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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

213 replies

joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:11

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

OP posts:

OnTheRise · 14/08/2017 06:54

Your fil wishes are more important than those who might be put out by no wake. Just tell people up front there is no wake because FIL doesn't want one. If anyone objects they are an arse.

Exactly.

midnightmisssuki · 14/08/2017 06:55

OP - are you in Asia? - this is normal in Asia (having a wake) but in the UK i think its more normal to have a church service then a cremation/burial? Apologies if not.

Aebj · 14/08/2017 06:59

Sorry to hear about your loss.
The last funeral I went to there wasn't a wake.
After my grandads funeral we had a great party with the family. Something he would of wanted

DermotOLogical · 14/08/2017 07:01

You don't invite people to a funeral, you let people know when it is and they decide whether to attend, they don't have to rsvp.

Bitlost · 14/08/2017 07:02

You should respect your FIL's wishes. He's even explained to you why he doesn't want a wake. Why question it?

SleepFreeZone · 14/08/2017 07:02

Is there a pub nearby that people could go to for refreshments. Your FIL doesn't have to go but perhaps you could pay for some tea and coffee/sandwiches.

Crumbs1 · 14/08/2017 07:04

My MIL only had her children (and the one male spouse as an additional carrier of the coffin) plus the dog. Wives weren't invited nor friends or wider family. Nobody objected as it was about her needs at the time.
A year later she was ready for a memorial service.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/08/2017 07:05

We are only inviting close family and friends to the funeral anyway

You don't invite people to a funeral. People are either told or fiond out when it is, and decide themselves whether to attend or not.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 14/08/2017 07:09

I can totally understand where he is coming from. When my father died none of us wanted this either and my mother insisted on a close family only funeral, which we totally agreed with. Your FIL should not have to put up with hand shakes and meet and greets, let alone any kind of jollity if he's not up to it. You can let people know in advance that there will be no 'wake' and let them choose not to come if it bothers them. If you feel strongly that any visitors should be fed and watered, you could arrange a funeral tea with a few sandwiches and round of drinks at a local pub but get the vicar to announce that brief refreshments will be laid on there for guests but that immediate family will NOT be attending and the refreshments are just that. FILs wishes and feelings must absolutely come first, not some sort of false politeness or keeping up appearances.

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/08/2017 07:12

If you are not having a wake, perfectly fine to get the vicar to announce that the family will be having private time with the family afterwards, but not fine just to vanish and leave people wondering what is going on. I travelled 100 miles to a funeral with my Mum (who is old) and we were just left in a crem car park in the middle of nowhere, when the people who organised the funeral just disappeared.

rizlett · 14/08/2017 07:22

I've seen more and more people decide not to provide an after service food and refreshments so it's not that weird anymore - just different to how it used to be.

It's completely right that your FIL have what he feels is right for him. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

CashelGirl · 14/08/2017 07:22

Maybe put the word out to some of the more "social" i.e., gossipy, family members that there will be nothing going on afterwards. That will save any arkwardness on the day, and they can make their own plans.

LadyLapsang · 14/08/2017 07:32

No, your FIL is not BU. When my parents died we used the same restaurant, they closed it for our use, and everyone came back. Then close family staying in hotels came back to a relative's house in the evening. People had come from all corners of the UK and abroad, so it was nice to thank them for coming and catch up. Otherwise I find you only see people at family weddings.After FIL's funeral, MIL just had some close family who had travelled quite a distance back to her house for lunch, as everyone else was local.

Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 07:32

doomf, do you feel better for correcting everyone? 🙄 not necessary.

Go with what Fil wants op. It's not hugely unusual. If other attendees want to have a drink and a chat, they can sort something out themselves after the funeral.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/08/2017 07:32

I think it might be seen as a bit odd, but in the end, it's up to him, isn't it. If he doesn't want to do it, then he should get the final say in that.
I went to one funeral that was just a service at the crematorium - no wake, or funeral tea - and it was a bit odd, but then I don't always go to the wake part anyway, unless I knew the person really well and would know other people there.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 14/08/2017 07:43

I think to a lot of people "wake" doesn't just mean a bit of food - on one side of my family, it would mean a night of fried food and heavy drinking before the funeral, sometimes actually in the same domestic house as the body. That is totally different to a few sandwiches and drinks somewhere afterwards.

Firstly, I would check with your FIL that there hasn't been a miscommunication over the word, because it does mean different things.

