Hate bloody MAN HOBBIES

[1wokeuplikethis]

My husband has one of those expensive hobbies (LTB immediately, I know) which takes him off for nearly a whole day at a weekend if he wants wants to fully embrace it. I encourage it because what's good for him is good for us and he is wholely supportive of me getting some hobby to do (I don't have any, can't think of any, my hobby is spending time as a family).

As a SAHM to a 4 & 1 year old (who don't go to nursery) and with a husband who works full time 9-5, I actually dread these weekends because it cuts into our family time massively and it's more of me doing the same thing I do every day of the week (clue: being run ragged). I was supportive of him taking up the hobby because I love him basically. But my teeth are hurtin from gritting them as I say 'oh this weekend? Yeah no problem' and acting breezy. I have told him how I feel and he is considerate aka doesn't go every single weekend & gives me plenty of notice and we do things as a family the rest of the weekend.

I just don't like it!

My DP is a golf obsessive. I'm of the genuine, non satirical belief that golf was primarily invented to allow men privacy from family life, and that most of the money currently in the sport stems from that.

Having said that, DP and I have a strict equality agreement so if he's golfing in the afternoon, he'll take DS out all morning.

I'm hoping to reap the full benefit if and when DS wants to join him on the golf course. Days, full days at a time they'll be away for. Maybe even overseas trips too.

When you are SAHM then you have to wait for the arrival of the other parent which for me for example is 7pm at the earliest

Thats not always true. You can do hobbies at weekends. I work out of the house and always go home after work before my hobby.

I would feel very restricted by a man who wanted me and young kids to be his whole life and who expected me to do the same.
You then turn in to the sort of grandparents who want your adult children and their kids to be your hobby because you never developed your own interests. Young kids are draining and self centred. Expecting all the adults to spend all their spare time entertaining them isn't good for anyone. I also think it's good for kids as they get older to see their parents as people with hobbies and interests. When the kids get older they can join in.
Wanting your husband to be your hobby is very restricting.

monkeymamma
It's not about whether being a SAHP or working is more tiring.

The martyr comes from 'I couldn't possibly manage to have any time for any interest of my own because family time, chores etc' or I dont want me time or a hobby because i just want family time. But because i want family time i think he shouldnt have any hobby time either because then im with the kids more than he is (even though he's already said he's more than happy for me to do something and I've turned it down) when the reality is that many people do manage to have hobbies and interest time. It's a question of choices.

E.g. a friend of mine who is a dad chooses to get up early and go to the gym before work. He comes home and then does the house stuff on an evening so his wife can go and see friends at slimming world.

The problem is that some SAHP (not all) seem to think that because they've been at home all week, the working parent should come back and compensate for that by not doing anything on evenings or weekends.

Ok ok, I'm glad I started this thread and it's had so many replies because many posters have pointed out things I hadn't considered. I agree that it is good for children to see their parents interested in something (will mean more when they are a bit older though, than 4 and 1) and no, I don't want my kids to think women's roles are being in the home and at everyone's beck and call. Say I did start netball and got decent enough to play a match and they came to watch me, they would like that and I would feel proud. Sorry I am being cringey again 😊

I do things like reading, Xbox, bingo and I see friends but we all have our kids in tow. I can't build a hobby on any of those. No I don't do any exercise and am extremely unfit so some kind of physical activity would be a huge benefit to my body and mind I'm sure. I intend on returning to work in the not too distant future so perhaps night school or training would be a great idea. Although I don't know what I want to do. I know I sound very wishy washy. I am not a martyr but this will sound like one: it's been a long time since I've considered myself and what I like/what I want to do/be/become. But I don't want to be a vacuous mother any more, I want to change that. I am fortunate enough that my husband encourages me (although he looked very bemused by my suggestion of netball and when i chose some trainers, gleefully informed me they are 'such Mum trainers' so that didn't help my confidence. But fuck it. I reminded him of his vocal encouragement in the past and hope he is true on his word).

it's been a long time since I've considered myself and what I like/what I want to do/be/become

I understand. I really do. It's so easy to fall into this

It's a good post OP.
What I would say is that the discussion has become general about hobbies etc so not to take things said in the discussion as being about you.
I am not a martyr but this will sound like one: it's been a long time since I've considered myself and what I like/what I want to do/be/become
Far from it. Thats actually understandable. The fact you're open to picking up a hobby and have heard what people have to say means (in my opinion) you're not being a martyr. You're saying 'this is where I am and I'd like to change something'.

A martyr would read all the advice on here and tell everyone 'it's all well and good you saying I should have a hobby too but I'm so busy/ so tired / too busy doing family things to even contemplate having me time. I mean, I'd love to know how all you mother manage to put your children and family first when you're off out all the time. Nobody wants to look at their childhood and think mum /dad couldn't be bothered. Etc etc.'

My husband cycles every weekend at least 50miles takes him away for at least four hours, after a while I told him what a asshole he was for wanting to get out of family time a few months ago, for my birthday last month he came back with two new bikes one for me and one for him with a toddler seat on the back and said now we can do family time together and will do great to finally get me of the couch and get rid of the weight I put on.

He still doesn't know why was so upset and now he and my son go out for hours together and I am along on the weekends it's worse now as he expects the house clean as he our son.

