Is FIL BU to not want a wake for MIL?

[joojoobean99]

MIL sadly passed away a few days ago, and myself, FIL and DH are arranging the funeral. FIL says he doesn't want a wake, just a service and then burial. Is this normal? I kind of thought that people would expect a wake afterwards, but he's adamant that MIL wouldn't have wanted that and also he said he won't feel like being with lots of people after she's been buried (which I completely understand). We mentioned perhaps going out for a meal afterwards instead with just close family, probably only 5 or 6 people, and he seemed happy with this, but is adamant that there should be no wake.

Is this normal? If you went to a family members funeral and there was no wake would it be weird??

I've decided not to even have a funeral. I want direct disposal (my body taken from place A to crematorium) No funeral service, no wake.

I''m sorry for your loss, OP.

I think whatever FIL (and your DH) needs right now is what is important. Nothing stops less close people having a quiet few drinks at a nearby pub if they choose, but a meal for nearest and dearest sounds a lot easier on the most bereaved. As the saying goes, those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

joojoobean99 You mention that some of the family are local. Could any of them offer tea & toilets to travelling relatives after the funeral? Not a wake, more of a "comfort break"?

Personally I'm not into wakes anyway. I'm not into communal grieving. I'd rather go home and remember the deceased in my own way! I don't understand the whole "get together, drink, and tell rambling stories"

you should respect your fathers wishes for whatever reasons

it is my feelings as well when the time comes for my father funeral i am not putting on a "wake" for even close relations including my three brothers as my father has been ill for years and they dont even ask after him only sending him cards three times a year Birthday / Christmas and father's day He has 4 ( soon to be 5 )great grandchildren he hasnt even seen apart from photos on facebook The way i see it is they cant be bothered with him when he is alive so why should i have extra expense and sit and listen to them yalk about him when hes not here

OP, first of all can I offer you and your family my condolences at this difficult and sad time for you. Losing a loved one is never easy, and for you to handling this and supporting your FIL and DH when you are 8 months pregnant, and from what you've said, the horrible circumstances of your MIL's passing, must make it even harder to deal with.

I think that you need to go along with what is best for your FIL, your DH and you because that is the only thing that is actually important.

Funerals are a way for the living to say goodbye to those who have passed on, and should facilitate the needs of that family. Grief and how people deal with it is different for each individual person and will be different depending even on the circumstances of how they have lost their loved one.

I think there is a general 'social' expectation that there is a chance for people to gather after a funeral to talk together with maybe some light refreshment (I've never been to a funeral where there were people there getting drunk or gatecrashing), but I also think the key thing is you have to do what feels right for you and your FIL.

The funeral is for him and for your family.

I was thinking back to when my elderly mother died about 4 years ago after a prolonged and horrible illness. My husband and I and our DC didn't feel up to giving eulogies in the service, so we didn't. We spoke to our vicar and she did that part for us. I'm sure that some people there would have been surprised or shocked even by that but we just weren't up to it so we didn't do it. We had a short committal service at the Crem, then people traveled to the actual service at our church where the churchwarden kindly did tea and coffee for us, then because we nursed my mother and she died at our home, we had refreshments back at our house in her annexe and our garden. Alot of people couldn't come to see her when she moved in with us because she was so ill, so it felt like the right thing to do and we just did a low key and relaxed bring and share. I've never been to a funeral where that's been the case before, and possibly some people might have been expecting a big formal proper do, but my mother hated big social gatherings and for us it felt right to do it low key.

Her illness had been hard and terrible for her and for us to watch, so I wanted to remember and celebrate on all the good and wonderful parts of her life. The gathering was a chance for us, the rest of the family and my mother's carers and friends to reminisce together and say goodbye to the person she really was.

BUT WE ONLY DID IT LIKE THAT BECAUSE WE WANTED TO.

IF we had been feeling like your FIL and DH are right now, then we wouldn't have arranged the funeral as we did. And I wouldn't have been bothered who liked it or not.

Anyone who is going to your MIL's funeral would have to be pretty self centered to not respect that he and the family do not feel up to a gathering after the funeral. Yes they are going to pay their respects and say goodbye, but they should also be going to support your FIL, your DH and yourself. And if he doesn't want something afterwards with everyone there, then those people should be supporting him with that.

My thoughts are do what is feels right for FIL and yourselves, don't have anything afterwards, but just tell people when you are letting them know about the date and time of the funeral that there isn't going to be a gathering afterwards as your FIL and the family don't feel up to doing that and need a chance for privacy afterwards. I'm sure people would not have any problems with that and will sympathize with how you are all feeling. If anyone doesn't understand then frankly its their problem which says something about them as a person. They certainly aren't going to the funeral for the right reasons.

If your FIL doesn't feel up to a private meal afterwards, then don't. But it could be a good way for you all to support each other and to let go with emotions that will be bottled up while you get through the funeral.

There is no right or wrong way to handle a funeral or to grieve. At the end of the day, whether its going for a meal or a walk at her favourite place, or even sitting quietly at home you will find the best and most natural way, and whatever that is will be the right way for your FIL, your DH and for you.

Thinking of you at this time.

My mum has made it clear that when her time comes she doesn't want a wake. My grandad didn't have a wake, he wouldn't have wanted one.

My PILs have both passed away in the past 2 years and both had a reasonable large wake after as they had spent years running pubs and that's what they wanted.

