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To not understand "gender grief"

(113 Posts)
PetalMettle Sun 19-Mar-17 08:35:53

E.g. Being "devastated" that you're expecting one gender over another? Maybe it's because I had a long wait for what looks like my one and only child or because I've seen people who desperately want children unable to have them, but I actually get quite annoyed that people say they have such strong preferences.
However this does seem to be quite common and universally acknowledged as a thing which the mother should be sympathised with and cosseted for.
Am I weird for feeling like it's very self indulgent unless there's a reason like an inherited disease one gender doesn't get?

quicklydecides Sun 19-Mar-17 08:38:44

Well i don't understand people who go to bed at the same time every night.
There you go, we've both discovered that other people are not the same as us!

PetalMettle Sun 19-Mar-17 08:38:49

I guess I should add where there's not structural reasons for e.g. Preferring a boy so you don't get stuck with massive dowry payments

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot Sun 19-Mar-17 08:40:00

Yes, you're weird

Of course people welcome the child they get, but being wistful for the not-quite-real one you had hopes for during pregnancy is utterly normal. And best met with understanding, not scorn.

PaperdollCartoon Sun 19-Mar-17 08:40:21

The human mind is strange and turns up things that don't always make sense.

AuntieStella Sun 19-Mar-17 08:40:47

Agree with quickly !

PetalMettle Sun 19-Mar-17 08:41:27

But @quicklydecides that's a bit different isn't it? this is about not being grateful for what you have. I guess a closer equivalent would be someone feeling grief about a free meal they've been treated to as it was Italian and not Chinese

BirdPerson Sun 19-Mar-17 08:41:52

I am currently expecting and desperately hope it is a boy. If it is a girl, yes I will be disappointed. Generally when a person doesn't get something they really want, they become disappointed. I'm sure I will get over it though, as will most parents.

CrochetBelle Sun 19-Mar-17 08:42:23

I'm grateful I've never experienced this. It is very real, and very heartbreaking, I imagine.
Just because I haven't experienced it, doesn't mean I can't respect it. It's called empathy

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway Sun 19-Mar-17 08:42:50

Yanbu to not understand it but yabu to be so judgmental and annoyed about something that, by your own admission, you don't understand.
Or is this just a 'come on everyone let's have a pop at these awful people' threads hmm

LostSight Sun 19-Mar-17 08:43:06

Is that really a thing now? It sounds really sad. I just hoped my children would be be born safely and were healthy.

noeffingidea Sun 19-Mar-17 08:43:11

whiskey there's a difference between being 'wistful' and 'devastated' though, surely?
I can't really understand it either, OP. Surely a baby is an individual human being, first and foremost, before being a boy or a girl.

Knifegrinder Sun 19-Mar-17 08:43:42

Has 'gender disappointment' now been upgraded to 'gender grief???

And it's sex disappointment/grief, rather than gender, anyway, though the reason no one says that is it sounds like something to do withberectile dysfunction

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway Sun 19-Mar-17 08:43:52

Yup. Looks like.

PetalMettle Sun 19-Mar-17 08:45:11

It's not let's have a pop, I just genuinely can't understand it. Point taken though that just because I can't understand something doesn't mean I should judge those experiencing it, as a pp said mental health is a funny thing and I wouldn't say "I can't understand why anorexics don't just eat"

DonaldStott Sun 19-Mar-17 08:45:38

Yabu for speaking of dowry payments. Are you from the past?

PetalMettle Sun 19-Mar-17 08:46:16

@knifegrinder "sex grief" has made me giggle somewhat however.

RueDeDay Sun 19-Mar-17 08:46:17

I desperately wanted a little girl, any have a little girl. I'm sure, had I had a boy, that I would have loved him just as much as I love DD and wouldn't have been able to imagine having it any other way, but equally I would still have mourned the girl I didn't have, for a time at least. I think if you have a gender preference which doesn't work out, that's a really normal reaction.

PetalMettle Sun 19-Mar-17 08:46:43

I was talking about structural issues - so at any point in culture/time

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway Sun 19-Mar-17 08:46:59

There have been some very interesting and informative threads about it in the past. I think advanced search might be a good bet if you're genuinely interested in understanding the subject.

BellonaBelladonna Sun 19-Mar-17 08:47:50

I agree OP. Just awful when the poor dc picks up on it.

stitchglitched Sun 19-Mar-17 08:48:37

I think it's fine to have a slight preference. But if you are so desperate for one sex that having the opposite would cause devastation then you have no business having a baby imo, since there is a 50-50 chance.

PetalMettle Sun 19-Mar-17 08:48:50

Thanks SA. I do appreciate I'm coming at this from a biased viewpoint and should read around the other side.

KoolKoala07 Sun 19-Mar-17 08:48:57

Personally all I want is a healthy baby (currently pregnant with first child). If I'm being honest, I would like a daughter at some point, purely because I want the relationship me and my 2 sisters have had with our mum. My husband is so uninterested in spending time with his mother and I think that would hurt in future years. Although I do think she could have treated him differently and they would have a different relationship now.
But I get that people can't help they way they feel.

noeffingidea Sun 19-Mar-17 08:49:14

Donaldstott I think dowry payments are still a current thing in some cultures and communities.

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