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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

213 replies

joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 05:11

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 14/08/2017 10:30

We had a "do" in the church hall after mum died, because that's what she wanted and my dad wanted to follow her instructions (locally sourced food, fair trade food). There were 500 + at her funeral and it about broke me having to smile and nod while people who were only there for the food kept grabbing at me and my family to say their piece. I lasted half an hour.

Go with what your FIL wants OP, or if the pressure on your DH will be too much can you organise a wee buffet somewhere without pressure for your FIL to attend? It's a rough time for everyone close isn't it? I'm sorry you're having extra pressure at a rough time.

AmberStClare · 14/08/2017 11:03

Your FIL should be allowed to do exactly what he wants. when my DM died last year we had randoms who said they couldn't get to the service turn up to fill their faces at the wake and drink us dry.

Facing the same dilemma with having her ashes interred. One member of the family wants a blow out and I feel it would be more dignified to have a small private ceremony. People have had their chance to say their goodbyes already.

Ropsleybunny · 14/08/2017 11:06

If that's what MIL actually wanted, then that's fine.

Corneliusmurphy · 14/08/2017 11:16

Sfil didn't want a wake or the funeral car from his house, we agreed on the car - he is very private and didn't want to be 'looked at' and it's his home not ours.

The wake though we felt we had to do - some people had travelled for hours and it felt rude not to offer at least tea.
We also weren't sure of numbers so felt our (small) house wasn't suitable. The compromise was the private room of a local pub which was walking distance to his house - that way he could come and have a drink if he wanted to and leave when he'd had enough, it worked out really well - I know him and dp were dreading it but it was a small function and cheesy though it is there was a lot of love in the room we took old photos to share with cousins etc and it felt like a nice way to commemorate mil.

KurriKurri · 14/08/2017 11:17

We didn't have one when my brother died. It was unexpected, he was young, we didn't feel like socializing. So everyone went on their way after the service, and we as a family went out for a walk with the dogs.

You don't have to do anything. Some people find a wake comforting, some find it a terrible strain.If your FIL doesn;t wan to do it, that's really OK.

There are options:
No wake, family meal/or just go back home afterwards.
Small tea and sandwiches type thing, FIL puts in brief appearance then leaves and lets people get on with it.
Tea and sandwiches, FIL doesn't go at all, family explain to anyone who asks that he wasn't feeling up to it.

If everyone is local - then there's no obligation, if people have travelled a long way for funeral I would offer a bit of refreshment, but I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid if the widower excused himself from a social small talk event.

SistersOfPercy · 14/08/2017 11:21

Whatever he feels comfortable with is correct.

As per Mums wishes there were 4 people at her funeral, myself, dh and our DC's. There were no hymns, just a song she loved and no wake. The death notice didn't go in the paper until after the service. Everyone who knew her well understood why she wanted things that way.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 11:24

But other members of the familydowant to come together to celebrate the OP's MIL (from what she has said)

If other members want something they can arrange a get together. Go have something to eat after and they can arrange it.

Maelstrop · 14/08/2017 11:31

My fil specified no service and no wake. We were not going to gain say his last wish. He was cremated, there was a piece of music he had chosen, that was it. There was a big falling out with his sil who insisted he would want a massive service/wake, even though he had told his wife he didn't want any of that. Silly.

I would hesitate to suggest even a meal for family afterwards, OP, as you say he's struggling with his emotions. He will struggle at the meal too, what's the difference? I would leave him be, frankly, obviously whilst ensuring he's ok.

5moreminutes · 14/08/2017 11:42

If the OP is not in Ireland and the family are not Irish, then Irish customs really are no more relevant than Chinese customs would be were the family not Chinese etc.

Its hideous to think the grieving loved ones wishes are less important than etiquette and what the neighbours/ cousins would say to anyone, anywhere in the world though.

Could you put a note on the obituary / funeral announcement along the lines of "Out of respect for the wishes of the deceased the cremation will be private; no flowers please and note that there will be no wake"

thekillers · 14/08/2017 12:04

My DH is adamant that he doesn't even want a funeral. Cremate and don't collect the ashes is his wish.

People need to talk about tis more whilst they are all alive.

