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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can't afford it get a job?

200 replies

Unpopularopinion101 · 12/08/2017 20:10

We've had the bi-monthly call from Dp's cousin along the lines of 'ive got myself into a bit of trouble with the payday loan people again, could you lend us a few quid until the first'

For which we usually oblige and help him out, however I've recently had issues with my job and had to lower my hours so things are tighter for us and I've said it's not possible this time. However, his wife doesn't work. They've got a school aged DS and I can't understand why if they are struggling so much she doesn't get a job??

When speaking to him and apologising we couldn't help, I asked him if she'd considered working if things are tight and he said 'no she doesn't want to work while DS is so young' their son is 6 so hardly a baby - a lot of mums (myself included) have to go back at 6 mo as they can't afford not too, it's the sad fact of life these days for many of us.

I know childcares crippling but when your sons at school most of the day even a MW job could help?

I know it's not really my business but when we are constantly bailing them out with money I feel it is, and I feel like it's pure entitlement to think otherwise.

AIBU to think being a SAHP is a privilege if you can afford it and if not you should contribute to the household and stop getting into debt by getting a bloody job?

Name changed because I will probably get flamed!

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 12/08/2017 21:41

Also, many people seem to miss the fact that if women didn't have children the human race would come to an end. Having children is literally the most vital thing to ensure the survival of the species and yet it's treated as some sort of silly choice that women shouldn't make if they can't afford it. The fact that you can earn a living from killing people but not from creating and raising them shows how fucked up our world is.

RainbowDashian · 12/08/2017 21:42

I think it's more of a sacrifice than a privilege or perhaps just different priorities/circumstances. If you don't want to give them money then don't. It's got fuck all to do with one of them not working, just say no.

SerfTerf · 12/08/2017 21:42

If it were a privilege far more men would want to do it.

That's a good point.

BackforGood · 12/08/2017 21:46

Not sure what you are on Sparrowhawk, as nobody has said anything about whether the cousin should have had a child or not, the question is about whether a couple who are not surviving within their means ought to make the effort to go out and earn enough to cover their outgoings, or whether they should expect relatives to bail them out.

lastrose123 · 12/08/2017 21:46

I was a SAHP until my youngest started school. I was very fortunate to be able to do that but paying for childcare made going back to work not financially viable. however it became inevitable once we were getting weekly phone calls from the bank. Much to do with my husbands extravagance whilst we lived like church mice at home. When I first returned it was 15 hours a week to begin with which meant I could concertina my hours in the school holidays. We were often struggling finically but we saw that as our responsibility to pay our own loans back. As time went by my hours increased.

TheNightmanCometh · 12/08/2017 21:49

As other posters have said, you can't describe something as a privilege when there are people doing it who don't want to and have been forced by circumstances.

In your cousin's specific scenario, since they evidently can't manage on the money they have coming in, assuming there is work and suitable childcare available locally (both big ifs), yes they should be choosing that option rather than trying to get money off you instead. Actually, even if there isn't work or childcare available, it still shouldn't be up to you to fund them. But YANBU in that respect, nor to be pissed off that they've said it's not ok for their 6 year old not to have a SAHP, but apparently money earned by parents with a 3 year old is good enough for them!

TheSparrowhawk · 12/08/2017 21:49

I'm not on anything BackforGood. If you read my post you'll see I said that the cousin shouldn't be asking for money. The rest of my post was in response to idea of SAH as being a privilege. It can only be seen as a privilege in society where childrearing is seen as a sort of nonsense hobby that doesn't deserve any time or financial support.

rainbowduck · 12/08/2017 21:50

I am a sahm (due to having a special needs child and a crazy, intense therapy schedule). Before that I worked as a teaching assistant as that meant I could work and be there for kids during holidays (we live a very long way from our families and so have no support). Things are tight, but we accept that is how it will be until the kids are bigger. If we are in desperate need, we know we can ask our parents for help and pay them back. Thankfully, we have only had to do that twice in 8 years, but I know we are fortunate to have parents in a position to help us.

YABU to generalize all SAHM as those having a privileged lifestyle.

YANBU to not lend the money.

YABU to mix the two.

