An homage....to the CFN

[lastkisstoo]

In light of recent threads, it has enlightened and amused me no end at the amount of cheeky fuckerdom of the highest order that lives among us.

What is your experience of the CFN?

I will start with mine. The circumstances are not funny at all but her actions raised a smile even then so thank you CFN for a bit of light in the darkness.

My husband died in our home many years ago. After a week or so of me not living there due to the circumstances of his death I had reason to visit the street that we lived. On seeing me out of her window a neighbour from a few doors away ran over to me and asked if she could buy my livingroom blinds 'on account of me not needing them any more'

Oh, and now CFN (who now has his permit back) only burns his slash piles at the back of his property, immediately adjacent to our house on days when the wind carries the smoke towards our house. I have asthma and he knows it.

Wow to all of these! Hard to believe these cheeky fuckers actually exist and could possibly have any sort of friendships with anyone!

When I moved in with my bf (now h), his ndn had a key, as he did for hers - they both fed each other's cat (cats in her case as she was a crazy cat lady) if they were away. All well and good. Bf even let her borrow videos occasionally if there was a film she wanted to watch. Then I found out that this woman was randomly letting herself into the house and just taking stuff to borrow. I'd just moved in and brought a DVD player with me, and had a few dvds as all quite a new thing then. I found one day, not only had she helped herself to several of my DVD's, she had actually opened 3 brand new ones that I hadn't even watched yet! Then she got all uppity about the fact that she didn't even know we had a DVD player and thought it was just her with one?

She decided one day to put up that stuff on the fence that stops birds landing on there/keeps cats out. She said it was to keep her cats in.... except it was our fence she has done it to, damaged several parts of it and we had cats too that we were worried might accidentally get stuck in her garden. So we told her to remove it. She wasn't happy, but did it.

Same neighbour used to come round to our annual bbq. Only invited out of courtesy because she was a nightmare! She was one of these knit your own slippers type - everything had to be organic and vegetarian, used to pay to get "organic vegan water" delivered to her house as nothing else was good enough (someone saw her coming with that one!!). Anyway we would buy vegetarian food to cook etc. She'd bring a bottle of the most God-awful organic wine (according to everyone else it was awful, I don't drink wine).... but would she drink it? Oh no - quite happy to drink the quality and expensive bottles we bought for people or guests bought (I saw expensive but it probably wasn't - I begrudge spending money on wine). Then she'd get pissed and latch onto someone (me usually as I'm too nice) and start wailing on about how awful her life is etc etc.

She decided one day that a bush in our garden, nowhere near her garden, was too big - so got her dad to trim it... he hacked it and killed it. My hubby was not happy! She hadn't even mentioned that she had a problem with it so we never did find out why she wanted it cutting down.

On another occasion, her ex had moved back in with her. He's a story himself - Argentinian and a "debt enforcer" - anyway no 'green card' because he had a criminal record and funnily enough the UK didn't really want people like him here. So he's moved in whilst on his temporary visa (he was also the father of her ds, affectionately known by everyone else as Hell Spawn). She decides one day to tell me all about how he had been diagnosed with hepatitis and how careful they have to be not to exchange any bodily fluids due to the risk and how hard it was to explain to her son he couldn't kiss his dad etc. Really didn't need or want to know this. Not a month later she announces that they're expecting another baby together?! So not quite sure how that happened.....

Then she had a miscarriage (very sad of course). Shortly afterwards, one of her cats was hit and killed by a car on the main road outside our houses (she was 2nd house down the walkway so not right on the road). She lost the plot! Started throwing paint all over the road, emptying her lawn mower etc into it too. Cars were getting paint splashed up all over their paintwork and understandably not happy. We weren't happy either as literally right outside our house and to get off our drive, we had to drive through it. Then she started op asking her car on that road instead of round the back where her garage/parking space was. No problem as plenty of space. Except she parked right to the very edge of our driveway and at a diagonal angle so that her car was sticking into the street, forcing cars to go off the road into a field entrance to her round it! Did us trying to get off the drive was awful because you literally couldn't see a thing with how she parked.

