AIBU - to have no sympathy for people suffering from "gender disappointment"?

[SilverBirchTree]

I met a pregnant friend for coffee who shared that she had been crying on and off all week because she found out she was carrying a boy. I laughed because I thought she must have been kidding, and was told off for being callous...

When I told this story to a friend at work, she said it was common and shared that her husband sulked for days when they found out they were having a girl.

Am I missing something? It seems really childlike to be disappointed over something that was only ever a 50/50 chance?

Gender disappointment is a real thing and while you can't understand it yourself it doesn't make it any less real and painful for the person, no matter how irrational they know it is.

Growing up I dreamt of being a mummy to one little girl, so that dream carried on into adulthood. When I got pregnant I found out it was twins and was so desperate for one of them to be a girl. Instead they were 2 boys and despite my desire for a girl, I was so happy about my boys.

However, as soon as we knew, the gender comments began...."2 boys? Good luck"..."Ha, 2 boys your home will be destroyed" even when they were were born and we were out shopping some random woman came over, looked at them and said "oh dear it's not 2 boys is it?!" And like the poster above said, boys would be "their worst nightmare".

The negativity from people, mainly strangers, really bought me down. I already longed for a girl and people like that made me feel worse. I felt guilty crying over not having a girl, when I knew people TTC, but as I said, it's irrational.

At nearly 2, I adore my boys and wouldn't change them, but the ache for a girl doesn't go away, but I know how lucky and blessed I am to have my boys, who I adore completely.

I agree OP and it almost always is people not wanting boys too.

In a (very) few cases maybe there is an actual reason such as past abuse in which case I don't think gender disappointment is really the problem. Mostly it's just people who wanted a pretty pink princess to dress up not a horrible smelly boy. (I have 2 boys who are amazing btw)

Triple S probably has it best.
I think the problem is that it becomes a zero sum game. Hearing that someone was "desperate for a daughter" and is "very sad" inevitably makes me think of people who would love one child irregardless of gender, let alone 3.
As others have said, people can't help the way that they feel, but I think unless there's a genuine reason for it it would probably be wise to restrict how publicly they speak about it, and certainly never give a hint to the child

Firstly, I hear you OP, all babies, whatever their gender, are undoubtedly precious.
However, your friend is pregnant and hormonal, she is distressed, for her own reasons.
Please be kind to her, to laugh in her face is cruel, to say the least.

There's more than a semantic difference isn't there, between "wanting a girl " and "not wanting a boy"? I suspect that the "I want a girl" folks get over themselves quicker than the "I don't want a boy" folks.

I think these ideas go in waves actually. When I had my DC 30 years ago, it was all about a boy first then a girl. "One of each" was very much the desired ideal.

I was upset when I found out I was having a boy- I felt like I wouldn't be able to relate to a boy as much as a girl as I come from a family of girls. Once my little boy was born I realised it didn't matter one bit, and I can honestly say if I had another I would have no preference at all because it truly doesn't matter. I felt awful for a while thinking about that disappointed feeling when I found about his gender but then I realised- you don't know what you don't know, I didn't know just how amazing having a little boy is and had I not experienced my son I still wouldn't. When I was pregnant comments like two boys are my worst nightmare would have hurt me but now I just think well you've obviously not experienced how great boys are or having two of them would be a dream . Having said that I wouldn't have ever discussed with anyone other than close family how I felt as I knew I was being unreasonable for feeling the way I did.

I am actually a baby who was the "wrong" sex for one of my parents, and in that case I do think abuse had something to do with it. I don't know that it always does, or even does in the majority of cases but I would bet a significant minority are a result of at least low level abuse.

Mostly what I think, though, is that we never really know the paths that others walk, and that responding to someone's pain, however much you think it is the wrong thing to feel, with laughter is not kind or helpful.

at the WORST NIGHTMARE comment.

Wonder why anyone would risk 2 pregnancies if having 2 boys would have this impact?

I always find it odd when people say "one of each"
There is no such thing.
dD1 and DD2 are not alike whereas DD1 and DS1 are like two peas in a pod.

Headofthehive55

I always find it odd when people say "one of each" There is no such thing.

No such thing as male and female?

Yanbu
I feel sorry for her son, children can definitely pick up on these things.
Or, she may be overreacting due to hormones, only time will tell.

This is a complex and misunderstood topic. All sorts of experiences, emotions and coping strategies can result in wanting a baby if a particular sex. Just because done payers don't understand, they really shouldn't judge. It's a bit like saying to someone with an eating disorder 'I often didn't have enough to eat as a child, there you are making yourself sick and wasting food. You don't deserve food. Disgraceful'.

I understand why people may have a preference and it doesn't need to be as deep as blaming childhood trauma or misogyny or misandry.

I've had this song in my head reading throgh previous posts.

Riki: So, do you want a boy or girl?
Kate: Oh, doesn't matter as long as it's healthy
Riki: Really? 'Cause I don't feel that those two things are related. It's not like one or the other.
Kate: Oh, really, as long as it's healthy.

