10:02

I think respect what Fil wants but make it known beforehand so it's not a surprise.

Frankley · 14/08/2017 10:10

astoundedgoat But the very close family are not feeling joy. I went to a funeral of a young work mate, people came who had left the workplace some years before as they had known her slightly. So they were meeting up with their past workmates and the present workers they knew. They were all so happy I felt so sorry for her husband and children. When I commented on this to a friend she said--they were just hiding their feelings. No, they all should have met up somewhere else.

HiJenny35 · 14/08/2017 10:13

I don't understand what you mean about 'how do we explain it to other people' what's there to explain. Just say we are simply having a burial not anything afterwards. We haven't had wakes after any family members and don't like them, no one has ever questioned it.
I actually don't think you are following your fathers wishes, it really doesn't sound like he wants to go out for a meal after either. He laying to rest his wife, doesn't really matter what any of you want or feel is acceptable, he want to have time and space to reflect quietly and hide his emotions from others, if that's how he wants to deal then that's his right. He's already said he didn't like being around happy joking people after sons funeral, how's he going to feel if at this restaurant for this meal there's a table with a birthday or having a laugh? Give him space and then book something in like Sunday lunch at a pub for a few days later.

KinkyAfro · 14/08/2017 10:14

We didn't want a wake for dad, mum was too distraught but his sister bullied us into it. Wish we'd have done it our way, we'd told everyone we wouldn't be doing anything and most were planning on raising a glass at his local.

Parker231 · 14/08/2017 10:15

There is no reason for a wake if your FIL doesn't want one - his feelings trump everyone else's. If people attending have traveled a distance I'm sure they can sort out a meal for themselves before traveling home.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 14/08/2017 10:17

I've attended two funerals which did not have a wake afterwards. I think its fine and if people don't like it they can go to a local pub or cafe if they want. After my parents died we did have a wake in the local church hall but it did feel odd having to arrange what felt like a party when we were still in shock.

missiondecision · 14/08/2017 10:18

My family never have an official wake. Those that want to go and eat and chat in smaller groups.
We are dysfunctional and not everyone gets on.

JeReviens · 14/08/2017 10:21

BillBrysonsBeard - exactly. That was what my Dad wanted and that's what he got. My parents have always hated 'fuss' and I totally agree. When I go it will be the same and if that's not respected I'll be back to haunt the bejasus out of them for all time.

peachgreen · 14/08/2017 10:21

It baffles me the things people expect from those who have just lost their spouse. You see it especially in older couples. If DH died there's no way I'd be making nice at a wake, not in a million years.

Let FIL grieve in the way he wants to.

FanwankTheAbsurd · 14/08/2017 10:24

Personally, I hate wakes. I find the idea utterly abhorrent. When I die I have said that I do not like them, but if whoever is left behind feels the need, then they can. If dh dies first he knows I will not be hosting a wake for him.

I think it is a decision for those left behind really. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for their decision either way. Your fil gets to decide and everyone else has to abide by his wishes. If other family members choose to have a separate 'do' then that is their right.

Enb76 · 14/08/2017 10:30

People were very cross with my mother for not having a funeral service and not being invited to some sort of event when my father died. We had no ceremony, buried by father in a woodland cemetery and went for a meal, just close family.

The social "etiquette" demanded by death is horrendous imo - we skipped all of it. We are not religious, if people want to remember, mourn, celebrate etc... then they can do it on their own time. To have to entertain guests when you're mourning seems dire to me.