Secondly, I think it's incredibly common for people (especially men) to fear how they will react to a funeral; and also incredibly common for them to find the whole thing far less horrific and far more comforting than they had feared. I think I would suggest speaking to him again about booking a table somewhere outside of his house for family to get some sustenance afterwards - just in a practical sense of not leaving those who have come a way in the lurch. It means that if he is tired or wants to go home, he can, but he has the option of coming along in the event that he feels up to it. Make it clear that this is NOT connected to the funeral but is just a practical gesture of good will towards those travelling to get there and it is totally optional whether he attends. See if he would be up for that.

I do think his needs ultimately come first.

Northernparent68 · 14/08/2017 07:48

One option might be to ask the church if they can provide a cup of tea in the church for guests and the family leave

SweetieDarling11 · 14/08/2017 07:54

You could have just sandwiches and tea somewhere local, and explain to people quietly that FIL will not be attending (and any immediate family if you are going somewhere else or for a meal with FIL). Settle up in advance so you don't have to go there at all on the day.

One wake I went to was very small and held in the local travelodge lounge area and it was very nice, they reserved a small area. It was a very quiet surburban travelodge though, not a city centre type place. There was no alcohol, just sandwiches, tea/coffee and biscuits, so it wasn't a drinking type event. Just somewhere for people to sit quietly and share their memories of the person. Maybe suggest something like this to your FIL? He doesn't have to be there.

SweetieDarling11 · 14/08/2017 07:56

Northern - yes good idea re church if it's a church service. They also did tea and sandwiches at another wake I went to and it was (obviously) very quiet and respectful. Again, FIL does not have to attend. It's just a courtesy, providing a cup of tea and a sandwich/biscuit to people before they leave.

Original poster

joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 07:57

Ok, sorry for using the word "invite". What I meant was that he only wants close family to be informed as there's a lot of extended family that he knows MIL wouldn't want at her funeral.

I would never force him to have a wake (and by wake I mean food and drink after the burial) against his or MILs wishes, it's just I've actually never been to a funeral so not sure what to expect. We suggested the meal afterwards to him, and he agreed that it was a good idea but said it depends how he feels on the day. He is not a man that would be forced into doing something he wouldn't want to do, nor would I ever do this.

OP posts:

Angeldt · 14/08/2017 07:58

I'm going back to a good few years now - my father died aged 53 after a heart attack that put him in a coma for a month before he had another and died. I was emotionally looking after my mum as well as being pregnant at the same time. After his funeral we didn't feel we had it in us to have a wake so came home and literally went to bed and slept.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 14/08/2017 07:58

I think that sounds like an ideal solution - book a table somewhere for a meal, and let him know that it's entirely up to him whether he comes or not and that he can play it by ear on the day. Struggling to see how this is a dilemma, really?

TattyCat · 14/08/2017 07:59

I've literally just had this conversation/argument with my DP! My DM has expressed a wish for "no funeral", by which she obviously means a cremation with no-one attending except my brother and I (and our partner/wife). She has a large family (2 brothers, 3 sisters) and my DP suggested that I would have a hard time making them understand and they would all have an opinion, so I need to speak to everyone now to make sure they know what she wants so they can take it up with her !! I was outraged by his suggestion! I don't care what other people want. If my DM doesn't want a 'big splash' then she won't have one.

My DM didn't attend the gathering after my DF's funeral and no-one particularly minded or had an opinion... or rather no-one said anything at the time. I couldn't care less - she did what SHE needed to do, not what other people expected.

How utterly awful to force someone grieving into a situation that they don't feel they can cope with at the time, for the sake of 'appearances'.

Brittbugs80 · 14/08/2017 07:59

My Dad wanted a wake following his funeral and specified he wanted it at his place of work. There were just over 350 at his funeral then around 500 at the wake which when I left at 9pm, was still going strong with people arriving who couldn't make the funeral.

My Nan didn't want a fuss or a wake so at the service the Vicar said the family have requested privacy following the service but would like to thank you all for joining them to say goodbye. We did the whole hand shaking thanks for coming then people went. No one was offended and from what we understand, some people had their own gathering at a cafe where they had a cuppa and shared stories. Immediate family went to my Nans house and settled my Grandad back in on his own.

Could you ask the person leading the service to do similar? If mourners choose to meet up after they can, but it doesn't need to involve the rest of the family.

It was partly due to the fact that all the ladies at the funeral were around the age of my Nan at the time and were always fussing over my Grandad which he hates and this would have been worse after the funeral!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/08/2017 08:09

You need to offer food and drink to people especially since many of them will he travelling

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