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Second Wife, Same Surname.

222 replies

LittleBooInABox · 22/07/2017 20:46

I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, however, I'd like some other opinions.

My DP and I have been seeing each other two years. Have been talking of getting married lately, there is one issue, and I'm happy to be told it's just me. His ex wife still uses his name. (Her name now I suppose)
They have two children together if tat helps, don't want to drop feed later.

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. I've said I'd rather keep my maiden name because I don't want to be with the same name she has (childish maybe) but to me it isn't a comfortable thing. It's not that I want her to use her maiden name, it's my issue and I'm happy to accept that it's a silly one, but I can't seem to get pasted it.

I've said I'd double barrel mine to his, then use my maiden name in non legal ways, places etc. But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Any ideas for a compromise?
Should I just build a bridge and get over this silliness?

OP posts:

dementedpixie · 22/07/2017 20:48

He could change his to yours? Plenty of people don't change surname now. Why is he so fixated on you changing yours?


Justhadmyhaircut · 22/07/2017 20:48

She is a has - been Mrs. . You will be the forever Mrs. .
Take his name - it's yours now!!


dementedpixie · 22/07/2017 20:49

If she doesn't want to why should she?


Moussemoose · 22/07/2017 20:49

It's not about her it's about you.

Who are you? What name do you want?

Stop thinking about yourself in relation to your DP or his ex. What do you want for you.


Bellatrixandstrange · 22/07/2017 20:49

He's asking a huge compromise of you. What compromises is he making?


TheSpottedZebra · 22/07/2017 20:50

She is a has - been Mrs

What absolute drivel.


Hygge · 22/07/2017 20:50

It's your name and your choice.

He should respect that and get over his silliness at insisting you have to change it, regardless of your reasons for not feeling comfortable in doing so.

His rigidity in rejecting a compromise to using both names is also an issue to me. If he's so rigid about YOUR name, what else is he going to feel he has the right to dictate about you?


celtiethree · 22/07/2017 20:51

Keep your own name. I'd question marrying someone who tried to dictate to me like this.


SootSprite · 22/07/2017 20:51

Do you object to his mother having the same name? Serious question. Because that's all it is, a name, a word.

She wants the same name as her children, understandable. But she is Exwifey Surname, whereas you will be LittleBoo Surname. Maybe think about the fact that his aunt is probably Aunt Surname, his mother is MIL Surname?

It's entirely up to younwhat you feel comfortable with though. If you want to keep your maiden name then that is 100% fine too. To be frank, if someone told me it was their road or the high road I'd be telling them to fuck right off.


MsVestibule · 22/07/2017 20:52

He needs to get over his silliness! Whilst I think your reasons for not wanting to change your name are (as you say) a bit childish, that doesn't really matter- it's entirely your choice. Is it a deal breaker to getting married?


Dumdedumdum · 22/07/2017 20:52

He sounds awful. I'd run a mile. But then I am a feminist.


Theworldisfullofidiots · 22/07/2017 20:53

It's because she wants the same name as her children, and he will probably want the same e as his children. It's a belonging thing. (You're mine and Im yours.) I cant imagine having a different name to my children when they are children. It also makes travelling and all sorts of things easier. If I got divorced I'd rather share a bare with m y children than any future person. (I'm probably weird).
Could he double barrel?


Palomb · 22/07/2017 20:53

He's a traditionalist apart from the biggest tradition of only getting married once?

Keep your own name if you want to.


RhiWrites · 22/07/2017 20:53

He's big in tradition, eh? There are all sorts of terrible traditions. Where's the nuance about this one?


itsbetterthanabox · 22/07/2017 20:54

Then he can take your name.


FreudianSlurp · 22/07/2017 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2017 20:55

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. Except for getting divorced and remarried...

Lots of people, particularly men, seem keen on tradition when it suits them and modernity when it suits them too. Watch that you don't end up working full-time and doing all the housework, because he's traditional and all.


Seeingadistance · 22/07/2017 20:55

My problem would be with a man who had a problem with me making decisions for myself about my name.


ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/07/2017 20:56

I don't know. It seems to be more about your feelings for her, than about what you want. If you want to have the same name as your husband then do.


Aquathest · 22/07/2017 20:57

OP - Even if she no longer used the surname she will always be his first wife. I would say change your name if it is what you want to do. It should not be influenced by him or her.

Are you planning to have children together? If so what surname would you want to give them?


Justhadmyhaircut · 22/07/2017 20:59

Zebra how drivel when she is no longer his Mrs in life terms just name only?


DoesHeWantToOrNot · 22/07/2017 20:59

If I got married to dp then I'll have the same surname as his exwife. Doesn't bother me as she's kept the name so she's the same as the children.

I'll be taking his name so I am the same as our daughter.

When I got divorced I went back to my maiden name as we didn't have children so no need to keep my married name.


placemark123 · 22/07/2017 20:59

There is absolutely no reason you should change your name, and if you have children they can have both your names or just your name. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect your identity anyway? Does he want a little harem of mrs dhsurnames running around?


EasterRobin · 22/07/2017 21:00

That didn't work out so well for his ex-wife, so why would he want another person to take his name. If he doesn't think marriage is always for life, then how can he think this it is reasonable to ask a second person to give up their identity as a one-way marking of the event.


PurpleTraitor · 22/07/2017 21:00

It's not his choice. It's your choice. You don't want his name, don't have it.

I wouldn't bloody want it either. I've got a perfectly good one.

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