AIBU - to have no sympathy for people suffering from "gender disappointment"?

[SilverBirchTree]

I met a pregnant friend for coffee who shared that she had been crying on and off all week because she found out she was carrying a boy. I laughed because I thought she must have been kidding, and was told off for being callous...

When I told this story to a friend at work, she said it was common and shared that her husband sulked for days when they found out they were having a girl.

Am I missing something? It seems really childlike to be disappointed over something that was only ever a 50/50 chance?

If a woman is foolish enough to go through 5 pregnancies in order to have a daughter, then it is her body that's harmed by it, and the boys have still a chance to be loved by their father. Well in the case I quoted it resulted in the break up of two marriages, her living in a 2 bedroomed place with 5 boys, two ended up in special schools for children with emotional and behavioural problems so I think she damaged alot of people with her overwhelming desire to have a daughter. By all means dismiss the pain she put two men and 5 little boys through but the people who actually know them feel rather differently on the subject and she isn't the one people are sympathising with.

If people are going to be disappointed I'd rather they got it over and done with during the pregnancy rather than let the child be affected by it once they are born because it's been suppressed.
Then I can't really relate because I'll be so happy if I even manage to keep this pregnancy, I couldn't give a flying flip what gender it is!

This is a live issue for me ATM. We have a DD and I'm pregnant with our second and last. We're having our anomaly scan and also hoping to find out the sex tomorrow. We'll both be happy whichever kind we're having but if it's another girl my DH will be disappointed that he'll never have a son. He will love and adore a 2nd daughter, just as he loves and adores our first. The sadness will come from longing for something that he'll never have, not from wanting to change the children that we do have. We didn't find out the sex before the birth first time and are only doing so this time so DH can come to terms with not having a son now if he needs to and when our baby comes he can be completely focused on her. He can't help his feelings and I'm happy that he's very open with me about it.

I have 2 daughters and we are trying for a third baby if we get lucky enough to get pregnant I won't worry about the gender of the baby, while I would like a son I will equally welcome a daughter. I was asked was I disappointed when my second daughter was born I looked down at her and wondered how anyone could think I might be disappointed in the perfect little bundle before me.

This thread is really shitty for those of us who have given genuine mental health debilitating reasons or reasons related to loss. The people saying they have no sympathy and it's all indulgence are very lucky imo not to have be in the same situation. Anyone can find themselves feeling strange and unpleasant emotions when pregnant.

I already feel terrible guilt for not bonding with my baby due to my losses as well as the confusion over his sex in relation to my miscarried babies and am lucky enough to have had a great counselling group who didn't judge. Such a shame, some of the posts from others who have experienced losses really resonates with me but instead of discussion around that it's all judgement. I feel for any mum or mum to be who doesn't understand or like feeling as she does who will then see a thread of mainly condemnation. I also very much hope the poster who posted recently in aibu and is desperately upset and confused doesn't see it.

Please stop saying that people who had infertility trouble don't care about the sex, it took us 5 years to conceive and numerous rounds of IVF. Nevertheless when I learned I was pregnant with twins all I hoped for was that one was a girl.
First scan: they could see one was a boy, but couldn't tell for the other one.
I was devastated, started preparing myself mentally for two boys when all my life I knew I wanted a girl.

Call me ridiculous or superficial, it won't change how I felt.
Turns out I have one of each, love them both with all my heart. Bit even now I sometimes tells DH how glad I am to have a little girl.

Urubu, I think you are very, very unusual amongst people who have experienced infertility. Most of us are too happy to finally have a child to care. I'm also lucky enough to have one of each now and I really, really didn't care what sex they were.

Please stop saying that people who had infertility trouble don't care about the sex, it took us 5 years to conceive and numerous rounds of IVF. Nevertheless when I learned I was pregnant with twins all I hoped for was that one was a girl.

I find that genuinely astonishing but obviously will accept that that was your experience. I just assumed, based on my own feelings, that it wouldn't be possible to care about the sex if you knew what it was to fear that you'd never have a child at all. I don't think I'd ever have had a strong preference about sex anyway, though, so perhaps I'm extrapolating too far from my own feelings.

A friend who was ashamed of being disappointed when the girl she thought she was having turned out to be a boy (this she heard at 20weeks, the girl part at 12 weeks), she had two boys and adores them so didn't want anyone to think she was unhappy with another boy. She was told by the doctor that this is a perfectly reasonable reaction and fairly common, that she was mourning the girl she thought she was having, who nursery she had painted pink and whose name she had chosen. Her third son is no less treasured than her daughter would have been but she she did have a period of adjustment on hearing that she was a he. I was, at the time, mourning a baby that didn't make it past the 9 week mark and I completely understood her upset. And do not think her response was unreasonable. It's a temporary blip (I would hope) so I think, OP, YABU

Point taken - I might be the exception. Obviously didn't wanted to say everybody was like me, just some people.

There are reasons why someone would want a boy or girl. My sister was pregnant with her second when her daughter died at 7 months. She and we all hoped the second was a boy just because of how difficult it would have been to have a girl just a couple of months after the death of my niece. She of course would have loved the baby if it was a girl but it was a lot easier for her to bond with her son and she has no comparing the two like they would have done with two girls so I do try not to judge if I don't know the reasons why they want one over the other.

Well then no one read my post properly Margaret as I also had ivf and wanted a girl.

I'd have liked a daughter. I had two sons. Fell pregnant easily with no complications, so the desire obviously wasn't strong enough to keep trying. Having two of the same gender has been absolutely the best thing for my DC, so no regrets in the long run.
I do believe most women want a girl, and men a boy. In fact there is loads of research to show men are far more likely to leave the family home if their offspring are solely female.
To the poster who said two boys would be her worst nightmare, she must have led a very charmed life so far.

