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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can't afford it get a job?

200 replies

Unpopularopinion101 · 12/08/2017 20:10

We've had the bi-monthly call from Dp's cousin along the lines of 'ive got myself into a bit of trouble with the payday loan people again, could you lend us a few quid until the first'

For which we usually oblige and help him out, however I've recently had issues with my job and had to lower my hours so things are tighter for us and I've said it's not possible this time. However, his wife doesn't work. They've got a school aged DS and I can't understand why if they are struggling so much she doesn't get a job??

When speaking to him and apologising we couldn't help, I asked him if she'd considered working if things are tight and he said 'no she doesn't want to work while DS is so young' their son is 6 so hardly a baby - a lot of mums (myself included) have to go back at 6 mo as they can't afford not too, it's the sad fact of life these days for many of us.

I know childcares crippling but when your sons at school most of the day even a MW job could help?

I know it's not really my business but when we are constantly bailing them out with money I feel it is, and I feel like it's pure entitlement to think otherwise.

AIBU to think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can afford it and if not you should contribute to the household and stop getting into debt by getting a bloody job?

Name changed because I will probably get flamed!

OP posts:
FoxyinherRoxy · 13/08/2017 00:18

Sadly our society isn't geared up to support parents (mainly mothers) who do the bulk of the childcare, running of homes, care of elderly parents and are meant to work 40+ hours a week.

Flexible working, support for re-entering the workplace after a career break, pay and status equality lost during maternity leave. It's all stacked against us.

Work, don't work: neither option is ideal, but for the love of god, don't criticise others for their choices.

This should be about your DPs cousin asking you for money OP, but you've firmly made it about his partner who you don't deem sufficient. Go to work, it's that easy? It really isn't.

But good for you for getting it right. 🏅

Original poster
Unpopularopinion101 · 13/08/2017 00:19

^ that is exactly my point. If you can't afford to survive and meet basic needs when out of work, you get a job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unpopularopinion101 · 13/08/2017 00:20

That was to black.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 13/08/2017 00:31

If it were a privilege far more men would want to do it
I think having a sahm can be seen as a privilege by men, it doesn't mean they want to be one themselves, having one shows they earn sufficient to enable this.

GreenTulips · 13/08/2017 00:34

When I was at SAHP most of the other day at home Kim's were also child minders

Others were dinner ladies or worked cleaning aircraft, another stacked shelves in Sunday's, there is work if you're broke and need the money

Jumba1aya · 13/08/2017 00:38

It's their choice. If they want to be scrape by that's up to them. If they want to get a job they can get a job. It's not really your business to decide they should get get a job or not but it is your business to decide whether you should lend them money or not.

notangelinajolie · 13/08/2017 00:53

For some, I think it is a choice. My friend has a car, pays for insurance, petrol, road tax and maintenance. She pays for train tickets to get to work. She buys clothes for work, She buys lunches for work. She looks lovely, has her hair cut at the hairdressers every 8 weeks and wears make up. She pays a childminder to look after her children. She likes people, enjoys her work and finds it very fulfilling It is her choice - she prefers to work even though financially she is worse off. The cost of all those things more than wipes out her wages. I'm much more low maintenance and I don't have or do any of the above so for me being a SAHM was the right choice for me.

Dustbunny1900 · 13/08/2017 01:28

For me it's not a privilege it's a sacrifice. Giving up financial independence, career, contact w the outside world and mental health. For those who love it, I salute you, maybe I'm too selfish. I love my babies but it's HARD mentally and financially.
However you need to be making those sacrifices not expecting others to, which is what your cousins doing. It's obviously not working for them so changes need to be made . They need to figure it out.

EmiliaAirheart · 13/08/2017 03:33

notangelinajolie, honestly, what a dumb post. Is buying food, clothing and transport so frivolous for you? It couldn't possibly be that your friend's career is contributing to society in its own way, and she's willing to cop a hit in the short term to secure her career and provide for herself financially in the long-term? No, surely it's all because she loves to get her hair trimmed regularly. FFS, you're really letting your own side down there.

Cherrytart6 · 13/08/2017 07:08

I know some people that work when they have toddlers/babies. They say they wish they could afford to be a SAHP but can't afford it. It sometimes boils down to priorities because some of my friends have such an expensive life styles (huge food bills, takeaways and eating out, upgrading TVs/gadgets/cars a lot, expensive holidays and xmas/birthdays, small mortgages, latest fashions for clothes, expensive hobbies). Personally I think each to their own. However some people can't actually afford to work because of childcare costs when the kids are little.

With the youngest child being 6 though it's more practical to find some work. What sort of work may depend on if there's wrap around care and how long it runs. Did the wife have a proffessional job before children? Does she want to return to the profession? I can see she might dig her heels if she is returning to a full on profession like teaching but expected to run the house alone and do all the childcare. But yes generally 6 is a good age to return to the workforce.

embo1 · 13/08/2017 07:09

It would be worth her getting a job come September for the 30 hours free childcare. (Unless I've got the wrong end of the stick)
Do they pay you back?

Cherrytart6 · 13/08/2017 07:14

They shouldn't be asking you for money but it is their choice. Their priorities are different

ShowMePotatoSalad · 13/08/2017 07:20

Well it works both ways.

