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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

213 replies

joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:11

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

OP posts:
Sashkin · 14/08/2017 13:23

We had two random elderly ladies trying to get into our house for the refreshments after my dad's funeral (he was a 35yr old man, he'd definitely never met them). When my aunt asked them who on earth they were, they said they just liked going to funerals.

After MIL's funeral, a load of FIL's work colleagues (who barely knew MIL) bounded up to him and asked "where the party was". They then proceeded to get trashed and fall over, and refused to leave when FIL and SIL wanted to go to bed.

MIL had specified that she didn't want anyone wearing black, but various members of the extended family took umbrage at that and sent emails after the funeral announcement had gone out, cc'ing FIL, telling everyone to ignore her request because it was "weird", and definitely wear black.

Some people are cunts around funerals. You would think that they would respect the grieving family, but they don't at all.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 14/08/2017 13:37

My dad felt the same way when my mum died. She died suddenly one Christmas. She wasn't very old (in her fifties).

In the end, we just had close family at the burial and a few others, who were very close to us, at our house afterwards for something to eat, but no booze or anything and no announcement in the church to say we would be hosting everyone. Only those we invited came to the house, not the whole funeral congregation. My granny (mum's mum) also had her church friends over to her house, because that's what she wanted.

About 500 people turned up at my mum's funeral service, which was a big surprise! It would actually have been difficult to accommodate them all at short notice, (due to sudden death and the fact that we tend to bury people relatively quickly after they pass away, where I am from). Anyone who attended the funeral and thought it was weird that they didn't get a sarnie... meh. I really don't care about that tbh. I'm sure they're over it. The only people who mattered at the time were my mum's family and close friends.

Time40 · 14/08/2017 13:39

Couldn't you arrange something so people have somewhere to go if they want to stay on and chat and get fed and watered, but make it clear to everyone that FIL won't be going? Even just a room in pub with some sandwiches?

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 13:39

But even those who might be surprised not to be offered even a cuppa have still made the effort to pay their respects.

Or maybe they will just understand thay a cup of tea isnt that important when compared to the grief mils family is going though. And go sort their own cuppa out.

I am sure these people sort themseleves out the rest of the year.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 13:43

We had two random elderly ladies trying to get into our house for the refreshments after my dad's funeral (he was a 35yr old man, he'd definitely never met them). When my aunt asked them who on earth they were, they said they just liked going to funerals.

When we arrived at the crematorium at my aunts funeral there were people trying to get in to watch. When the undertakers challenged them, some where for the next funeral. Some admitted they pop down alot. They were taking seats members of the family were standing.

Its takes the fucking piss. My aunty was 46 and had two young kids. People wanted to watch a grieving widower and 2 grieving kids. Its digusting.

museumum · 14/08/2017 13:44

a 'wake' sounds awfully full-on to me. If there's a church involved can you just do a cup of tea from an urn and a jammy dodger in the church hall afterwards?
You can take FIL away home, he doesn't need to be there, but it will be nice for MILs friends and more distant relatives to have somewhere they can chat briefly.
our family isn't into parties either but that means we don't see each other much, it would be awful to attend a funeral service then have t drive off without having a chance to speak to each other.

crumpet · 14/08/2017 13:49

Gorgo, of course they can. No-one is saying they can't. But it is considered polite, that's all.

Parker231 · 14/08/2017 13:50

Surely those people who want a cup of tea/meal afterwards can sort it out themselves?

millymae · 14/08/2017 13:54

I don't think it's weird in the least not to have a wake. IMHO they are totally unnecessary and just prolong what is already a very sad day for those closest to the deceased. I can think of nothing worse than having to put a brave face on things and make polite conversation.

I think a lot depends on lifestyle though. If you are a family that is very social wth a wide circle of friends who like a drink then yes it might be viewed as unusual not to have a wake but I don't think this should ever over ride the deceased wishes or those of their next of kin.

When my grandfather died, the close family went straight to a local hotel for a lovely meal in a private room - it was all very pleasant and what he would have chosen himself, but my Nan didn't feel like eating much and was glad to get home afterwards.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 13:54

He has lost his wife. Why should he be concerned with 'polite' at the moment.

Ops fil and dh just need to be concernes with saying goodbye and getting through the day. Not worrying about who is upset they didnt get a cup of tea.

Its polite to accept a person who has just lost their wife (who didnt want a wake herself) doesnt want a wake.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 13:56

it would be awful to attend a funeral service then have t drive off without having a chance to speak to each other

They can all go to a pub for meal together if its that important.

From this thread it seems the only reason fil should do something he and his late wife dont want to, is because its 'expected'. Fuck that.

iknowimcoming · 14/08/2017 13:58

OP - you sound fab! I think the key here is communication - at the point you inform people of the when and where of the funeral you simply say 'just to let you know - there will be no wake afterwards as this is what fil wants and what mil would have wanted, I'm sure you understand'. That avoids any confusion or expectation, if anyone feels that's odd, tough, don't come!