Octopus37 · 12/08/2017 21:51

Well said Sparrowhawk, I am self-employed and work around my kids and I know that I am guilty of seeing looking after my kids as basically unpaid work that nobody values, when it really should be valued. It's almost impossible to get term time only or school hour jobs, v difficult all round, also wages are low, there's no easy answer. Work from home opportunities which are actual ok and not MLM or scams are few and far between. Luckily for me my DH is a train driver so I get free travel and can work using apps on my phone and do mystery shopping. Holiday times are v hard though, childcare cancels out earnings and when kids dont want to do clubs, that is hard as well as it is difficult to literally spend no money. No easy answer cause I dont think that majority of women prefer to stay at home as a longer term thing cause it is so undervalued and difficult mentally. Very true about men getting to protect their financial security, tbh I find this difficult with my DH, it being a SAHP was so great more men would want to stay at home and bring up kids.

timeisnotaline · 12/08/2017 21:51

School age, yes. Earlier than that many wages don't cover childcare so people are stuck between a rock and a hard place. (I can't imagine it's that easy to find shift work when the partner is home, and I don't think working night shift and looking after small children all day is a valid option)

TipTopTipTopClop · 12/08/2017 21:51

Also, many people seem to miss the fact that if women didn't have children the human race would come to an end. Having children is literally the most vital thing to ensure the survival of the species

The survival of the species is now dependent upon the population contracting. No one is doing anyone a favour by having kids.

TheSparrowhawk · 12/08/2017 21:52

'The survival of the species is now dependent upon the population contracting. No one is doing anyone a favour by having kids.'

Total bollocks. If everybody stopped having children it would be an utter disaster on a monstrous scale.

Pizzaexpressreview · 12/08/2017 21:55

time is - I though that would be the case but mine are both school age - 30 qyod for both in after school and 20 for both in before school make it cheaper not to work than work for nmw. I was shocked as I'd fully expected to find work.

elevenclips · 12/08/2017 21:56

Yabu for your sahm generalisation.

Also yabu for "helping them out". You are just enabling them and then complaining about it. My uncle continually asks any family member he can for money Hmm. He lives way beyond his means. He lives as though he's pulling in six figures Confused.

Say no, don't do it again and stop judging all sahms.

PoppyPopcorn · 12/08/2017 22:08

Totally agree.

I am mostly a SAHM - I work part time for myself at home (not flogging aloe vera shite) but only around 12 hours a week. I am not working full time because DH earns enough to let us choose this lifestyle. If the financial situation was different, I'd be working full time.

(As for the "i don't know what women do all day when their kids are at school", use your imagination. I try to get out for a 5 mile walk every morning, do 8 hours a week voluntary work, online learning, plus all of the housework, cooking and ferrying childen around for appointments)

TmiTuesdays · 12/08/2017 22:28

The whole 'oh, she can just go and find a part time job' thing. I've been trying for a long time to do that. In my area they are very few and far between- if a woman has a FT job before having a child she can potentially negotiate to do PT hours but to actually get a job advertised as PT from the start is all but impossible. And a minimum wage part time job is unlikely to pay for after school care and childcare during holidays. Yes they're BU to keep hitting you up for cash. But 'just get a job' isn't always so simple.

AccrualIntentions · 12/08/2017 22:38

(As for the "i don't know what women do all day when their kids are at school", use your imagination. I try to get out for a 5 mile walk every morning, do 8 hours a week voluntary work, online learning, plus all of the housework, cooking and ferrying childen around for appointments)

Oh ok, so the things those who work full time fit around work. Thanks for clarifying.

FoxyinherRoxy · 12/08/2017 22:56

Because of all those term-time jobs which pay so well to cover school holiday childcare Hmm

Yours is a bit of a simplistic view OP, where you are making this about your DPs cousin's partner being at fault, when in fact you are pissed off at yourself for being a soft touch and bailing your cousin out.

Raising your own child should be a right, not a privilege. Sad state of affairs that this isn't valued.

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/08/2017 22:59

Between two parents, most families should be able to cover most of the holiday childcare??

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/08/2017 23:00

Tmi - I applied for a full time job and then negotiated part time hours when it was offered. Several of my friends have done the same.

Pizzaexpressreview · 12/08/2017 23:01

2 x4 weeks holiday is 8 (assuming not even taking a week off together!)

kids are off 13 weeks plus inset and sickness.

user1497863568 · 12/08/2017 23:02

Yeah, no way. YANBU. They are basically asking you to finance that decision and that's not fair.

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/08/2017 23:02

Do most people only get 4? I thought about 25 days was average?
Plus options like childcare swaps with friends etc. And most school age children are going to gain a lot from a week or two at holiday clubs

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/08/2017 23:05

"Raising your child should be a right not a privilege"
Really? Over the long history of time most (nearly all) mothers will have done some form of "work" (pre gadgets just running a house was a very occupying job- hand washing, all cooking for scratch)

Plus we are talking about school age children; not tiny babes in arms here. my chikdren go to school but I still "raise" them.

Xmasbaby11 · 12/08/2017 23:06

Breakfast club and after school club together is only £12 a day here. It must be hard if childcare is dearer.

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