Sold the bike he bought for me and I think it might be the end of the relationship.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of making sure everyone else in the family is fine before you sort yourself out!
I pulled myself out of it a couple of years ago and I felt so different almost straight away! I took up what is considered a 'man hobby' on here and bloody love it. I'm happier, DH loves coming to watch with the DC's and I've made some new friends (whether I'm fitter or not is debatable ). Added bonus is that one of the DC's is now considering starting as well so she's coming to give training a try next week!
It doesn't take up too much time and DH still has his time for hobbies pub plus family time so everyone's happy.

God he's everywhere!!

"Say I did start netball and got decent enough to play a match and they came to watch me, they would like that and I would feel proud. Sorry I am being cringey again"

Not cringey at all!

Mine are scarily grown up now but when they were little I felt a bit like you. I worked fulltime though so my weekends were vital for me to reconnect with the children. I suspect I became a bit too child-obsessed TBH. They came everywhere with me and I know it damaged my relationship with DH. I reluctantly restarted going to exercise classes when my second was about 3, then moved to using a gym and then began running. Running is the only thing that had a social life attached and that was when it became a genuine hobby that took up lots of time. I now run 3 or 4 times a week and do plenty of races, and have a far healthier social life than the early years of motherhood.

But you know the best thing about running races? The fact that DH is always there waiting for me at the finish line and so proud of me, and often the children are too. When I've done half marathons they join me to run the last few yards ! It's wonderful. Good luck with your netball xx

Say I did start netball and got decent enough to play a match and they came to watch me, they would like that and I would feel proud

Our GS has her DP come pick her up sometimes with the kids and they get there early and watch their mum, its lovely.

Glad to see you are considering your options op, your dp will be bemused that you have had a sudden to him change of heart and has probably got used to the status quo even if he has been outwardly encouraging of you taking a hobby.

Excercise and dipping your toe into a sport you used to enjoy is a great start , great for your mental health and wellbeing.

Don't lose yourself to being solely mum and wife.

Years I spent not knowing what I liked but I had spent yrs stuck at home not having a social life then having dc young.
Then being single a mum it was just as hard, eventually I found a hobby and friends to share it with, now dipping in and out of another hobby that I really enjoy and doesnt require constant commitment which is great as again I'm single and don't actually have much opportunity to do it.

There are loads of things I would like to do as hobbies but no time or freedom to do so.I would be very physically fit if I could.

kelly that is

I know he spent over £1000 on my bike alone, he could have got me jewellery or a family holiday but he thought I would want to spend time cycling as a family.

Worst part is my son loves going out on the back now and asks at the weekend to go out and they take a picnic, I tried saying no one or twice but he cried and said he want to go out with daddy and wants his own bike from Santa. I feel like I am also losing my son over this.

@kellyo123 cycling as a family sounds good to me, especially if he does the work with the baby seat and later the tag-a-long!

Can you arrange to meet them somewhere for the picnic?

I don't want to spend my time cycling for hours getting sweaty and hot it's not my idea of family time, it's boring.

Cycling is lovely family time. If you like cycling. If one of you doesn't like cycling then it's not.

Kelly is being expected to skivvy at home because he is diverting the child. That's an awful message to send. He spent loads of money on a bike not for her, but as a validation of his own hobby.

That is really shitty behaviour, have you spoken to him about this? Explained you feel hurt, that him looking after his own cchild is not babysitting and he has no right to expect you to have the house cleaned because he's looking after his own child

Kelly- how many times did you go out together on bikes?

Never I didn't want to, he said he loves taking our son so he doesn't see it as babysitting, but has said if I am sitting on my ass alone I should as least look after the house.

Yes I talked and threatened to leave but he just said the house was in his and his mothers name and as he can work from home he will apply for 50/50 custody and I was too lazy to work and pay rent.

See I'd take that as you said the problem with cycling was lack of family time. He's tried to include family in his hobby (which will involve changes e.g routes, difficulty etc) and you've not even attempted it because you don't fancy it. Now you're annoyed at your child is enjoying it and spending time with their dad whilst you're at home.
Can't help but feel that the guy can't win here unless he gives up his own hobby, stays at home with you all the time and does the housework because it's the weekend.

Not convinced I agree with him on 'I have the kids so you can do the house' because you should be able to do hobby things yourself. But I do see that if one person has the kids, the other could do a bit at home whilst the kids are our of their hair.

My partner gos to the gym every night for few hours and he dos mountain biking from time to time as well... I don't have a hobby either I'm like you I love family time... but I have learnt to life with it cause he works full time he should have a life after work... i go to the gym when the kids are at school...

Are you married Kelly?

So @MaisyPops when my DH goes out all Saturday morning to play golf (one of his 4 hobbies) and comes home and says he'll take the kids out for a couple of hours to 'give me a break' it's ok that he also says oh can you just Hoover or clean the kitchen etc, whilst we're out. Bearing in mind that it's a) the only real time I get to myself all week b) I generally have to get dinner ready for when they get back 2 hours later

Lets I've said repeatedly on this thread that non working week time should be split between hobbies and house stuff for BOTH people in a relationship.

I'm not convinced at all that whoever is at home should do everything but it woukd make sense to use some of that time on house things (given how many people seem to go on endlessly about how they never have a minute and can't possibly do housework with kids because they're a stay at home parent not a house wife).

In the situation that I was responding to, the man had adapted his hobby to accommodate family and children (so not doing his own thing and then taking the kids out. Not thay it would matter).
My question would be why do you have to make sure dinners on the table when they get in? It's all these "but I HAVE to..." thay seems to be at the heart of the issue.

Ultimately, my main objection on this thread is with people who martyr themselves, won't allocate any me time to themselves or take up a hobby but do nothing but whine about the fact that their other half has an interest outside the house.