To think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can't afford it get a job?

[Unpopularopinion101]

We've had the bi-monthly call from Dp's cousin along the lines of 'ive got myself into a bit of trouble with the payday loan people again, could you lend us a few quid until the first'

For which we usually oblige and help him out, however I've recently had issues with my job and had to lower my hours so things are tighter for us and I've said it's not possible this time. However, his wife doesn't work. They've got a school aged DS and I can't understand why if they are struggling so much she doesn't get a job??

When speaking to him and apologising we couldn't help, I asked him if she'd considered working if things are tight and he said 'no she doesn't want to work while DS is so young' their son is 6 so hardly a baby - a lot of mums (myself included) have to go back at 6 mo as they can't afford not too, it's the sad fact of life these days for many of us.

I know childcares crippling but when your sons at school most of the day even a MW job could help?

I know it's not really my business but when we are constantly bailing them out with money I feel it is, and I feel like it's pure entitlement to think otherwise.

AIBU to think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can afford it and if not you should contribute to the household and stop getting into debt by getting a bloody job?

Name changed because I will probably get flamed!

Yanbu - I've become a sahp recently. It's been tight for money so I've now got an evening job. Yes I'm shattered all the time but I am spending more time with my kids which is what we wanted in the first place!

Of course they will gain from. holiday clubs - lots look ace - but if you're working nmw then they cost more than you earn if more than one kid. (See also before and after school care costing more than you earn on nmw)

People who think you can "just" do x often speak from a position of privilege.

I guess there are some fairly sensibly priced holiday clubs round here. I paid £70 for DD to do 5 days with a really really great club. And we're in SE.

Wow Xmas that's a huge difference! I've been looking here and both cm and afterschool clubs are 15 per child after school and before is on top. club at school is only 3 pounds but doesn't start early. cm is 10 per child per day.

I never thought I'd be struggling around counting the pounds to make it work but here I am and it shows it's so not straightforward.

pizza fair enough, I stand corrected.

I thought people on lower wages got help towards childcare?

Not if the partner earns above/on the limit for tax credits. I'm replying to the title question though as it's a situation I'm in rather than the OPs situation.

I fully expected to work when mine started school and have looked at retraining vs minimum wage etc. I have 2 degrees I wish i had qualified in something useful prekids!

In the majority of situations you will always be better off working imo. Especially if you have 6 hours per day where your children are cared for free of charge. When I went back to work and dc was 6mo I earnt NMW £7.50 an hour for 8 hours per day (£60 per day) my child was in childcare for 10 hours a day at £5ph with childminder (we're in London) which allowed me 2 hours for my commute to her which I didn't get paid for. I earnt £10 per day with my dc in childcare for 10 hours so I essentially earnt £1ph. However we didn't have a pot to piss in and that extra £50 per week/£225pm kept our heads above water. It wasn't ideal but the alternative was debt and food banks. I think we now live in a world of excuses tbh and while I don't judge people for decisions they choose, I am certainly not talking from a point of privelidge even though I've now luckily earnt my way up and we are financially sound. I got up and did everything I could to ensure we didn't end up in that situation and personally I couldn't stay at home with her and not earn allowing us to struggle further and putting the burden on DP. It infurated me further. As for the person who suggested we pay off the payday loan etc we've done it all before. We've been the 'payday loan' more than once.

Exactly OP, I barely broke even after communiting costs etc when I went back 4 days a week when mine were tiny. Now my childcare costs are much less and I have had several pay rises and I have renegotiated to flexible working. Plus, even when I wasn't making money I was still getting pension contributions etc.

When I went back to work and dc was 6mo I earnt NMW £7.50 an hour for 8 hours per day (£60 per day) my child was in childcare for 10 hours a day at £5ph with childminder (we're in London) which allowed me 2 hours for my commute to her which I didn't get paid for. I earnt £10 per day with my dc in childcare for 10 hours so I essentially earnt £1ph. However we didn't have a pot to piss in and that extra £50 per week/£225pm kept our heads above water.

What about your fares etc?

You give a good explanation of how marginal work can be but then you're so judgmental about it.

Those are rough choices to make. I wouldn't blame people for jumping either way in the preschool years if their wages are that low.

The choice is to think of the future surely?

Keeping a hand in the work place, gain experience and qualifications, training, networking, pension, adult company, all worth while even if you just break even.

It's doable and at least there is some leeway in there working patterns bit different of both were full time

What about bar work? 2/3 might a week adds up
Same with shiftbwork in factories
eBay selling

What ever it takes

I think that there's more than one way to skin a cat and that women are too judgemental of each other. Also that life on NMW must be hell in many ways and anyone trying to make that work in whatever way deserves sympathy (and a rate rise).

Luckily for me my train fares were a perk of the job so I didn't have to worry about that although god knows how we'd of done it if they weren't. It's not about being judgemental as I've said as long as you can afford to be at home go for it. I could have stayed at home and we struggle further and get into debt or I do what felt like the most unnatural thing in the world and leave my baby and do what I can to keep my earning potential up. The option was not there for me and at that time in my life being a SAHP would be a privilege. I bought in £50 a week over 50 hours but that was £50 a week we wouldn't have had otherwise. If you're struggling, you do what you can to fix it. I don't see how people like his cousins wife can sit around and not try to better their situation. To me, that is disrespectful and I wonder if it was the other way round and she was a man, if people would have said it straight to her to get a job

Once school age yanbu. Before that, it's essentially saying, only the well off have the right to raise their own children, the poor should shunt them into nursery before they're one. Which makes me very uncomfortable (especially since it's entirely possible to only have nurseries staffed by utter morons anywhere near you. Luckily not speaking from experience).