One day I was in the garden and heard her suddenly hurry out of the house and out the back gate. 5 mins later a police officer knocks at the door. He wanted to know if we'd seen the neighbour as he'd knocked, her son had answered (maybe 7 or 8 yes old) and had said she was home and went to fetch her but no-one came back then the door..... she had run off! Talking to the officer they'd had complaints about the damage to cars etc. He said that he understood that she'd lost a child (the implication being killed by a driver on that road) so we explained that she had had a miscarriage and it was the cat that died on the road. He suddenly looked rather

There must be loads more about her - she was batshit crazy!

Looking forward to reading more tomorrow!

We once had neighbours who used our water for their house (their son owned the house we were renting). Quite literally had a hosepipe going from the downstairs loo in our house to their house. And one month the water bill was £5000 due to a leak in the water pipe (I think this is the reason for the hose pipe I'll have to double check with my dad) as well as paying for the water to our other NDN. Neither refused to pay anything towards it. Council ended up rectifying it once they'd been made aware of the problem. But yeah.. pipe from ours to their house for months. Was ridiculous.

Assuming the 'C' in CFN stands for cheeky, the worst example I know of is... me.

We had just moved to this house, and I was saying hello to the NDN for the first time. He told me he was retired. "Good for you", I said enthusiastically, "how much is your pension?"

We've barely spoken since. It's been 22 years.

Had nightmare neighbours sbout 6 years ago. There were many intolerable things but the thing that got to me most was that both houses had a one storey bathroom at the back, joined as we were mid terrace. Not only did their sons (6 and 3 at the time) think it was ok to climb out of the sash window their side to walk over to ours and try to get in, they also put the dog out of the window at night so that they didn't have to go downstairs to let it out to shit - meaning we had a bathroom roof covered in it!

We actually had lots of concerns about the boys. I can't remember who we contacted but I do remember a police officer visiting us to talk about everything we'd seen/heard.

The same day the neighbours were suddenly selling everything they had (the boys kept trying to get us to buy all their toys) and they disappeared overnight. Even left their kittens so we then had to find those two cuties a new home too.

.

Clearing my Dad's house out after he had died, knock at the door. CFN two doors up asking if I'd be willing to contribute to Dynorod coming out as his drain was blocked, this was before even checking whether my Dad's property was the cause! It wasn't, water wasn't flowing past my Dad's drain so the blockage HAD to be caused by a property further up. Turns out once the drain was unblocked nappies etc were to blame, which would have been his NDN attached! CFN

Gosh, some of these are awful! I have one too, though it's more amusing (to me anyway) than awful. I'm not sure who is the cheekier of the CFNs here - I'll let the Mumsnet jury decide...

Years ago I rented an old terraced cottage which was set on a sort of yard / cul-de-sac in the middle of a small Norfolk town. Said hard was unpaved and so on, but those of us who lived there each had a parking space (essentially a grassy bit with a big bramble hedge around it) up at the far end. There was a row of five terraced cottages, a couple of houses on the main road that backed onto the yard, and opposite the terrace there was a big stone barn, which looked ripe for conversion, yet somehow remained empty.

One day, I looked out of my front widow and saw that an old estate car had appeared opposite, parked right up against the barn. There it stayed, until eventually I bumped into my landlord (who lived in one of the houses on the road) and mentioned it in passing. And the story came out!

The whole yard and barn had belonged to an elderly lady who had sold the barn some years back to some bloke who wanted to covert it. She then passed away. Barn owner (who I never saw but we shall call him CFN1) then announced that he now owned not only the barn but also the yard, and that he planned to charge all of the yard occupants a parking fee. Elderly lady's son and heir (CFN2) then got involved and insisted that no, CFN1 had bought the barn and on,y the barn, and the yard was his (and in any case, LL assured me that we couldn't be charged as we had the right to keep a carriage there or something ).

The dispute had become steadily more acrimonious until CFN2 had acquired this car, and basically abandoned it right up against the barn, but on what was his own land. And since he was the legal owner and had declared it SORN, there was nothing CFN1 could do.

This thing sat there years, the upholstery went mouldy and everything... eventually I moved away and it was still there . I assume that either CFN1 sold the barn or some other resolution was reached as the barn has now been converted though. Or maybe the car still moulders on, perhaps with some geraniums planted on it

Spud what a weird situation! Do you ever feel tempted to drive over and just look to see if the car is still there?