It isn't rational, same as all the other pregnancy over reaction/hysteria isn't rational. Having GD was one contributor to my PND. When DS was handed to me I had no idea who he was or how I was expected to relate to him. I had treatment and in time we did bond and now he's my world but christ it was hard at the time.

As a woman who wanted a girl, I'd also like to put to bed the idea that I wanted girly shopping trips and beauty based binding sessions. Having been brought up by a gender critical feminist, these things aren't on my radar.

I wanted a girl because I am one.

Posters commenting on how 'they' feel and others are being mean to 'them'.

It's not about you! It's about the poor baby who comes into the world a disappointment. Every child should be loved for itself not it's parents issues.

YWBU to laugh at your friend who was confiding something in you.

Feel what you want about it, but it's something that people experience and is for many a very upsetting thing to go through - it doesn't mean their babies are any less loved, or will ever know their parent went through a brief period of disappointment.

People on here saying they have no idea how people can feel that way need to have a think about some of their emotions that other people don't, or might not, understand. I don't get fear of clowns but have a friend who's literally debilitated by it. I don't judge her - I just support her and am thankful it's not something I experience.

Try a little empathy sometime. No-one experiencing gender disappointment is proud of it, nor are they comparing their feelings with the heartbreak suffered by those struggling to conceive or experiencing loss.

There's nothing to be empathetic about shirley. People who get upset about the sex of their unborn child need to give their heads a wobble and grow up a bit. If they want to choose the sex they need to get a puppy or one of those horrendous reborn dolls.

Trying to liken it to a phobia is ridiculous too.

Sorry, give their heads a wobble? Do fuck off dear. You know absolutely nothing of what you speak.

Please highlight any posters who have loved their kid less due to sex, or told their kids they weren't the desired flavour?

Wobble your own head.

I respectfully disagree Incy. I think it's irrational, just as a phobia can be, in the sense that it might have a really banal cause which escalates into an overblown emotion. Okay, there may be people out there who genuinely feel that emotion for the rest of their children's lives and might make it known, which is pretty shit, but I think for the most part it's a fleeting feeling which has no real impact in the long run. Who are you to judge what goes on in someone's head? I think people should be able to talk openly and honestly about this sort of thing with their trusted friends and family. Yes, in the very rational sense it's a ridiculous thing to feel - but aren't lots of our emotions ridiculous if you look at them objectively? To dismiss feelings like this could be to dismiss other underlying problems, or to let them escalate further.

YANBU. DH and I both wanted a boy, scan said girl. I moved on, but had to give DH a 24hr window to grieve then get the fuck over it. He did, and every now and again mentions what an idiot he was for being so upset.

Then again pregnancy hormones bring out the crazy.

It is why I chose not to know the sex of the baby pre-birth. I don't think I had a preference, but didn't want to risk it. I think in the moments after birth you just don't care what you're given, and that's the optimum time to learn the sex.

I appreciate all the different opinions shared.

I'm afraid that my own view is mostly unchanged.

I now appreciate that perception of a baby's sex can be clouded by loss, abuse or mental health problems, I hadn't considered this until today. However I don't then follow why an unborn child should carry this weight on their shoulders (let alone genitals!). It's a dangerous gamble to bring a child into the world with a 50% chance of them disappointing their parent to the point of tears before the child even draws breath. If you are not ready to love and accept the child you receive with a full and open heart, I think you should heal yourself before you decide to bring a baby into the mix.

I also don't agree that every feeling is valid just because someone is feeling it. Feelings can be illogical, childish, selfish, destructive, silly. I know an awful lot of mine are! If my friend was crying because she wanted a 5 carat engagement ring, not the 4 carat ring she received, would I be obligated to indulge and support her then? I would tell her to knock it off and count her blessings. & I would expect her to say the same to me if I was being illogical and ungrateful about something in my life.

Maybe that sounds unfeeling, but I wonder if those who have experienced gender disappointment are always sensitive about who they express those feelings too. Theirs is a view that many would find hurtful and offensive as well.

The sort of parents who don't love their child as much as they would have because it was the wrong gender, well, they were never going to be a great parent anyway.

So feel free to get outraged about those people but don't lump the many many many excellent and loving parents who had a hypothetical sex preference pre-birth in with such parents.

When I got pregnant I became fixated on having a girl. I was raped when I was younger and was terrified about the thought of bringing another rapist into the world. Our hospital trust doesn't tell you the sex so we paid for a private scan and of course, I was having a boy. My world crumbled over night.
If anyone asked though, I made a joke of it, told them I was disappointed because of clothes or other mundane reasons, not how terrified I was that I'd hatch a monster.

Of course now he's here I love him but those underlying fears haven't quite disappeared (and yes, I'm in therapy and am dealing with my issues).

Please highlight any posters who have loved their kid less due to sex, or told their kids they weren't the desired flavour? Well I posted about the woman with 5 sons, she made it very clear to them all that they were the unwanted byproduct of her search for a daughter. Two of the boys have had to move to schools for children with emotional and behavioural problems. Her first marriage ended when her husband refused to try again for a girl, her second marriage ended when her 2nd husband just couldn't cope with it any more. She wanted a girl because she wanted to buy pretty dresses and girls are so nice. By the time she got to baby number 5 she wouldn't even have been able to afford all the pretty dresses.

I think it was like a mental illness really and the only thing I don't understand is how she managed to keep custody of the boys.