So you had £50 extra per week? So all it would take would be for childcare to cost a couple of pounds an hour extra, or for your transport costs to and from work to be slightly higher to make the whole thing completely pointless?

Wages, childcare costs, transport links and costs and job opportunities vary depending on where you live. You can't extend your one experience (in which you were only just barely better off) to saying that 'in the majority of situations you will always be better off working'.

transport, clothes and shoes for work...

Do they pay you back the money you lend them?

I'm a stay at home parent and think it's an insult that you think it is a privalage to be so. You have no idea.
My partner works full time I get tax credits which is the same amount if I work 20 hours a week. If I got a job my tax credits get taken off me and I would have to pay for child care which everyone knows is expensive or they have family members doing it for them, which I feel guilty doing as they are my children I should be looking after them.
I don't sit on my arse all day, I don't drive I walk my children to school, go get them bits in for my hubby and children's tea and dinner. I get home do husband's lunch and my lunch, do all the chores clean the house and have 20 mins sit down and then I am back out picking my children up from school. Get home and the it starts all over again tea , homework, and carry in with chores. This is every day Then have 2 hours left to chill if possible of a night time.

I love my life as it is but it's not just sitting doing nothing. I love being a SAHM being with my children is the best thing ever.
I've had jobs to try and get back out there and work but I am worse off as they take all the money off me. It much easier working believe me adult conversation, getting out of the house for more than 10 mins. Not having to worry about times for this times for that. Grandparents and carers are doing all that whilst we're working etc.
How about getting frozen to death waiting for your child or getting piss wet through when it's chucking it down. Oh yeh you won't do all this coz you will be in a nice warm office or shop whilst your child carer or parents ,in laws are doing it.

Basically don't judge the stay at home parent everyone struggles as you OP has noticed as you have dropped hours.

If someone is down on there luck me and my husband are there to help if we can and them for us.
If you don't want to lend money then dont. You don't know what it's like living in someone else's shoes so it's not fair for you to judge.

Even if your cousins partner had a job they would probably still be in this situation it just gets frowned upon because you know she is a SAHM. If she worked you probably wouldn't even bat an eyelid.
Least her children are cared for and she is there for her children and family 24/7 her children are soley cared for by her and not past around from pillar to post because of work commitments .

*TmiTuesdays

So you had £50 extra per week? So all it would take would be for childcare to cost a couple of pounds an hour extra, or for your transport costs to and from work to be slightly higher to make the whole thing completely pointless? *

That's right, and as I'm talking about a school age child let's deduct 30 hours of childcare p/w at £5ph equating to £150 p/w over 39 weeks p/y that equates to a saving of £5,850. So based on a FT job on NMW with a school age child and factoring in a 2 hour commute you'd be roughly £8,450 better off per year than not working at all.

So yes, I am finding it hard to see the excuses.

I have never judged SAHP, only those that put themselves into debt over fixing their situation.

As for the poster who's kindly listed what SAHMs do, that's great I've never done anything for my child as I work so thanks for enlightening me on what it takes to be a parent.

Benefits are separate situations although after working in benefits (at the time I was earning NMW) I do understand you will be better off working some hours in terms of benefits and overall income than not at all, and an advisor can explain how to you even if it's only 10 hours p/w.

I'll say it again I have never said there's anything wrong with SAHP and if I had the choice I would certainly have been one. But the way I see it, it is not a loan company or a council or a family member or a food banks role to pay for my child before I do something to better my situation myself

I don't see how people like his cousins wife can sit around and not try to better their situation. To me, that is disrespectful and I wonder if it was the other way round and she was a man, if people would have said it straight to her to get a job

Disrespectful? Disrespectful to WHOM?

Look just refuse to help further and step back.

You sound incredibly angry and as though you're nurturing a weird grudge against all SAHPs. Which is odd.

Good for you OP.

Going shopping, making dinner and lunch, collecting kids, ferrying them about plces, booking appointments etc are all pretty standard things that working parents also have to do, they just have to balance it all whilst doing 40 hours a week at work. As for standing around in the rain after school while I'm sat in a nice warm office. Try collecting your baby from childcare and ferrying a pram and bags across in the middle of winter to the station then navigating the trains and tubes at 6pm in the evening in London rush hour 5 days per week after a long day at work. And I'm the judgey one?

Judgey one? You're the batshit over invested one.

I think I might get a deckchair and ice cream to be comfortable while I watch you lose your shit over other people's life choices

I'm not going batshit but how can anyone see butterfly's message slating me for being at work and not say anything but state me for saying that someone who is in debt with 30 hours childcare a week paid for, who is asking me for money, should get a bloody job! This place is nuts.

They should not be asking you for money. Being a sahp means sacrifices to make it possible financially. Smaller house,rent or mortgage, fewer treats, fewer days out,holidays, cheaper car, etc etc. If you still can not afford it you need to work PT or more. You can not have all the advantages of both lifestyles.