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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - to have no sympathy for people suffering from "gender disappointment"?

212 replies

SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 04:41

I met a pregnant friend for coffee who shared that she had been crying on and off all week because she found out she was carrying a boy. I laughed because I thought she must have been kidding, and was told off for being callous...Confused

When I told this story to a friend at work, she said it was common and shared that her husband sulked for days when they found out they were having a girl. Hmm

Am I missing something? It seems really childlike to be disappointed over something that was only ever a 50/50 chance?

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 31/07/2017 09:32

I'm currently pregnant with my second son. There are no girls on my husbands side of the family. I always imagined myself with a girl and would've loved to have had the first granddaughter.

When we had the scan the sonographer asked me if I could see whether I was having a boy or a girl. Couldn't miss that penis on the screen!
I am delighted that my son will have a brother close in age, but I did briefly feel sad that I didn't get my girl.
I'm now annoyed by the comments I keep getting "oooh two boys! That's a shame" and find myself getting very defensive of my second son-my first son is an absolute joy and delight and charms the pants off anyone so if his little brother is anything like him I'll be a very lucky mamma indeed!
I can understand the brief disappointment at not having a particular gender, however I find it very hard to imagine how much that can impact on someone's pregnancy. I had a close friend once confess that she didn't bond at all whilst pregnant as she wanted a girl and her baby was a boy! That I find very sad, and i can see the argument of not knowing the gender until delivery!

Anxietyreallyblows · 31/07/2017 09:32

I'm not sure if it's gender disappointment but I suppose it must be. When I found my little boy was a boy I was shocked and on edge. I was expecting a girl, everyone said he was, and my miscarried baby were (in my mind anyway) boys. I also had a 'psychic' Hmm friend convincing me of my babies sex. So many times I heard 'maybe you just can't carry boys' so it sent my anxiety through the roof. It's not logical but antenatal depression and anxiety aren't logical or reasonable, much like postnatal may not be.

I lost and found it hard ttc but that didn't stop the odd feeling. If you asked me before my baby boy I would say I didn't get it either but now I can see reasons.

MargaretCavendish · 31/07/2017 09:36

I completely feel like this - that I just can't have sympathy for anything but the mildest gender disappointment - but I've realised I just need to keep that to myself because it is very common. When I'd just been to a scan where I'd been told I'd have a third miscarriage I was a bit nasty on a gender disappointment thread and the OP went mental at me, which was actually probably fair enough. It makes me feel so, so jealous to hear people talk about gender disappointment because I just can't believe you'd feel it if you'd ever really doubted that you could have a healthy pregnancy at all. Gender disappointment threads and 'how did you tell your DH you were pregnant?' threads both make me cry because I know I'll never experience that certainty that everything will work out with a pregnancy. But that's my thing not theirs and (that one, regrettable, mad moment aside) I never ever post on them.

nachogazpacho · 31/07/2017 09:36

I think there is a difference between gender worries when pregnant and having a child and telling them they weren't wanted. The difference is whether the mother is able to love unconditionally. I am, my dm wasn't.

Sleepthief84 · 31/07/2017 09:39

I don't understand disappointment but then it's never happened to me. I try not to judge. We didn't find out the sex (didn't mind either way) when I was pregnant, and I was convinced DD was a boy. When she was born I almost had to re-get to know her because in my head I felt like I'd bonded with a little boy baby - that was all down to me though getting it wrong. It wasn't an issue I was delighted with her.

Next time i think I'd like to find out the sex. I wouldn't care what it was though, truly. It'd be nice to have one of each but I can't understand someone who is lucky enough to have a healthy baby saying one or the other is a disaster. If we have two daughters, great. A daughter and a son, great. You love your children regardless.

nachogazpacho · 31/07/2017 09:40

There is a very heartbreaking gender disappointment thread started this morning in aibu. It is triggering though but might shed some light on why having dc cam dredge up some very complex emotions. I can imagine also why those who struggle to conceive find it hard to understand. Some of us just didn't know if we'd be good parents because of what happened to us as kids.

Mulledwine1 · 31/07/2017 09:43

This kind of links with the thread a few weeks ago about finding out what you are having before the baby is born. If you really really want one sex and find out you are having the other, I wonder if it's better to find out at birth when you are grateful the baby is safely there and all in one piece so to speak. Instead of finding out at 20 weeks when you've got loads of hormones sloshing about you and have another 20 weeks to be disappointed with what you're going to have. Or you have 20 weeks to come to terms with it. I suppose it works both ways.

