Hate bloody MAN HOBBIES

[1wokeuplikethis]

My husband has one of those expensive hobbies (LTB immediately, I know) which takes him off for nearly a whole day at a weekend if he wants wants to fully embrace it. I encourage it because what's good for him is good for us and he is wholely supportive of me getting some hobby to do (I don't have any, can't think of any, my hobby is spending time as a family).

As a SAHM to a 4 & 1 year old (who don't go to nursery) and with a husband who works full time 9-5, I actually dread these weekends because it cuts into our family time massively and it's more of me doing the same thing I do every day of the week (clue: being run ragged). I was supportive of him taking up the hobby because I love him basically. But my teeth are hurtin from gritting them as I say 'oh this weekend? Yeah no problem' and acting breezy. I have told him how I feel and he is considerate aka doesn't go every single weekend & gives me plenty of notice and we do things as a family the rest of the weekend.

I just don't like it!

Or indeed pick a high division if you used to be really good :-)

Totally agree, Kerala - important for kids to see that you are not just an extension of childcare/laundry/shopping etc - and for your own sense of self.

I felt such a loss of self when DC were young, so overwhelmed. Am just feeling now that youngest DC is 4, that I'm beginning to get a life again.

Although I agree with PP that time-consuming hobbies aren't realistic when DC are young - it's all hands on deck & fitting something in when you can, around family life.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme
Traditional working parent vs stay at home parent yes is linked to patriarchal norms.

But having a hobby and being reasonable vs having a hobby and being a dick isn't about patriarchy, it's about whether someone is a dick or not.

Equally, many women on this thread have said they have their own hobbies and interests. Choosing not to have one out of some martyr complex and then complaining doesn't seem right to me.

I'm of the unpopular view on here though that the stay at home parent does the lions share of the house stuff during the working week and then evening and weekend time is divided up equally between hobbies, what's left of errands/chores and family time (not as some suggest that the working parent should do all the weekend stuff and not have hobbies "because SAHP has been home all week".)

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We have kids about the same age and if I was out of the house for an entire day every few weekends I think DH would be extremely unimpressed (he is a SAHD). I just don't think it's something you have the luxury of with little kids, unless you have a big support network with grandparents etc. I'm told things get better once they're school age!

OP if you're planning what to do with your time, which I agree with PPs is a good idea, have you thought long term? Could you use a bit of time while they're at nursery to start a part time study course or something similar, so you're ready for the post little kids stage?

It was difficult for us both to keep our hobbies going when DCs were young but with lots of compromises we made it work, we now have the luxury of our eldest two joining us and even my disabled son loves hiking. It seems strange that we live in an era of many children having multiple after school activities whilst their parents do nothing but chauffeur. When the best example you can give your children is the one set by you.

I work 5 days a week and my DW who's a SAHM said she wanted some time off at the weekends to do a hobby she has only just got into. It would have eaten into time spent sitting in the living room together so I put my foot down. No way am I putting up with her getting out of family duties for hours at a time. After all, she didn't have any of these hobbies or interests when we got married and I was led to believe that was legally binding in perpetuity. I have pointed her towards the wisdom of mumsnet to prove that on becoming a parent she has a duty to stay indoors.

Most women would laugh at DH 'putting their foot down' though.....

i always made sure I had some "me" time when my children were small. I did various things over the years, including going to the gym, doing pottery classes, visiting art galleries and going out with friends.

It's always a good idea to have some time to yourself to unwind, and makes you more interesting! Your self esteem will grow, which can only be a good thing for you and your family.

Also, the children will be able to spend more time with their dad. When I was a child, I did lots of things with my dad. I have lovely memories of our holidays, because in the evenings, while my mum was putting my brother to bed (he's nearly 5 years younger than me) my dad and I would get a portion of chips and go for a walk along the beach. I cherish those memories. Give your children the chance to also build memories of spending time with their dad.

if I was out of the house for an entire day every few weekends I think DH would beextremelyunimpressed (he is a SAHD).

Really? He would object to yiu having a day to yourself once every few weeks?

Fuck that. I dont go out or weekends away. If dh tried to prevent me having something time for myself, he would be told to get a grip.

I spend more time on my hobby than with my partner some weeks (unless you count sleeping next to him!). It's my passion in life and if he wanted me to quit, I wouldn't. Can't you just find something you like doing and that way you won't feel jealous of the time he spends away from the home.

Spartacus I'm out of the house for about 12 hours a day during the week, and we have two children who aren't at school yet. We both get a bit of child free time but a whole day every few weekends is unreasonable. The kids are very tiring!

Spartacus I'm out of the house for about 12 hours a day during the week, and we have two children who aren't at school yet. We both get a bit of child free time but a whole day every few weekends is unreasonable. The kids are very tiring!

Yup. I have 2. I work long days. Have been a sahm. Dh has been a sahd. Dh is currently runninf his own business so dies the majority with the kids. Neither of us have ever denied eachother a day every few weeks.

That's nice for you Spartacus.