Yes! But although you can see the end of the barn (so I can see it's now a house) you can't see the place where the car was from the road and there's really no reason that I would have for going up there - there isn't even a pavement on that side of the road so I can't just casually walk past either.

Although now I think back, I'm almost sure the barn was sold - I'm sure I remember having a nosy at the Rightmove listing. So presumably CFN2 is on more amicable terms with the new owner!

Don't understand how on Earth CFN1 managed to think he'd bought the whole yard though, when we bought our place the solicitor was shit hot on making it clear what was and wasn't ours

Fairly tame in CFN terms, but new neighbours moved in and their removal lorry parked across my drive. I work from home and am in and out all day so it was a proper arseache. In spite of politely asking them to ensure delivery vans etc can park more considerately, over the following month, every delivery they had, the driver parked across my drive. Every.Single.Time!

P.S. great thread idea!

GuiltyPleasure sounds like a child who lives on my street. I get them knocking at the door for my DS. Then:

'Can I have a drink of juice, I'm thirsty'
No, you live across the street, go and ask your mam.
'She doesn't buy nice juice like DS has'

CK (cheeky kid) sends my son in to ask for money for ice cream, even when DS doesn't want one and often sends him in for snacks and drinks.

One day a couple of weeks ago, my living room windows were open, but I couldn't see DS and CK from where I was sat and they couldn't see me in the living room, turns out they were sat at the end of our front fence on the ground. DS comes in and says 'CK has asked if we can have ice lollies because it's hot'. I asked 'is that because YOU want one or because CK wants you to get him one'. He confirmed he didn't want one and CK had sent him in. I said no and sent him out. Cue a few minutes later, this voice says 'Go and tell your mam that it's sooo hot out here and without ice lollies, we'll die' He nearly dropped his arse when I appeared from the front door and told him to stop being greedy and go home if he wanted something.

I'd be mortified if I found out DS was doing anything like that, and had to explain about being greedy and waiting until you're offered something if it's from someone else, but to ask only for him if he wants something from home. Cheeky little sod His mother just ignores me in the street now.

CFPO - CF Previous Owners
I bought a flat years ago - and moved in on the day of completion to find unwashed breakfast things in the sink - they had literally just left - and the furniture they didn't want still in situ - food in the cupboard - and a drawer FULL of lentils - and a scoop..! - I had to move them out before I could move in.. CFers..!

Hahaha the lentil drawer with scoop kills me 😂😂😂

I've just moves into a new house. On the left side is scary chavvy single mum with 5 kids. Lots of screaming at the kids at all times of the day. To the right is their scary dad complete with scary dog. Their youngest kid is CONSTANTLY in my front garden and occasionally the back. He kicks his ball in and comes to get it (not a problem for me to be honest). What is annoying is that I have come home today and I have a banana skin in my front garden and in the back a popped ball, a Lolly stick and my outside brush is broken and thrown on the grass. I'm now just waiting till I see the cheeky little shit in my garden again so I can have stern words ;).

We have a CFN. About a month ago he had a delivery of pebbles. Straight into the road in front of his house. We have on street parking only. I foolishly assumed the pebbles had been delivered for his garden or some other DIY purchase. But they've remained.

CFN drives a 4x4. He merrily trundles home each evening and parks his car on his reserved space on top of the stones. It's the most bizarre thing.

We have had lots of CFN over the years.

Property 2

Had communal parking spaces, our space was outside the NDN's house and theirs was next to our space. They didn't feel it fair that our space was closer to their house (literally about two metres closer) and decided to block our car in nearly every day to try and get us give them our space and park elsewhere. Told their feral children to leave their bikes and toys in our parking space as well, etc. Got really nasty, we moved away eventually - not before one of their mates tried to get us to agree/force to house swap (HA house) as it wasn't fair we had a three bedroom house and theirs was only two (despite us using all three bedrooms) and that they had kids and needed it more.

Property 2

First floor flat, one person below, one to the side. Old lady lived below, very quiet. Her granddaughter moved in with her boyfriend and the old lady eventually disappeared and it was just her granddaughter and the boyfriend. Loud music constantly, doors slamming, ridiculously loud sex with with windows open. If we made the slighest bit of noise, they would be banging telling us to shut the fuck up. Apparently they would make as much noise as they wanted but we couldn't.... We complained and it turned out the old woman was the tenant (HA property) and was forced to move back or lose the flat. Granddaughter moved out shortly after.

