Hate bloody MAN HOBBIES

[1wokeuplikethis]

My husband has one of those expensive hobbies (LTB immediately, I know) which takes him off for nearly a whole day at a weekend if he wants wants to fully embrace it. I encourage it because what's good for him is good for us and he is wholely supportive of me getting some hobby to do (I don't have any, can't think of any, my hobby is spending time as a family).

As a SAHM to a 4 & 1 year old (who don't go to nursery) and with a husband who works full time 9-5, I actually dread these weekends because it cuts into our family time massively and it's more of me doing the same thing I do every day of the week (clue: being run ragged). I was supportive of him taking up the hobby because I love him basically. But my teeth are hurtin from gritting them as I say 'oh this weekend? Yeah no problem' and acting breezy. I have told him how I feel and he is considerate aka doesn't go every single weekend & gives me plenty of notice and we do things as a family the rest of the weekend.

I just don't like it!

You need to talk to each other and agree on:

1. How much time each of you can expect on their own.
2. How to work the notice and logistics of that (family calendar, adequate notice, both being flexible.)

Both of you need a bit of alone time. I adore my dh and ds but I'm strongly introverted as is he and we make sure we give each other a few hours alone time to do what we want each week. Hobbies are healthy - as long as they are worked in to family life and other commitments.
It's when there's an imbalance that you get a problem - bloke buggering off playing golf every Sunday without fail or flexibility for example, while the wife does everything. Or vice Versa. Or one partner needin constant sociable time while the other needs alone time to recharge.

You need to discuss what level of free time BOTH of you expect and what level of time as a family you expect too.

I think more mothers would be happier if they were a bit less martyr-ish.

It is healthy for adults to do something for themselves. You can have a perfectly good relationship with each other and your children whilst both perusing some individual hobbies.

Well cringey it may be but I do love family time. With the kids so young I want to suck it all up
*It's school hols so no free nursery at the moment.
I don't know what I like to do or what I want to do as a hobby that would take me out of the house plus if I did something one day and he did something the other day then the kids don't ever get a whole day with both of us. *

Yeah that is massive cringe. You must have SOME interests that don't involve your children or husband?????????

Maybe if you each have every other Saturday as your own personal time, you can decree every Sunday as together family time?

You getting out for a full day and leaving him with the children might actually encourage a closer bond with him. I a way, you could be seen as really selfish at the moment because you don't allow him any time on his own whit the children to develop his own relationship....

When is your day off, OP? Just because you're not in waged work doesn't mean you're not working

The op's partner had said she can have a day off whenever she wants.

This seems to be quite common on mumsnet. H has a hobby where he spends time out of the house. H encourages Sahp to get out of the house more. Sahp doesn't want to but still complains it's unfair.

Just out of interest what is the hobby in question?

Cheers
M.JD

These threads make me so sad

There's more to life than kids kids kids 24/7

And kids don't thank you for being there every single minute! Mine enjoy seeing me do things and encourage it. It's far healthier for them to see their parents doing something enjoyable

The kids needs some alone time with their father as well, otherwise they will grow up learning that women should never have a life outside of their children.

I second exercise. I only have one childless friend who I don't see much, other friends have kids so are busy to, my dh has a lot of single, childless friends who are always free to meet up so I just exercise, an hour away from the kids most days is bliss! When my friend is free we don't particularly have hobbies, we go cinema, go for cocktails in happy hour or get some food together. She works nights a lot so sometimes we just have breakfast and mooch around the shops in town, it's still something that is for me and without the kids.

I agree with PPs about the need to maintain interests and contacts outside the home. Will make it so much easier if you have to return to your career if you've continued to be engaged in the world, network and socialise.

Also when your kids grow up & leave - are you going to look around and realise you have nothing left to fulfill you?

"I don't know what I like to do"

OK, so imagine you don't have kids and you're back in the early days of meeting your DH. He says "Hi, I'm Bob. Who are you and what do you like to do?"

Did you just shrug and say "Dunno. I don't know what I like to do."

Or did you have a personality back then?

"Always just seems like an excuse to escape from being with the family to me."

Well, yeah, pretty much. People do hobbies for fun, laughter, adult company, peace, mental clarity, the good of their health, their education, and for a break from the kids. And probably a break from a spouse that looks blankly around saying "I don't know what I like."

Seriously. You need to be a person. You, your name, not just "Mum". You're still someone's wife, someone's girlfriend, someone's friend and you need to have something rattling around in your brain other than the kids. Kids are family members. You raise them. You don't let your personality die and become them.

(also don't worry so much about 'family time'. It's an empty phrase coined by parenting magazines to make people feel guilty. Your kids get 'family time' every second of every day. That time? Is family time.)

