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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can't afford it get a job?

200 replies

Unpopularopinion101 · 12/08/2017 20:10

We've had the bi-monthly call from Dp's cousin along the lines of 'ive got myself into a bit of trouble with the payday loan people again, could you lend us a few quid until the first'

For which we usually oblige and help him out, however I've recently had issues with my job and had to lower my hours so things are tighter for us and I've said it's not possible this time. However, his wife doesn't work. They've got a school aged DS and I can't understand why if they are struggling so much she doesn't get a job??

When speaking to him and apologising we couldn't help, I asked him if she'd considered working if things are tight and he said 'no she doesn't want to work while DS is so young' their son is 6 so hardly a baby - a lot of mums (myself included) have to go back at 6 mo as they can't afford not too, it's the sad fact of life these days for many of us.

I know childcares crippling but when your sons at school most of the day even a MW job could help?

I know it's not really my business but when we are constantly bailing them out with money I feel it is, and I feel like it's pure entitlement to think otherwise.

AIBU to think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can afford it and if not you should contribute to the household and stop getting into debt by getting a bloody job?

Name changed because I will probably get flamed!

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 12/08/2017 20:37

I would wonder if they are in a poverty trap.

She could find a job, but nearly all would not provide income until a month in, but school clubs etc would be payable from day one.

If they are borrowing monthly, as it is, that may not be possible. They might be drowning in debt. Starting work takes money, which is why they give you an overrun of benefits and interview/work clothing.

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/08/2017 20:41

I'd be pointing then in the direction of the local CAB office - because it hasn't been a one off - for all you know they could also be asking other family members for financial help!

TitusGibbonicus · 12/08/2017 20:44

Tiptoptiptopclop - bit harsh perhaps?

Nowt wrong with being good natured and helping people, nor with stopping that help when it becomes apparent that the piss is being taken.

maddiemookins16mum · 12/08/2017 20:45

YANBU, I was cross at the 'bi monthly' calls. FFS, when do people start looking out for themselves!!!

Genghi · 12/08/2017 20:46

A SAHP with a school aged child could work part time with no need for childcare. A few hours here, a few hours there. That's pretty much what my gran did. My guess is your cousin's wife either doesn't want to work or they get too many benefits for her to start.

hedgebitch · 12/08/2017 20:48

YANBU, they need a plan to sort themselves out ASAP. Using payday loans regularly (or at all!) is insane. If they needed help for upfront costs of childcare until she got her first month's pay, that would be one thing. (Though I'd be a bit worried about giving it to them in case they didn't use it as stated - they sound like a financial mess.) But their current setup isn't sustainable at all.

I'm about to go back PT and I do feel a bit crap about school age DD not seeing me until gone 6 at night, but I'd feel even worse if I was risking our financial stability - that matters for children too!

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 12/08/2017 20:51

YANBU.
I was talking to someone recently who was bitter than her ex-DH made her go back to work when her youngest DS was "only" 3 (he's now 20). I mean... Really? He took responsibility for the financial stability for your family for 7 years and you're annoyed he then asked you to contribute?
My DH and I contribute to the family finances equally, I went back to work after 9 months, wouldn't have it any other way.
If you can afford one income and it's both of your decision of course that's no one else's business, but the sense of entitlement you hear sometimes does annoy me.

Sashkin · 12/08/2017 20:52

It depends on where she lives - if she's somewhere rural there may not be a surfeit of part time, term time only jobs out there.

And not all schools have after school clubs or breakfast clubs. Those that do, at least near me, are very limited hours (8:30-16:00, which would be no use to either me or DH as I work 8-6 and DH has a long commute).

If her DS goes to bed at 7pm, she may feel that if she works full-time she would barely see him (DH and I both get home after 7 most nights). Would the childminder put him to bed every night? That's not very nice for him. She may feel that if she works nights or weekends instead, they'd have no family time.

I quite agree that they shouldn't be coming to you for money. But it's not unreasonable for them to have decided that it's not worth the cost to them as a family for her to go back to work. They should certainly be cutting their outgoings so that they can manage on one salary though, if that's the case.

formerbabe · 12/08/2017 20:56

A SAHP with a school aged child could work part time with no need for childcare. A few hours here, a few hours there

What about school holidays? Part time jobs during school hours are few and far between.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 20:56

Isn't she unlikely to be in the poverty trap with a school aged child?

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 12/08/2017 20:57

You can work 16 hours without it effecting benefits

Pigface1 · 12/08/2017 20:58

YANBU in your situation - that request is absolutely outrageous. And she could get for example a job in retail working morning shifts. But your thread title is (probably unintentionally) a little goady - because for a lot of women being an SAHM is not a privilege but a situation forced on them by the cost and availability of childcare.

Mysteriouscurle · 12/08/2017 21:00

So she doesnt want to work but theyre happy to take money off you when you have to work?