If it's a privilege and only for those that can afford it, you can't class being a SAHP a job. Because obviously if it's just a luxury it's not needed. So in that sense you would not be unreasonable. But if being a SAHP is more than just a luxury for the wealthy and actually something which may benefit children then YABU.

Darkblueskies · 13/08/2017 08:16

"It much easier working believe me adult conversation, getting out of the house for more than 10 mins. Not having to worry about times for this times for that. *Grandparents and carers are doing all that whilst we're working etc.
How about getting frozen to death waiting for your child or getting piss wet through when it's chucking it down. Oh yeh you won't do all this coz you will be in a nice warm office or shop whilst your child carer or parents ,in laws are doing it."

So it's harder to be a SAHM because you have to stand out in the rain and cold??

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2017 08:25

I can never understand the logic of taking child care costs out the mothers wage. I worked, but my husband and I never looked at it like that, it never even occurred to us. It was always this is our joint income, this is the costs.

If anyone had suggested to me the child care costs should be viewed in relation to my salary alone I'd have thought they were barking and stuck in the 1950s. It's maths we simply never did. We also never looked at if in relation ro his salary alone. But then both of us wanted to work and didn't need a justification not to.

Pizzaexpressreview · 13/08/2017 08:30

Bluntness - if for one person to return to working would cause an overall drip in income, ie it would cost them to go to work then why is it hard to understand that a couple might not make that "choice."?

NataliaOsipova · 13/08/2017 08:33

It's not really your business to decide they should get get a job or not but it is your business to decide whether you should lend them money or not.

This is it in a nutshell. If it irks you to lend them money, then don't. That's entirely fair enough.

Ktown · 13/08/2017 08:38

Even if childcare wipes out your salary - this is only temporary. Your salary will go up and childcare isn't forever.
I work full time, albeit flexibly, but I think for most people part time work is the best of both worlds.

Pizzaexpressreview · 13/08/2017 08:41

It depends. If you're looking at returning /starting nmw work it's not likely to go up tons or make a lot of difference.

Yes of course if its an established career.

It really isn't as black and white as people like to think

Bluntness100 · 13/08/2017 08:44

Bluntness - if for one person to return to working would cause an overall drip in income, ie it would cost them to go to work then why is it hard to understand that a couple might not make that "choice."?

Because it's generally short term, it can be damaging mid to long term in regards ability to get back into the work place, it can hinder career progression, because it's seldom compared to the fathers wage, even when the father earns roughly the same as the mother and because childcare is a joint expense in my view.

I have never ever seen it as one person, specifically the mothers, responsibility. Never have never will.

1ndigo · 13/08/2017 08:45

Yes I agree that if they're asking you (and /or others) for money on a regular basis, then clearly their financial situation is not viable and she should get a part-time job to cover the shortfall. She could still be there after school for the child and they only have one Hmm
Maybe the truth is that he prefers her at home - this can often be the case? If so, he needs to have a clear plan to get work that's more highly paid.
I've been a SAHM for many years and yes, I do see it as a luxury. I would be mortified at having to ask anyone for handouts and would most certainly get a job - any job - in those circumstances.

PuckeredAhole · 13/08/2017 08:50

People want it all and they want it all now. Many don't realise that when you have young children your finances take a hit and you might only break even due to childcare costs. However, you have to look at the bigger picture, the long term. Women have got to keep their toes in the world of work. If they lose that then it has a knock on effect on pensions, self esteem etc.

In the long run people start earning more, kids grow up. You are not in a cask strapped situation forever. It's temporary but people don't want to do that oftentimes.

Original poster
Unpopularopinion101 · 13/08/2017 08:52

It's more the logic I don't understand, I know it's not my right to decide if she should get a job and I'd never say to her or any parent to get one. NMW is not forever if you work your way up and even if it is, having a job on MW while your child is at school still brings in a decent income and speaking from experience if you're on the breadline every penny to help is a life saviour and makes a different. I think it's an entirely different situation for younger kids as a lot of people wouldn't see the point for £50 etc and I don't blame them or judge for that at all, if the extra £50 wouldn't make a huge difference then there's not much point. I know SAHP's do a lot, and I'm not saying it's pointless to do it I think it's a very valuable job but if you can't afford it then it's not a 'right' imo to be a SAHP, it is a privelege if you can afford it once dc are school age. It's sad that it's only feasible for those on higher incomes but that's just life And a lot of things in life that people would like to do are only available to the wealthy.

OP posts:
PuckeredAhole · 13/08/2017 08:58

butterfly you're hardly a martyr. It doesn't sound like you've got a hard life. Many women fit your day around their jobs. Does that make them superwomen?

I guess different people have different interpretations of what is hard work!

OhHolyFuck · 13/08/2017 09:04

I don't drive. I walk my children to school, go get the bits in for children's tea and dinner. I get home do my lunch, do all the chores, clean the house and have 20 mins sit down and then I am back out picking my children up from school. Get home and the it starts all over again tea , homework, and carry in with chores

Ditto. Then I go to work. Do I win some sort of medal for having butterflys incredible hard life (including pick ups in the rain!) and a job?!