Flat next door to us, two druggies who would constantly bang on the door asking for money, food, lifts - they randomly disappeared one night leaving all their possessions.

Current property

Very happy here as not really any CFN BUT we have overheard comments about how it isn't fair that our house has a driveway for four cars and everyone else only has a driveway for two (no idea why ours has move parking) and we only have one car so we should let other people use it..... no one has said it to our face though and we wouldn't let them anyway. We paid extra for the house due to the driveway!

When me and DH lived in my old house we came home one sunny evening and decided to have a BBQ. I went out into the garden to get it ready while DH got the food ready. When I got outside to where the BBQ should have been it was gone I went back in and asked if DH had moved it and he said no. I then heard people next door in the garden so looked out the bedroom window to find them sat around enjoying MY BBQ. To say I swore a little is an understatement I said in my loud voice that if it wasn't returned then I would be calling the police for trespassing and theft. The CFNs older brother returned my BBQ as CFN was probably too scared of me and the mouthful I'd give him so I gave it to his brother instead I wouldn't mind but CFNs mum was inside the house at the time and never said a word. We swiftly had a 6ft fence erected the following week. I wouldn't mind but it's not as if we weren't friendly as they had lived there for years and I saved CFNs from getting beaten up but that's another story

When I was 16 I had my own place. Rent was a steal as I used to babysit for the owners and they moved away with work but didn't want to sell. I worked and went to college. Because I was so young, single and living alone with no children I became the subject of a lot of gossip from the busybody across the road. Some of the rumours about me I heard were brilliant. Best one was that I was a prostitute running a brothel. Apparently I was madam, prostitute, junkie lesbian who was sleeping with the single man next door. But at the same time, he was gay and also involved somehow in the evening trade. Yep. Maybe my pimp? Single man next door was a right laugh (and far too old for me to be remotely interested in) though and we decided one day to get bathroom male and female signs and stick them above our doors which were side by side (terrace). He also popped round with a red light bulb one day and told me if I was running a house of ill repute I should do it right. So up went the red lamp under the window for a week.

I wasn't one for parties and worked really hard to have my little house. It was bloody spotless too! I didn't have many boyfriends over the 5 years living there and was on great terms with all the neighbours who knew me. So far from a neighbour from hell. Busybody never wanted to get to know me, which is a shame. Though letting her wind herself up with the red lamp and the male/female signs was funny. I should have been worse because she kept calling the RSPCA on me. I had two cats, a Great Dane and my parrot. The RSPCA actually put a stop on attending complaints about my address as they knew my babies were perfectly happy and the calls were malicious.

I've no idea why she said all those things about me. She wouldn't even say hello when I spoke to her. Weird woman.

I think my CFN's wife is a mumsnetter.

The heap of pebbles has been swiftly shovelled away!

NDN wouldn't let anyone park in or on the verges of the back lane, not even for a few minutes to get groceries out, "because there's an old lady up the road who needs an ambulance from time to time." She was absolutely furious when we temporarily parked a skip on the verge (on OUR land!) and kept coming and knocking and complaining, despite the fact that the massive garbage lorry could still get up and down the back lane, no problem at all.

Turned out the real reason for not letting anyone park was that she was a really shit driver; she kept taking out her side mirrors passing the skip. I figured if the garbage lorry could get by, it was definitely not our problem.

Mines a bit hard to explain and could probably do with a diagram, but...

We lived in a cul de sac, the last house at the back. Our next door neighbours were in the next cul de sac but their house and front garden was next to ours. I caught a child cycling across both our front lawns and flower beds and told him firmly to stop and not to cycle across them again. A few minutes later a raging woman came to my door and started screaming at me. Apparently her son lived in the next cul de sac and was using our neighbours and our front garden to cut through as 'he wasnt old enough to be out on the road'.

My neighbours probably think I'm the cheeky one! I put up a 6 foot fence between our gardens because my children were scared of their dogs and I was sick of the sight of them and their bags of rubbish all over the garden. Everybody on the street thought it was hilarious that they accused me of being antisocial 😂