I feel kind of the same way... sounds similar, DH's is playing cricket. A game every 2-3 weeks from May - september. I do have hobbies but they all take place inside the house so it is never truly time off like it is for him. I don't begrudge him it. I tell him when it's getting too much and I can ask him to skip a game (luckily, I know some clubs that isn't really an option, it's all or nothing). But it does still annoy me especially when it's a saturday game so I've had DD all friday and often thursday too and then I have all saturday with her alone as well. Sunday isn't so bad.

He always says I should go off on my own on the other day, but then we don't really do anything all three of us which is a shame. But I know that's my problem really as it is only one weekend.

I'm having twins in January and he has already said he'll just choose one or two games to play next season, thank god he understands that!

"Family time" is not a hobby, and I agree with PPs that it can be unhealthy for oneself and relationships to be solely focused on family. (I have a parent like this). Socialising can be a hobby, or exercise, whatever.

If you're feeling like you're "run ragged" as a SAHM even more reason to take a break.

There is an issue IMO, however, if you having close to equal leisure time would mean hardly any time left for family time. If that's the case DH should reduce his hobby time IMO.

Your first post suggests that you may benefit from a break from the DCs. They are also likely to benefit from time solely with their dad.

You must have some interests, even if it just going to a NT property and looking around it in peace without having to be on the lookout for the DCs trying to trash priceless antiques, fall into the canal or trash the flowerbeds. Followed by tea and scones afterwards of course.

All manner of activities and sports. They allow women to do them too you know.

Or how about fishing. That's the new popular pastime for young women apparently. You don't have to actually catch any fish and I suspect that a large part of the attraction for people who fish is the sitting and not doing very much for a few hours.

Hiking/hill walking

Or just go and spend time in your main county library and research local history.

Craft events/knit and natter groups etc.

Just pick something and give it a go.

"I don't know what I like to do"

I do sympathise with this to an extent. I e spent so many years running myself into the ground for my career and then having a very demanding baby that I understand how easy it is to lose yourself.

What do you want to do? It doesn't have to be some sort of all singing, all dancing hobby. If you want to go out and meet a friend, go for a walk alone or lock yourself in a room and read a book that's just as valid as golf/roller derby/aerobics etc. But it's important to do something for yourself sometimes.

it'll also be good for your dh to spend some one on one time with your kids too

One option could be to pay for a morning's childcare each week or ad hoc for the younger DC (assume eldest is in nursery) and do something you enjoy. Childminders often have spaces on a Friday, for example.

I think its better not to say what the hobby is at it just derails the thread. It doesnt matter if this dh golfs, cycles or runs around the forest dressed as a bear. He has a hobby that he occasionally does. I would suggest op tries the same.

I agree with everyone

You need something that involves time just as yourself. Book club? Volunteering? Evening class? Exercise? When ds was younger I learned Hebrew, went to the pub with other mums, did couch to 5k.

Do you have any friends op?
Could you meetup with them every other weekend?

Posted too soon.

Him having a hobby is ok but I worder if it's the whole day thing that is a big deal? We tend to work in half days. Anyone can stand a morning or afternoon wrangling the kids, a whole day solo is tough. Could he take up a version of this hobby that takes less time?

If it's a sport, encourage him to qualify as a coach. Bingo, he'll soon be organising the youth team with the kids.

Well cringey it may be but I do love family time. With the kids so young I want to suck it all up.

STOP being a martyr! You H needs to take some of the strain and you need a bit of a life.

I'm a lone parent and have no family, I had no life at all until DS was about 7. Only then was it babysitters if I wanted to go out. It's only been the last 2 years that I have started pursuing my own hobby. I could not have a life until my DS was almost 10.

You have a H, he has free time that he is not choosing to give you free time. they are his kids too.

You need to get this set in stone, he needs to agree to the same amount of time that you have to yourself and the remainder is spent as a family.

SWIM! it blocks everyone and everything out! you have to focus on it and it's very calming. Gives you an amazing body if you work hard at it! My arms are fabulous.

I hear you, my Dh has two hobbies! the second one he only took up a few years ago so its not so bad now my two are a lot older, but the first one would take him out for half a day on a sunday and sometimes weekends or weeks away, if it was a holiday.
I did used to get fed up with it, but its not so bad now. its hard when you have little children around though - there has to be a balance and he has also spent loads on both hobbies over the years. I know a lot of people wouldnt put up with it though! Just make sure you can have you time as well, with whatever you want to do. It has kept him sane from a stressful job, but thats not to say i didnt get fed up at times too.

my hobby is spending time as a family

I don't think that's cringey, I think it's lovely BUT bear in mind it won't just be your husband who has hobbies that takes him away sometimes, but your children too. And when they hit adolescence they will probably go through a phase of not wanting any family time as well :( so for your own sake, I would try to cultivate a life outside your family now. You could try out different things, give yourself the aim of trying a new thing every week/every fortnight until you find something you really enjoy :)

and all that sucking it up while kids are so young

time its the older kids who need more family input.