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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate bloody MAN HOBBIES

209 replies

1wokeuplikethis · 08/08/2017 12:51

My husband has one of those expensive hobbies (LTB immediately, I know) which takes him off for nearly a whole day at a weekend if he wants wants to fully embrace it. I encourage it because what's good for him is good for us and he is wholely supportive of me getting some hobby to do (I don't have any, can't think of any, my hobby is spending time as a family).

As a SAHM to a 4 & 1 year old (who don't go to nursery) and with a husband who works full time 9-5, I actually dread these weekends because it cuts into our family time massively and it's more of me doing the same thing I do every day of the week (clue: being run ragged). I was supportive of him taking up the hobby because I love him basically. But my teeth are hurtin from gritting them as I say 'oh this weekend? Yeah no problem' and acting breezy. I have told him how I feel and he is considerate aka doesn't go every single weekend & gives me plenty of notice and we do things as a family the rest of the weekend.

I just don't like it!

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 08/08/2017 13:08

My hobby is spending time as a family" just makes me cringe. Same but you see it a lot on these types of threads. Man shouldn't have a hobby because it eats into family time and SAHP needs a break. Posters say "well he is entitled to have a hobby and life outside of work and family but you should also have the same amount of time allocated to you doing something or relaxing. And the reply is but I don't want to because I want to do family things'.
Aka. I don't want a hobby or time for myself but will resent the fact that you do.

(I know the OP'S situation isn't as exaggerated as that)

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/08/2017 13:08

elfinpre I agree.

Anecdoche · 08/08/2017 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 08/08/2017 13:09

I'm a mum of 5 and my hobby takes me away for whole weekends sometimes! Sometimes I take a kid or two with me

It's become my adult children's hobby now as well. A family thing

ThePants999 · 08/08/2017 13:09

@nikiforov No. You may not call them "mobbies". :-P

@Bemusedandpuzzled Totally disagree that one day out of a few weeks is "antisocial and selfish". What bit of the original post led you to believe that the OP isn't allowed any time off? Did you read the bit that said "he is wholely supportive of me getting some hobby"? In my relationship, we each take significant time at the weekend for a solo hobby, while the other does childcare, and STILL fit in family time too. There's no selfishness involved.

MaisyPops · 08/08/2017 13:10

And just for people on about him doing it every weekend and carrying on like he has no children, the OP has said he doesn't do it every weekend & he gives notice.

This isn't someone who is out and about all the time, however much some on MN love a good hobby bash.

IdoHaveAName · 08/08/2017 13:10

What is the hobby? misses point of thread

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/08/2017 13:10

I second having a hobby! I started running a few years ago and totally cherish the me-time, as soon as my husband is home from work I'm off out of the door before he's blinked Grin clears my head, gives me some peace, I'm not being nagged, fresh air, exercise - what's not to like? Admittedly I am only out of the house for 45 minutes but it does the trick and burns plenty of calories too!

Original poster
1wokeuplikethis · 08/08/2017 13:13

Well cringey it may be but I do love family time. With the kids so young I want to suck it all up.
It's school hols so no free nursery at the moment.
I don't know what I like to do or what I want to do as a hobby that would take me out of the house plus if I did something one day and he did something the other day then the kids don't ever get a whole day with both of us.

It's my problem and I grit my teeth because I'm trying to be selfless so that he can enjoy himself, I don't resent him and I think it's selfish to ask him to give it up.
My options are to find something I want to do (hmmmmm) and do that every other weekend or just get on with it.
I don't have a day off in the week, but will only have the 1 year old to look after when bigger one starts school. I'm just having a bit of a moan.

