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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU - to have no sympathy for people suffering from "gender disappointment"?

212 replies

SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 04:41

I met a pregnant friend for coffee who shared that she had been crying on and off all week because she found out she was carrying a boy. I laughed because I thought she must have been kidding, and was told off for being callous...Confused

When I told this story to a friend at work, she said it was common and shared that her husband sulked for days when they found out they were having a girl. Hmm

Am I missing something? It seems really childlike to be disappointed over something that was only ever a 50/50 chance?

OP posts:
Rockandrollwithit · 31/07/2017 08:37

I have a DS and am currently 33 weeks pregnant with DS2. He will be our last baby and I'm thrilled to be having two boys, as I would have been to have a boy and a girl.

However, I am fed up with people assuming that I am disappointed, that DS2 has somehow failed to live up to expectations before he has even been born. So many people ask "will you try for a third to have a girl?" or comment "it would have been nice to have a girl". It's really frustrating and 2 boys does seem to be an undesirable family to some. Why I don't know, as boys are great.

SheSparkles · 31/07/2017 08:38

I totally agree with what the majority are saying, and it's one of the reasons I don't think that you should be told the sex of a baby at a scan.
Women who are hoping for the opposite sex to what they're having then spend the remainder of their pregnancy "disappointed" about something over which they have no control rather than (hopefully) enjoying a healthy pregnancy, and that feeling of disappointment being only fleeting when the baby is born

JassyRadlett · 31/07/2017 08:41

JassyRadlett Well done for using whom correctly [thumbsup]. It's a pity that you think superfluous adverbs dependent clauses make you sound more intelligent.

Admitting that one has made an error is an awful lot more graceful than criticising the way other people speak.

FWIW, we don't "code and edit our children's choices". You may, but I mean 'we' in the general sense.

Well, if they're 'pink shopping' or the boy equivalent, then they are already doing it. We all do it, no matter how much we try to avoid it, and the environment in which our kids live embeds it even more. Lots of research on this - pretty silly to suggest it doesn't exist.

redfragglebiker · 31/07/2017 08:41

My experience is slightly different in that I didn't actually have a preference on what we have (first child due in Nov) I did however have a gut feeling it was a boy. This feeling was so string I had both me and DH convinced that it was a boy and we're actually expecting a girl (scan was V V clear)
It took a bit of adjusting to get my head around, not becuase I was disappointed as such but because all of the things I imagined us doing as a family up to that point had centred on our DD being a DS so I had to readjust so to speak. Now I have done so we couldn't be happier!

Piewraith · 31/07/2017 08:42

YANBU to not feel that much sympathy for people, however YABU to take peoples comments as a personal affront.

As for the people saying they feel sorry for the kid, who will no doubt be scarred for life - come on. People make all sorts of comments during the pregnancy and early childhood, in fact throughout DCs lives, that wouldn't be nice for the DC to hear but wouldn't harm them if they never heard it. For example, some people consider abortion, before deciding to continue the pregnancy. Will that DC be scarred for life because their parents discussed killing them? No, of course not. To to mention people saying how shit and horrible having a newborn baby is, and how their lives are ruined. People post those comments here all the time. But it does no harm. They vent and the DC never knows.

Youshallnotpass · 31/07/2017 08:44

I had "gender disappointment" I guess if you call it that. I've always wanted a little girl and was certain that was what we were having. When we found out we were having a little boy I was gutted... at first. Now I wouldn't swap my little boy for all the daughters in the world.

You can't help how you feel, it's how you deal with the feeling that matters.

StinkyMcgrinky · 31/07/2017 08:45

two boys would have been my worst nightmare

....and yet you decided to have a second child knowing it was just as likely as having a boy and a girl?

My friend lost her little girl at 38 weeks, when she fell pregnant a second time she was, obviously, over the moon but was so anxious so had counselling through our her whole pregnancy. When she found out it was a boy that somehow relieved some of her anxiety. She went on to have two sons after living her worst nightmare and losing her daughter Hmm

What a callous and awful thing to say.

I also have two sons after 6 years of infertility treatment, failed IVF and 2 miscarriages. I have two children, something that doctors weren't sure would ever happen, I didn't give two hoots what gender they were.

I can understand gender disappointment when there are genuine reasons for it e.g. past abuse experiences, health related issues (some genetic conditions more prominent in males/females) but I don't sympathise for the reasons that the "clothes are nicer"

Bisquick · 31/07/2017 08:45

YANBU. I cried for about a minute after finding out this baby is a girl, since we lost our first (a boy) in Jan. I don't genuinely care if it's a boy or a girl, just that I had all this stuff built up for our firstborn, and it felt a bit like mourning him all over again. I'd still love a little boy at some point, but all I want right now is for this baby girl to be growing well and to have a peaceful pregnancy and delivery.

I find it bizarre that people could genuinely be disappointed about a happy healthy baby because of sex, regardless of whatever fantasies one has built up in their head. Maybe my thinking is skewed by loss, but most people do know at least some folks who are struggling with infertility/loss etc - so find it hard to believe they can feel this way knowing so many others would be thrilled just to have a baby.

MaisyPops · 31/07/2017 08:47

YANBU we've been TTC for a year and would be delighted to be expecting a baby.