My in-laws are serial funeral attenders, checking the local rag every week for anyone they have a remotely spurious link to, they've even tried to get DH to go to a few 'oh you remember Mr So-and-so, he lived two doors down when you were 2, do you want to come with us?' FFS Bloody loons - soooo rude!

Sorry for your loss and I hope it all goes smoothly for you and your family Flowers

Sashkin · 14/08/2017 14:01

People wanted to watch a grieving widower and 2 grieving kids

Actually that reminds me about a woman I briefly worked years ago with who told me "she loved a juicy funeral". What the fuck is a "juicy" funeral?! Sick bitch.

LazySusan11 · 14/08/2017 14:02

I don't think it's weird, when my mum died we had immediate family only then went home. We didn't want our grief on display or to have to listen to lots of 'I'm sorry for your loss'

People do different things and if that's what your FIL wants then I'd support him in his decision.

Allthewaves · 14/08/2017 14:04

I wouldn't even go for a meal tbh. I'd just want to go home and be alone for a bit

milliemolliemou · 14/08/2017 14:17

Just do what your FIL wants and your MIL wanted - just let people know in advance. If they quibble just repeat it's what MIL wanted.

Liiinoo · 14/08/2017 14:32

Even in Ireland wakes are not compulsory. When my Granny died her remains were left in the church overnight, so no wakehouse to visit. Then after the mass, procession through the village to the graveyard and burial (all very traditional and well attended) the crowd dispersed and we went home. Maybe some people went to the local bar and raised a glass to her but like the OPs dad, my grandad just wanted to go home and mourn his wife. And it was never remarked on, before or after, by extended family or by neighbours.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 14/08/2017 14:39

After one family funeral we went for a walk along a river. After another untimely funeral for a young relative close family went to the forest and took fish and Chips.

I found I needed to be outside, I couldn't have coped with a formal meal. It's FILs call.

littlebrownbag · 14/08/2017 14:49

Entitled people can do one.

As long as FIL's wishes to be private are clear to anyone else attending the funeral, and those who want to have a cup of tea and reminisce about MIL know they need to organise themselves to do that, then your "social obligations" end there.

I would just add a note that sometimes you find the most unexpected people outside the family genuinely mourning the deceased. It's not the same kind of mourning as family of course, but sometimes we touch other's lives in ways we don't know about, and do want to say goodbye/pay respects. It is for those people that I think it is kind to make the wishes of FIL known clearly known in advance, to avoid distress and embarrassment all round.

Sorry for your family's loss.

LML83 · 14/08/2017 15:01

Sorry for your loss OP sounds like you are trying to prevent any problems on the day for your FIL which is really kind.

You are right FIL is most important, most guests would agree so i think it is unlikely anyone would be upset. I think communicating is key so people aren't awkwardly hanging about or asking where to go. As PP said announcement at end of service 'family are grateful you have come to say goodbye they will be having quiet private time afterwards and have asked me to thank you all for coming'

Hope it goes ok.

DitheringDiva · 14/08/2017 15:21

A couple came to my Dad's funeral and they've admitted that they go to every funeral of anyone they have any kind of link to (sometimes 2 a day!). My Mum vaguely knows them just because they live in the same village, but they are not friends of the family. My Dad would have loved more visitors in the year before he died - anyone who would just sit and chat to him for an hour, since he couldn't get out of the house. But they never came to see my Dad when he was alive, so why come to the funeral when he's dead? I just don't understand it!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2017 16:15

So long as people are prepared for there not to be a wake, that's fine. There may be chronically ill people or diabetics, attending, who need to eat. So giving them a heads up is important.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 16:44

mummy again those people coulr sort themseleves or would enquire before. As they would not know what will be arranged. Wakes could be anything from tea and biscuits or a full meal/buffet. Anyone relying on a wake to manage their health is taking a risk.

And again its a small funeral. Op would know if anyonr was chronically ill.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/08/2017 16:55

I remember the first funeral I went to, as a teenager, was my grandfather's. I was distraught, and when we went to the funeral home afterwards for tea and sandwiches, I couldn't understand why everyone cheered up so much and were talking and laughing. It really upset me.

I learnt, of course, that that is the way things tend to happen - that people come together and reminisce and that sometimes laughter happens - but at the time, as an over-emotional teenager, I thought it was very disrespectful.

I can understand your FIL not wanting to go through that.

Shopkinsdoll · 14/08/2017 17:06

I was at a funeral a few months ago. There wasn't any wake due to the fact the lady who lost her mother couldn't face anyone. We just accepted it and went home. I would prob feel like that too.