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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to have no sympathy for people suffering from "gender disappointment"?

212 replies

SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 04:41

I met a pregnant friend for coffee who shared that she had been crying on and off all week because she found out she was carrying a boy. I laughed because I thought she must have been kidding, and was told off for being callous...Confused

When I told this story to a friend at work, she said it was common and shared that her husband sulked for days when they found out they were having a girl. Hmm

Am I missing something? It seems really childlike to be disappointed over something that was only ever a 50/50 chance?

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 31/07/2017 04:42

YANBU.

With all the people who can't have children, or miscarry, or give birth to very ill babies...I find it hard to have sympathy for this.

Placebogirl · 31/07/2017 04:58

You can have no sympathy, but it doesn't make you a better person than someone with gender disappointment to feel that way. There are all sorts of things I have no sympathy for, but that makes me a worse person, not a better one.

There are all sorts of reasons why people get gender disappointment, not a small few of them related to abuse the parents themselves suffered as children.

Yes, infertility and child loss are awful and I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but that doesn't mean I can't have sympathy for someone whom I know desperately wanted something they didn't get.

inkzooka · 31/07/2017 04:59

That seems so sad? Like, the kid is constantly going to be something they cried over and didn't want, even thuogh they'll probably love it when it arrives.

counterpoint · 31/07/2017 05:05

I can only feel extreme sadness for the baby of such individuals.

hana32 · 31/07/2017 05:19

For me personally, I didn't care either way what gender my DC was.

However I think sometimes if a person had a strong feeling their baby was going to be a certain gender, or had a strong preference for one over the other, there can be a lot of hopes and dreams attached to that already - they may have pictured in their minds the baby, child, maybe even future adult they will be come, and get very attached to this. Gender can play a big role in this eg imagining a close mother daughter relationship like the one you had yourself (or never had).

It's natural then that it's possible to feel initially sad when you discover later in your pregnancy (or even at birth) that your baby is in fact not what you imagined but is the opposite sex. It might be that some people have to almost mourn the child they thought/hoped they were going to have before they can embrace the idea of the child they have actually got. I don't think that's a terrible thing, I think it's understandable.

Kittymum03 · 31/07/2017 05:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cocklodger · 31/07/2017 05:27

I'd never say anything to anyone directly but I did find it so hard to listen to when ttc.
I'd be sitting there desperate for a baby, either sex I wouldn't have cared (and didn't when I did finally have a child) and I listened to someone saying similar things about how they were so disappointed. I reassured them they'd feel different when baby was here then went home and sobbed for around an hour feeling very frustrated and angry that I didn't "deserve" a baby yet someone ungrateful would. Seems very mean of me now though Sad
In any case, I think these kinds of thoughts are best off in private with a counsellor rather than upsetting those who are infertile etc. it's really hard when someone is pregnant and happy but I found it 100x worse listening to someone wishing they weren't pregnant anymore because they were having the wrong gender

13ReasonsWhy · 31/07/2017 05:28

I don't really have sympathy for them but then I'm not known for my empathy!

I do understand it though. I quite wanted one of each but got 2 lovely boys and was delighted I did. I sometimes wondered what it would have been like with a daughter and think I thought more carefully about trying for a third child than I would have if we'd already had a son and daughter.

There's nothing wrong with going 'pink shopping' or 'off to find robot wallpaper'. You can deny the existence of differences between males and females but that doesn't mean you can force your ideas and "don't gender me" nonsense on other people.

Tilapia · 31/07/2017 05:29

A lot of people have a picture in their minds about the child their unborn baby will turn in to and daydream about things they'll do together. That picture often involves one sex or the other (because it's quite hard to imagine a child without their gender being part of them), and it can be confusing or upsetting when you are told that your happy daydream is wrong. You don't have to feel sympathetic if you don't want to, but I think it is quite a common, natural feeling. Usually people pull themselves together when the baby is born!

