To think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can't afford it get a job?

[Unpopularopinion101]

We've had the bi-monthly call from Dp's cousin along the lines of 'ive got myself into a bit of trouble with the payday loan people again, could you lend us a few quid until the first'

For which we usually oblige and help him out, however I've recently had issues with my job and had to lower my hours so things are tighter for us and I've said it's not possible this time. However, his wife doesn't work. They've got a school aged DS and I can't understand why if they are struggling so much she doesn't get a job??

When speaking to him and apologising we couldn't help, I asked him if she'd considered working if things are tight and he said 'no she doesn't want to work while DS is so young' their son is 6 so hardly a baby - a lot of mums (myself included) have to go back at 6 mo as they can't afford not too, it's the sad fact of life these days for many of us.

I know childcares crippling but when your sons at school most of the day even a MW job could help?

I know it's not really my business but when we are constantly bailing them out with money I feel it is, and I feel like it's pure entitlement to think otherwise.

AIBU to think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can afford it and if not you should contribute to the household and stop getting into debt by getting a bloody job?

Name changed because I will probably get flamed!

Yanbu. Its a huge privelidge not to work. Absolutely huge.

For me it's not a privilege it's a sacrifice. Giving up financial independence, career, contact w the outside world and mental health

This is how I feel about working full time. DH is our sahp.

It's also a question of expectation and habit. Our young PA who was on minimum wage made it clear to everyone that she couldn't wait to be married and have kids so that she would never had to work again. She didn't like working, had no ambition and felt the money was rubbish for what she did. For her, becoming a mum was a get out clause from either having to set foot in the workplace.

For others, it's a logic choice because working would not make the family better off financially, when taking into account benefits vs childcare etc...

For others, it's a bit of both. For some, working will actually be easier, if they have an easy flexible relaxed job in a nice environment vs very demanding high maintenance kids. For many, looking after kids is a lot less stressful than dealing with a huge woakload and a boss who couldn't care less and expect the impossible.

Choice is a privilege...that is all.

Love the way that these threads go all over the place.

1. staying at home with a school child is fine . No one ever said it was easy.
2. keeping on asking to borrow money from someone is not fine
3. refusing to lend is fine

Simple really OP YADNBU .

What foxy said upthread is so true.

Society doesn't support women in this regard, pressurising them to work 40 hours a week on top of a range of caring responsibilities and running a home. And women continue to do the lions share of this, though men are getting better.

Neither option (sahm/wohm) is ideal.

Wohm you miss time with your children, farming them out to childcare which is often not as good as it could be. You also sacrifice personal time to yourself, which takes a huge toll too.

Sahm, you sacrifice economically and in particular your long term financial stability. You're also often derided as less worthy in a patriarchal society that only values work that's waged.

It's a shit system for women. No one is actually winning here. If we could work together to do something about it, rather than tear strips off each other in the internet, that would be time better spent.

Most retail and other NMW jobs don't allow you to work 'daytime only' or choose your shifts. You work when they need you, which, in my job, can be anywhere from 6.30 am to 10.15 pm. Not being available for some of these hours means you don't get the job.
Wish people would see NMW jobs as 'little jobs that women do'. Increasingly 'big jobs that men do' are becoming NMW. gets off high horse

Wouldn't. Bloody phone.

OP YADNBU. I don't understand how she hasn't experienced more pressure to return full time though. I work three days a week in a profession senior level job, because of the way it is structured I can't spread my hours over more days. So I work three very long days (often 12 hours) and my husband/ inlaws/ child care take us the slack. It is not uncommon for me to do 36 hours by Wednesday eve. I usually looked after my two children on thurs and fri but my youngest is due to start school in September and I'm looking forward to some down time, going on school trips, seeing friends etc as well as doing school runs etc. I have been inundated with people suggesting that now is the time to go full time ?!!! This despite most people agreeing my set up is pretty excellent, being financially secure and my husband contracting so he too can have periods of down time. All I am saying, is that I have been made to feel pretty lazy about my choices (despite being financially secure and having a known medical condition) .

Just to add, my DH is fully supporting me working 3 days, it's everyone else that seems to think I should be full time

It's so annoying that offices and other institutions are so inflexible really. Trying to find a part time job that doesn't pay peanuts is virtually impossible!

I am actually sat here with my mouth open at what @butterfly198615 has written! I am baffled that she describes picking her children up in the rain as such a hard chore! And as for making lunch....well, I really don't know what to say to that! I think if the things she describes are as difficult as it gets then she is very lucky!