LetsSplashMummy · 31/07/2017 09:43

I didn't have any gender preference but when we found out DC2s sex, I knew in advance I'd feel a little sad whichever way it went. It was my last baby, so I think it was a bit more to do with that- "I'll never..." it is a little bit like all the theoretical vs real life, I'll never have a tiny baby, I'll never have a little red head etc. Not real sadness.

So I suppose I can relate a little bit but wouldn't have said anything to anyone other than DH and wasn't sad when we did find out, just in advance.

BasketOfDeplorables · 31/07/2017 09:45

I can understand how the sex of the baby ends up getting caught up in various issues and fears. I know someone who was afraid she would forget the son she lost and be guilty of replacing him if she had another boy. The real issue was fearing that she would forget her lost child, and probably guilt that she had lost him in the first place, despite there not being anything she could have done. It was more fear of confronting those issues for her, and she felt that she wouldn't have to confront them if she had a girl, rather than another son.

I do think things like that are miles away from 'I want a boy so I can play football with him' or 'I want a girl because the clothes are pretty'.

Personally I had no preference when pregnant with DD, and feel the same with this pregnancy. It annoys me when people stereotype babies - people are always telling me boys are like this and girls are like this, when I see no evidence for it in front of me.

Imaginosity · 31/07/2017 09:53

I have two boys and recently had a girl. I'm not close to my mum - she's very difficult to get on with, a bit of an alcoholic etc. When i found out i was having a girl i felt really uneasy as I could not imagine being a mother to a girl. This was despite the fact that I had had a lot of miscarriages before getting pregnant and treatment for cancer that reduced my likelihood of getting pregnant. It took me a few weeks to feel comfortable with the idea of a girl - although I only told this to DH. Once she was born it was all totally irrelevant as she is her own little person.

ElsaMars · 31/07/2017 09:56

I'm on my 2nd pregnancy and genuinely don't mind what I have. I was looking forward to finding out so I can plan.

We've just found out baby has a one in 15 chance of Downs, so what genitalia the baby has is the least of my worries to be frank.

And anyone crying over the gender would be getting short shrift from me at the moment.

alltouchedout · 31/07/2017 09:56

I don't get it either. When I was pregnant with ds3 the number of people who screwed up their faces and said something along the lines of "aw bet you wish it was a girl" was ridiculous though. No, I never wished any of my lovely sons were daughters Confused

valeriarrgh · 31/07/2017 10:04

We lost our first daughter, it was difficult when we found out our second baby was also a girl. I wasn't disappointed it was mostly due to the reactions of others if I'm honest.

People were already treating us like this new baby 'fixed' things and I didn't want her to be seen as a replacement. And I did get some questions from well meaning people, asking did I think it would have been 'easier' if she had been a boy? Which of course, it wouldn't.

Was I ok with it being another girl was another one, of course it was bitter sweet but I just answered that I didn't care what she was as long as she was born alive.

SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 10:05

ElsaMars what a worrying time for you, wishing you all the best Flowers

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 10:13

Secondary question- for those who think people experiencing gender disappointment should be indulged and sympathised with:

Is it just for pregnant women? Or fathers as well?

When my colleague was 12 weeks pregnant with a girl and her husband was stomping around their house like Henry VIII - should she have told him how sorry she was for his loss? Sympathised with him?

Because if my brothers or a male friend was carrying on like he did I would have taken him aside and told him to pull his head in.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 31/07/2017 10:17

I think it is a matter of degree. I can understand someone having a preference, hell we have a preference over lots of very unimportant things like the brand of tea we buy, but I can't understand the full on grieving. I know someone with 5 boys, she can't afford 5 children but kept trying for "The Girl" and I feel so sorry for the boys, as soon as she has the scan she starts planning for her next attempt, the baby is dismissed before it is even born.

My MIL was desperate for me to have a girl, a pretty little girl, lovely all dressed in pink frills. I lost it with her one day, I have 3 sons and a daughter, and said how would she feel if I had a girl who wore Doc Martins, had a crew cut and wore jeans and t shirts and never ever wore pink or frills and was definitely not her idea of pretty. She almost had a coronary. The thing is the fantasy baby might not fit into what the parents expect the "ideal" boy or girl to be. What then?

VestalVirgin · 31/07/2017 10:18

People who are disappointed about the gender of their baby are being unreasonable, they could just not force gender, which is a harmful social construct, on their baby, and they'd be fine.Wink

Being disappointed at the sex of a baby, okay, I haven't been there, I suppose people cannot help their feelings and in some cases there's good reasons for it (but I very much judge women who have female fetuses aborted for being female, and the men who pressure and force them to.)

