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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to have no sympathy for people suffering from "gender disappointment"?

212 replies

SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 04:41

I met a pregnant friend for coffee who shared that she had been crying on and off all week because she found out she was carrying a boy. I laughed because I thought she must have been kidding, and was told off for being callous...Confused

When I told this story to a friend at work, she said it was common and shared that her husband sulked for days when they found out they were having a girl. Hmm

Am I missing something? It seems really childlike to be disappointed over something that was only ever a 50/50 chance?

OP posts:
BifsWif · 31/07/2017 06:18

Oh, and I had fertility treatment and multiple losses too.

Saysomething88 · 31/07/2017 06:25

I was very miffed when they said my DC2 was a girl. But only because I was 100% certain that I was carrying a boy and I felt the sonographer was wrong. We had another scan and it was a boy.
You are allowed to experience normal human emotions but by the time the baby is born, the parent won't love that baby any differently.

TheHauntedFishtank · 31/07/2017 06:27

'WORST NIGHTMARE' - fucking hell, I have no words!

Placebogirl · 31/07/2017 06:27

You want someone to tell you something that help you understand it? How about these two scenarios (neither of which is anything to do with me, FWIW):

"I really don't want a girl, because I know how I was abused and I don't feel I can protect her"

"I really don't want a boy because all my experience with men has been of abuse and I don't know how to raise a son not to be an abuser"

Because of the stigma around abuse, either might apply for someone you know...a little kindness can go a long way, under those circumstances.

SuperBeagle · 31/07/2017 06:28

YANBU.

I think anyone who has a strong preference for a particular sex has no business having a child. It's such an immaterial thing. There's no guarantee that having a daughter will mean you're close, or that she'll like pink or want to do ballet etc. There's no guarantee that having a son will mean he won't want to do any of those things.

TheHauntedFishtank · 31/07/2017 06:29

I have sympathy where it's a result, as a PP said, of abuse. Where it's a result of frankly batshit ideas about what a child of that gender would be like and the parent hasn't made an effort to rationalise that I have no sympathy whatsoever.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 31/07/2017 06:31

WiganPierre, sorry, but wtf? Read back what you've written. You 'didn't mind' a boy as long as you also 'got a girl'. So any son you had (or have) would have been (or is) an also-ran, an add-on tolerated alongside the prize of a girl, from birth. Poor child. And if two boys would be your 'WORST NIGHTMARE', well, you must have led a very charmed life. Or you are very young and silly.

I've no sympathy either, tbh. Feelings such as these seem to me to be a self-indulgent hangover from the times when people were allowed to feel, express and do whatever they liked with and about their children. Surely if you find yourself preferring one sex (not 'gender') or the other to the point of upset, you immediately and seriously work on why, rather than indulging yourself in it?

VikingVolva · 31/07/2017 06:32

"There's nothing wrong with going 'pink shopping' or 'off to find robot wallpaper'. You can deny the existence of differences between males and females but that doesn't mean you can force your ideas and "don't gender me" nonsense on other people."

There are plenty of differences, but an interest in robotics isn't one if them, and becomes gendered only if it is promoted for one sex only.

It's insidious conditioning , as the messages start from birth. People can choose to do it (and it does seem more frequent and, for some, deeply entrenched) than it was even a couple of decades ago - and definitely way more so than when I was young (everything needed to be handed down all siblings because there was less materialistic pressure and no 'performance parenting')

You might want to follow a fashion of stereotyping from birth, but it's also necessary to recognise what you do for what it is (rather than just unthinkingly assume that it's natural to stereotype and other positions are nonsense)

Aebj · 31/07/2017 06:34

I can understand that people have preferences. Personally I couldn't of cared less what I had ( I have 2 boys and it's great).
However I hope she doesn't pass on her negatively towards the child. My parents wanted a boy. I have been told many times that they wanted a boy, I'm not. Sounds very stupid but I sometimes feel unwanted by my parents ( I'm in my 40's now!!)

HeteronormativeHaybales · 31/07/2017 06:34

Placebogirl, the abuse situation is a very specific one which i assume doesn't apply to most of the people looking forward to 'pink shopping' Confused etc. And there, too, while having every sympathy, I would recommend serious work on this before the baby is born, or very difficult and damaging things may be passed to the child.

NiceViper · 31/07/2017 06:36

Brief disappointment, when your 'fantasy baby' of pregnancy isn't actually the one you get is I think normal.

Hell, if the differences are major - and I don't mean anything that counts as physically/developmentally normal (such as sex) - people can be as upset as they like for as long as they like. Though of course a stage often comes, even for parents of children living with major disabilities or for those die at or around birth, when they appreciate their child exactly as they are/were.

