To think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can't afford it get a job?

[Unpopularopinion101]

We've had the bi-monthly call from Dp's cousin along the lines of 'ive got myself into a bit of trouble with the payday loan people again, could you lend us a few quid until the first'

For which we usually oblige and help him out, however I've recently had issues with my job and had to lower my hours so things are tighter for us and I've said it's not possible this time. However, his wife doesn't work. They've got a school aged DS and I can't understand why if they are struggling so much she doesn't get a job??

When speaking to him and apologising we couldn't help, I asked him if she'd considered working if things are tight and he said 'no she doesn't want to work while DS is so young' their son is 6 so hardly a baby - a lot of mums (myself included) have to go back at 6 mo as they can't afford not too, it's the sad fact of life these days for many of us.

I know childcares crippling but when your sons at school most of the day even a MW job could help?

I know it's not really my business but when we are constantly bailing them out with money I feel it is, and I feel like it's pure entitlement to think otherwise.

AIBU to think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can afford it and if not you should contribute to the household and stop getting into debt by getting a bloody job?

Name changed because I will probably get flamed!

'Does she think raising kids is a doddle? '

I completely agree that raising children can be relentless, challenging and hard work. As well as fun and fulfilling.

However, sadly some young women do lack ambition in other aspects of life and pin all their hopes on bagging a partner and having babies. As a teacher I've witnessed this... teenage girls who don't aspire to anything else, which is sad because A) there are no guarantees it will happen and B) life is for living in many different aspects and anyone transcending one particular thing above everything else is missing out on what life has to offer.

Of course this isn't the majority I'm talking about... most 16 year old girls I come across nowadays have broader aspirations, but it's sad to see the opposite now and then

If we had heavily subsidised childcare in this country (as many other do) a true choice would be available to a wider range of parents.

If you are over qualified for Tesco you should've tweeted you CV - you don't have to list any

If they ask for Maths no English then you just put those surely?

M&S do partime work

And those whose say 'We both pay childcare' We'd still be £4000 worse off before putting food on the table

There is one job the cousin's wife could do which give her money and allow her to stay home for her child and that is to register as a childminder.

I am not going to address the ins/outs etc of being a sahp other than I am one and our family income is sufficient for us to live the way we want to.

However in no circumstances would we dream of asking for handouts etc.

I agree with the poster who suggests cutting off the money tap but who offers practical advice such as budgeting with them, help preparing a cv, help looking into registering as a child minder etc.

It is not unreasonable to be hacked off at being asked all the time especially in the circumstances described. Time to say no. Whilst they have this fallback position there has been no onus on them to consider other options such as employment for cousin' wife.

GreenTulips - you can only tweak your CV to a certain extent. You can get rid of part time study you did, but not generally full time because the years need to be accounted for. You can't list your GCSE and then have your first job 5 years after that just in case they think you were in prison during those 5 years or something.

I think the problem is that some people think anyone can walk into a low skilled job, but in reality there are so many people applying for them that employers can pick and choose and are likely to choose people with experience, even if experience isn't strictly necessary for the job. Student jobs are different of course. I doubt I'd be able to get a bar job at my age with no experience of that kind of work, but some people think anyone can do jobs like that.

I can never understand the logic of taking child care costs out the mothers wage. I worked, but my husband and I never looked at it like that, it never even occurred to us. It was always this is our joint income, this is the costs

I'm the same.

Even if childcare almost wipes out the mothers wage (as her wage seems to be the default option) if you can still live on the DH/DP's income then why not still go to work?

I can see though why women would give up work if it their monthly income was only £100 or so after childcare because they may think what's the point in me going out to work and paying someone to look after children when our household income would hardly be any different if I just stayed at home myself?

There will be women who still want to work even if the equivalent of their wage is wiped out by childcare because they love their job, they need to do something else than just "be mum" all day or because they look at the bigger picture....I.e the consequences of not going to work: pensions, losing financial independence, the damage of taking a career break etc.

Like I said that's only the half off it. Non of you can judge another person's life and shouldn't.

Hard life doing what I have said above there is far far more to it than that.
I have worked a bunch of jobs
And working is much easier than being a SAHP in my opinion.
Don't lend money if you don't like too and then that is the end of it.

YANBU. I was technically a SAHM but there were periods when money was tight and I had to work p/t in a variety of fairly menial jobs so we could make ends meet. At one time I was BF-Ing my 6 mo at 7pm driving to the local supermarket to do a 4 hour shift and then getting home at 11.45pm to do the final night feed.