I can't wait to hear someone say
"Don't care if it's brain dead
Don't care if it's limbless
If it has a penis"

Pregnant women are smug
Everyone knows it, nobody says it
Because they're pregnant
This zen world you're enjoying
Makes you really annoying

But mummyofalittledragon surely you know the odds when having a baby are 50/50. Why would you take that risk of a boy would be so unwanted by you? That sounds abusive too, to be so unwanted by your mother.

My friend said she thought she was having a girl and was worried about telling her husband, as he would be disappointed. I was gobsmacked and asked why. She said because he wants a son to play football with! 😡I told her to wise up and that girls can play football too and oh yes...her husband is a complete fool!

For some reason I particularly hate when people say they want boys...I think it is because girls are generally seen across the world as less than boys and that attitude is continuing that shitty, evil ideology.

I was abused as a child and I still have no sympathy for this shit. If a child is a disappointment to their parent before they're even born what chance do they stand?? If it's a result of abuse then it's up to the parent to deal with that rather than just putting those feelings on to a baby.

When you have a baby you're not having a gender you're having a person who is unique in every way. Being disappointed about clothes and other nonsense is so incredibly immature I can't believe an adult would actually admit to it.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd, I already have 2 boys and I'm not going to lie I'd love to have a little girl but I'm fairly certain this baby is a boy, I've always wanted 3 children and would not be having a 3rd if I really didn't want another boy.

What does really get to me though is other peoples reaction, after my second son was born all I got was 'oh I bet your going to be trying for a girl next' or 'aw you must me sad it's not a girl one of each is the best' 'if it were me I'd keep going until I got a girl'
I'm dreading telling people the sex of this baby, and yes having a girl would be lovely because at least I wouldn't have to listen to people's negative comments about boys

I have a fairly strong preference for a girl, I wouldn't be upset to have a boy but there would be disappointment for a little bit. Of course, once the baby arrived I'm sure it would all be forgotten.

I had an abusive father, we left him and then it was just my DM and me for a long time so I'm used to the strong bond between mother and daughter. I've never experienced a strong bond with a male outside of DP - abusive father, arsehole stepfather, etc.

If I expressed my preference for a girl you'd have no way of knowing what was behind it. You'd make a judgment (like in your OP) without knowing the background which I think makes it much more understandable.

And I'm lying here in bed currently having a miscarriage so I also think it's wrong to assume that someone who has a preference can't possibly understand how it feels to worry about not having a healthy pregnancy.

You can deny the existence of differences between males and females but that doesn't mean you can force your ideas and "don't gender me" nonsense on other people.

Yes, it is incredibly incredibly important that babies are trained in what is expected of their gender from the cradle. Everyone knows that.

JassyRadlett

Yes, it is incredibly incredibly important that babies are trained in what is expected of their gender from the cradle. Everyone knows that.

That's not a very popular attitude to have on MN!

Not that I think people saying it are meaning to do that at all, by the way. If I was pregnant and wanted a boy, I wouldn't say it. I wouldn't want to infer in any way that I was putting a boy over a girl. Not sure if that makes sense!

I also think it's a bit simplistic to think a parent can't have a preference before they find out, be a little bit disappointed but can also be excited and completely in love with what arrives.

Humans are complicated...I don't believe my preference would in any way be felt by the eventual baby who I would love anyway.

I have a DS and am currently 37 weeks pregnant.

Prior to the 20 week scan I had convinced myself I was having a girl this time and so when the scan revealed it was another boy I felt upset. I forced a smile on my face and feigned excitement for the sake of my DH and my Sonographer but instead I felt disappointed.

I didn't feel disappointed because it was a boy as such, it wasn't that I didn't want another son, it's more that I felt upset about the fact I was never going to have a daughter as this was going to be our last pregnancy.

It took me a good three days to accept the news and then my false happiness started to be replaced with genuine happiness and excitement and now I'm absolutely over the moon I'm having another boy.

My colleague who found out the sex of her baby had made it crystal clear to everyone she wanted a girl was heartbroken when she was told it was a boy. She'd cry over it a lot at work and would repeatedly say, "But I don't want a boy, I just want a little girl." Her crying episodes lasted a few weeks and were really bizarre. She was even crying about it to one of our other colleagues who'd recently miscarried twins

I had a strong preference for a girl each time. My mum died when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my first, and I wanted that mother / daughter bond back in my life. Baby was a girl. Second baby was a boy. He is a wonderful person in so many ways, but is much harder to parent because he has dyspraxia, and many ASD traits. When i found out I was pregnant with my third, I was hoping for a girl, simply because DD I'd easier to parent than DS. Well DS2 came along, and guess what? It's all fine. He's actually much more like his sister in personality, and doesn't, thankfully, have the same hurdles that face ds1 every day.

I think something I would say though, is I only talked about this to my closest friend (who has two girls and two boys). I was ashamed of my feelings, and never admitted them. If people asked me if I had a preference I always said "not at all!" I wouldn't have wanted anyone to think I don't love the boys as much as DD. I absolutely do. It was a feeling I couldn't help.

That's not a very popular attitude to have on MN!

Clearly my subtle irony was too subtle.

What I meant was 'it is really really dopey to suggest that denying the existence of gender is equivalent to saying that maybe trying to reinforce rigid shitty gender stereotypes from birth isn't the best thing' .