In our lives, with our children, it would be unreasonable of either of us to spend the entire day out on a weekend.

In our lives, with our children, it would be unreasonable of either of us to spend the entire day out on a weekend

We will have to agree to disagree.

I believe Its entirely reasonable for an adult to have time for themselves. In fact i would say its unhealthy not to.

Spartacus I am with you - as I have said previously.

Neither of us have been a SAHP but both have kept up hobbies since having children, we work with it, plan stuff, talk etc.

We can't just be parents all the time, time out is a benefit. I tend to do mine in small chunks as I do different things, husbands was more of a half day activity but I really didn't care.

I agree that having time to do your own thing, whatever it is, is really important. I also felt like I lost myself a bit when the kids were really young, but I started doing a few different things in the evenings which meant I was out 3 nights a week until about 9-9.30pm and a half day/full day at the weekends in winter. DH also went out for about the same amount of time.

Another bonus was that we had something to talk about other than the kids.

Neither of us are out that much anymore, although we both still have our weekend hobbies. The difference now is that we all go to watch DH and sometimes make a weekend away of it, and the DC now take part in my hobby.

One of the problems is that when you give up work to be SAHM the world shrinks and you have less ideas about which hobbies you'd like to do and less people around to motivate you to do one.

You have to force yourself to find a hobby you like OP. Netball sounds like a good plan.

so I could go to a fitness class

I think this is important. Purely for health, and also because we know there is a mind/body connection.

I struggle to think of anyone I know who has no hobbies or interests.

Interests amongst my friends range from the obvious (cycling, running) but I have friends who horse ride, mountain bike, sail, sew, bake, paint, write blogs/novels, sing in choir, volunteer, play tennis.....to list just a few.

I'd start by just taking some time away from your family just for you. At first you could just start with a couple of hours each weekend and just sit in a nice cafe with a book, or go for a walk. Meanwhile have a think about what might interest you and take it from there.

I also think from your post your DH sounds quite reasonable.

Good luck op.

I think I would approach it as wanting to have a day when you are not doing any of the grunt stuff with the kids and are a free spirit, so you can go off to town if you want to etc, or be at home or out as a family but he cooks/packs the picnic/does toilet runs or nappies etc.

I am in a very similar position to the OP! To all the people saying Get a Hobby, I've got to say this: with a 1 year old and 4 year old at home, the OP is likely to be too knackered to take up a hobby! My DH has three VERY absorbing hobbies. His view is 'why should I stop having hobbies just because you don't have any'. (He's lovely btw, I've just tried to simplify the above statement obviously he says it more nicely!). The truth is that if I spent as much time away from home doing hobbies there would be around 3 hours per week when we were both together with the DC (and they'd be sleep for two of them!). I had kids with this person because I love him and want to spend time with him AND them. Yep I could spend an evening at the gym or pop off to the shops on a Saturday in my own/with a friend (and these things DO happen increasingly now my eldest is at school), BUT. Nine times out of ten I'm too tired to go to the gym by the time DH gets home from work (7pm). And, these wee bits of time to myself are just not the same in terms of time or energy/emotional energy absorbed completely by 'MOBBIES'.
OP yanbu. The only thing I can suggest is that if your DH is off doing his hobby, try to make the weekend day with the kids a bit different to the weekdays with the kids. Treat them and you to a pizza, or a movie night, or take a few short cuts that you wouldn't usually allow yourself e.g. The odd ready meal or lunch out so that you're not washing up as much as usual! Also maybe a magazine or glass of wine after they're in bed. When you're not working out of the home or your work is not tradional 9-5 in an office setup you need some ways to mark the weekend so that all the days don't get too samey.

To all the people saying Get a Hobby, I've got to say this: with a 1 year old and 4 year old at home, the OP is likely to be too knackered to take up a hobby
But that's part of the martyr thing. That all these women are too tired and too busy to have a hobby.
Many people on this thread have said it is perfectly possible in most situations.

People who are at work all day are often tired by the end of the day. Some people choose to do their choirs, am dram, gym, run, band etc and others choose to say 'I'm so tired I just want to sit on my phone with the telly in the background'. Same logic if you're at home all day and being a SAHP is your job.

The OP'S husband has one day a weekend every few weeks. Many of my friends (mums and dads) do something of their own weekly.

I could easily say i am too tired to do a hobby.

I have had young kids (one is still young) i work full time. Dh works (but for himself). Even though i am knackered. I still go because i know i will feel better for doing it and for getting sometime to myself.

I've worked full time and part time and SAHM. I can confidently say the days at home doing SAHM were tiring in a very distinctively different way! It's far more physical for instance than my dh's job is. Also if you end up in traditional gender roles like the OP, there's the fact your dh is not home till very late. If I worked OOTH then I would be able to go straight from work to a hobby (as my dh does). When you are SAHM then you have to wait for the arrival of the other parent which for me for example is 7pm at the earliest. Because he's working OOTH (see trad gender role) it's me sorting dinner out for everyone too. This isn't being a martyr - and it's pretty patronising to say so - it's just the realities of life.