Posted too soon, the list I mentioned of what I have to do in the day being a SAHP was to another poster who said "I don't actually know what SAHP do all day when there kids are at school " something along those lines anyways

I think the problem is that some people think anyone can walk into a low skilled job, but in reality there are so many people applying for them that employers can pick and choose and are likely to choose people with experience, even if experience isn't strictly necessary for the job.

True! Asda et al have people with retail experience to choose from, so they do. It's not the slam dunk it was 10 or 15 years ago.

I've a profession and have kept working, so fortunately I'm not in the position where I need to look for NMW work. But if I did, I'm not sure I'd actually be able to get it. I've never worked in retail. My bar, cleaning and waitressing experience is all well over a decade old. I have back problems that mean care home work would be beyond me. There's a call centre near me that tend to take pretty much anyone, but I worked there about 13 years ago, didn't understand any of it and we, erm, came to a mutual agreement that I'd be better suited elsewhere. So if they still have that on record, I probably couldn't even get in there either! I can find work in my profession easily enough, but NMW would be a different story.

Unlike the OPs SIL, I've spent the last few years working PT around my kids, rather than SAHing. But those years have given me pretty much exactly the same level of preparation for unskilled work, which is none.

None of this means OP should feel obliged to get involved though, or that she shouldn't be insulted at the diss.

People seem to think it's so easy to get a job in retail...it actually isn't at all.

Do you know why they are struggling? Is there not enough money coming in or are they not very financially savvy? I would offer practical non-monatary assistant. Would they be open to help with budgeting or money saving tips (they may not be)?

I recently saved £50 off my cable/telephone/broadband bill just by threatening to leave. I also saved £30 per month of my electricity bill as I rang up to tell them it was too expensive - magically a cheaper tariff was available. I always change my car/house indurance provider every year (and try to get cash back). Any shopping online shopping I try to do through a cash back website and try to get free delivery, etc.

To the poster who asked why you wouldn't continue to work if it doesn't actually cost you more money than you make, many women want to be be sahp because they see it as valuable and don't want to give that up unless it is going to be properly financially beneficial.
I know in the long term it is, but if you really want to be a sahp, have a job you might not love rather than a career, it is pretty soul destroying to keep on working and not even make a decent profit. Obviously lots of people have no choice and that tiny bit of extra money is essential but where there is a choice, you can't really blame women for not wanting to continue woh

Yanbu at all. No judgement whatsoever on either option of SAHP or WOHP but both choices involve sacrifice and you have to choose what to sacrifice. She wants to pick the benefits of being a SAHP and then avoid the hand-in-hand sacrifice by taking money from a family member who chose the WOHP route (thus effectively trying to make YOU suffer both the down sides of WOHP and also shouldering the financial sacrifice for her being a SAHP) so that she gets the best of both worlds and you get the worst of both. Fuck that. Absolutely not. I don't know why you have funded them before but it should stop right now.

Re. pensions I'm sure I've read (maybe here) that people who don't work can get NI contributions paid for them even if they don't qualify for JSA. You can also make voluntary contributions if you can afford it.

Gwenhwyar- I'm sure most people citing pensions on here are referring to occupational pensions, which employers also co tribute towards and which are only active when you're actually working.

Of course everyone is eligible for state pension too (but that's pretty crap and doesn't kick in until you're much older)

And of course anyone can pay Into a private pension if they have spare cash every month. But The ones people give as one of the reasons for remaining in work are the occupational ones

Yes, exactly babbity - I contribute 6.8% of before tax salary and then my employer contributes double that. So that's a sizeable amount of money I am earning but which doesn't come into my bank account.

Workplace pensions still haven't come in everywhere have they? I know they have to implement them by a certain time, but it's not something that would have been relevant to everyone.

I thought they had now?

Yes, there are certain conditions but basically every employer has to offer a workplace pension now

Says by 2018 on this website. Employers will have to provide a workplace pension for eligible staff by 2018. This is called ‘automatic enrolment’.
www.gov.uk/workplace-pensions-employers

I don't know if all small employers have done it by now.

Yeap that's it. Very sensible legislation too. I suspect the state pension will be pretty much non existent by the time my kids are pensioners. I'm encouraging them to remain in their pension (only relevant to one at the moment as 2 still students)

Yes 'be

Yes I've been being warned since law school (15 years ago!) to assume there won't be any state pension by time we retire and plan accordingly. Always paid into my pension even when I was so ill I could only do a very part time low paid job.

You can't be expected to bail them out, the once maybe, but they are taking advantage. They need to get themselves in order, whether that means her working or finding other ways to cut down the expenses if they haven't the income. All the time they're using you she won't see the need to get a job! It's certainly not your problem and you've been more than helpful already.