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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate bloody MAN HOBBIES

209 replies

1wokeuplikethis · 08/08/2017 12:51

My husband has one of those expensive hobbies (LTB immediately, I know) which takes him off for nearly a whole day at a weekend if he wants wants to fully embrace it. I encourage it because what's good for him is good for us and he is wholely supportive of me getting some hobby to do (I don't have any, can't think of any, my hobby is spending time as a family).

As a SAHM to a 4 & 1 year old (who don't go to nursery) and with a husband who works full time 9-5, I actually dread these weekends because it cuts into our family time massively and it's more of me doing the same thing I do every day of the week (clue: being run ragged). I was supportive of him taking up the hobby because I love him basically. But my teeth are hurtin from gritting them as I say 'oh this weekend? Yeah no problem' and acting breezy. I have told him how I feel and he is considerate aka doesn't go every single weekend & gives me plenty of notice and we do things as a family the rest of the weekend.

I just don't like it!

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/08/2017 12:52

Book a spa day?

MumBod · 08/08/2017 12:52

Tell him.

You'll get resentful if you don't.

TheNaze73 · 08/08/2017 12:53

Did he do this before you agreed to marry him?

LilyRose16 · 08/08/2017 12:54

Just because you don't have hobbies doesn't mean he shouldn't have hobbies! Why not try and find something that interests you so that you can alternate both your hobbies at the weekend?

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 08/08/2017 12:54

Why do you say 'no problem' if it is a problem?

nikiforov · 08/08/2017 12:55

Mobbies. Can we call them mobbies?

I agree with you picking up some kind of hobby/spa day/whatever as well. And talk to him about it that while you want to support him, it's getting hard being stuck on your own for another day of the week doing EVERYTHING and you'd appreciate him picking up the day before or something like arranging childcare for them on the day off.

ilovesooty · 08/08/2017 12:55

You really cannot envisage pursuing a hobby for yourself?

Huffletuff · 08/08/2017 12:58

Buy him an Xbox - apparently he'll never want to leave the house again Wink

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/08/2017 13:00

I was joking about the spa day!!

Brittbugs80 · 08/08/2017 13:00

I encourage it because what's good for him is good for us

I was supportive of him taking up the hobby because I love him

I actually dread these weekends because it cuts into our family time massively

So he's going to this hobby because you encourage it and want him too and you say it's good for him which is good for you.

You can't be annoyed at him for doing exactly what you have told him and supported him to do.

You need to tell him that actually you don't support him and he needs to stop. No point seething and gritting your teeth because of your own actions.

thethoughtfox · 08/08/2017 13:01

Why doesn't the four year old have a few mornings at nursery?

Ifailed · 08/08/2017 13:01

There are plenty of women who have hobbies, some of them even have the audacity to be mothers. Terrible mothers obviously, but mothers nevertheless.

MaisyPops · 08/08/2017 13:01

You say he doesn't do it every weekend and he gives you notice. He sounds reasonable enough (though you're right that the LTB will turn up soon).

People shouldn't stop having hobbies and interests just because they have kids. But, you sound like you're ran ragged and need a bit of down time.

If he's as reasonable as he comes across, then you book in some relaxation time some weekends and get yourself a rest whilst he has the kids.

Fresh8008 · 08/08/2017 13:02

Hang on, your saying he spends a whole day some weekends doing his hobby. And you spend at least one day every weekend doing your hobby, "spending time as a family". Sounds pretty fair. But your asking him to give up his hobby to do your hobby, 100% of the time Confused Aren't you being selfish very unreasonable?

Brittbugs80 · 08/08/2017 13:03

I have told him how I feel and he is considerate aka doesn't go every single weekend & gives me plenty of notice and we do things as a family the rest of the weekend

So you just don't like it then? So he has to give it up?

And as a previous poster said, why is the 4 year old not using their 15 hours funded in nursery? Gives you a break.

EveningShadows · 08/08/2017 13:03

Why should he stop???

There are other ways around this - as someone suggested, giving you a break mid week with nursery or something.

Relationships have to be give and take - he's entitled to some time to himself, as are you, it's how you achieve that together that matters.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2017 13:03

Tell him. Don't seethe until you resent the way he blinks. I've sat on resentment before and when I exploded I lost my shit so spectacularly that my then partner had to run down the road just wearing his boxers.

Jackiebrambles · 08/08/2017 13:04

No way I would put up with that every bloody weekend. It's not ok and you are telling him it is through gritted teeth! That's bloody daft.

Tell him it's not ok for the reasons - ie you want more family time etc etc.

OR get a hobby yourself which takes you away for the same amount of time.

LaArdilla · 08/08/2017 13:04

Honestly, you really have to embrace doing the same thing on the other day. Hobbies are not "a man thing", it's just that women need to consider it too. We are just as able to leave the kids with the husband and do something for a whole weekend-day. I do. It saved my sanity.

You need to consider yourself a whole human being, with likes, loves and desires that are not just your children. "My hobby is spending time as a family" just makes me cringe. You spend time with the kids all week and time with your husband in the evenings and the other weekend day. Now - who are you? What do you like? Who do you want to be? The answer shouldn't be 'mum', you are your own person.

The Mon-Fri SAHM drudgery is unfortunately part of the role you took on (I'm one too, you can't really complain, the solution is going back to work.) At the weekend, alternate one day of YOU being YOU.

Retaining your own identity is so vital. I kept up my interests, took up new ones, went on courses, learned, retrained, now I'm going back into training for a career, plus I'm going travelling ALONE for a short period, because I refuse to be tied to the 'mum' role and I would never dream of saying my only interest was 'my family'.

Do something too.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 13:04

I do think it's antisocial and selfish for someone to absent themselves from family life for something non-necessary for an entire day every few weeks, particularly when their partner is a SAHP dealing with all the shit that entails day-in, day-out. When is your day off, OP? Just because you're not in waged work doesn't mean you're not working! Is there any way that he could do a shorter version of the hobby or that a compromise position could be reached? Or is it not that sort of hobby?

VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2017 13:05

Perhaps you ought to take up a hobby of your own. If he is more or less reasonable about his hobby. I've just read that you have told him and he doesn't do it all the time.
Not sure if YABU or not tbh.

Jackiebrambles · 08/08/2017 13:06

Also a 'hobby' doesn't have to be something you have to think of, what about just going to spend the day with a friend - lunch, cinema, museum or shopping/whatever.

Alittlepotofrosie · 08/08/2017 13:06

Well how can you expect him to read your bloody mind? If you've got a problem, Talk to him about.

LaArdilla · 08/08/2017 13:07

"I do think it's antisocial and selfish for someone to absent themselves from family life for something non-necessary for an entire day every few weeks."

I'm a SAHM and I absent myself from most evenings (to go to the gym or a class or the cinema) and weekends (I go hiking, or meet with friends, or cycling, or to see exhibitions.)

Is that 'selfish' or do I get a free pass because I'm not a man doing naughty bad selfish man-hobbies?

elfinpre · 08/08/2017 13:07

Why should he stop?

Because he's a father of two young children and his life should not just fucking go on exactly as it did before while the OP's changes out of all recognition.

Family life is about compromise, not just carrying on doing whatever you want as if you were footloose and fancy free.

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