Kitslefttesty · 31/07/2017 10:19

Currently pregnant, it's taken a while to get to this point. All I really want is a healthy baby.

This will be my 2nd DC, my partners 1st. I already have a DD and would like this baby to be a boy.

My mum had my sister with my stepdad, 8 year gap between us, just like there will be with my DC. From the moment she was born I felt as though I was treated differently, still do to this day. I'm terrified of the baby being a girl and DD1 growing up feeling how I felt as a child. I feel if it's a boy, it's harder to compare yourself too as a child, if that makes sense.

But ultimately, I know I'm just worrying about how the dynamics will change and if I'm doing the right thing for my DD, I know she will be a fabulous big sister and I know I will be on the ball with making sure she feels just as loved and secure in the new set up.

RainaBaina · 31/07/2017 10:19

I've always wondered actually that. Are father indulged in the same way over so-called gender disappointment?

Given that it's almost always women disappointed about having boys, are fathers-to-be allowed to weep over the prospect of a daughter? Or would people give them short shrift for it?
I'm imagining a thread along the lines of "my DH is moping about saying he just doesn't know what to do with girls and always dreamed of having a son and never bonded with his mother so dreads raising a female child etc etc".

Wonder what the responses would be?

VestalVirgin · 31/07/2017 10:21

I lost it with her one day, I have 3 sons and a daughter, and said how would she feel if I had a girl who wore Doc Martins, had a crew cut and wore jeans and t shirts and never ever wore pink or frills and was definitely not her idea of pretty. She almost had a coronary.

Well, if you did have such a girl, then your MIL's feelings would indeed be accurately described as gender disappointment.

VestalVirgin · 31/07/2017 10:32

Given that it's almost always women disappointed about having boys, are fathers-to-be allowed to weep over the prospect of a daughter? Or would people give them short shrift for it?

Which people? Society in general would applaud them -. see China, see India, see the example of Henry VIII. It is considered normal and expected for men to want a copy of themselves and to acquire it by exploiting women.

Here on mumsnet, men might be given short shrift for wanting sons, because let's face it, the women here are very aware that carrying a pregnancy for nine months and then going through birth is very different from, you know, just using someone else's body to try and make a copy of yourself.

Stop trying to equate very different things. Reality matters.

If a woman is foolish enough to go through 5 pregnancies in order to have a daughter, then it is her body that's harmed by it, and the boys have still a chance to be loved by their father.

If a man in patriarchy forces a woman to go through pregnancy after pregnancy so he can have a son, then HE does not suffer for his foolishness, the woman does, and the daughters haven't much chance to be loved by their mother, either, when she knows there's another forced pregnancy coming after giving birth to a girl.

MargaretCavendish · 31/07/2017 10:42

If a man in patriarchy forces a woman to go through pregnancy after pregnancy so he can have a son, then HE does not suffer for his foolishness, the woman does, and the daughters haven't much chance to be loved by their mother, either, when she knows there's another forced pregnancy coming after giving birth to a girl.

But now you've come up with another, different and far worse scenario. The pp wasn't asking about a man insisting that they had five children to get a boy, she was asking about one who moped and whinged about a girl. And I agree that that man would get short shrift.

I'm also not convinced that the woman having five children to get a girl is really making a decision that only affects/harms herself. I don't have children, but my understanding is that they cost quite a lot and take up a lot of everyone's time once they're here. It might primarily take a toll on the woman, but it's mad to pretend it won't affect her partner and - particularly importantly - existing children if she carries on this mad quest for a daughter.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 31/07/2017 10:51

I will be honest and say I was fleetingly disappointed when I knew dd2 was a girl. And by fleetingly I mean I looked at a pirate baby grow in Tesco for 5 minutes and felt a bit disappointed I wouldn't be able to buy one. First world problem!

The dds are best friends and peas in a pod I wouldn't change a thing.

My dad said if I was a boy he would have left my mum. And meant it. That's mental but so wax he

SolomanDaisy · 31/07/2017 10:55

I have no sympathy for them either. I would never say so to someone's face, or even on a thread here, because I try not to be rude and it won't help. But generally it flags the person as self-indulgent, entitled and ill prepared for parenthood generally.

Beebee7 · 31/07/2017 10:55

It's incredibly harsh to say 'having boys is my worst nightmare!'

That would be very hurtful to people who had boys and wanted a girl. (I would imagine people who wanted boys wouldn't care!)

But yeah I can understand people being disappointed if they wanted one gender and they got another. Shame for the kid though. Sad