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 06:39

Placebogirl - I have complete empathy and understanding for anyone who has experienced abuse or who is living with a mental health condition, and I appreciate how this may colour their feelings in relation to their child's sex.

Is it your view that the majority of people experiencing gender disappointment are survivors of abuse?

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 31/07/2017 06:42

After having one son who is physically disabled and has learning difficulties, I was just so glad our second son was born without any problems. The sex of the baby was irrelevant. An awful pregnancy and a premature birth meant a wait to find if he was ok and he was.

AccrualIntentions · 31/07/2017 06:43

YANBU.

But I can understand why people experience gender disappointment. It's one of the main reasons DH and I aren't finding out the sex of our baby. We struggled with infertility and it's taken us a really long time to get to this point, so of course I'm grateful and relieved to be pregnant, whether I get a boy or a girl at the end of it. But I've always imagined myself with a girl. When I allowed myself the heartache of imagining my future child, it was a girl. The baby is still just a concept to me, I haven't met him/her yet; so they aren't a person to me yet. People project their future hopes onto the concept of the child and I don't think it's that unreasonable to feel a few pangs if they find out it's not going to be what they imagined. If I found out the sex today and it was a boy I would feel disappointed. My hope is when I meet my actual baby in real life, I'll be meeting the actual person and it won't matter as much as when it's still just a concept.

That said, I definitely won't be telling anyone else apart from my DH about any feelings of potential disappointment.

Kittymum03 · 31/07/2017 06:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 06:44

Viking I agree, I see it as piling expectations onto the poor thing before it's even born.

Will these parents be disappointed if their coveted little princess decides she hates dresses? Or if she is gay? Or transgender?

Isn't parenting the purest form of rolling the dice, knowing you'll do the best you can with what you are given?

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 31/07/2017 06:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/07/2017 06:46

I can only speak for myself. As I said I had my dd after failed ivf attempts. I desperately wanted a girl. Emotionally abusive mother. Immature and at times physically abusive father (mainly to brother). Brother relentlessly bullied me physically and emotionally and my mother's inapt "discipline" had him nervous laughing with her so I was surrounded by two abusers permanently. My father failed to protect me and was largely absent working very very long hours. Having now had a lot of counselling my desire for a girl stemmed from wanting to put right my past. To parent a girl the only way I could, to pay forward and hopefully at the same time reparent myself.

The tone of your op is blinkered and upsetting. I suffered some insidious abuse. So called low level abuse, ie that, which would not reach the threshold for removal of a child is incredibly common and largely unrecognised.

ConstanceCraving · 31/07/2017 06:50

Two boys would be my WORST NIGHTMARE. Thankfully, that didn't happen.

What a ridiculous and hurtful comment. Horrible in fact.

Original poster
SilverBirchTree · 31/07/2017 06:54

Mummyoflittledragon I'm really sorry that you went through that, and sorry if what I said made you feel as though I was negating your experiences or suggesting that the impact of childhood abuse is not long term and profound. I hope you are doing much better now and I'm sure your daughter is very lucky to have you as her Mum.

OP posts:
Winterview · 31/07/2017 06:55

YABU because they can't help how they feel. Wanting a daughter is very normal.

My friend was desperate for a girl and has 3 boys. She can't have any more for medical reasons. She's very sad about not having a daughter. How unkind to judge her for that.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 31/07/2017 06:56

I think YABabitU because people can't help having feelings. It's ok to have a preference IMO and to maybe feel some fleeting disappointment as long as you let it go. However, people who hold on to those feelings and say ridiculous things like "worst nightmare" Hmm should either seek mental health support for this (if it's a genuine problem) or get the fuck over themselves. People who get pregnant and mope about and get upset because they can't buy a pink frilly bow really shouldn't be having children in the first place because they're not mature enough. I know, in some cases, sex disappointment is linked to abuse and mental health but there are lots of cases where people are just being stereotypical twats. I have very, very limited sympathy for the latter but obviously, lots for the former.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/07/2017 06:59

My mother was disappointed that I wasn't a boy. She'd always wanted an older brother herself, so aimed to have a boy first. It was very apparent that I was a disappointment, being a girl, when my brother came along a few years later.
Hey ho.

I have no patience with it either.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/07/2017 07:03

Thanks. Smile. I'm sure there are a fair few people, that expect x y and z of your children but not all. My dd wasn't the child I expected and envisaged because like a lot of people, I dreamt she'd be more like me, especially as dh was also blonde in his youth. Instead she came out with a mop of wonderful dark brown hair and is far stronger, more resilient and determined than I ever was. The physical stuff is genetic and inherited from dh, the emotional stuff is down to individualised parenting. Please do try to have some compassion for your friend.

surferjet · 31/07/2017 07:05

I'd say the majority of women ( secretly or otherwise ) want a girl/girls.