Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

[joojoobean99]

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

Very sad time for you, you have my sympathy

Don't waste time on in what's right or wrong, your father in law just lost his wife, do whatever HE wishes to do.

Your time will come when you lose someone close enough to have the deciding vote, wait until then.

A wake is when you visit the body at their home to view or sit in prayer, before the funeral. I'm not sure there is a standard term for the after-funeral gathering.
In my opinion your FIL is well within his rights to refuse either of these. He knew her best, knew her wishes.

If he clearly said he doesn't want a wake, surely he was referring to that. Are you positive that he wasn't referring to the views/sitting in prayer before the funeral?
Maybe he would like a gathering after the funeral?

I travelled a fair distance (involved a short flight) for my great aunts cremation, there is discord between her daughter and (grown up) granddaughter who couldn't agree so there was no wake planned, we just went with all the other mourners to the local pub to do our reminiscing. Someone suggested it while we were outside looking at the flowers and we all agreed that it would be nice to catch up.

Maybe you could mention that to a member of family you or DH are quite close to, now so that they can let everyone else know there will be no wake, in accordance
with FIL wishes but they will be going to xx pub for a toast to MIL's life.

Bleh, for some reason I could only see three replies to the original post. Forgive me. Let them starve if they are so inclined, have some private time at home afterwards with your nearest and dearest. I wish you all the best.

Can I please try to put some context into why people expect to have a funeral tea?

It's not about free food, it's about the social act of sharing food, eating together, reminiscing about the person you have lost in a different and less formal way and this is in my opinion part of the grieving process because it brings everyone together.

Personally in your position I'd arrange for someone else to provide tea and sandwiches at a local function room/church hall and explain to people that FIL and immediate family won't be attending. However it's clearly your choice not to. I do think it's rude and a bit stingy of you to assume that people wanting to come together to grieve are entitled and just after free food. People just want to be together after a funeral.

People just want to be together after a funeral.
Then they can go to a local pub / restaurant? Nobody is entitled to food after a funeral. The immediate family's wants and needs must come first.

I am absolutely gobsmacked at the posters saying "But people will want to share memories/get together/have a sandwich..." as if they can't do that under their own steam and have some sort of right to a plate of vol-au-vents because they so graciously agreed to pay their respects. Bloody hell.

When someone's spouse has just died, the idea is generally that you cut them some slack, rather than getting all sniffy because they didn't feel up to facilitating your desire to spend an hour chatting about the deceased with a few random cousins over a buffet.

Dolly- I think it's more likely that people might not be local to the area and not know where to go; and/or that people might mifht assume because it's generally done rather than not that there will be some organised location afterwards whether that be the church hall, a pub or whatever else that's prepared to accept 20-25+ (or however many) people in one sitting who might all be ordering food at the same time. I don't think it's about entitlement to a slap up meal and a jolly laugh at the financial and emotional expense of the family. It's just far more common that not that there would be something afterwards where people csn congregate and chat.

If nothing's going on afterwards then rhats absolutely fine of course but at the very least put the word out in advance that that's the case, so people can make their own arrangements in advance.

He's grieving bless him. How about you suggest not having a wake but those who have travelled are welcome to come to yours for a cup of tea and cake? That way all parties are catered for?

Also from my experience- I helped organise the funeral of a close friend who died fairly recently in particularly tragic circs. Her father in particular did not want to come to the funeral, he hadn't gone to his parent's funerals, and felt he wouldn't be able to cope. However, on the day he came to the burial, and then unexpectedly did want to come to the informal service and the gathering afterwards. Both her parents were surrounded by people who had loved their daughter, and now say that they are so very glad that they didn't bow out of it. A similar thing happened when my uncle died last year, his wife didn't want a service at all- i think she just felt overwhelmed trying to organise it- but did change her mind when I offered to organise it, and then slowly came round to the idea of a little gathering afterwards. It was lovely, in the end. She is very shy and private, but she is now really glad that she did have something and for the memories of people there. It is easy in the shock of a bereavement to not want to face the bits that seem unbearable, like burials and the gatherings afterwards, but actually when you go through them they are comforting and not as awful as they seem beforehand. I thought I wouldn't be able to bear seeing my Mum's coffin, for instance, but actually I did cope really well when it came to it, and I am so glad that I was there afterwards, with so many people, even old childhood friends who had loved my Mum, having come for many miles to the service. Don't make choices out of the panic of grief .
I also agree with a pp, people don't come hoping for free food! They come because they care, and caring for them back is the kind thing to do. You can do it yourself, or you can book somewhere and have it all done for you (I've organised both these things). Really, it does help with the grieving process, however hard it seems from before the funeral.

We have had a number of family funerals in the last year. My parents have now both said that they do not want us to have any 'event ' after the service for their funerals (which is to be as short as possible and no hymns). We have a large family living across the country but I'm sure they are all capable enough to take themselves off to find a meal if they want one before driving home and understanding that this is the preference of the family.

In my experience, when grieving and having to organise the funeral itself, and also all the other official/financial etc stuff that comes with a person's death, the last thing anyone should feel obliged to do is organise (and pay for, which could be an issue in some cases) a party. And yes, the jollity afterwards can feel really inappropriate and excluding to close family.

They want a bun-fight? Off to the local with you then and don't expect anything from the OP and her family. Totally with you OP. More power to your elbow.

OP you do what FIL wants and is as simple as that. However I would certainly make people aware beforehand there is no formal organised wake. Perhaps you can contact a few members of the family let them know of the plans and ask if they can perhaps pass this information on to other family members. They may then decide amongst themselves to organise something. Perhaps you could have something printed on the order of service or as one PP suggests ask the priest or whoever is conducting ceremony to inform people of your plans.
Sorry for your loss