I didnt want to go back to work when dc was born but had to of financial necessity. Now im older im glad i did as I will have something resembling a decent pension should my dh not be around for any reason

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 12/08/2017 21:01

YANBU. It's not impossible for her to work part time and pay some child care. She just doesn't want to. Well given they can't afford to, tough, she needs to get a job. Don't lend them a penny again.

JaneEyre70 · 12/08/2017 21:01

They sound very incapable, OP. And lending them money just enables them to keep their heads in the sand. If one adult is capable but choosing not to work, well that's their choice but it doesn't have to impact on your family.

My DD has got 3 kids under 5, her DH works all week and she works evenings/weekends so that she can be a SAHM. She's permanently knackered, but happily goes out the house to get some adult company and give their kids a decent standard of living.

Original poster
Unpopularopinion101 · 12/08/2017 21:09

Exactly, I have a preschooler so clearly they don't think my 3yo is a too young for me to work when they're taking my money! Just winds me up, I don't mean to be toady but you can tell the strain he's under having to provide and make ends meet

OP posts:
BackforGood · 12/08/2017 21:10

YANBU, but this

We've had the bi-monthly call from Dp's cousin along the lines of 'ive got myself into a bit of trouble with the payday loan people again, could you lend us a few quid until the first' makes it sound like it is a bigger problem than being a few quid short.

When he says 'lend' does he pay it back ?
If so, would it not be a lot cheaper for everyone, long term, if you paid off the payday loan people, get him to pay you instead, and not be charged a billion % interest?
I would suggest either letting you help them by looking into their finances and helping them budget, or by giving them the number of a debt support group to help them.
You are only enabling them by letting them have the money each month.
Oh, and yes, if they are struggling, then she should be looking for some work - even something like a couple of evenings a week bar work, then presumably he will be home for childcare.

Dustbunny1900 · 12/08/2017 21:13

No way ,YANBU. I saved for a year so I could stay home w my baby til he was six months. now im going back to work weekends or evenings so my DH can watch the kids. There's usually a way, if you try.
Not working is all fine and good if you can afford it, but the minute you need money then maybe it's time to go back cause nobody owes you a loan or handout.
Good god the child's SIX!! Stop giving these people money op

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 12/08/2017 21:19

I have been a SAHM for nearly 6 years now and I am well aware that financially I am an untapped resource.

The great thing is when you haven't been working is that any extra money - even £50 per week from lunchtime supervising - is extra disposable income.

However I do think working can end up costing people in the short term if they're on certain benefits, especially those that get stopped immediately for 6 weeks whenever there is a change made.

SerfTerf · 12/08/2017 21:26

YANBU

EXCEPT that I've also met women who have been forced to become SAHMs because they are in low pay industries and can't afford to pay childcare and work at a loss.

So I don't think you can GENERALISE that SAHPing I said a privilege or a luxury. For some it's a necessity and a poverty trap.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 12/08/2017 21:29

Why is he phoning you? If he's got himself in to a monthly trap with the payday loan company shouldn't he be phoning them? He wouldn't be able to borrow any more money from them, but they do have the same duty to consider financial difficulties as other lenders.

If he had resorted to payday loans on a regular basis I would assume that his credit rating is poor already - so having a payment arrangement on a loan shouldn't adversely effect him too much.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2017 21:34

It's not a matter of affordability, though is it? Why should it be deemed acceptable for a woman live off a man, only if that man earns enough?

Of course it's about affordability? How can you think otherwise. And the op asked about stay at home parents, not stay at home mum, the same would apply for a man living off a woman.

If you can't afford to sustain yourself and your children you should get a job ( barring any disabilities, special needs etc) not live off other people or the state because you want to be there when the kids are young.

gavalaa · 12/08/2017 21:34

Completely agree.

Being a SAHP is a perfectly valid choice to make, but if you simply can't afford to live on one wage and are capable of working, then you should.

TheSparrowhawk · 12/08/2017 21:35

You're confusing two different things. Your cousin should not be asking you for money and you have every right to say no.

However in a capitalist society that doesn't value childrearing at all being a SAHM isn't a privilege, it's a very risky choice that could leave you unable to support yourself and your children. The idea that it's a privilege suits men down to the ground as they can carry on their careers and protect their financial security while having an unpaid childcarer and cleaner at home. If it were a privilege far more men would want to do it.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 12/08/2017 21:40

As far as being a SAHM goes - I don't know, it depends on many things.

Does he work Monday to Friday 9 to 5? If so, yes, she could certainly look for either an evening & weekend job or night shifts (and sleep while her child is at school in the day).

School holidays might be tricky but some employers will allow you to request which nights you work in any given week - not every week of course, but for example "could I work over the weekend as much as possible in the holidays please? Then DH can be with DS while I sleep." My experience is of care/nursing homes BTW.

However if he works changing shifts or works away from home sometimes then a NMW wage job may leave them worse off after paying for before & after school club and holiday care - compared to one wage & tax credits.