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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can't afford it get a job?

200 replies

Unpopularopinion101 · 12/08/2017 20:10

We've had the bi-monthly call from Dp's cousin along the lines of 'ive got myself into a bit of trouble with the payday loan people again, could you lend us a few quid until the first'

For which we usually oblige and help him out, however I've recently had issues with my job and had to lower my hours so things are tighter for us and I've said it's not possible this time. However, his wife doesn't work. They've got a school aged DS and I can't understand why if they are struggling so much she doesn't get a job??

When speaking to him and apologising we couldn't help, I asked him if she'd considered working if things are tight and he said 'no she doesn't want to work while DS is so young' their son is 6 so hardly a baby - a lot of mums (myself included) have to go back at 6 mo as they can't afford not too, it's the sad fact of life these days for many of us.

I know childcares crippling but when your sons at school most of the day even a MW job could help?

I know it's not really my business but when we are constantly bailing them out with money I feel it is, and I feel like it's pure entitlement to think otherwise.

AIBU to think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can afford it and if not you should contribute to the household and stop getting into debt by getting a bloody job?

Name changed because I will probably get flamed!

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 12/08/2017 20:13

I agree with you whole heartedly.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2017 20:13

I agree with you but there will be those who come on here to shout that it is a right and the state and everyone else should pay.

I think it's a privilege and if you need the money, get a job.

Batoutahell · 12/08/2017 20:13

No, he should be embarrassed asking for money when there is a (presumedly healthy) adult in the house who could work. Actually, she should be embarrassed more than him. I wonder does she know how bad things are and that he's getting money off his cousin so she can not work.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 12/08/2017 20:14

YANBU, her child is well over the age she should get a job.

ThymeLordIsSpartacus · 12/08/2017 20:15

If they are asking you for money then they are making it your business. Unless there are reasons you haven't mentioned then she should of course get a job, if money is so tight.

kaytee87 · 12/08/2017 20:15

You're not wrong, especially with school aged children. I can see how it could be pretty much impossible for someone to work with preschoolers though.

LogicalPsycho · 12/08/2017 20:15

Then stop bailing them out, they aren't your problem.
What reason does she have to get a job, when her husband can just call up his Safety Net relatives for a handout when things are tight for them?

PickAChew · 12/08/2017 20:15

The payday loans are probably costing them more than her not working.

It's a tough cycle for them to get out of, if they're not willing to make some significant changes, but you wouldn't be helping them to do that by always bailing them out when you can ill afford to, anyhow.

Viviennemary · 12/08/2017 20:15

Don't lend them money. She's very cheeky even asking IMHO.

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/08/2017 20:15

I agree.
Wonderful if you have a choice, then people are free to make whichever choice they like.
If you can't make ends meet then you can't justify swanning around once your children are school age.

I don't know many mums that do stay at home once all their kids are in school. Most of us at the "school gate" are actually working in school hours/evenings/night shifts/ weekends.

TipTopTipTopClop · 12/08/2017 20:16

You're unreasonable to enable them. Why are you doing this?

EsmeWeatherwax · 12/08/2017 20:16

YANBU. If they're living on payday loans and borrowing from friends/family then yeah, she should at least be trying to find work while child is at school. And I speak as a SAHM.

Ilovefraybentos · 12/08/2017 20:17

Maybe there's more going on behind the scenes that they aren't open about. The DS being young thing could be the cover story. Just don't lend them money if it bothers you.

NancyJoan · 12/08/2017 20:17

YANBU. But STOP giving the cash.

dingdongdigeridoo · 12/08/2017 20:18

I agree. I know how tough it is juggling childcare, but there is always a way. When DS was small I took an evening job in a supermarket and DH worked 9-5 so we avoided nursery fees.

If DC are already at school then the after school club shouldn't be too expensive.

early30smum · 12/08/2017 20:19

YANBU at all. What I will say though, is some jobs/careers pay less than the cost of childcare (before/after school club, covering the holidays etc) which is why some people choose not to work with DC... YANBU at all to not help them though.

early30smum · 12/08/2017 20:20

Although, actually, I hadn't thought about night shifts.

Pizzaexpressreview · 12/08/2017 20:21

I don't know specific to your situation but o haven't found a way to afford to work yet.

afterschool childcare 15 per child. Before school 10 per child. Minimum wage job 54 for a full day.

AccrualIntentions · 12/08/2017 20:21

Completely agree. I also have no idea what people do all day once their DC are at school.

Original poster
Unpopularopinion101 · 12/08/2017 20:22

There is no SN or disabilities involved I maybe should have mentioned that. I wont be bailing them out this time, we previously have as didn't want them to go without when we could afford to help.

OP posts:
SummerRains · 12/08/2017 20:25

With one child they could afford before and after school care and at least work Sept til July and use both their holiday allowances to cover as much school holidays as possible.

PollyFlint · 12/08/2017 20:29

I couldn't pass judgement on whether it is or isn't the right thing for someone to be a SAHP - every situation is different and complicated and there are a multitude of factors to be taken into account, many of which nobody else would even know about. On the face of it, I'd have thought she could get something part time while the child was at school, even if only a few hours a week - but I obviously don't have the first clue what issues might be at play here.

They shouldn't, however, be asking you for money and YANBU at all to tell them no. If they are regularly asking you for loans, that's really not on.

JustHappy3 · 12/08/2017 20:29

Completely agreee - and i'm a sahm. We sometimes can't do things/buy things because there isn't enough cash - but these are luxuries not essentials. I wouldn't expect anyone else to bail us out of our lifestyle choice.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 12/08/2017 20:32

My youngest was 10 when i decided to go back to work having been a SAHM for 15 years.

BUT if at any point we hadn't been able to manage financially I would have gone back to work at that point. As it was I went back to work as I simply felt it was the right time for me.

A SAHM needs to be totally supported by a partner IMO, if they need loans or state benefits then they should get a job...

MelsMam · 12/08/2017 20:37

It's not a matter of affordability, though is it? Why should it be deemed acceptable for a woman live off a man, only if that man earns enough? Confused

Nursery aged kids, yes. Primary aged, no. And as for people nowadays having large families. I'm suspicious how they afford it and how environmentally conscious they are.