Allthebestnamesareused · 14/08/2017 12:09

OP - perhaps on the notification of the funeral put something along the lines of:

"There will be no wake after the service/burial. For those travelling from further afield there is a pub/cafe/hotel at X location where you will be able to purchase lunch/tea afterwards should you wish to before travelling home".

It makes it clear that there is somewhere should they need to eat but also that it is at their expense.

Original poster
joojoobean99 · 14/08/2017 12:36

I really love the comments where people think I'm forcing my FIL to do something against his and MILs wishes. Myself and DH suggested a meal afterwards if he felt up to it, and he agreed but said he'd see how he feels on the day. It's my belief that his wishes be respected above everything else at this time.

And to those commenting that it's rude to not offer at least tea and cake, etc - thank you for your comments as it has prepared me to deal with entitled people like you when it comes to informing the extended family of the plans. I now know that there will be arseholes demanding to be fed by a grieving family, and I can tell them to go fuck themselves. Thank you for the warning.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 12:38

I think i love you a little bit op Grin

crumpet · 14/08/2017 12:55

It would be considered polite to offer attendees a drink and a snack after the funeral, irrespective of whether or not your FIL is there. There is certainly no obligation for him/ the family to be there if
It's too distressing, but it's a bit unusual not to offer any form of refreshment at all. Depending on where the funeral is, perhaps tea and biscuits/ a sandwich in the church hall next door for example. Or as mentioned if there is a pub nearby then if funds permit it could be arranged for tea to be provided there.

To tell people who have bothered to make the effort to pay their respects to the deceased to go fuck themselves and consider them entitled arseholes is quite extreme....

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2017 12:55

Keep well out of it. Your FIL is the husband and he calls the shots, end of discussion. If some people get upset, who cares? They'll get over it.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2017 12:58

If people are coming a distance then I think there should be some eats and drinks afterwards. If your fil doesn't feel up to attending then I think that's fine and people would understand.

SistersOfPercy · 14/08/2017 13:01

If folk want food they can find a McDonalds.

I used to laugh at my Mum and tell her to stop being so bloody morbid when she discussed this stuff, but when she died I went to the 'blue box' I'd been told to open and found every detail she wanted.

mummypeepee · 14/08/2017 13:05

Work in a restaurant near a cemetery and often have small family groups in for meal after a funeral. Not weird at all. Personally wouldn't want a wake for myself either

alltouchedout · 14/08/2017 13:07

Who cares whether people might think it's odd or rude or wrong or anything else? Your FIL doesn't want a post funeral gathering, he's pretty sure your MIL wouldn't have either. People's expectations are pretty meaningless. I'm glad he's got you and your DH to support him.
I'm sorry for the loss of your MIL, joojoo Flowers.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 13:09

To tell people who have bothered to make the effort to pay their respects to the deceased to go fuck themselves and consider them entitled arseholes is quite extreme....

No she said that about people who kick up a fuss about not getting a free sandwishe after. Not everyone attending. If everyone attending gives a shit about mil and fil they will be fine with it. And go get some foods for themseleves.

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 13:10

If people are coming a distance then I think there should be some eats and drinks afterwards

Read the thread. Its a small funeral. No one travelling a long way.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 14/08/2017 13:13

You can't grieve wrong.

People can only grieve their way and FIL is absolutely not obligated to fulfil any social coventions for the sake of others.

I would have a pretty low opinion of anyone who couldn't grasp this or was hoping for a free piss up

FuzzyCustard · 14/08/2017 13:14

Well said OP.

My DH is ill. If he doesn't make it I know there will be no "after party" after his funeral. Anyone who thinks that is odd can go do one. Anyone who feels offended ditto. I won't be organising any kind of catering for a bunch of hangers on and coffin followers, particularly those who haven't offered any support in life.

crumpet · 14/08/2017 13:14

Gorgo, I realise that. But even those who might be surprised not to be offered even a cuppa have still made the effort to pay their respects.

Gottagetmoving · 14/08/2017 13:20

There are no rules about having a wake and people should not have expectations.
Even if people have travelled many miles for a funeral they should not expect to be fed and nor should the immediate family feel obliged to entertain anyone.
You go to a funeral to pay your respects and should be respectful of how those closest want the funeral to go.