If your financially secure and your set up works, I don't believe that anyone should ever feel pressured to work more/less, ever. The issue is when youre not, being a SAHP is not a right, and with one school aged dc if you're struggling - get a job!
I don't see NMW jobs as woman's jobs for the record, the reason I gave that example is that people often say 'it's not worth it on MW' so that's the worst possible situation, also I've never mentioned Sahm's only SAHP's as it can be dad's too.
Fact is life is hard for a lot of people these days, making ends meet can be a struggle for people who both work FT and those on one benefits income, but in life when life gives you lemons make your own lemonade, don't sit back, watch the lemons get mouldy to the point of no return and then complain you're thirsty and ask for someone else's bloody lemons. It makes no sense.

YANBU. I have a colleague who's always complaining that his family is short of cash, expects us to sub him for group meals out etc - his wife doesn't work and their children are 14, 12 & 10!! I would be ashamed in her position and getting myself any sort of job I could to get us out of trouble.

What's the cousin's situation OP?

For the record I didn't mean you specifically with the 'NMW jobs are women's jobs' comment, OP. Just the general preconception that a NMW job is completely flexible and perfect for women to fit around children. Some are, but most aren't, they are just jobs that no one values. Rather like child rearing. The perception that 'anyone can do it, therefore it's not worth kudos' bears a lot of resemblance actually, now I come to think of it...

I had a friend who chose not to work when her children were small (her job was shifts and wouldn't work)

She then said her 'job' was to make sure the house ran as efficiently and to spend as little as possible. There was no holidays and meals out etc. They lived within their means. She was fine about it as it was her choice.

Once children were older she retrained. Now there are lots of holidays and new cars - I admire the way she has done it - she says she still is very careful with money and she really appreciates all the treats now.

My SIL/BIL looked to us to financially support them when SIL quit working as working with children is 'impossible'.
I have a child, I work, I earn less than she did.
She has spent her SAHP time spending like she had a job and nearly lost their house a few times (she has a group of friends with very rich husbands and think it's not fair they don't have the same)

I told DH if he gave them anymore money I would leave - I don't work to support someone who can't be arsed to. Her children are in secondary (actually one has left) she's still 'too busy' to work and is happy to take money off elderly parents.
Some people have no sense of financial responsibility- they have no savings, no pension and a massive mortgage- she's ignoring all of that to be 'too busy' and even suggested working was beneath her - happy to take money off people who do though.

I've just spotted your username OP.

Why didn't you just title the thread "I want a fight"?

The cousin works in an marketing role, office job 9-5 type role. I think he's on a decent income but its an aexpensive part of the country, not 100% on what he actually does tbh!

Do they pay the money back that you lend them, OP? Or are they asking for handouts?

Do you think they will ask again?

I don't think SAHP's is something 'anyone can do' either, it's hard and you have to be a certain type of person to be able to do it but yes people do think like that. Jobs aren't always flexible but that's the same for everyone, I agree there should be more in place to help parents back into the workplace, definitely. And serf I stated in my op I changed my username because I was sure people were going to flame me - because a lot of people can't stand any Critisism to sahp, no matter what the situation.

I have family members like this. They used to be constantly on the phone asking for 10/20/30 every week. Every time you said no you got a guilt trip about taking food out of their child's mouth. Funnily enough whenever I went round there house there was alway money for fags/booze/take always/days out/holidays, etc. The more you gave them the more they wanted. If a friend tagged me on FB having a rare meal out or a treat I would get grilled about why I couldn't give them money as I obviously had it as though it was their entitlement and I had to give them every spare penny I earned!

Next time they call I would calmly explain that you are not going to be lending money ever and these phone calls where they keep asking you are very upsetting. However, I would offer them any non-monetary support.

AIBU to think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can afford it and if not you should contribute to the household and stop getting into debt by getting a bloody job?

Are you always so judgemental and rude? No, it is not a privilege that can be afforded, for some of us we have no choice and can't afford to work.
And I contribute to my household in many ways, thank you very much.

You have a personal problem with one family, why translate that into sweeping generalisations about other people you know nothing about?

Its so annoying that offices and other institutions are so inflexible really. Trying to find a part time job that doesn't pay peanuts is virtually impossible!
This ^^
I simply can't understand why when you do have a part time well paying job everyone tries to persuade you out of it.