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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to have no sympathy for people suffering from "gender disappointment"?

212 replies

SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 04:41

I met a pregnant friend for coffee who shared that she had been crying on and off all week because she found out she was carrying a boy. I laughed because I thought she must have been kidding, and was told off for being callous...Confused

When I told this story to a friend at work, she said it was common and shared that her husband sulked for days when they found out they were having a girl. Hmm

Am I missing something? It seems really childlike to be disappointed over something that was only ever a 50/50 chance?

OP posts:
Piratesandpants · 31/07/2017 07:50

Myname - your example portrays exactly what I mean. It's bewildering and complicated. Remarks on this thread make it feel even worse.

RobotGoat · 31/07/2017 07:51

I was disappointed when I found out DD was going to be a girl. I had a very difficult relationship with my older DB growing up, and I was worried that DS and DD would have a similar relationship. I got over it and realised they were completely different people to me and DB, but I was initially disappointed. There may be lots of reasons why people want one or the other gender - doesn't have to extreme as a history of abuse for it to be valid.

tiredandfrustrated · 31/07/2017 07:54

I always saw myself with a little girl. I'm very girly and that's what I foresaw for myself. When I found out my first baby was a boy in the scan, I was completely thrown. I didn't know what to do with a boy. I was shocked.

I now have 2 boys and I can 100% say they are absolutely the children I was meant to have. I have no interest in trying for a girl.

So you can have those feelings but be ok in the long run.

Headofthehive55 · 31/07/2017 07:55

shark
One if each is odd as it implies that you could only have two possible outcomes. Having two girls then implies that they are the same, which they are not, they are individual people with their own characteristics.

Rainontheflowers · 31/07/2017 07:56

I didn't have gender disappointment with DD, but I understand why some people do. A woman I know had a still birth ds, then went on to have two dd's. When she was pregnant with her third and last baby, she did hope that they would be a boy. I think she was disappointed for a while, but now wouldn't change her girl for the world. I couldn't help but have sympathy for her.

I also have a friend who had two still born little boys, so I think she was pleased to carry a girl as she was unsure if she could carry boys.

You never know peoples reasons for feeling the way they do.

MargaretCabbage · 31/07/2017 07:58

I do have empathy to some extent. I can see how people might have built up a picture in their mind and might have a period of grief for what won't be. I would hope for most people that's all it would be, and it would be completely forgotten by the time the baby arrived.

I had no preference for the sex of my babies, but my first was a boy and when pregnant with my second I could only picture life with another son because that's what I was used to. I was delighted when I found out she was a girl, but I was also a bit sad that I'd never have the two boys I had imagined. It was brief.

silkpyjamasallday · 31/07/2017 08:03

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I feel sorry for the children born to people who are intent on reinforcing gender stereotypes. A person is a person and what they have between their legs has no bearing on their personality or what toys they will want to play with or what their interests will be. Rigid gender stereotypes harm everyone in society, and perpetuating them through children is wrong. A child is a blessing, regardless of their sex, to be disappointed and moan and sulk because you didn't get what you wanted is horrible, and posting about it on here is pretty insensitive considering how many posting on here are struggling with infertility and would be overjoyed to have any child. I think it is best to keep feelings of gender disappointment to yourself, it doesn't matter in the scheme of things and people do and will think badly of someone who is open about it.

HemmieH · 31/07/2017 08:08

All my life I wanted one little girl and I wanted to name her a specific name Blush. I got my girl but it makes me wonder what I would have felt in the first instance if I had found out she was a boy as I had visualised it for so long.

MummaThree · 31/07/2017 08:11

I think people get their hopes up too high for a certain gender. My sister who is expecting her first (due just days before me as I'm expecting my third) had convinced herself that she was having a girl. I did tell her to not get her hopes up as it is 50/50 and I don't want her to be upset if it turns out she's having a boy.

Well we both found out what we were having and she found out she is in fact having a boy! She did admit to feeling a little disappointed because she'd wanted a girl but she didn't let it eat away at her. She went out and brought loads of boy bits and ended up getting really excited about having a boy. I on the other hand found out I'm having a girl which probably didn't help how she was feeling.

Regardless of gender, a healthy baby is all that matters

13ReasonsWhy · 31/07/2017 08:12

JassyRadlett I don't think it was the subtlety as much as that you learnt the meaning of irony from Alanis Morissette.

Who is talking about gender stereotyping? No one should be forced to fit a type although I do believe that there are male and female 'types' and of course, enormous variations and overlaps between these two types.

HeadofTheHive55

"One if each is odd as it implies that you could only have two possible outcomes."

There are only two possible outcomes, ignoring statically irrelevant anomalies.

NoSleepSinceSpring · 31/07/2017 08:15

Wigan Two boys would be my WORST NIGHTMARE. Thankfully, that didn't happen

Infertility, repeat miscarriage and second trimester loss would be my WORST NIGHTMARE. Sadly, that did happen.

I'd love to have had the mind space during pregnancy to give even the slightest shit about the sex of my baby.

