AIBU - to have no sympathy for people suffering from "gender disappointment"?

[SilverBirchTree]

I met a pregnant friend for coffee who shared that she had been crying on and off all week because she found out she was carrying a boy. I laughed because I thought she must have been kidding, and was told off for being callous...

When I told this story to a friend at work, she said it was common and shared that her husband sulked for days when they found out they were having a girl.

Am I missing something? It seems really childlike to be disappointed over something that was only ever a 50/50 chance?

Granny, that woman clearly had much bigger issues than would have been fixed by having the girl she wanted. She would never have made a good parent.

Five sons lady clearly has huge issues, way beyond 'gender disappointment'.

And she hasn't posted here.

BatOutta I agree with you, sorry i wasn't clear. There's a big difference between having a preference vs sobbing for days with disappointment.

I think there are two different positions here. Those who presume any preference results in lack of love / long term disappointment / mis-treatment of the child, if the child is not the preferred sex and those who recognise it is perfectly possible to have a preference, be a bit disappointed and move on to adore the resultant child.

I would have preferred all girls. I have 2 boys and 1 girl . The girl is in the middle so no, I didn't continue until I got one. Our first (also a boy) was stillborn. That didn't change my preferences.

However, while I'm delighted I have a girl, I'm also delighted I have two fantastic boys. They have not "suffered" in any way by my preferences.

Some people don't care, some would like at least one of each, others would prefer all of one sex. Most of these go on to love, and be good parents to, their children regardless of the sex. A few parents do have longer term disappointment with the sex of the child but there are usually underlying problems and issues that need to be overcome.

YABU.

I'd be distraught if I ended up with a boy, just the thought of them being sucked into toxic masculinity would upset me so much.

How come it's always girls that are preferred? I can't understand how you could all be so callous? I really hope you sons never find out about it. It's just so awful to read about.

Before I got pregnant and when I was younger I always assumed I would have some level of preference even if secret. However I can say wholeheartedly I was completely and utterly indifferent and would have been thrilled either way. We did find out the sex as it's our first pregnancy and we were just excited to know.

What I would say though is the mind is a weird thing and your friend may have been disappointed for a number of reasons. Largely which have nothing to do with the actual gender. She may have built up a picture in her head of how it would be, and bonded with that idea for whatever reason. Hormones do make you feel super weird.

YAB(a bit)U in my opinion because she confided in you and was likely being candid. I'm sure she isn't going to carry this through her pregnancy or treat her child any differently. You don't know what she's going through mentally or why she's having a hard time with it.

What I would say though is that personally, if I felt niggles of this I wouldn't find out the sex. But would instead focus on what was making me feel that way.

YANBU, it's selfish to roll the dice if you can't cope with the 50/50 chance your child will be the "wrong" one. I've had to bite my tongue more than once when a mother of girls has said they "couldn't handle it" if they had boys like me. Daft bitches.

YANBU. Someone asked me if I was disappointed to be having a girl, no, I'm THRILLED to be have a pregnancy go as far to be able to determine gender and I hope the rest of it goes smoothly.

MorrisZapp

Please highlight any posters who have loved their kid less due to sex, or told their kids they weren't the desired flavour?

Please see ^ post by CaretakerToNuns .

I suppose she hasn't had a baby yet but the depth of feeling in relation to an unborn baby boy is distressing, see also "worst nightmare" post.

I must admit I do always feel a bit extra delighted for someone when they have the other sex than what they already have as I personally have experienced so far the most cliched boy and 2 girls myself and they are just different experiences. I try so hard to avoid gender stereotypes with them in terms of activities, expectations, clothing and appearance, ever indicating girls do x or boys do x but their ability to act like their stereotypes takes my breath away. My son just wants to rough and tumble, to make weapons and play fight, challenge himself to jump higher/farther/stronger, never sit still beside me, avoid hugs and hand holding (he gives the best hugs on the rare occasion he wants to), no interest in his babydoll (except as a missile) etc. My two girls however just want to sit by me quietly, they are never without a babydoll under their arms (usually wrapped gently in blanket), even at 1.5 my youngest will sit happily and quietly for ages doing a tea party, their patience is longer for shopping etc. They bloody love dresses and pretty hair and cute things. If sitting beside me they lean in and reach for my hand in a way my son just wants his space.

Where did I go wrong😣 They are such cliches!

But that is why from my experience the experience of the sexes is a little different and wonderful to experience both.

But far and above any gender related experience is the experience of the individual. As individuals they are all so unique and special in ways that are nothing to do with their sex. Any good parent knows this and loves them fiercely as individuals not anything to do with their sex.

AIBU to HATE that fucking saying 'give your head a wobble?!'

Really grinds on my norks.

that poor child :-/ i get if someone is disappointed if they've had loads of one and wanted the other but not enough to be in tears about it. sex does not matter one bit

I remember a friend crying her eyes out when she found out her 1st was a boy...we were ttc & struggling...it did upset me but when I finally did fall pregnant with my 1st, I was desperate for a boy as I had always dreamt of having boys - had lots of names picked out etc...completely ungrateful/irrational I know...no.1 did turn out to be a boy. My 2nd was a girl (I had a very slight preference) and I had gender disappointment with my 3rd (for all of 5 minutes) but absolutely love her to bits and wouldn't change a thing about her..

I'm now pregnant with my 4th - another girl. I had gender disappointment again initially (not for long) merely because I had it in my head that it would be a boy - ridiculous, I know as there was always a 50/50 chance. I can't be more thrilled now and can't wait to meet my little princess...