It's personal choice

Holldstock- thank you for your kind message. Myself, FIL and DH are all very private people, so having any kind of social gathering is difficult for the 3 of us under most circumstances anyway (MIL was always the sociable one!). To have to think about arranging something when we've just lost someone incredibly important to the 3 of us is almost impossible. I am just about coping with the stress of organising the funeral and supporting FIL and DH, so anything else may just be too much for me whilst dealing with the pregnancy. I hope when family are told of our plans (or lack of) that they understand this and don't cause too much of a fuss. We live near to quite a few pubs so it'd be easy for someone else to arrange a drink after the funeral, but I don't think that should fall to me. FIL and DH are my priority.

If people coming are p#ssed off you arent laying on a spread then they are just freeloaders!

FIL has lost his wife, he wont want a party when inside he feels like hell. So any one that asks just tell them he isnt up to it.

When my dad died my mum refused a wake. She didn't want to be sobbing her heart out in a room full of drunken laughter and me and my sister were really young. So we just went home.

They arent expected, infact i find it odd to be expected to lay on food and drinks when you are grieving - surely there's enough to deal with without a party on top.

If it was me i'd rather not even go for a meal, i'd be too upset and not even want to eat. i mean if he suddenly gets upset in a restaurant and is the private sort it's going to be horrible for him. Maybe suggest meal at home or order in?

The idea that people would need to be informed because there is no biscuits or tea provided is laughable. How do these people manage in their day to day lives?

Whatever your FIL and family wish to do is right. Sorry for your loss.

A wake is actually before a burial where the coffin is in the room...a Funeral Tea is an unfortunate necessity as people have often travelled far to attend. We have people on Mumsnet being huffy about only being invited to a wedding service, I'd hate to think what would be said about a funeral. You could just have tea and sandwiches back at the house or in the church hall if it's a religious service. You could just invite those who've travelled a great distance. If he really can't cope, then you organize it and let him give it a miss.

I want to start with saying sorry for your loss.
Funerals are strange things. I find it weird to hear that people will be 'invited'. I've only ever known it to be announced and then whoever wanted to come and pay their respects would attend.
I think it's strange not to have a wake. Not because of etiquette but because lots of people enjoy gathering and sharing stories, to grieve. I do not want to sound harsh but your FIL and DH are not the only ones who have lost her. Arranging something for the people that do want to gather would be the right thing to do IMHO. But with the explanation that FIL will not be attending as he would (very understandably) rather be alone or just with you DH.
I also find it weird to request no wake for your own funeral. Funerals are not for the person that died... they are for the people that miss them to grieve.
It's a difficult time for you all.

I went to a funeral with no wake. It would have been easier if an announcement had been made, as had been suggested. The whispering questions amongst the attendees could have then been avoided. A lot of us just went to the local pub to get together anyway, and I believe the immediate family went home.

Just a nice afternoon tea is enough. We did my mum and dads at the tea rooms at the cemetery. Or maybe the funeral home can do it. It's nice for the older ones to catch up and share memories.

As you e said, it's not up to you, but I do think your DH should have a say along with any other children who have lost their mum. My dad died 18 months ago and my mum, bless her, tended to forget that two girls had lost their dad. The vicar was really good at including us. I found the tea party after a really nice way to remember him and hear great stories about him from his friends. It was therapeutic. Ask your DH what he wants.

Have a wake away from fil's house then he will gave a house to attend or not.

Whose house? The OPs? When her dh is devestated and happy to go along with his fathers wishes? When she is 8 months pregnant.

The OP and her dh want to be with fil. Not hosting people.

Op just needs to tell people. If someone else wants to organise something let them get on with it. Chances are they wont. And i bet non of moaners will organise something.

💐 sorry for your loss joojoobean99.
I get where your fil is coming from. I wandered aimlessly around my father's wake. It felt wrong for me too so I left.
Can the other mourners not get her together themselves if they know each other & chat about milk if they wish?

Mil not milk... sorry 🙄

I went to my friend's mum's funeral recently. She Invited everyone to congregate in a nice cafe across the road from the church beforehand (and she paid for our cakes and coffee). I thought it was a great idea because people could turn up when they wanted (and so limit or maximise the chance for polite chat), we got to use the loo, and then to walk over to the church in small groups. Lots of people were elderly and alone, so it worked perfectly. Close family went to the crem on their own after the service.

When my dad died many years ago my mum didn't want a wake. We (mum, sisters, dad's sister and her husband and mums brother who was dad's best friend) went home. What other people did I have no idea (I was 19 at the time and didn't think to ask).
Some people had travelled a long way too.

I don't think it's weird. And I don't think it's up to the OP or her DH or fil to arrange something. Just let everyone know there won't be anything after and point them in the direction of somewhere they can go if they wish.

While it is normal to have a wake, this is really up to FIL. If DH objects strongly, he should say but it is really between them.

People who are insensitive to the wishes of a grieving family do not need any consideration. My Step-father wanted only myself, my brother and adult grandchildren at my Mother's funeral. He insisted that nobody else should be told that she had died.

We did get flak afterwards from some family, one cousin even telephoning him to berate him. He said, "she has been sick for 4 years with not one visit from her family, not even a phone call to see how he was coping". Not sure how she reacted, but I had to admire him for his stance.

As it has been made a private funeral, invitation only I guess, the people can be made aware no kind of reception/wake afterwards. Not unheard of especially if known to be wishes of deceased.
Go with it.