My DH had a slight preference for a girl (not sure why). But when DS was born he loved him so much that he hoped the next one would be a boy too (it wasn't) because he couldn't imagine loving a girl as much! He adores DD too.

WiganPierre · 31/07/2017 05:29

YABU. Many people do have a gender preference, but it's taboo to say so because of rude comments. I wanted a girl, I didn't mind having one boy as long as I got a girl as well. Two boys would be my WORST NIGHTMARE. Thankfully, that didn't happen. Talking to friends, it seems the majority of them had similar feelings. Of course, boys are often the preference in other cultures.

AnotherLegoBrick · 31/07/2017 05:33

Wigan - why would it be your Worst Nightmare though? I'm not being difficult, as the mother of three boys I'm just interested.

Cheby · 31/07/2017 05:35

YABU

both pregnancies I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I wanted a girl. I can't tell you why, I don't know. Logically it made no sense, both pregnancies were planned, I picked out boys names both times, I knew it was a 50/50 chance, but I still felt like that once pregnant.

We found out as early as possible both times because I knew i would have to adjust to the idea if the baby was a boy. It was much worse in my second pregnancy.

Thankfully we had 2 girls and are planning no more. I guess my point is I didn't choose or intend to feel that way, I didn't want to either, call me childish if you will but I'm not quite sure what I could have done about it.

Tilapia · 31/07/2017 05:36

Wigan - I think your choice if language kind of proves the OP's point! Surely your worst nightmare would have been if you couldn't get pregnant at all?

DryHeave · 31/07/2017 05:41

"Oh that's a shame, was hoping for a girl" was my MIL's response to being told the sex. Her first grandchild. That made me cry for the rest of the day.

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 05:46

YABU as just because we don't understand something it doesn't mean it's wrong. - I agree and am hoping someone will say something I can relate to and help me understand it.

But I would also say: just because we feel something it doesn't mean it's right.

Having an expectation that odds will be altered by your fantasy is the kind of magical thinking most of us leave behind in childhood.

OP posts:
Tootsiepops · 31/07/2017 05:46

I understand that it's upsetting for some people, but I needed ivf to have my daughter, so I'm only going to be confused by gender disappointment rather than sympathetic. I can't get too worked up about it though - people feel how they feel and there's not much anyone can do about it.

BifsWif · 31/07/2017 05:47

You can have no sympathy, but it doesn't make their disappointment any less valid.

I had gender disappointment, it was actually caused by, or a symptom of, perinatal mental health issues. All fine now and feel horrified that I ever thought I didn't want my gorgeous daughter.

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 05:48

DryHeave I'm so sorry that happened. What an odd thing for a MIL to say.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 31/07/2017 05:51

No sympathy from me either, I'm probably a bit harsher actually. If people have such a strong preference either way they shouldn't have children. It's deeply unfair for a child to be born, having already failed the ridiculous expectations of their parent by being the wrong sex.

Kittymum03 · 31/07/2017 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kateandme · 31/07/2017 05:57

i always thought Id have a niggle at favourin one over the other but its fleeting.when I think of giving birth boy or girl makes me then feel joyous

Kittymum03 · 31/07/2017 05:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PetalMettle · 31/07/2017 06:00

I posed about this a few months ago and the majority seemed to think iwbu www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2881611-To-not-understand-gender-grief tbh i still wouldn't say I fully understand it but at least I can see why people might feel it a little more

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/07/2017 06:03

People cannot help their feelings. Everyone is self absorbed to a certain extent. Just because you didn't feel like this, it doesn't make you superior, it makes you lacking in empathy, which is a narcissistic trait. I say this as a mother, who struggled to conceive and had a fair amount of ivf to have my dd.

It is disgusting and self absorbed to tell your dil that they are disappointed DryHeave.

MidnightAura · 31/07/2017 06:12

As someone who is who is about to start fertility treatment, I can't have any sympathy for people who moan about the gender. Yanbu

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