I now have a lovely DS and I'm smitten. He's perfect. I'd LOVE to give him a brother or sister (sadly that probably won't happen). The thought of two little boys (or a boy and a girl) playing together melts my heart.

Waitingonasmile · 31/07/2017 08:16

This is the only way I can explain it and sorry for the essay. Until born, your baby is a sort of abstract being that we can't physically see (except by ultrasound) or touch. All our thoughts, longings and imaginings about the baby are complete fantasy and about someone we haven't met yet.

When we imagine this baby and what our lives will be like many people (myself included) imagine one sex in particular. It can therefore be difficult when it's revealed the sex is not what you imagined and you need to readjust all these dreams and scenarios that were played out in your head.

When the baby is born it's suddenly a real person who you can see and touch. At that point (for me) the sex no longer matters. You now have met this brand new person who is no longer just an imaginary being you daydreamed about. You now can bond with/love the reality and no longer have to rely on false dreams/your imagination.

Flambola · 31/07/2017 08:17

My first baby was stillborn, and he was a boy. I'm terrified of carrying boys.

JassyRadlett · 31/07/2017 08:19

I don't think it was the subtlety as much as that you learnt the meaning of irony from Alanis Morissette.

Oh dear, poor you. You seem to have become confused along the way:

Irony (n): the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.

Who is talking about gender stereotyping?

The people to whom you so witheringly and hyperbolically responded, given how we code and edit our children's choices pretty much from birth, and people's negative responses to their stereotypical idea of having a baby of a certain sex.

MummaThree · 31/07/2017 08:23

@Flambola Flowers

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 08:24

Most people seem to agree that once the baby is born, all feelings of disappointment fade away - is that right?

If that's the case, wouldn't it make more sense for people who know they have a strong preference either way to just not find out the sex of their baby until it is born?

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 31/07/2017 08:27

People are allowed to feel what they feel, but having said that.

It's not about you it's about the child.

Lots of discussion about how parents feel and what the rights of the parents are. Bottom line every child deserves to be wanted. Every child should be loved for who they are not for their genitalia. I'm really sorry for people with issues but if you don't feel able to love the child you have and not the child you want should you really have a child?

This thread demonstrates why society is in such a mess over the trans issue. So much pressure, misery and disappointment placed on children before they are born for something they have no control over.

Parenting is about loving them not thinking about yourself.

OP YANBU.

Rossigigi · 31/07/2017 08:28

I can't see how people can be upset. All I wanted was a healthy baby. Surely that's the wish?
If I had a £ for every time someone asked was I hoping for a girl after ds1 I could have bought my pram!! As it was I had 2 ds's and I was so happy and still am for them both.

PumpkinSpiceEverything · 31/07/2017 08:29

Seems horrific when you think about it. I had a friend who was so excited about her first pregnancy, constantly posting updates/bump selfies/decorating and doing things related to becoming a Mum. They had a massive gender reveal party and announced her name and everything.

Pregnancy #2 the whole first half she used a hashtag along the lines of "pleasebeaboy" and when they found out it was another girl, she didn't announce it in any happy way and was clearly disappointed and hasn't really posted much about her pregnancy at all, no name picked, not wanting to talk about it.

I think it's just rotten, poor baby won't be as loved as her big sister if she keeps it up.

13ReasonsWhy · 31/07/2017 08:33

JassyRadlett Well done for using whom correctly [thumbsup]. It's a pity that you think superfluous adverbs dependent clauses make you sound more intelligent.

FWIW, we don't "code and edit our children's choices". You may, but I mean 'we' in the general sense.

Got to go. There's a black fly in my Chardonnay and my free ride's here (shame I've paid already).

Waitingonasmile · 31/07/2017 08:34

Well for me I would rather know because then I could readjust my ideas. Rather than imagine the baby being a certain sex I can focus on the reality.

It is all just a fantasy though isn't it. Even if you have the boy or girl you want they are very unlikely to be exactly like this dream child you've imagined. It can still be hard letting go of the imagined life you've had though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/07/2017 08:35

Snap8

Wtf? Abusive? I never said I didn't want a boy. Can't you see the difference between wanting a girl and not wanting a boy? I'm sure I would have loved a ds equally. I'm sure I would have got over the desire. Much as I have had to get over the aching desire to have another child.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/07/2017 08:35

It baffles me more than anything.
I can understand preference, but not full on disappointment. You get what you're given.

BetterEatCheese · 31/07/2017 08:36

My SIL was very sad when her second son was born. Logically she knew she was BU but she had a fantasy of a very close and special mother daughter bond like she has with her mother, and knew he was her last child.

I think more people feel like this than would admit it

JassyRadlett · 31/07/2017 08:37

As it was I had 2 ds's and I was so happy and still am for them both.

I'm in the same boat, and if I had that pound for every time it's been suggested my family isn't 'finished', or I've been asked whether I'll try again for a girl, I'd have a good downpayment for the extension we may need to house three males over 6'. (Which is, frankly, the only reasonable prediction it is possible to make about what they will be like.)