I can understans someone thinking "i have 2 boys, it woykd be nice for a girl" or 'i already have a girl and 1 of each would be quite cool", but people who mope about with gender disappointment just seem obsessed about trying to create a perfect family image to me.

lilacskies · 31/07/2017 08:51

I can feel sympathy to an extent because there are many reasons however if they go to the extent of crying for days I just hope they'd never tell the child, I remember a boy I knew and his mother used to tell him repeatedly she never wanted him and wanted a boy, I think it really messed with him mentally.

So i suppose I feel bad to an extent however I don't think its right to take it out on a child and they do need to realise at least their child is healthy and alive albeit not the preferred gender

brasty · 31/07/2017 08:52

It seems very tied into the stereotype idea of what a girl or boy is like. Maybe you will have a very independent little girl who hates clothes shopping and wearing dresses?
Or a boy who is timid and hates rough and tumble games?

Moussemoose · 31/07/2017 08:53

Piewraith
But it does no harm. They vent and the DC never knows

I disagree totally. Kids always know don't believe otherwise. I work with teenagers and the amount of conversations I have that start "my parents don't think I know but......." Is heartbreaking.

Children feel the hesitation and see those disappointed looks. That sigh when you disappoint your parent again. I give this advice frequently on MN - your kids know, consciously or unconsciously, about all the crap you try to keep hidden.

lilacskies · 31/07/2017 08:54

wanted a girl

brasty · 31/07/2017 08:55

I have a friend, a woman, who says her mum really wanted a boy instead. Horrible thing to grow up knowing.

nachogazpacho · 31/07/2017 09:03

I had this feeling with my second. It was horrible because I felt incredibly guilty and torn... Which was probably the most upsetting thing about it. I have no idea why it happened. I've never had a preference.

I think it was very complicated and something my brain was doing in reaction to anxiety. I never once not loved my baby and bottom line absolutely wanted them. I love pregnancy and loved growing my children equally.

I too think the problem stemmed from my childhood. I was an unwanted child. My dm simply did not want another and had no love left for me. On top of this I was the last of all girls and dm would say she always wanted a boy. I was very damaged by knowing I was unwanted. So my biggest thing when having children was to make sure they knew they were wanted and loved. I think in a weird way this must have been behind it somehow.

I joked about it with my dp but never told anyone else and certainly never let my dp know my anxieties. It was like I had a mental image of my child and could not change it. I'm quite creative and logical too so it's not like I didn't have the capacity to imagine a different sex. So it had nothing to do with that. I think it was rooted in my own psyche resulting from my own feelings of my childhood.

Anyway, I trusted myself I would sort my feelings out and sung to my bump and when my dc was born I had absolutely no doubts about my unconditional love for them.

So all in all these feelings are complex in origin and not necessarily about capacity to want or love a child but maybe more about the mothers feelings of her own birth.

jb1305uk · 31/07/2017 09:05

We never found out what we were having but we (as well as our families) had a strong feeling it would be a boy. Spent most of my pregnancy imagining this baby boy, picked out a name, looked at boys clothes and couldn't see it being a girl. Didn't put much thought into choosing a girls' name or looking at girls clothes.

We had a little girl.

Was I disappointed? No way! A little surprised as it wasn't what I expected. But now I can't ever imagine having a boy.

I personally understand gender disappointment but I am sure that as soon as people who have it hold their baby it will all disappear.

Mrsmartell08 · 31/07/2017 09:07

I feel desperately sorry for the children of these people

Mrsmartell08 · 31/07/2017 09:09

I am also the mother of 2 sons.
Amazing the number of people who thought I would be disappointed!

Batoutahell · 31/07/2017 09:10

Being disappointed about the gender is never about the individual child, it's about a family structure and (possibly unrealistic) imaginings you had for things in the future. It can be hard to let go of those little daydreams. But it is no reflection on how much the child is loved and cherished when it comes.

x2boys · 31/07/2017 09:11

Yeah I don't get it either I have two boys who I love more than anything in the world ds2 has significant disabilities but he's brilliant how someone can be sad they are carrying a healthy baby of the'wrong sex 'is beyond me

Mrsmartell08 · 31/07/2017 09:11

Bat...sadly that's just not true for some

x2boys · 31/07/2017 09:13

I never imagined I would be the parents of a child with disabilities but here we are .

nachogazpacho · 31/07/2017 09:13

I'd not considered it before but I'd also had a miscarriage before conceiving so maybe that had an affect too. I'd never really grieved properly as it was just so shocking. Perhaps it was grief for my lost baby. Anyway, I'd not start thinking your friend was cruel or stereotyping. There is probably something underlying it that's complex and subconscious.

Talith · 31/07/2017 09:30

Its tricky. I didn't get the sexes I originally hankered for, but I have since learned that my desire was built on mistaken beliefs. My children are all the things I hoped for. I take absolute heart bursting pride in their excitement for and triumphs in activities I almost dreaded thinking about. Genuinely I had my head up my arse and I'm glad we all live and learn. I'm out of the game now but I sincerely wouldn't give a toss about the sex of any baby I was expecting.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 31/07/2017 09:32

Piewrath, I disagree. My MIL has never made any secret of the fact that she wanted a girl. Or that each of her sons was a disappointment to her simply because they are male. My dh has always known that he is a disappointment to her, as do his brothers. She made it very clear that our two sons are also a disappointment just because they are male. The fact that they are both extremely successful in their careers, are decent people in loving settled relationships means nothing. They are not girls. Amazingly, for someone who so desperately wanted daughters, she is a pretty awful MIL.

When I was pregnant, after several miscarriages, all I wanted was a baby. Hopefully a healthy baby. Boy or girl really didn't matter.