Second Wife, Same Surname.

[LittleBooInABox]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, however, I'd like some other opinions.

My DP and I have been seeing each other two years. Have been talking of getting married lately, there is one issue, and I'm happy to be told it's just me. His ex wife still uses his name. (Her name now I suppose)
They have two children together if tat helps, don't want to drop feed later.

He's big on tradition and wants me to take his name. I've said I'd rather keep my maiden name because I don't want to be with the same name she has (childish maybe) but to me it isn't a comfortable thing. It's not that I want her to use her maiden name, it's my issue and I'm happy to accept that it's a silly one, but I can't seem to get pasted it.

I've said I'd double barrel mine to his, then use my maiden name in non legal ways, places etc. But he's very much all or nothing mentality.

Any ideas for a compromise?
Should I just build a bridge and get over this silliness?

I hold mine in my right hand.

I must be common

I would reply but you are a pleb. Your own fault sadly :( Maybe marry up and sort it out?

It's DP who tells me I'm being overly sensitive on this issue and I wanted some perspective outside of these four walls.

You are not being overly sensitive. You are being sensitive. He put the over. Maybe he is being under sensitive, for example, or you are both being within the normal range of sensitivity and have different opinions. In the latter case, it is your name, not his name, so your decision, and he needs to decide whether he can live with you making your own mind up and not make ad hominem attacks on his future spouse.

I took my XH's surname when we married, even though his first wife had kept his surname after their divorce. Now there are two of us. I would've taken back my maiden name but having the same surname and title as my stepmother is even worse than being the second Mrs D. I don't like Ms, unfortunately.

I'd ask yourself why her having the name bothers you. I get the feeling that it's about you feeling like "second best". She's the original and you're just a duplicate. I don't think its about the name itself, it's about what it represents. You're going to be married either way, the name part doesn't stop that. However i'm all for tradition and like the feeling of being "one". That's just my silliness perhaps but it's important to me (and my DH)

I don't think I'd change my name back if my DH and I ever divorced. Mostly because it's a pain in the arse, but also because that will be my identity going forward.

I married many many years ago,,then got divorced after eighteen years of marriage. My then husband remarried again a few years later. I still have his surname and have remained single myself. His newer wife has his surname also.. I got to know her after a while,,and everything was quite ok,.. But my then, had been husband,, died three years ago, and his second wife was asking me if I wanted to have my name put onto his headstone, ha ha,,, like first wife of blah blah blah ..

But she was from foreign shores and had different ways of doing things about funerals.

I should read OPs more carefully! Your fiancé is insisting you take his name? Don't do it, OP! Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.

The idea that the 'default' position is that you will become Mrs Hisname is an utter nonsense, there's no such thing as a 'legal name' under English law and you could all yourself Lady Loverocket if you took the fancy.

BUT...............BUT............................etiquette.................genealogists!

but she is Mrs Emma Smith and I am Mrs Frank Smith, if you want to be technical

Wow, so the difference is that you changed your first name to his as well? That's some serious commitment. How novel! You really one-upped her! What did your colleagues think when you asked them to start calling you Frank?

I tell you, I'm going to be very disappointed if it turns out it's not technically your name at all, and your claims are simply more of the usual bollocks by people who don't understand how names actually technically work in the UK...

Depressing as fuck isn't it?

'She's got her own first name, but ha ha!, my first name has been usurped by my darling husband's! I win!'

LOL my DH took his first wife's surname.

Then he was super surprised I was not going to let him use that surname with our kids. I was never changing my name ever so that wasn't a consideration when we married but hells no to our kids having her surname.

I was fine with him taking my surname but he didn't want to. We discussed double barrelling but the surnames sound ridiculous together so he didn't want to do that either.

I would have serious doubts about marrying anybody who didn't say "it is your identity and your choice, you do what you feel you want to".

The people who think that if you marry Andrew Fothering you are Mrs Andrew Fothering in fact and in law whether or not you choose to use the name are (a) sexist and (b) ignorant. A woman's name after marriage is whatever she chooses it to be, in fact and in law. If you never call yourself Mrs Andrew Fothering then that name simply doesn't apply and anyone who tries to force it on you for reasons of "etiquette" can fuck right off as they clearly have no respect for you as a person.

Wow, so the difference is that you changed your first name to his as well? That's some serious commitment. How novel! You really one-upped her! What did your colleagues think when you asked them to start calling you Frank?

OP why don't you change your first name to Frank then keep your own surname? Win win.

"I must be common"

"Maybe marry up and sort it out?"

OP why don't you change your first name to Frank then keep your own surname? Win win.

It could catch on. Men's first names are always so much easier to spell and pronounce.

Not that it's relevant to OP's post (sorry op)
But the whole 'Mr and Mrs Fred Jones' thing is what put me of marriage. I remember seeing a letter to my grandparents addressed to Mr and Mrs (grandads name) and asking my grandma why. She said something along the lines of 'that's just what happens when you get married' and I promised myself then at about 7/8 that I wouldn't be a Mrs (some boys name).

If you want to keep your own name then do that, you really don't have to justify yourself.
I do agree with others about being very wary of those who value which traditions to follow.
Lots f things have been justified by being 'traditional'. Black slavery, women not having the vote, women being incarcerated for having illegitimate children etc etc
Your do believes in tradition. Does that include him being the head of the house and telling you what to do.
I wouldn't marry anyone who told me what name I should have, he doesn't own you, it's not romantic it's a form of control.

Etiquette dictates that your Greggs sausage roll should be held in your left hand only.

Etiquette be damned, I can't scratch my arse and swig from my can of Tenents with the sausage roll in my left hand.

Now for the real tester: should one consume said sausage roll avec or sans the polythene bag wrapped around it.

Definitely eat the sausage roll with the bag wrapped around it, anything else is absolutely vulgar.

The real tester is how to consume ones egg custard.
Does one discard the silver casing complely, remove the casing but hold it under the egg custard or bend the casing back and eat it in the casing.

1. did his first wife divorce him because he was a controlling arse?

2. I really really hope the fact that I didn't change my name when I got divorced pisses off the OW.

Etiquette dictates that one fashions the case into a small silver spoon with which to eat the custard filling, surely?

He's not very traditional is he really given his marriage vows the first time obviously didn't mean much.

He sounds controlling not traditional, your name your choice.