So I understand the concept of gender disappointment as I've experienced it fleetingly myself but the all children are different - the gender means very little...

Beebee sorry, ironically the smallest of my offspring was sat poking a bobble head and it made my head pluck that phrase out of the available ones.

My sentiment remains though, it's a bonkers state of affairs, and if folks feel that deeply they should get therapy if possible (not always easy I know, being a therapy veteran myself for various other reasons), or get pets where you can choose.

Granny, that woman clearly had much bigger issues than would have been fixed by having the girl she wanted. She would never have made a good parent. Yes, I did say it was some sort of MH problem. The thing is you wouldn't have expected it to turn out like it did. With the first one she was a bit disappointed but OK, it got worse with each one, it was like she was determined to "succeed" if you know what i mean.

I always wanted one of each- when we found our second ds was a boy I did feel slightly disappointed not because I didn't want a boy so much but because I knew I wouldn't have a girl (we were only have one of each) and in regards to your question about them why not just wait untill birth- some people prefer to be able to process it on their own rather then in a room full of people after just going through one of the hardest things you'll go through

Yanbu

With exceptions for medical reasons/past bereavement/abuse then they are selfish and should be bloody grateful for what they get.

Well if parents should be 'bloody grateful' for what they get - why are are they all moaning like hell on other threads about having to (shock, surprise, horror) actually look after their kids for whole days iver the next six weeks? They're getting s lot of sympathy too. You could argue that when they decided to have kids they were signing up for looking after them sometimes. Just because I love having my kids around more in the holidays doesn't mean I don't get that some people might find it difficult.
I was upset to find out I was expecting a boy - for complicated reasons I thought I wouldn't be able to be a good parent to him. I didn't anticipate this this feeling when we started TTC - which took years. I don't think I should be judged for that - and at least I actually enjoy spending time with him in the holidays which is something he'll remember unlike how I felt when he was born.

There was a case in Australia a few years ago that hit the national news - a couple already had 3 boys, were trying for a girl and she ended up pregnant with boy twins. She then aborted them.
They had had a baby girl but she died soon after birth, for undisclosed reasons, so they were trying to have another girl to make up for the one they lost (not replace, just make up, subtle difference)

I just can't fathom that though. I feel sure that those older boys must wonder if each of them was a disappointment too, by being boys.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1345057/Couple-sons-abort-twin-boys-IVF--try-baby-girl-daughter-died.html

Why should anyone be grateful for having a baby? Pleased, relieved, happy, terrified, sure. But grateful? That makes no sense to me. Grateful to whom? Babies aren't given out by a higher power.

'It's a dangerous gamble to bring a child into the world with a 50% chance of them disappointing their parent to the point of tears before the child even draws breath. If you are not ready to love and accept the child you receive with a full and open heart, I think you should heal yourself before you decide to bring a baby into the mix.'

This, this, this.

I have two boys, then a girl after recurrent miscarriage (three in a row of a total of six). The number of people who said things like 'oooh, it's a girl, you can stop now' or were extra pleased for me because she was a girl. I admit it's nice having both. It really is. But having a band of three brothers would also have been fantastic.

I know most people are a little bit narcissistic by nature (and I'm prob no exception), but I do find it a bit worrying that so many people seem effectively to want a mini-me - one poster said 'I wanted a girl because I am one', or something.

I do understand gender disappointment but in my experience it was fleeting. I never expected to have a gender preference when ttc and had never given it any thought. However my nephew had stayed with us almost every other wrekend from birth. Then shortly before I got married this stopped due to his mother being in a new relationship. After I became pregnant I was over the moon but all my daydreams were filled with me and this little baby boy (a replacement for my nephew) so I decided to find out the gender so I would have time to adjust. The scan showed a little baby girl and at first I was (I am ashamed to admit) upset. But we named her and I had time to bond and was nothing but excited by the time she was born. I now have 2 beautiful girls (didn't find out for the 2nd as it didn't matter) and could not be happier. We will not have any more and there is no part of me that wants a boy despite me being sure that's what I wanted when I was first pregnant. My best friend is now ttc and I can understand how much she just wants a baby- any baby. And so did I until the daydreams kicked in. But now I wouldn't change my girls for the world.

Those of you feeling sorry for the child do not understand gender disappointment at all. It is about the actual baby at all. It is about the conceptualised idea of a particular gender and applying that to an imagined idea about a child you haven't met. We all have preconceived ideas and sometimes, for various reasons, a pregnant woman can be very fearful or upset about her ability to love, care or enjoy her baby because of these imagined traits. A woman that has had an abusive or absent father, or aggressive brother, for example, may wonder how she can love a boy. She may not have even considered these feelings prior to becoming pregnant so it's totally unfair to suggest she shouldn't have bothered getting pregnant. 99 % of the time, once the baby is born and the mother (or father) gets to know the actual baby, the 'imagined' baby and all its negative connotations disappear and the parent wonders why on earth they were worried in the first place.

Why should anyone be grateful for having a baby? Pleased, relieved, happy, terrified, sure. But grateful? That makes no sense to me. Grateful to whom? Babies aren't given out by a higher power.

In my case grateful to the surgeon who restored my fertility with his amazing skills. Lots of mums probably feel grateful to doctors. Lots of people DO believe in a higher power and feel grateful for good health, for meeting the right partner to co-parent etc.