OP posts:
MineKraftCheese · 08/08/2017 13:13

Whenever I hear talk of "hobbies" on MN I always think of Simon Quinlank Grin

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 13:14

thepants - I take your point. But clearly, by definition here, family time together isn't as important to you as it is to the OP since you're prioritising time apart instead. Maybe this comes down to a disagreement about the relative values the OP and her partner put on family time? As someone who holds it to be very valuable, like her, I would struggle in a relationship with someone who valued it less and prioritized a hobby more. In fact, I think I would personally read that as a sign of some degree of unhappiness at home.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 08/08/2017 13:17

@NotInMyBackYard I'm totally with you! I can't even run properly, honestly I must look a complete prat! But that time in only my own company, out of the house is invaluable! If that is the only time I can get while my children are young then I'm taking it!

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 08/08/2017 13:19

That was a lot of exclamation marks. Sign of madness apparently, I think I need to go for a run Grin

YouLookTiredDaddyPig · 08/08/2017 13:19

I find it weird when people don't have hobbies. Like, don't you have any interests in life beyond your children?

sherbetpips · 08/08/2017 13:19

Always just seems like an excuse to escape from being with the family to me - whether it be fishing, cycling, Triathlon's. work all week then do what you like at the weekend. No thanks. My other half plays hockey, takes up saturday afternoons in the autumn/winter. I can handle an afternoon but I would put my foot down if it was all day. That being said I know many happy couples who live really quite separate lives or they would drive each other nuts

BarbaraofSeville · 08/08/2017 13:22

Well you need to find a hobby that you can do yourself for a whole day at the weekend. Then you can both do your hobbies for one or two days a month and then spend the other weekend days doing things as a family, which is not a hobby btw, that's just normal life.

I did my hobby at the weekend and I did wonder if some of the group that I don't know that well had wives at home seething about them being out all day doing their hobby. But out of the group of 8, I know that at least five of us were childfree. It's scuba diving BTW, no secrets here, but not compatible with very young children generally.

Greyhorses · 08/08/2017 13:22

I have a hobby that gets me out of the house for an hour a day every day. I honestly don't see why once you have children some people feel like they aren't allowed a life of their own for the next 18 years.

We both have hobbies and still manage to spend time together Confused

Jackiebrambles · 08/08/2017 13:23

Alternate weekends would work though wouldn't it? - and you wouldn't feel so resentful. The odd weekend day out away from my young kids (I have a 4 and 2 year old) is a real treat for me! (and I work 4 days a week too!).

But that way every weekend you have at least one 'family' day where you are all together.

EveningShadows · 08/08/2017 13:25

elfinpre, his life isn't carrying on with no change - he seems like he's being considerate, not doing every weekend, checking with OP, etc.

If you choose to be an SAHM you can't expect your dh not to want to do anything out of family life - relationships are about compromise.

slightlyglittermaned · 08/08/2017 13:25

There's a big difference between a hobby that involves an hour every other weekday evening and one that takes a whole weekend day.

YouLookTiredDaddyPig · 08/08/2017 13:26

We both have hobbies and still manage to spend time together confused

Yeah, it seems like a pretty bitter mindset on the part of a lot of mumsnetters.

If I spend 4 hours on a Saturday morning doing a hobby, I still spend at least 4 times as many hours of the weekend with my family. Plus every morning and every evening of every weekday. I would not say my family and I are "leading separate lives" lmao.

My OH also has a hobby that involves time away from the family for an hour or so 2-3 times a week. We're not tied at the hip. And people with interests and passions are more interesting in general than people without them.

SilverBirchTree · 08/08/2017 13:28

Why are OPs always so coy about what the hobby is?

billysboy · 08/08/2017 13:29

mines into horses never I would be thankful for one day a week rather than it taking over entire week / life

5foot5 · 08/08/2017 13:30

You can't think of anything you would like to do? Really?

Usually evening classes start in September. Is it worth having a look at what is available locally. You might at least be able to get out and have some time doing something that interests you in the evening when DH is home to look after the DCs

haveacupoftea · 08/08/2017 13:30

Haven't RTFT but the hobby has to be golf. In which case, don't even try to argue with him because golf men are ridiculous. I think it's because you can play into old age so they all harbour belief that they might become the next Tiger Woods, despite being 38 years old with a handicap of 12.

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